My husband and 27 yo son are fighting

[Crumbling]

So my husband of twelve years hates my son who is 27.  My husband, and maybe my son, are BPD.  I know who my husband is, but my son and I have have many years apart.  And he has tried may things he hasnt spoken of, in the years he's been away.
My son has been staying with my parents for the last little while, which isn't working, because my brother died last Feb, and no one in the family is dealing with this loss properly.  And I mean, no one!
My son came herefor a couple of weeks to de-stress and try to get some plans in place for what to do next.  There has been alcohol,  weed and cigarettes thrown at him since he has been here, because those are my husband's habits, and mine, for now.  My son has made progress with combating his own addictions while with my parents, but... .
Tonight, everything exploded.  Glass broken, choke holds, hate and evil.  
We are all broken from it.  Not sure what to do or what's next.
Just needed to reach out.  ♡

Everyone is safe, physically for now.  We are all just trying to deal with it, in our own ways.  Like boxers in their separate corners, really... .
Oh, my, what had my life become... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

 Yet you survived all this. You are obviously stronger than you realize, even though you do feel broken and lost.

And the question is what next, now in the aftermath. While your H and your son are both too tired to have another explosion, at least for a while.

Have you got any thoughts on how to protect yourself or the others?

[Crumbling]

I have already taken steps to find my own accommodations.   And I'm securing what I need for my own home office. 

I drove my son back to his place today, six hour round trip, and have been doing a lot of praying and reflection along the way.  I came home to accusations and excuses.  I knew then that it was time to go.

No more wondering if it's the right time.  I know now. 

I will need to keep reminding myself that actions must have consequences.

Your words were the comfort of a warm kitten's fur and purr next to a nice fire, Grey Kitty.  Thank you.
K.

[Crumbling]

My son is also much stronger than he, and I both realized!  I saw that during his time here, and told him so.

I've also expressed to both my parents and son that they need a support system that isn't based on each other, and regularly scheduled time apart.  Let's hope they listen!

I know now my husband has issues much bigger than BPD.  He is engaged in a downward spiral of self hate.  The more I love him, the less he loves himself, it seems. And he wallows in self pity, or the consumption of chemicals, most of his waking hours.

I also know that my life must be more than my husband and his issues.  I'm gonna focus on that and continue praying.

It's nice to vent.  ♡

[Grey Kitty]

It is soo easy to fall into that caretaker role and try to rescue everybody, isn't it. 

Yet when you stop, people (amazingly!) find themselves much more capable than you feared, as your son is showing you.

Moving out of the house with your H is a big change, although if I recall correctly, you've had extended time away for seasonal work before, so it isn't totally new ground for you or him. How are your new plans going, and how long before you are likely to be out?

[Crumbling]

I'm shooting for Feb 1st, but it really depends on the property owner of the place I'm looking at right now.

That is correct, Grey Kitty, we have had time apart before.  Two summers ago, I found other accommodations while I was working thru the summer, because he wouldn't stop drinking. 

This spring, he admitted himself into rehab, and stayed sober for three months.  After three months, once there was no chance of me securing other accommodations, he came home with a dozen beer.

I have work contracts I need to fulfill this winter.  I am not just letting it go by stoned and drunk.

I don't have anymore time to waste.  That's what my heart is telling me.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound exhausted by living with your husband, and especially his drinking.

Are you looking to move out to get a break and get a little space, or is this a step towards splitting up?

Or are you frustrated and not sure what you want?

[Crumbling]

So, I looked three properties today.   Two were a bust, the third... .okay if I stretch reality a bit... .this is hard.  Nothing I can afford compares to what I have. 
And he knows I'm making a plans, so he is being Super Dave right now.

I gave him a patch cord for the stereo,  with surround sound throughout the house, that let's him play whatever song he likes on the Internet through the stereo.

His them tonight is "home".  Just hanging on.  Again.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound almost as pissed at him trying to be good and nice now as you were for causing problems before.

Are you too frustrated to even try to work on improving things with him now?

[Crumbling]

I am.  I feel like the proverbial hamster on the wheel... .just going in circles.  This is all a game I've seen before. 
Why do people feel like they can do the same things over and over and expect different results?
I have a very strong support system.  I have tools to use.  I have insight into his behaviors.   I know what I want. 
We have grown financially better over this past year, because of both of our efforts, and our relationships with the children has grown, compared to before.  I can't say  everything is lost.
But I do feel I'm caught in a cyclical game with my hubby, I can't seem to break free of.

[Grey Kitty]

How can we help you? You don't have to do it alone.

It is good that you have support... .but there are soo few people who know how to live with a pwBPD and apply the tools. I'm going to guess that your friends and family still don't, so best to get other support from them, not talking about your H's BPD crazyness. Heck, many therapists don't even do it all that well!

We do. This community is probably your best resource for that. "Knowing the tools" doesn't mean you are able to use them the way you want to, and we can help you with that.

[Crumbling]

My husband can't seem to comprehend what it takes to improve things, and I cannot do it alone.   I know that now. 
I've been looking at buying my own place.  What I can afford on my own is pathetic to what we have together.  But that's okay, I can handle that, I suppose.  Been there before.
My husband is on high alert right now.  He insulted my kid, Christmas has come and gone without any of his family (at least the ones left) even trying to contact him, and me going through a health challenge.  He cannot handle all of this perceived rejection.  I know that.
What can my bpdfamily.com do?  Just pray.  Hope.  Drop a kind word.  Perhaps share what makes this post relevant to you... .

[Grey Kitty]

You certainly can't fix things with your husband on your own. And it sounds like you will be living with him at least a while longer.

You can still make small changes that will make life easier at home until you leave.

Even if you are out of ideas on improving interactions with him, you can invest your time and energy in yourself.

Take your focus off of his problems.

[Crumbling]

Thanks for the advice, Grey Kitty.  I have done just that, giving my all to my volunteer work, and self improvement (I've gone back to school part time this winter, and perused some freelance writing work).  But this stuff upsets him, makes him mean... .its tough.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.