Partner has gone off the radar without explanation

[patrick1991]

I've been dating a girl since september, but i've known her since 2012 when we use to work togethe, but we both left the job and just keep in contact here and there. i sent her a message back in september 2016 just seeing how she was getting on and our relationship started from there really with some flirting etc.

i knew she had BPD because she had told me ages ago and i suffer from it myself although i've had intense dbt and have since recovered very well, so i knew her situation and how difficult these relationships can be.

Boy was i not prepared for this though!

So at first it was great we would go away on some holidays together throughout September and October and it was fantastic. the sex was great and we really idolised each other. she had her moments throughout September and October were she would go quiet for a few days because she was struggling but nothing major and would come back and apologise and i was very understanding and had no problem with this because i understand the illness.

fast forward to November and she went very quiet for 2 weeks which was hard on me but i understood the situation and again was sympathetic and understanding and it wasn't for another 2 weeks until i saw her again so no face to face contact throughout November.

we then saw each other for a few days at the beginning of December and was making plans for an early Christmas together and new years. Then she goes quiet again not responding to messages even though i can see shes active online and its been 28 days now since i last saw her. She has just completely ignored me and its really breaking my heart and i don't know what to do. we've never argued or anything like that its always been amazing in her company and she has enjoyed being around me as well.

i love her so much and can't imagine being with anybody else. i just dont know if she she will ever come back to me. i dont know if she thinks getting to close to me that i'm going to end up eventually hurting her so shes distancing herself as protection.

 somebody please give me some sound advice? i thought i could handle this situation well being a fellow sufferer but i'm losing my  and all i want to do is love and support her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 
Welcome Patrick1991: 
I'm sorry about the situation with your partner. It must be very distressing for you. I'm glad to hear you had success with DBT therapy.

Your partner may have gotten scared, after getting too close. Did she give any clues that she was going into a phase of dysregulation? Maybe she just needs some space.

Are you doing any healthy things for self-care right now. Are there some self-soothing skills you learned in DBT Training?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Patrick1991:
The article below on the "Silent Treatment" would be helpful for you to read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

[heartandwhole]

Hi patrick1991,



I'm sorry that your girlfriend has withdrawn and is ignoring your messages, that is so painful. It happened to me, too, and I felt heartbroken as well.   

i dont know if she thinks getting to close to me that i'm going to end up eventually hurting her so shes distancing herself as protection. somebody please give me some sound advice? i thought i could handle this situation well being a fellow sufferer but i'm losing my  and all i want to do is love and support her.

As  Naughty Nibbler has said, it may be that your gf gets a bit scared if you both get very close and loving. She might be afraid that you will leave her, even though you can't see any reason that she would think that.

I have no doubt that you love her and are supportive, and that is a wonderful. Please don't forget yourself in all this, though. You have to take good care of yourself and your heart, especially if your partner struggles with close relationships.

It's been 28 days without a response. You may want to think about what your boundaries are around this kind of distance:

Setting Boundaries

Keep posting, patrick1991. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[mitti]

Hi patrick1991, 

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been through several of my, currently ex, uBPDbf's episodes of silent treatment, and it sucks. Of course not everybody is the same but he was never a back-and-forth person anyway, but a few years ago he refused any contact at all, total silence for a whole year. But we reconciled not long after he again started to communicate with me. Now he has again been giving me the ST for many months though we did talk the other day. Not saying that it will be that long for you, and I don't think it will, but more as 'encouragement' that it may look hopeless and that you will never hear from her again, but it is probably way more likely that you will, than not.

Not sure exactly what is happening for a person when they withdraw like that, but I think that after a while it can get tricky to reach out for them, because of shame. They are also aware of course how 'bisarre' it is to just fall of the grid and refuse to respond, especially when they again want contact. In my case I tried to keep the lines of communication open but without any demands and without letting myself come across as a push-over.

[Skip]

What I hear you describing is a 4 month relationship with her increasingly taking time off and not responding to you and that she was absent for the 4th month (holiday season) even though there were no conflicts. What was she doing when she was off?

Not knowing the details and looking at this on the surface, it would suggest that she has waning interest in the relationship. I know that is extremely painful to hear, and I don't want to pain you, but its important to see the situation clearly so that you can work with it. Holiday's are stressful and people often make relationship decisions at this time. And its painful.

First, congratulations on your remission. Possibly you can start a thread and share a little about how that went and help others better understand.

