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Author Topic: Letter to my mom, my last edit. Suggestions? Yes, this will be delivered.  (Read 631 times)
drained1996
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« on: January 09, 2017, 12:47:31 AM »

Mom,

We have an issue with our relationship and I’m drawing a boundary.  

Here are our issues:
  Since I was so young that I cannot remember I have been made to feel responsible for your feelings and that is emotional blackmail.  If there was an issue at home and you got upset or confused…or whatever…anything negative, I was somehow to blame.  I acted out because nobody was there to listen to my side, including dad…nobody heard me.  I don’t ever remember hearing you say I’m sorry…for anything…ever.  
This dynamic continued as I grew and everyone always fell on the side of not upsetting mother no matter what the normal guidelines of life would suggest.  Mother’s feelings are the only feelings that matter.  

This played out with dad as well…always mothers feelings first.  A great example of that came when you had your stroke, and instead of doing what most intelligent normal people would do which is take you to the hospital as your very own sister suggested…he listened to you and what you wanted instead, waited all night and drove you home 2 hours away.  

This also played out when dad wanted to come home on Oct 27th of 2015 from physical rehab.  He was told that was not possible because YOU were not ready.  Read that again…YOU…were not ready for your dying husband to come to the comfort of his own home.  He was not comfortable where he was and wanted to come home, only to be shunted by his family for what reason?  He stayed in a place he did not want to or need to stay for an extra week while death stared him in the face…I told him I would take care of it and get him home if that was his desire…and with no words, tears in his eyes, he shook his head lightly and turned away.  He put your wants and needs ahead of everything, including his own comfort while facing death.   During our family hospice consult in the spring of that year one thing stood out…do whatever you can to make him happy and comfortable.   He wanted the comfort of his own home…he told us that…

I never felt good enough in your presence beginning at a very young age.  I attained my eagle scout status…but not before xxx, and xxx,  as well as a few others, and you made sure I knew that.  I did well in school, but not well enough as you tried to bribe me with a boat so I would make honor society because that is what you wanted.  I never once felt you wanted me to accomplish something for me…I felt it was so you would feel good….see…common theme….I felt I was responsible for doing good at what you deemed important to you so you would look like a good parent and everyone would validate your successes.
Not once do I ever remember you worrying about MY feelings…or how I felt or what I wanted.  
This theme of not being good enough continued as I grew.  It wasn’t good enough for me to want to come and eat with you for Sunday lunch…I had to dress exactly as you asked, I had to shave exactly as you asked.  (and this was true for many other circumstances)  If not, it was made clear I had let you down, often through dad who enabled your behavior.  This happened a lot.  You simply could not, would not accept your own son for the person he was…and now you don’t even know who I am as a person.  To you I am still a child…and you treat me that way.  No more.  
These are but few of many examples I can think of…I’m fairly certain I don’t need to pile on, so I’ll leave it at these.  

I can think of two things I have asked you for in life (excluding gift ideas for special occasions which really don’t count).
1)   To read a book, which you never read. (it was suggested under the context it might actually help our relationship)
2)   For financial help recently.  Which you summarily denied for no apparent or stated reason, and you have more than you could spend from your grave in 20 years.  

I’m going to ask for one last thing, and that is your forgiveness.  I’m sorry I was difficult at times, I’m sorry I get angry with you easily at times.  I’m sorry that it took me 42 plus years to figure out where my issues in our relationship simply made things worse sometimes.  I’m sorry that I still struggle with my patience even knowing what I know now.  And most of all, I’m sorry that I cannot continue a relationship with someone who cannot, will not, be introspective and accept responsibility for the role they play in the dysfunction.  I’m not going to contact you again in any way except to facilitate necessities.  I’ll be there if you are not well to help care for you.  I’ll be there to take you places and even come home and do things if I feel they are needed.  But I will not have a relationship with a person who is unwilling to acknowledge and work on their own issues and blames me for everything.  I will no longer allow you to treat me like a child and I will never again bear the burden of being responsible for your feelings.  I’ve tried to talk to you in the past only to be met with invalidation, denial, and projecting.  I know who I am as a person, you only know me as a disgruntled child as that is as far as our relationship ever grew.  I’m taking that child out of your life so you will never have to be disappointed again.  
I’m completely imperfect…I know that…but a mother is supposed to love her children no matter what.  I’ve tried to love you as a son, but it’s impossible to keep loving someone who does not make the effort to love back.  Saying I love you means nothing, loving someone comes with actions and real feelings, trust, respect, understanding, validation and the ability to truly forgive.  I get little to none of that from you.  I’m a pretty good person…but I often don’t feel that way when I am around or interacting with you…
I’m here if you would like to talk…but I will take no more emotional abuse.  Yes mother, you have abused me…for a long time…and dad was complicit…even though I know it was unintentional you were never introspective enough to look at your part in our dysfunction.  :)ad did the whole family and himself a disservice by protecting you at times when he shouldn’t have, and I’m done with that stance.  Your lack of ability/desire to look inward and admit to and work on your own faults will be the end of our relationship as you know it…unless…you really desire otherwise.  

