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Author Topic: It's the small victories  (Read 442 times)
Tattered Heart
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« on: January 11, 2017, 08:41:58 AM »

My uBPDh is out of weed. I hate these moments. He is addicted and it doubles BPD behavior/thinking when he is out.

So last night we were discussing taking 3 of our pets to the vet on Thursday evening. We live 30 min from my work place and it's another 30 min to the vet. I wanted to just stay later and work and meet him there. This led to him begining to dysregulate because I made decisioins without including him, I only think about myself, he didn't have room in his car for all of them, it would be too much for him to do on his own, etc. etc. I tried to validate, but I validated the wrong thing. OH CRAP! How do I reverse this? I tried, but he saw it as backpeddling. I was in the middle of starting dinner, when he began to yell. I just looked at him, and said, "I'm not going to be yelled at." And I walked out the door and took a walk.

THe victory was that I didn't let myself get upset. I didn't cry. I wasn't mad at him. I just went on a walk--spend some time singing in the barn, prayed. I gave him about 15 min to chill out. When I walked back in, he had put all the food up off the counter. I knew he was in another room, but was being quiet. I was on pins and needles wondering if he would come out to start back up again. I did not go look for him, and began cooking again. He did not come back out.

After I got the food in the oven I went to check on him. He said, "You didn't come see if I was alright." I told him, "I heard you in the room. I was listening and knew you were ok." He apologized for yelling but he wouldn't apologize for saying that I only think of myself. I told him that was ok. I don't want him to apologize for thigns he isn't sorry about. We worked out the plan for getting the animals to the vet and went about our evening.

For me, this was a small/big victory. Walking out of the house when he begins to escalate is a very scary thing for me. At one point in our marriage I was scared that he was going to begin getting physically violent. I would want to leave the house but would be paralyzed with fear that he would shoot me while I was trying to leave, or that he would chase me down and start hitting me. I've walked out a couple times and it has gone realitvely well. The fact that I was able to walk out WITHOUT begin emotionally upset was an even bigger win for me. It's important to me to celebrate the small things because if not, the bad would completely override the good.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

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WifeInOz
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2017, 09:04:02 AM »

Tattered,
 Your posts always make me feel better and give me HOPE. I WISH my husband would smoke weed. Do you find that it helps with BPD?  He never would though... .he's totally against it as it is still illegal for recreational use in NJ. I havent tried leaving the house yet when he gets in his BPD rages... .I always feel I have to stay here to protect the kids from what they hear. Do you have children? If so, what are their ages? Mine are 13, 12 and 10(stepchild).

Julie
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isilme
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 09:25:54 AM »

That sounds like a really good victory Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Regarding weed - I know there's a stereotype that it makes people happy and mellow, and it's harmless, but this honestly far from the case, and just like you can have happy drunks and mean drunks, you can have happy stoners and mean ones.  H has been curious himself and works where he has access to medical testing publications and read up on it a lot - he's determined it's too risky.  I can cause heart/respiratory failure, and yes, you CAN OD on it, and it literally does kill enough brain cells to permanently measurably lower IQ.  A lot of this is more dire if you are younger, teens and 20s, but potentially raising your heart rate 200% for 3 hours after the first hit does not sound to be a good ting to me in a person with emotional issues.

Adding another chemical to the BPD mix is not advised in my opinion. 

WifeInOz - you need to come up with a strategy for when you and the kids CAN leave.  It won't always work, especially late at night, but if you can take them for a walk, on an errand, whatever, it's far better than what they hear anyway with you both fighting in the house.  Just tell them something safe, like "it's a cool off time for mommy and daddy, let's go to the park (or whatever makes sense for your area).

Leaving removes all the potential targets for the rage, and makes the person with BPD deal on their own - it's one of the coping skills they never developed, and staying helps them stay atrophied.  You don't need to stay and accept the rage - leaving is often the best way to take a break" and not be there to be yelled at.  It may take a few times before it helps, and in some cases may trigger an "extinction event" where he seems worse because you are no acting like he is used to and he can't process it, but overall, it helps keep YOU from standing there being abused.  And getting the kids out removes potential secondary targets, or the chance that the kids may be told that YOU are the bad person and he's the good person, drawing them into the mix (like my parents did).
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Jack_50
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 09:29:43 AM »

Tattered Heart,

You have taken the first step : finding something that works, to protect your boundaries.  It will get better from here on.