As for reviving the relationship, that is not a lot of actions available to you. I think if your share what you've communicated since last hearing from her, members might be able to help you craft a message that leaves the door open for her return without over pursuing or being needy. Over pursuing or being needy works against you.

What have you said to her?

[heartandmind]

Hi! 

Figured I'd give my two cents and share my experience in dealing with my ex-girlfriend as well. We had the greatest relationship we've both ever been in - we equally felt so appreciated and loved (actually, she frequently would tell me that she had never felt so loved in her life and had never loved anyone as much).

I experienced many, many "off grid" moments with her throughout the course of our two year relationship. Our communication would be totally regular, then she would suddenly stop responding me for a week or two at a time. I spoke to her about it and she would always apologize, but it seems she could never break the cycle of behavior. Of course, I just took it as a symptom of her BPD (she was not undergoing any DBT or related therapy at the time).

Now, after we broke up, we maintained contact for about two months until she went off-grid again altogether. It's been almost a year since our breakup and we have only spoken three times, two of which have been initiated by me.

I will give you my word of advice that many here would also give... .do not contact her. After three months of us not speaking, she very recently just got in touch with me (it was the first time in ten months that she initiated contact on her end!) I truly believe that this is because I have been so quiet. She eventually stopped responding to me a few messages in (typical!), but I do know that it is only a matter of time before she warms up to the idea of speaking and, eventually, meeting with me again.

There was a time when I would bombard her with messages - it would get me absolutely nowhere. The reality is, if someone is ignoring or avoiding you, there is a reason. With pwBPD, there is even more so a reason, and probably one which they cannot "control" without the proper facilities.

My advice would be to wait it out if you want to be with her. I know just how painful it is and it is absolutely GRUELING, but believe me, it will come, especially if she has not painted you black.

I also second the advice coming from mitti - the shame that they feel is great and it is very real. Imagine ignoring someone that you truly care about for weeks or months on end (due to whatever reason that may be well beyond your mental control or capabilities) and thinking of reaching out again - that is petrifying, even for nons!

Let her know that you are here for her when she is ready to speak, but do yourself a favor and leave it at that! They (mostly) all come back around - I promise! The amount of time may differ, but the stories are all the same. At that point, it is just a matter of how you want to handle the situation moving forward. Next time around, you will be much smarter in dealing with her, the way I know I will be!

Sending you patience and love!

[patrick1991]

Thanks for all your advice its really helpful and refreshing to hear that i'm not alone in all this. Still no contact, but i'm hanging on in there and i don't want to give up on her. Yes Mitti i understand the shame and guilt must make it very difficult to reach out to me again, but i've reassured her that she has nothing to worry about and i'm not angry, annoyed or anything like that just concerned for her wellbeing because i know how difficult leaving with a mental illness can be.

Hi Skip the last message i communicated with her was 04/01/17. I sent her a letter in the post along with all her christmas presents i didn't get to give her over the holidays. The letter basically said that i hope you had a good xmas/new year, i don't want you to feel any guilt or shame for not being in contact, and reminding her that she'll never be abandoned and thats shes very loved and to look after herself and be kind to herself.

Hi confusedx80 sorry to hear you had so many up and down moments with your ex. Are you still in contact now? I'm hopeful as well that she will get back in contact because like you said she hasn't painted me black or been horrible in anyway and from past evidence when she has gone quiet and done this before she has always came back to me very tearful and apologetic, and she hasn't blocked me on any social media so she's obviously keeping an eye on me. The only thing that i worry about is at what point do i say to myself i need to move on now and concentrate on my life because i can't wait forever. I did write a letter which i thought i would post to her house  eventually and i would love some feedback from you all. I wanted to leave it open to her and told her how much i loved her, but also that i can't do anymore until she reaches out to me. This is the letter

Hey S____, i really hope you’re well. Not a moment goes by when i’m not thinking about you and what you’re up to. It has been very difficult for me not knowing how you’ve been feeling these past few weeks. I can only guess from previous events when you've gone quiet is that you’re having a really ty time with your mental health. If you have been struggling then i’m really sorry to hear that. You deserve so much better than this horrible illness. It kills me inside knowing your struggling with that because i know how horrible it is from my own experiences. You know you can trust and speak to me babe, i understand better than anybody else.