Most of all, I forgive you.  


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HappyChappy
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2017, 02:41:54 AM »

Hi Drained,

Read the letter, and can I say I am so sorry your mother treated you this way. You have every right to vent, these stories do need to be told.  I would imagine a BPD however, would reject pretty much all of this.

It’s the sort of letter I desperately wanted to write, but never did. I was given advice from a close friend, who handles Narcassist better than anyone I know. He said “Why give them the advantage of knowing how you feel ? They see that as a weakness. They always use that against you. Just fade to grey. Don’t announce a breakup. That leaves your options open.” Now I’ve been NC for 3 years,  because I fell really ill with C-PTSD. If I reconnect (which I’m about to do) my BPD thinks it’s all to do with illness. Better still, my BPD is a mean as they come, and she’s given me money for therapy.  I had to lend my sister money for her therapy because our BPD would not and ironically I don’t need the gift, but it goes towards compensating for the crap she did. It also illustrates the benefits of my friends approach. Don’t get mad, try to get even. Now this may not apply in your case, but I put it out there, because I remember how adamant I was to confront my BPD. But my NPD & BPD are quiet vengeful, so ... .

But the letter as it stands is clear and to the point. It’s not rude, and for any normal person, would be a valid letter to send. Can I ask what you wish to achieve with this letter?
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drained1996
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2017, 03:00:06 AM »

Thanks for the reply!  This is a means to and end for me.  My mother is 83 and has suffered a stroke, and has early signs of dementia.  My father... .her keeper... .passed last year at the age of 86 suffering from leukemia.  I've called her over 300 times since his passing... .about 15-20 of those times she has passed my boundaries of treating me as a child... .and I enforced them... .she didn't like that... .so I continue to be the black sheep... .as I always have been in her mind.  
Common place that she would focus on those issues, and not even note I've reached out the other times... .but that's what she focuses on... .that... .and all the other times I've been the bad guy.  I'm simply done... .and I had closure with my father before he passed about such issues.  He acknowledged his part, and so did I. This is me, expressing my boundaries and why.  I've faded into the grey long enough, this is my need for closure as she will not be with us much longer. Whatever happens, I've expressed my part.   She can take it... .or leave it.  My expectations?  I have none.  It's my boundary, expressed in black and white.  She has the option to discuss things... .but I expect nothing.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2017, 03:35:50 AM »

Hi Drained,

Oh, that makes sense now. I hope this helps give you closure. 
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2017, 01:10:24 PM »

drained, I don't believe you when you say this:
My expectations?  I have none.  It's my boundary, expressed in black and white.  She has the option to discuss things... .but I expect nothing.

I think expecting nothing from her when you send this letter is true at one level and lying to yourself at another.

You truly want some acknowledgement and validation from her, but don't want to admit this.

Because you truly (and realistically!) expect to be disappointed when she doesn't give it to you.

I don't know how much good will come of sending a letter with expectations like that.

When it comes to boundaries, you don't need to explain them, you only need to enforce them, and a big letter like this doesn't help enforcement.

If you want to apologize for the things you did wrong, don't mix in the very real things she did which triggered or pushed you into doing them.

If you would cut her off more completely (rather than when she starts to get abusive), and need a change from her, I'd keep the message shorter and keep it to that point.

If you need to tell her what she did to you and how much it hurt you, you can do that too. Not sure what good will come of it.

If you need to tell her that you forgive her, while she's still alive and aware, do it anyway, whatever you expect from her.

I see a bit of all those things mixed up in one email, along with stuff about how she harmed your dad/her husband. I have trouble imagining any good outcome from her reading all of it together.

