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Author Topic: When I give her space she contacts me but, still says we can't be together. HELP  (Read 304 times)
Dayla


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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2017, 02:37:27 PM »

It's just a lot right now. It's not an issue for me. I just didn't know if that is kinda part of the NC. I want to do things the right wiy and with integrity
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RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY AND FIRST AID
This discussion board is for discussing effective actions for returning a relationship to stability. This is not a place for relationship evaluations.
Often the best tactic for a relationship in crisis is to back off, give the other person space, and empathetically listen rather than fueling and refueling old arguments.
DreamGirl
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« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2017, 03:05:17 PM »

This NC is killing me!

It's hard for me today.

This is extremely hard for me.

It seems so illogical and counter-intuitive.

So maybe we don't swing the pendulum so far to the right. smiley

Usually when "no contact" is being recommended to a couple [by a professional], it's to reduce conflict in the relationship. It's when people are so at odds with each other, it's actually counter-productive to speak to each other. It's a pragmatic approach to allow both parties to calm down and get themselves to a better place.... so that they can start having productive conversations.  

Sometimes when we attempt "no contact" for less pragmatic reasons, like to save ourselves from pain or to punish the other person, it usually ends up with us being caught up in our own turmoil.

When we split from someone, it's hard to go from 60 to 0. Even in divorce, couples take an adjustment period to disentangle themselves.

My thoughts are that you want each of you to have some space. That's a good step.

So maybe go from 60 to 20... or 10... or 5...

Keep it light.

Keep the pressure off both of you to find all the answers to your relationship now or tomorrow.

If she emails you about work, politely respond to her. You don't have to reach out to her if you think that it will cause issues. I get that.  

If you want to leave the door cracked for your relationship, keep it cracked. If you completely shut down and ostracize her, my thoughts are that you're going to be sending her a clear message that you don't want her in your life.

If you keep it light, non committal, and fun - you'll both feel more relaxed about the situation and allow you both some space to take a deep breath and figure out what it is you really want and what it is that you really don't want.

It's the balance between emotion and knowledge --- it's the proverbial sweet spot between making decisions with your heart (but I love her!) and making decisions with your mind (but she's not good for me!).

It's what Meili was suggesting in the link he shared about Wise Mind.

It's hard, I know.  Empathy
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"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Dayla


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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2017, 03:28:04 PM »

DreamGirl,

           This is really the first interaction since monday. This past weekend she blamed me for something I didn't do. Things were going reasonably well. prior to. we weren't "back together" but having good conversations. She felt slighted about something someone else did which was nothing and used that to somehow make it my fault for not "protecting" her something she is BIG on. which maybe stems from not being protected as a child from sexual predators. She has a habit of misrepresenting her position here at work and the person called her on it. Somehow it was my fault. She set out to "prove" to me that she has a different position and went so far as having me brought into the office with the boss. At this point I felt it best to go NC and probably should have much sooner but, was holding on to a glimmer of hope that doing the "same things" would yield different results. Telling her how much I love her does zero. She actually says how much she love me but, in situation s like this I am the devil. We are Christians so she even 'addressed what I did in a prayer with other people as "the devil being busy". Of course no one else knew what she was talking about. Everything is spiritual now and when she feels slighted she equates it to God telling her we shouldn't be together. How do I overcome this??

So NC is the answer for me. To giver us both the space we need and maybe God will stop interpreting things I haven't even done as signs for her to leave me. I guess that's why her emailing me threw me for a loop. This is a lot. It's hard to lose your best friend and your lover both in one person all because they want control...

I am hurting.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2017, 03:45:05 PM »

NC is very good as a short term way to stop the two of you from hurting each other, under the guidance of a therapist. Taking a time-out is a shorter, self-imposed version of the same, and also is a good idea.

Sometimes when we attempt "no contact" for less pragmatic reasons, like to save ourselves from pain or to punish the other person, it usually ends up with us being caught up in our own turmoil.

I call NC to punish the silent treatment. That's really ugly, and most of us have been on the receiving end of it. And yes, it creates plenty of turmoil!

Cutting contact temporarily to save yourself from pain can be a good thing. And I think that fits Dayla's situation.

As you said, it is hard to go from 60 to 0 in a relationship instantaneously. If you spend time around this person you will still feel like you should love them, trust them, engage them, etc. Your heart and habits haven't caught up to what you intellectually know--that they aren't safe for you to get close to.

Cutting contact for a while, giving your heart a chance to catch up is a powerful tool.

Most people who become friends with an ex need some time to take space and heal/adjust before they can re-establish a friendship. And I don't mean just r/s with pwBPD in this--it is generally a good idea and generally needed.
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Dayla


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Person in your life: Romantic partner
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« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2017, 04:08:36 PM »

How does the heart get us into so much hell...
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2017, 04:19:01 PM »

Most people who become friends with an ex need some time to take space and heal/adjust before they can re-establish a friendship. And I don't mean just r/s with pwBPD in this--it is generally a good idea and generally needed.

I agree 100%. I had to use a third party after my divorce in order to stop us from fighting in front of our kiddos. We could not help ourselves. Time healed those wounds and my exH is now one of my favorite people.

I also absolutely agree that taking a time out is a good thing -- I just wanted to express that we have to be mindful of how we are reacting ourselves. When there is turmoil involved (this is killing me!), I can imagine there are feelings of conflict.

I'm not suggesting nightly phone calls to talk about how much you love each other. I'm talking that if she opens the door, you take the responsibility to make it light - don't delve into the relationship issues - but be responsive.  

My point is that if you are struggling internally, allowing the limited contact, is far less traumatic to the soul when you impose a situation where the door is cracked.

That's all.

It allows you to take a break but stay connected to the other person --- while your heart heals.  
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"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Dayla


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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2017, 10:04:20 PM »

You guys are so gracious and understanding. It's tough living in a world where everyone thinks you're the bad guy because she makes them think it. This is a rough time in my life. This message board has helped me tremendously. I wish I had found it sooner.
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path2D
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« Reply #27 on: January 12, 2017, 08:51:01 AM »

I'm in a similar situation myself. NC is difficult because, well, we have two children. She constantly uses the children as a means to emotionally vomit and send me mixed messages. It always starts out with, can we talk about the children? And inevitably it ends up with her checking to see if I've moved on.
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Dayla


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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #28 on: January 12, 2017, 09:02:02 AM »

Path2D,

I feel you completely. The push/pull is sometimes worse than being split black to me. I have to remind myself that no one wants to be this way and ruin relationships and hurt people like this. Look at the soul and love the soul. The resources on this site are tremendously helpful. Take advantage!
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Meili
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« Reply #29 on: January 12, 2017, 02:20:59 PM »

Yes, the push/pull dynamic can be really hard. My x used to find some reason to contact me just to see if I would engage. If I responded, she would then pull for a bit until she felt comfortable that she had the hook in me and then push me away. I finally stopped being pushed or pulled and stood where I was.

When I took the control away from her, the dynamic stopped.
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