Its been (blank space) weeks without hearing from you and i can’t really do anymore until you reach out and contact me. This is really hard and painful for me because i love and care for you so much, but I'm not going to message you anymore because i don't know if its making things worse for you or if its what you want. I’d love to just drive to your house and see if your ok, but i respect your privacy and i would never want to show up on you unannounced. I can only apologise and say I'm forever sorry if I've done something to upset you and thats why you've pulled away from me. You know better than anybody else that its not in my nature to intentionally upset people, especially you.

The only lie i ever told you is that i liked you when i already knew i loved you. I never knew what being in love felt like until i met you and its the greatest feeling I've ever had and i don't want it to stop. I’ve never been so scared of losing someone in all my life, but then nobody has ever mean’t to me as much as you do. I can’t imagine myself with anybody else but you, and I want nothing more than for us to be together, but if i’m not part of you’re happiness then i can accept that as hard as that may be. All i’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and achieve all your dreams, with or without me by your side. I really hope i get the chance to see you again, hug you or even just speak to you because it would kind of tear me up inside if i didn’t.

I don’t want you to read this letter and think i’m abandoning you because I'm not! I would never abandon you! I made a promise to you Sarah many months back that i will always be there for you no matter what and nothing has changed. If you ever need me you know how to contact me and you have my number. Whatever happens between us you'll always hold a special place in my heart. Hopefully i’ll hear from you in the near future. Because of you i didn't give up. You've inspired me to be a stronger and better person. I hope i can do that for you to.

Lots of love
patrick

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Is this letter ok or do you think it needs modifying at all?

Thanks again everybody

[Skip]

The last message i communicated with her was 04/01/17. I sent her a letter in the post along with all her christmas presents i didn't get to give her over the holidays. The letter basically said that i hope you had a good xmas/new year, i don't want you to feel any guilt or shame for not being in contact, and reminding her that she'll never be abandoned and thats shes very loved and to look after herself and be kind to herself.

The new letter says basically the same thing... .I'm not sure I would sent this new letter if I were in your position. If you sent her gifts 5 days ago, and she did not respond, give her space to process that.

I think we all think if we can find the right words it will help, and it does. But it doesn't help to do it multiple times. That actually works against you. You appear needy or desperate or possible too in control of your life when she is struggling in hers. It might even feel stalker-ish to her. I know you are not doing that, but in this day and age, people jump to this thought pretty easy.

In your last letter you said "i don't want you to feel any guilt or shame for not being in contact". What does it mean if you send a letter now?

The gifts were a huge gesture. I think the ball is in her court. Give her the space to deal with it now.

Not comfortable? Probably. If you're trying to recover this, I think crowding her with uber heavy notes has a lot of downside right now. Give her space. Maybe in 4 weeks, try something light, funny.

[patrick1991]

Thanks Skip i wasn't going to send that letter just yet. Maybe a few weeks/months down the line if she still hasn't contacted me. Like you said the ball really is in her court now and i can't do a lot else apart from give her space and time. I thought to myself what would happen if lets say 6,7,8 months down the line i hadn't heard a peep, met somebody else what the hell would i do if she got back in contact and wanted to be with me? Should i feel guilty for not giving her more time and it would just reinforce her abandonment issues even more?

[patrick1991]

So my partner has given me the silent treatment for 6 weeks now and i'm really losing my marbles. She's done this before but only for a week at a time and i'm beginning to think she may not come back, even though has hasn't blocked me and has not painted me black. I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that if she doesn't ever come back and i don't get any closure how could i move on.

Also lets say months down the line and she still hasn't contacted me should i feel guilty if i met another women, which i don't want i'm just playing out scenarios in my head.

Any advice would be great 

[Oncebitten]

Patrick,

No you should not feel guilty about meeting someone else. You need to figure out how long you are willing to wait and if you are willing to be in this type of relationship.  Once you know how long you are willing to wait for her, wait.  And if you don't hear from her, and you reach out and can't get through to her then you should feel free to move on.

[Meili]

I agree, if she doesn't come back and after you've decided that you're done, there is no need to feel any guilt.

As for the closure question, what do you consider closure? More importantly, are you done with this relationship and ready for closure? If not, then let's not focus on that for right now.

Where are you at emotionally and mentally with all of this? Where would you like to see it go?

[Oncebitten]

Patrick

I would expand on what Meili said in regards to closure... .don't hold out too much hope for closure from her... .if you are done you will have to reach that on your own.

[patrick1991]

Thanks for your replies, i really appreciate it. Oncebitten i think i my head i'm willing to wait until around March as we have a music gig planned and hotel booked, so a few more weeks of torture yet . Although its my birthday at the end of January and if she hasn't made contact by then i think i know in my own head that this isn't going to work any longer and i need to concentrate on myself and my own wellbeing.