And if you already sent it, I'm sorry to give these thoughts to you too late.
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drained1996
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2017, 02:10:26 PM »

Excerpt
You truly want some acknowledgement and validation from her, but don't want to admit this

yes, of course I want that, but I don't expect it
What I want and what I expect are two different things here. 

Excerpt
When it comes to boundaries, you don't need to explain them, you only need to enforce them


Agreed that is a normal case, here, not explaining my boundaries and why I have them would leave it to my mother and sisters for them decide why I would be acting stand offish.  Expressing a clear boundary and the reasons they exist will take the ambiguity out of my actions... .or lack thereof in the future.  How she takes all of this, and what she does with it is completely up to her. 

This is more of a closure exercise for me.  My thoughts and words cannot be twisted or minced to fit her needs.  It's right there in black and white.  I've danced around her with my own feelings all of my life (walking on eggshells). I feel it's time to be comfortable walking with my own thoughts and feelings.  She may decide to walk right through them with me, or she may not.  Either way, I'm going to keep walking. 

Thanks for your input Grey... .I get the trepidation of mixing all of this in one letter.  No, I have not delivered it yet... .I'll be taking it in person when the time comes. 

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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2017, 02:33:19 PM »

. Hey Drained1996:

Grey Kitty brings up some good points. Sounds like you made up your mind, as part of your title says, "Yes, this will be delivered".  I'm thinking you are looking for validation?

Quote from: drained1996
My mother is 83 and has suffered a stroke, and has early signs of dementia.

Is it your mom's short-term memory that she currently has problems with? Does her long-term memory seem to be okay?  Aside from BPD traits, just wondering about her ability to mentally process the letter. Dementia can differ from person to person, and sometimes various health conditions can bring on symptoms that appear to be dementia.  

Quote from: drained1996
 I’m not going to contact you again in any way except to facilitate necessities.  I’ll be there if you are not well to help care for you.  I’ll be there to take you places and even come home and do things if I feel they are needed.    

I'm thinking that means that you won't participate in any family celebrations, or any type of social event.  (birthdays, holidays, etc.)? I'm thinking that may already be the case?

Quote from: drained1996
No, I have not delivered it yet... .I'll be taking it in person when the time comes.  
Are you expecting her to read it, in your presence or will you drop it off, ask her to read it and then leave (to come back at another time).  

Since you had a satisfactory experience with talking to your father, during his last days, I can see how you would want to try it with your mom.  Your mom, however, won't process the situation in the same way.






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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2017, 03:03:20 PM »

My thoughts and words cannot be twisted or minced to fit her needs.

The words on paper won't twist. But as soon as she reads them, they go into her head, and it is a blender in there. My expectation is that yes they will get twisted to fit her needs.

She doesn't have the capacity to understand that she did something wrong and it wasn't somebody else's fault. That idea just cannot live in her head. Nothing you can do will change that.
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« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2017, 03:12:17 PM »

I think I get the general idea of wanting to write your mum a letter, because I did the same. Although mine was shorter, and had almost no examples of what I thought she did / didn't do, it pretty much came down to the same thing.

In my humble opinion there is a bit of frustration in your letter - no blame intended, you have every right to be frustrated / angry. But just so you know. It also doesn't mean you should change it. You wrote your feelings down as they are, and since you'd write this letter to feel better, it's completely justified to send it as it is.

I wrote mine out of a need for closure. I wanted to feel like an adult. For my whole life I walked around the feelings of my parents, pretending I didn't have any. For my whole life I pretended to not have opinions of my own, especially if they were opposite to theirs. I just wanted them to know that I thought they were not the perfect family they claim to be.

If what you say is true, really, that you don't expect anything out of it, I would suggest you send it, because I recognize your urge to do so. But please be aware that your words will most possibly not be read by your mum as you meant them. She will make something completely different out of them, and most probably she will feel like a victim again. If the only person you'd write your letter for is *you*, not her, than I would say, send it.
(my relationship with my parents is pretty non existent after the letter - but I would do it again. It's one of the things I am most proud of in my life)

Let us know how it turned out, if you want !
x
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drained1996
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« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2017, 03:35:52 PM »

@nibbler
Excerpt
I'm thinking you are looking for validation?

Yes, I want validation for sure, but I expect nothing.  
One of the basic intents is to be heard, uninterrupted, and without the ability to have my thoughts and feelings twisted in any fashion.  Here it is... .do what you will with the thoughts and feelings I have shared.  