I managed to disconnect from my spouse's accusations once I learned to regard all her words as coming with an agenda. Once that habit sets in, it becomes easier to not care so much about what they say. Alternatively i found it useful to regards her words at the same time as coming from someone desperate, and not to be taken literally.

You have taken the first step, it will get better since your confidence will grow at the same time.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, stay on track.


Jack
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2017, 01:09:54 PM »

Tattered,
 Your posts always make me feel better and give me HOPE. I WISH my husband would smoke weed. Do you find that it helps with BPD?  He never would though... .he's totally against it as it is still illegal for recreational use in NJ. I havent tried leaving the house yet when he gets in his BPD rages... .I always feel I have to stay here to protect the kids from what they hear. Do you have children? If so, what are their ages? Mine are 13, 12 and 10(stepchild).

Julie

Awww thanks. Last year at this time I was where you were WifeinOz. I was fed up. Bitter. Angry. I honestly hated my husband and stayed with him out of obligation and not wanting to lose financial security. I literally remember saying to myself that I can put up with this verbal abuse so long as I'm not poor.  I was miserable and just wanted to die so I could escape. I kept hoping that he would die so that I would be free and could collect insurance on him. (Never ever from me killing him but from some sort of car wreck or accident or health issue). I had NO hope. I hated coming home. I was a miserable wreck. And I realized I needed help. God convicted me of the hatred in my heart.

That's when I made recovery for myself a priority. I did not want to be a victim any longer and I read everything I could on BPD, NPD. I began reading about spiritual warfare, how to pray better, and got counseling for myself. I reminded myself that I had come from a background of depression, suicide, IV drug use, and God brought me all out of that for a reason and that reason was not for me to let myself be verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused. One day GOd whispered that he would heal my H, but it would not be soon. I have clung to that for dear life. And it's this promise that made me wrestle so much with God this year. I wanted it NOW. And I still don't have it, but it's coming. It's coming! It's coming!

As for the weed. I don't care if he smokes it. Personally yes I prefer when he does smoke, because without it he is a grouch. I've honestly never known him sober for more than a month in a 12 year marriage. I used to smoke weed all the time when I was a young adult. It didn't hurt me. I've looked at the studies and if weed were legal in my state I would suggest that he gets a prescription. I've taken meds for anxiety and depression off and on through my life. It's about the same to me. We do not have children. If we did then I would probably feel differently because I would want him to be an example to them. He does it privately. He doesn't act like a pot head. I would rather he smoke pot all day then get drunk.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

WifeInOz
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2017, 01:53:02 PM »

Tattered
Your latest response brought me to my knees. I feel the EXACT SAME way about him now like you did with your DH last year... .I felt bad about it, but hey, we are only human and have a breaking point. God and Jesus and my Guardian Angels keep me going and I KNOW one day he will be healed. God can do ANYTHING!

xoxo

Julie
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believer55
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2017, 05:50:33 PM »

Thank you to every one who has shared on this post. I do find leaving the house is the only way to reinforce boundaries. At first it made things worse but as mentioned it forces him to deal with his dysregulating. Sometimes I get angry cause its always me that has to leave and take my 2kids when they are with us... .but as you know at the time they are angry it's not like they will do anything constructive to help. Alcohol makes things 100 times worse and after nearly ruining Christmas uBPDh hasn't had a drink for over 3 weeks.  Still taking it day by day. Keep praying and setting boundaries. 
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2017, 06:43:52 PM »

Leaving before you get worked up works precisely because you didn't get worked up. There are no parting shots to ruminate over, no threats to feed the next time.  Your time out feels less enforced and wasted, and they are in a better position to self soothe.

This is closely related to subtly disengaging before it even reaches that point which becomes almost a subconscious interaction that neither of you really notice.
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