Hi Meili, closure for me would just be her telling me she doesn't want to see me anymore and as hard as that may be to take, i would accept her decision move on and wish her all the best for the future. I know though that is it extremely unlikely for her to reach out to me and tell me its over though from all the other stories i've read.

I wrote a letter out which i would send her in the event that she doesn't contact me ever again. Could you give me any feedback about the letter please?    

Hey S., I really hope you’re well. Not a moment goes by when i’m not thinking about you and what you’re up to. It has been very difficult for me not knowing how you’ve been feeling these past few weeks. I can only guess from previous events when you've gone quiet is that you’re having a really difficult time with your mental health. If you have been struggling then i’m really sorry to hear that. You deserve so much better than this horrible illness. It kills me inside knowing your struggling with that because I know how horrible it is from my own experiences. You know you can trust and speak to me babe, I understand better than anybody else.

Its been (blank space) weeks without hearing from you and I can’t really do anymore until you reach out and contact me. This is really hard and painful for me because I love and care for you so much, but I'm not going to message you anymore because I don't know if its making things worse for you or if its what you want. I’d love to just drive to your house and see if your ok, but I respect your privacy and I would never want to show up on you unannounced. I can only apologise and say I'm forever sorry if I've done something to upset you and thats why you've pulled away from me. You know better than anybody else that its not in my nature to intentionally upset people, especially you.

The only lie I ever told you is that I liked you when I already knew I loved you. I never knew what being in love felt like until I met you and its the greatest feeling I've ever had and I don't want it to stop. I’ve never been so scared of losing someone in all my life, but then nobody has ever mean’t to me as much as you do. I can’t imagine myself with anybody else but you, and I want nothing more than for us to be together, but if i’m not part of you’re happiness then I can accept that as hard as that may be. All i’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and achieve all your dreams, with or without me by your side. I really hope I get the chance to see you again, hug you or even just speak to you because it would kind of tear me up inside if i didn’t.

I don’t want you to read this letter and think i’m abandoning you because I'm not! I would never abandon you! I made a promise to you S many months back that I will always be there for you no matter what and nothing has changed. If you ever need me you know how to contact me and you have my number. Whatever happens between us you'll always hold a special place in my heart. Hopefully I’ll hear from you in the near future. Because of you I didn't give up. You've inspired me to be a stronger and better person. I hope I can do that for you to.

Love you forever

patrick1991

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Meili]

That's a very sweet and caring letter. May I ask what you're hoping to achieve by it and what you expect the response to be?

I ask because that should be one of the considerations about whether you should sent it or not.

[patrick1991]

well in an ideal world I would hope that she would get back in touch with me after I sent it because she may be scared of losing me all together. I think by sending the letter it would kind of close the chapter in my head and if I did happen to meet somebody down the line at least I told her that I waited as long as I could but I needed to crack on with my life.

I don't have the courage to send it yet and I don't know when I will be able to summon the strength the send it because I know after I send that letter I will have to maintain no contact, because if I end up messaging her then they letter was pointless in being sent wouldn't you agree?

[Meili]

Yes, I agree.

I also agree with not sending the letter. We don't live in an ideal world.

The letter, as written, while under normal circumstances, sounds sweet and caring. In a situation with a pwBPD, it sounds a lot like fishing. It sounds like you're looking for more answers than you are giving... .like you are expecting her to respond and affirm her love and devotion for you. That's really the worst place to start in most cases when trying to heal a severely damaged relationship.

[patrick1991]

Thanks Meili I appreciate your advice. So do you think I should just not bother sending the letter then and if she doesn't contact me ever again I can presume it's over?

[Skip]

It's 32 days of no response to your communications. From a relationship exclusivity point of view, you are released. Sending a letter saying "I'm gone" isn't likely to get a "please don't go" response.  4-6 weeks is more than getting space or giving the silent treatment - it's walking away.

People do get together after gaps this long, but the time for love letters is past. If you two do reconnect, it has to be a new relationship, new approach, starting over, with more of the dynamics of starting over - not the dynamics of of an existing relationship failing.

[Meili]

I agree with Skip. At this point, the letter would likely do more harm than good from the standpoint of trying to save a relationship. It would appear clingy and needy; that is unattractive. Strong and confident is attractive however. So, your time and energy would be better spent showing those things.