Excerpt
Is it your mom's short-term memory that she currently has problems with? Does her long-term memory seem to be okay?  Aside from BPD traits, just wondering about her ability to mentally process the letter

Yes, it's the short term for now... .her long term is decent-good presently.  Not that it matters, but I think she is more histrionic or narcissistic than BPD.  She can focus enough to mentally process this... .

Excerpt
I'm thinking that means that you won't participate in any family celebrations, or any type of social event.  (birthdays, holidays, etc.)?

That, and I've called her most everyday since my father passed.  I'm simply not going to deal with the emotionally abusive statements/comments anymore.  It's either this LC, which I feel needs explanation, or continue to deal with the boundary busting.  After 44 years, I'm tired and done with the abuse.  

Excerpt
Are you expecting her to read it, in your presence or will you drop it off, ask her to read it and then leave (to come back at another time).  

I'll drop it off and ask her to read it and leave.  After that I will only contact her out of necessity which will be very limited.  The rest would be up to her... .again, I expect nothing.  


Excerpt
Your mom, however, won't process the situation in the same way.


And that's ok.  

I get that those who have posted questioning the necessity of giving this to her, and I appreciate the shared concerns.  I've thought about this for a while, and shared the letter with my T.  He read it then simply asked when I planned on giving it to her.  I actually chuckled and said "I thought this would be where we would discuss whether or not this is a good idea."  
He said "I've seen you long enough to know when you make up your mind to do something, it's most likely to get done. So long as you have no expectations of this... .and I don't think you do... .then yes, deliver it"  

@grey
Excerpt
She doesn't have the capacity to understand that she did something wrong and it wasn't somebody else's fault. That idea just cannot live in her head. Nothing you can do will change that.

Yes, I fully understand this may be the case.  And I'm ok with that... .this is for me.  And yes, she may very well twist what I've written in her own head.  That will not be my problem though.  

@Fie
Excerpt
I wrote mine out of a need for closure. I wanted to feel like an adult

This is the way I feel.  I'm an adult, and I get to choose who is and is not in my life.  My boundaries should not be ignored just because she is my mother.  If she wasn't my mother, she surely wouldn't be in my life.  Our relationship has been toxic for a long time... .I've made adjustments over the last few years to try and better the situation... .but her emotional abuse continues.  I don't need or want that in my life... .This is me saying no more... .as nicely as I can... .

 
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #10 on: January 09, 2017, 08:06:02 PM »

Quote from: drained1996
I've called her most everyday since my father passed.  I'm simply not going to deal with the emotionally abusive statements/comments anymore.   

Is there some FOG going on?  Why have you felt the need to call her most everyday, since your father passed?  Couldn't she have called you or another sibling if she had an urgent need (other than to have an opportunity to criticize you  )?  Did you usually stay on the phone for her tongue lashings, or did you terminate the conversation at the first sign?
 
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drained1996
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« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2017, 11:23:41 PM »

Excerpt
Is there some FOG going on?

No fear or guilt, simply obligation to my dad, who asked me to continue to have a relationship with her which I have gone out of my way to do.  My family hasn't called me much at all in my life, I'm sure I'm responsible for initiating 95%+ of communication since I left after high school.  I didn't stay on the phone for controversy often... .I'd ask her nicely at least 2-3 times not to speak to me as if I was still a child... .only to have it continue, mostly I would nicely end the conversation.  And to be fair to her... .they are not tongue lashings... .simply very invalidating and statements that would tear someone down... .44 years of it... . Being imperfect, yes, I would get worked up sometimes.  I've given what I can... .I'm done and have no more room for abuse in my life.      
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2017, 01:44:55 PM »

drained, I see two purposes for these letters, and they are separate.

1. You write the letter for yourself, as a way of expressing and processing your feelings.

Everything you wrote worked for this.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

2. You give the letter to your mother, with an intention of communicating something to her (not AT her.)

The distinction is about the result--your mother understanding something after reading the letter, and acting differently as a result.

I'm pushing you to do that, and I recommend you start with the result you want: Give us one sentence (or maybe two) describing it:

"I want my mother to start ____" or "I want my mother to stop ____"

Then starting with that goal in mind, and using the tools  you've seen here for communicating with a pwBPD, write a draft that is targeted for that.

