Divorced But Still Suffering After Effects of BPD Wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Greetings everyone! 

Posting here to seek some guidance for recovering from my 20 year marriage to my spouse who I did not know had BPD. 

As you can all well imagine, not knowing that your spouse has BPD can be deeply disorienting and highly stressful.  The 20 years of exposure ran the gamut.  Emotional blackmail, suicide attempts, manipulation, accusations, deceptions, money mismanagement, drunken upheavals, midnight fights, power struggles, passive aggressive jags, and so on. 

As you can surmise, all of this behavior was very strange and puzzling while at the same time frightening and sinister.  The feeling of being trapped was overwhelming.  That coupled with life's usual stresses such as raising two children, paying mortgage, saving for college and retirement, well, it was a real pressure cooker . 

I had to get out once the children were old enough to be away at college.  I did my best to protect them and keep her away from them on a one on one basis.  She was just too unpredictable, to volatile.

So today, its been about a year and  half since my divorce.  Yes, financially I got slaughtered, but thats the way the laws are these days for men.  Thankfully, my job is jut fine and I have plenty of new friends around.  Something I could not have had while married. 

My ask of the Group is this:  I still feel horrible! Stressed.  Shaking. Tight all over.  Poor sleep.  Angry. I'm not back to where I want to be.  I dont feel emotionally healthy.  I still feel frightened and on edge even though its over.   

I'd like to get some help, but dont know where to go or what to ak for from a therapist.  Do I need a Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Social Worker? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I just dont know. Exercise? Yoga? Running? I dont know and could use some guidance there too.

Books:  You got great ones?  I need em - ones that focus on RECOVERY from exposure to BPD people, and not ones that tell you how to cope with them.  She's been cut off, and I'm never going to speak with her again - ever! 

Many thank in advance for everyone's kind responses.  I'm doing my best to move ahead but I feel like I'm dragging a stress anchor behind me day and night.  I could use a break after 20 years! 

[BankerBiker]

Greetings everyone! 

Posting here to seek some guidance for recovering from my 20 year marriage to my spouse who I did not know had BPD. 

As you can all well imagine, not knowing that your spouse has BPD can be deeply disorienting and highly stressful.  The 20 years of exposure ran the gamut.  Emotional blackmail, suicide attempts, manipulation, accusations, deceptions, money mismanagement, drunken upheavals, midnight fights, power struggles, passive aggressive jags, and so on. 

As you can surmise, all of this behavior was very strange and puzzling while at the same time frightening and sinister.  The feeling of being trapped was overwhelming.  That coupled with life's usual stresses such as raising two children, paying mortgage, saving for college and retirement, well, it was a real pressure cooker . 

I had to get out once the children were old enough to be away at college.  I did my best to protect them and keep her away from them on a one on one basis.  She was just too unpredictable, to volatile.

So today, its been about a year and  half since my divorce.  Yes, financially I got slaughtered, but thats the way the laws are these days for men.  Thankfully, my job is jut fine and I have plenty of new friends around.  Something I could not have had while married. 

My ask of the Group is this:  I still feel horrible! Stressed.  Shaking. Tight all over.  Poor sleep.  Angry. I'm not back to where I want to be.  I dont feel emotionally healthy.  I still feel frightened and on edge even though its over.   

I'd like to get some help, but dont know where to go or what to ak for from a therapist.  Do I need a Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Social Worker? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I just dont know. Exercise? Yoga? Running? I dont know and could use some guidance there too.

Books:  You got great ones?  I need em - ones that focus on RECOVERY from exposure to BPD people, and not ones that tell you how to cope with them.  She's been cut off, and I'm never going to speak with her again - ever! 

Many thank in advance for everyone's kind responses.  I'm doing my best to move ahead but I feel like I'm dragging a stress anchor behind me day and night.  I could use a break after 20 years! 

[Mutt]

Hi Bankerbiker,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate with not knowing what the behaviors were, feeling like there was something fundamentally and feeling like I was going to lose my mind. We're not professionals and can't diagnose, we can't hard on ourselves for not knowing.