[patrick1991]

How can i appear strong and attractive? Should i just go no contact myself and get on with my life and if she wants to contact me she will. She still follows me on social media so shes aware what i'm up to.

[Meili]

It isn't about appearing strong and confident (aka attractive), it's about being strong and confident.

There is a reason that we get so entrenched in our relationships with a pwBPD. We all stay when others would run after the first few  's. Figuring out why you stayed is a good place to start.

When I was asked that question, my instant response was "love." But, when I did a postmortem on the relationship, I realized that the first  's appeared long before I felt love. So, maybe a postmortem would be helpful to you as well.

As for the NC, true NC means that you do not allow any contact with her until you are ready. So, it wouldn't matter if she reached out to you or not if you were not ready for contact.

But, not contacting her until you're ready is really a good idea. If you think that you are strong enough to allow her to get in touch with you, then leave the option open. If not, then go NC.

[Skip]

I want to resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. If I'm honest, I still have hopes to revive the relationship.

Do not resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. I'm committed to not pursue and not try to revive the relationship no matter how hard that is for me.

Release with grace = I'm exiting the relationship and my partner wants me to stay at some level. I'm letting go with grace, compassion and dignity for everyone.  I can handle the limited communications needed to do this and I can keep them under control without revisiting the old relationship dramas. I am not too emotionally vulnerable to handle this.

No contact = I'm exiting the relationship and for now I need the avoidance/withdrawal of "no contact" because I am emotionally vulnerable (contact is hurtful and upsetting) or because I am angry or resentful (I'm getting even or making a statement).

I think you are moving from "I want to resuscitate" to ":)o not resuscitate".

No Contact is not exactly what is play here, because if she contacts you, you will most certainly.

It isn't about appearing strong and confident (aka attractive), it's about being strong and confident.

Exactly. Right now you should focus on improving yourself. If she comes back, then you will be better able to decide what to do. If she doesn't come back, you are building your core for another relationship.

Remember, contacting you is as easy as a social media ping or a SMS message ("Hi". She knows your feelings for her, you acted it and you wrote it to her very clearly. She gets it. If she is not contacting you, its because she doesn't want that contact right now. She is not ready to type "H" and "i". There is nothing you can do to accelerate her interest. There are, however, things you can do to put her off. On thing right now is that typing "Hi" would bring a swarm of communications, expectations, and a demand for answers from her. Being available, visible (not blocked on social media), time, and the appearance that you are letting go will take that fear of the swarm away. This is not to say that she is coming back - it is to say that sending more gifts and love notes will make that impending swarm seem huge if she does want to contact you.

[patrick1991]

Thanks for your advice Skip, I can't thank you enough. I think your right I'm definitely switching from I want to resuscitate to Do not. And yes if she contacted me I would certainly respond. When you talk about swarming her do you mean contacting her too much and it's putting her off speaking to me?

I think the best thing I can do now is just wait it out and see what happens. No more messages etc, she knows how to contact me and I guess only time will tell if she does or not.

[Skip]

I would suggest working with members on the Improving Board. Read and teach others the tools. You will need that if she comes back and these tools will help you in the next relationship if she doesn't.

[patrick1991]

I can see that my partner is online all the time and she's adding loads of different guys and girls (lesbians specifically) and its almost like she's trying to get me to bite and send her a horrible message so it proves to her that i'm a horrible and nasty person and it was always going to come out eventually and then it would give her a great excuse to paint me black and dump my sorry arse. Would anybody agree or am i just over thinking this completely.?

I'm not going to bite though and let her get on with adding all these losers and if one of them is my replacement then good luck mate

[Meili]

Trying to figure out why another person does something is futile at best. Trying to figure out why a pwBPD is doing something is probably a complete waste of time and energy. I found my life much easier when I stopped doing that.

If seeing what she is doing online/in social media is upsetting to you, maybe you need to stop looking. If you find yourself compelled to look, maybe it's best if you block her or delete/deactivate your account so that you don't do it.

The idea here is to focus on you and what you can control. You cannot control what she is doing, only what you are doing. If you're focusing on what she is doing and trying to figure out what her motivation may or may not be, then you are wasting precious time and energy that could be spent working on your communication skills, understanding boundaries, and making you as attractive as possible etc. so if/when she does contact you, you'll be prepared. Or, if she doesn't, you'll be better prepared for your next relationship.

[Auspicious]

It's also important to realize that what she does may have nothing to do with you, and may have nothing to do with BPD.

People move on. People do weird stuff. They do that whether they have BPD or not.