I'm sure you have more than one; I'd recommend you work on one at a time, rather than kitchen sinking it.
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drained1996
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« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2017, 02:13:46 PM »

Excerpt
The distinction is about the result

I'm not really concerned about the result... as I expect nothing.  This letter is about me detaching, and the reasons why.  It gives definitive answers to my mother and sisters as to why I am choosing to go LC.  That way I do not have to answer those questions in the future as I would if I just quietly went about my way.  I'm simply tired of the toxic relationship, and have no desire to continue to be the only one trying... .only to put myself in a position of receiving more abuse.  I've used the tools, and it has improved, but I'm done, I'm tired of it resting on my mind, and therefore I've decided it's time to do something about that... .the way it is simply is not something I want in my life.  It needs closure for me, and this provides that for me in my own way.  Make sense?
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« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2017, 02:17:26 PM »

I like Grey Kitty's assessment.

I won't try to talk you out of sending the letter. I will agree that it won't help your relationship.

I feel your pain, from the depths of my soul. I tried desperately to reconcile with my father when he was dying. I had been estranged from him for 13 years (for the most part, my parents were married and I have a good relationship with my mama).

I processed through it for 2 years (with a therapist and here) and my rage was so powerful that sitting at the same table was hard. My brother, who endured his wrath far more then I, made his peace. Oh, if only I knew then what I know now... .and the domino effects that his death would play in my life.

From one friend to another, I'd bury that letter. I'm not invalidating anything you've said at all, she sounds just as self-centered and self-serving as my pops. I get it more then you probably realize.

Your mom doesn't have the skill set to live up to an expectation that kid's deserve in a mom.

I wrote a letter to my dad after he died - at the advice of my therapist. I wish I could've been in a different place before he died. God knows I tried so, so hard.  (Dear Dad if you want to read it)

I think setting boundaries is really good in this. I think doing it with grace and using some communication skills will heed the results that you want (and deserve). Help you have some peace.
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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2017, 02:53:14 PM »

Is this step 18 on the survivors guide? <click on right margin for pop-up window>

Dealing with a unfair/selfish/needy parent is hurtful beyond hurt. I'm sorry you are living this. The survivors guide, full version, is in the book club board. We have a free download.

One question I would ask yourself is whether you are trying to communicate with her or whether you are trying to retaliate by blasting her and end the relationship for life?

Mom,  We have an issue with our relationship and I’m drawing a boundary. Here are our issues: Since I was so young that I cannot remember I have been made to feel responsible for your feelings and that is emotional blackmail.

If this is the opening, I suspect anyone receiving this letter will shut down completely by word 40 and most will stop reading - defenses will go up and she will be angry and defensive.

If you want to reach her, you probably need to be more vulnerable and and more solution oriented. But that may make your defenses go up and you will be angry.

Dear Mom, Your my mother and I love you and I want our last years to be the best they can. I'm sorry... .A lot of my feelings were because... .Whay we can do now is... .

This may be more than can do.

You could just do as you say in the letter and not send it - not sure your plan requires an announcement, does it?

I won't suggest that I have any idea what you should do - I just want to present some other options for consideration in this thread.
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drained1996
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« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2017, 12:27:01 AM »

I appreciate everyone's time and effort in giving input here.  I hear all of you.  Yes, I'm struggling in dealing with all of this a little.  And I know that's ok... .I should be. 
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« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2017, 01:24:29 AM »

d1996,

I told my mother in 1997 that I forgave her for my childhood. She cried,  said thank you (no conversation on either side,  i left within minutes). Then I moved out of the state for three years.  I may have talked to her once a month. 

Looking back, I felt that i mostly forgive her,  but I still harbored resentments.  Periodic drama ensued between 2000 and 2016: me feeling obligated,  needing to rescue, and being angry. All the while thinking,  this is my only mother.  Even so,  all these years later,  I can't fathom whether I thought that was about her or me.  Who needs what?

No one here can say what's best for you to do,  but I'm glad that you're open to processing what people are saying. 

In my last talk with my T, he picked up on my anger (I've only talked to my mother once since April after my mother made criminal accusations to me to the authorities), "Turkish.  She's sick.  She's mentally ill." They being said,  he validated me letting her go "you aren't a hospital." I took this as exhibiting grace with boundaries.  Maybe giving a little grace to myself as well. 
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« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2017, 02:01:07 AM »

This letter is about me detaching, and the reasons why.  It gives definitive answers to my mother and sisters as to why I am choosing to go LC.  That way I do not have to answer those questions in the future as I would if I just quietly went about my way.