It helps to talk to a P with a support group concurrently, although i'd probay start with a GP, tell them the symptoms and see if he or she will refer you. I exercise, there are lot of benefits with exercising, it boosts your mood, you feel better about yourself and it helps you sleep at night.

I'm not saying this to scare you, that sounds bad, i'd feel worried too. You had a long history with your ex. A year and a half is not a long time, it could takes years to process the grief. It helps to detach, you can check our lessons on the right side of the board. It also helps to talk about it with people that can relate with what it's like to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.

Healing is different for everyone, there's not one right way. i'm glad that you decided to join us. You're not alone.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

PS At the top of this thread are book recommendations from  bpdfamily

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome BankerBiker:
You have been through a lot.  I can understand how you are stressed and in need of healing.   

I'm doing my best to move ahead but I feel like I'm dragging a stress anchor behind me day and night   

Let's help you pick up anchor and sail away to a better place.

Books:  You got great ones?  I need em - ones that focus on RECOVERY from exposure to BPD people, and not ones that tell you how to cope with them. 

You might be interested in these two books:
The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.
The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

I'd like to get some help, but dont know where to go or what to ak for from a therapist.  Do I need a Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Social Worker? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I just dont know. Exercise? Yoga? Running? I dont know and could use some guidance there too.   

When people have something complex going on, they seek a Psychiatrist for a prescription for meds (versus a primary care doctor).  Many people with anxiety and depression, initially consult their primary care doctor to get a prescription for an antidepressant.  If that doesn't work out, they move on to seek the expertise of a Psychiatrist for meds. 

Although it is possible to see a Psychiatrist for a therapy session, they are rather expensive.  Although people talk over some things with a Psychiatrist, it is generally a very short session and for the main purpose of prescribing or fine tuning meds.

Most people see a psychologist for talk therapy.  Cognitive and ACT Therapy can be good choices for dealing with anxiety and depression.  The links below go to search engines, where you can search for a new therapist.  You can search for the area where you live.  Most of them reference what insurance coverage they accept, what the specialize in and the type of therapy they offer.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/

https://www.findapsychologist.org/

IMMEDIATE HELP:
Any form of exercise is helpful.  It can be as simple as a walk, run or hike, participating in a sport or working out at a gym.

The links below lead to some resources that can be helpful for anxiety and depression:

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

10 JOURNALING TIPS
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

[heartandwhole]

Hi BankerBiker,

I'd like to join  Mutt and  Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you. Twenty years is a long time to be on high alert. I am not surprised that things haven't totally calmed down for you, although I can fully understand your worry about that. I think your idea to engage in therapy is a good one. Even though you know you are done with your ex-wife, there are things that most likely need to be fully grieved in you, perhaps even things that stem from issues in your family of origin. At least that was the case for me, and I found therapy very helpful. It was just regular "talk therapy," with a therapist with a Masters in Clinical Psychology.

I practice yoga regularly, and meditation, too. I also try to get outside into the fresh air often (walking). Exercise can be extremely helpful. And if you can get into some meditative types, where movement is paired with breathing, they can be very good for calming anxiety.

Journaling, or creative work can help, too, BankerBiker. Do you have any hobbies that bring you peace?

Keep writing. It helps to share your story. The members here understand what you are going through. 

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BB, Welcome!  As Mutt notes, everyone heals at his/her own pace and in his/her own way.  No wonder it feels like you have an albatross around your neck after 20 years of marriage to a pwBPD.  I get it; I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years.  One important part of my healing has been to learn to love and accept myself, just the way I am, which sounds easy but is actually pretty hard.  Another part has been learning to be more present in the moment, which again sounds easy but takes practice.  Here are some book that I like:

Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Iron John, by Robert Bly
The Art of Possibility, by Rosamund & Ben Zander
Project Personal Freedom, by Kingsley Gallup

Hang in there and keep us posted.  We've been down this road before you!

LuckyJim

[bravhart1]

A book that might help you sort out how to re-adjust your lens in which you view the world is Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
It's is NOT about getting more done in a day, it IS about how to stop where ever you are, how ever you've been, and get a fresh start with healthier views and out looks. I have found it to be the most important book I've ever read.
Best of luck and enjoy the rest of your life, every day counts!