I doubt your mother will understand and appreciate your "definitive answer" as to why you go LC with her.

I don't know the story of your sisters. If they are healthier mentally/emotionally, you can probably explain it to them, in a letter, or a conversation. (If they are as abusive as your mother, I don't see good results there either)

Excerpt
I'm simply tired of the toxic relationship, and have no desire to continue to be the only one trying... .only to put myself in a position of receiving more abuse.

This is the most important part of this whole thread, I think.

Your relationship with your mother is costing you too much to continue it and pursue it the way you have been.   Feeling this way is a clear indication to reduce contact, and likely consider enforcing more boundaries to protect yourself.
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« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2017, 03:45:13 AM »

Hi Drained,

Your letter is honest, forthcoming and courageous.  I admire you for standing up for yourself after all the years of abuse and neglect.  You go girl!

I have to be honest and say that I don't think you should send it.  Just print it and either save it or burn it.  The reason being is two-fold. 

The first is because of your need for her acceptance.  I know you want her forgiveness but she is not at a place where she can offer that to you.  You will be hurt and disappointed by her reaction because she has not changed after all these years.

The second is because you need time to really heal yourself and writing the letter is just one step in that process.  She does not deserve to have you offering to talk to her "if she wants to" or your help in a time of need.  That is role reversal, which she's done all your life.  YOU deserve to have her tell you those things, not the other way around.  She should be begging for you to say those things to her.

I'm an adult survivor of a narcissistic mother and can tell you that this phase is difficult, but does get easier and eventually pass.  It would just reopen the wound you are trying to heal by sending her the letter (and you will be waiting into the next lifetime for her forgiveness).  You will never heal if the wound is picked at and not allowed the proper time to be left alone.  As hard as it is, you must let go of the mother you want and accept the mother you got (really tough pill to swallow but it IS the single most powerful part of healing).  As soon as you can do that, you will be on your way to freedom. 

Sending you lots of love and light,
cmm
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« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2017, 04:00:04 PM »

I understand that your therapist has given you the green light. I also know that therapists aren't in the business of telling you what to do or what not to do, but more to help guide you in the decision. He's saying if it feels right, it feels right.

What I've learned about you in the short time I've known you is that you are very bold, stubborn, and brave. Know that having those qualities can be both a blessing and a curse. I know from experience. I also know that once you realize and accept that you've been abused, you tend to come out swinging protecting that little kid who couldn't protect himself. It's a process and I think a lot of us have been right where you are.

I also tend to have to learn every lesson in life in my own way, on my own terms. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned here is in that boundaries are what connect us, not divide us. I put them in place not to protect me from the other person with my aggression (you need to do x, y and z to be in my life!), but to relay what I'm not willing to participate in (it's OK that you do x, y, and z, it just doesn't work for me). My relationships with other people are all better because of my boundaries, but more importantly they are better because of my willingness to set them in a way that reflects my own values (of being kind, open, and understanding).  

I tried to juggle this into a more validating, open letter, using your words as much as I could.  

Mom,

We have an issue with our relationship and I’m drawing a boundary I want to figure it out.

It took me 42 plus years to figure out where my issues in our relationship simply make things worse sometimes.  I’m sorry that I still struggle with my patience. I’m sorry I was difficult at times, I’m sorry I get angry with you easily at times.

I often have not felt "good enough" in your presence beginning at a very young age. There are several examples - like my feeling invalidated from your mentioning that it took me longer to attain my eagle scout accomplishment, to the criticisms of my dressing a certain way and even shaving a certain way, or often expressing how I've let you down. These are only a few of many examples I can think of…I’m fairly certain I don’t need to pile on.

I sometimes feel that your feelings take priority over others. I hate to bring it up, however it was really bothersome to me, Dad's request to come home after physical rehab and your stating that you weren't ready is an example of why I feel that way.  

In our relationship, two examples come to mind:

1)   To read a book, which you never read. (it was suggested under the context it might actually help our relationship)
2)   For financial help recently.  Which you summarily denied for no apparent or stated reason.    

I'm asking that both of us work on this relationship. I feel like I'm the only one trying right now. I also feel like we have a dynamic where you continue to treat me like a child, when I'm not a child anymore.

I’m completely imperfect…I know that… I feel like loving someone comes with actions and real feelings, trust, respect, understanding, validation and the ability to truly forgive. I’m a pretty good person…but I often don’t feel that way when I am around or interacting with you.

I'm going to leave the ball in your court at this point, but know that I'm still willing to help facilitate necessities. I’ll be there if you are not well to help care for you.  I’ll be there to take you places and even come home and do things if I feel they are needed. I love you, but I'm going to need you to commit to working on this.

I’m here if you would like to talk…

Drained

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« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2017, 10:21:43 PM »

Hello drained1996 - I found it (so you can disregard my request a few minutes ago for more help finding it)!

Just read it all, and yes, I can certainly relate very well to so much of what you're feeling.

As the child of this highly dysfunctional dynamic, you likely don't have a whole lot to be forgiven for. As one of the responses to your post mentioned, try to keep the focus on what, as your PARENT, she did to cause you to act out in some ways. The psychological warfare that mothers like yours and mine wreak on their children is criminal. She's likely the one who needs the forgiveness, and it's quite noble of you to offer it to her in spite of the fact that she likely doesn't feel she's done a thing wrong. That said, you forgiving her is going to heal YOU far better and more wholly than if you were to continue carrying the resentment. I'm in a very similar boat, having recently sent my mother an email for some closure after decades of being made to feel responsible (she told me once that I was responsible for her abandonment issues... .?) for her well being, and being more of a parent to her than she ever was to me. It's incredibly tough to forgive someone who's nowhere near asking for the forgiveness. I know, because I've been there, so please know that what I'm saying is from a place of genuine empathy and relatability.

I'm quite happy for you that you're reaching the point of wanting closure. And it takes courage to write a letter like that. You deserve to be able to move on with your life surrounded by love and joy and PEACE. What many who've never known this hurt don't get is that, as children of these BPD mothers, we've never really known our intrinsic role as children. Protected children. We've been so busy protecting them... .My therapist (if you don't already have one, I highly encourage it) told me after my father (whom I was close to - but, like your dad, he was ultimately never able to conquer my mother's demons) passed away unexpectedly three years ago (which is when the reckoning with all this began) that, in addition to grieving him, I've also been grieving the loss of my mother... .for many years.

I don't know if you've read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson, but if you haven't yet, I'd highly recommend it. It sounds from the letter like your mother would fit mostly into the "Queen" category. Mine fits heavily into the "Witch"category. And frankly, they're all terrifying in their own ways.

I hope the sharing of some of my details with my BPD mother have been even a little bit helpful in you knowing that you're never alone in this struggle. It's real. And it's hard. But there is so much hope - for you, for me, for all of us. Carry on, and preserve your own wonderful soul! Peace to you!
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« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2017, 01:24:24 AM »

Excerpt
The important task in this step is to resolve the abuse with your family in a way that is acceptable to you. You have the right to choose how to do this. It is not mandatory to confront your parents, family or abusers, although many survivors find confrontation valuable

This is part of step 18 in our survivors guide Skip referenced in his post.  A dilemma I have with your letter is that it does not really acknowledge or address the abuse... .that letter doesn't confront that, and quite frankly lets her off the hook.  That letter also sends a message of expectation... .

Excerpt
I'm asking that both of us work on this relationship.

that's expectation


Excerpt
I love you

I know this was added in because you thought it should be... .but I don't even like her... .so I would not say this.

On a positive note  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I'm no idiot, and I process things.  I've seen the feedback I have here from many who have experience of their own, and from experience here.  I will take a step back and look at my motives, the letter itself and whether it needs to be softened or even sent.

I'm a slow processor though... .but I will share when the time comes on a decision. 

Thank you all... .and keep sharing if you would like... .
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« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2017, 07:23:43 AM »

Excerpt
My mother is 83 and has suffered a stroke, and has early signs of dementia
You already got a bunch of great advice.
Just wanted to say, persons with dementia are often stuck in the past to some extent. (Even if not outwardly apparent) So are persons with a PD, so the combo often makes things a bit less flexible in their thinking than prior to the dementia.  After dementia, there really isn't much "new learning" happening after that.  If anything, folks may revert in areas of their mind and may gradually be more familiar and comfy with stuff from the past (that they have longer history with) kinda not so much of the present. 

So the abstract concepts that are being introduced in this letter that are not familiar to mom, well, I can't imagine how the avg pw a PD can grasp, certainly wouldn't expect much grasped except... ."He is not satisfied/greatful with something with me."

My guess is her reverting to familiar coping mechanisms by her, to cope with what she is able to digest of it.
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« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2017, 07:30:37 AM »

Fair enough, drained.

For me, all that anger and estrangement was just my schema in how I deal with things. In the end I was just hurt and I withdrawal when I'm hurt. His inabilities to think I mattered was painful. And he died as he lived, not all that concerned about anyone but himself. No revelations, no apologies.

And I admit that as dismissive and selfish he was, I loved my Dad. Otherwise there wouldn't be all that hurt. His mortality was the only way I could see that he was human too.

It's OK that you don't love her.

Cutting her out of your life may very well be your answer.

Peace.

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« Reply #25 on: January 12, 2017, 09:53:40 AM »

drained,

I've been meaning to read your letter, and now I have. I commend you for putting your feelings on the line, and for sharing them with all of us. I'm truly sorry that you have spent years feeling responsible for your mom's feelings and not good enough. Those are difficult and painful beliefs for a child to take on.  

I can relate to your feelings, and celebrate your letting them loose. I can fully understand why you want to send this letter; it makes sense. I've read all the replies in this thread. You've gotten excellent advice, and you have my support no matter what you decide to do with the letter.

Since the topic of boundaries is a big part of what you want to express here, my only suggestion would be to think about using "I" statements. This is, after all, your statement to your mom of what YOU will do, and why you are doing it.

On the other hand, I really get the satisfaction of pointing out the behaviors that hurt you; you want your mom to know that how she treated you wasn't okay. So, there is that, too. For example, if I were confronting an abuser, I would probably say, "You hurt me deeply, and I won't let that happen again. It's within my power to draw a line, and this is it."  I probably wouldn't realistically say, "I feel deeply hurt... .blah blah," even though I know that is the healthier route to take.

Others have noted that your mom probably won't be able to process what you have pointed out about her and her behavior. I agree. I know you don't expect her to. But you want her to "witness" your feelings, even if she won't accept them. Know that even if she reads further than the first "you," she may read them entirely differently from what you intended. It's frustrating, I know, and the sad reality of these kinds of situations. Doesn't mean you won't send the letter, for you.

It sounds to me like you just want this "out there," consequences be danged. Fair enough. If you are at all hesitating after reading this thread, however, I think sitting on it for a bit longer won't hurt anyone. Even a day or two can bring a fresh view that may make even more sense to you. If not, you always have this letter ready to go.

heartandwhole
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« Reply #26 on: January 12, 2017, 11:37:00 AM »

Thanks everyone for taking your time to read and share your thoughts and insights... .here is where I am in my process:

Excerpt
On a positive note  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I'm no idiot, and I process things.  I've seen the feedback I have here from many who have experience of their own, and from experience here.  I will take a step back and look at my motives, the letter itself and whether it needs to be softened or even sent.

I'm a slow processor though... .but I will share when the time comes on a decision. 

Thank you all... .and keep sharing if you would like... .
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« Reply #27 on: January 12, 2017, 01:09:23 PM »

I'm a slow processor though... .but I will share when the time comes on a decision. 

  I don't think you are being slow with it.

It sounds like you are trying to process decades of feelings about your mom that you couldn't really express or deal with... .and have regular interactions with her building more of them or sending you back into them.

How long is it "supposed" to take to process that? I know people who have spent years on it and still aren't done.
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« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2017, 01:52:52 AM »

I agree with Grey Kitty:

Excerpt
I don't think you are being slow with it.

Drained1996, you have all the permission in the world to take as much time as you need.  Please remember to be very gentle with yourself.  You are unraveling decades of trauma and your mind is slowly processing how it's supposed to.  Do allow any and all feelings to surface that eventually do.  Feel them.  Be with them and let them go when they eventually dissipate.  It may take years and that's ok.

Just so you have some perspective, it has taken me 10 years to get to the place where I'm at now.  I wrote letters to my NPD mother just like you did and never sent them.  Why I never sent them was because I listened to that small, tiny, almost inaudible voice inside me that said "no."  It was faint.  It was a whisper.  It didn't make sense at the time.  I didn't know why it said "no" but I just heeded to it.  That's what we children of NPD parents do, we learn to silence and/or ignore our "little voice" (intuition) and stuff our needs down.  But there is a little voice there that will tell you intuitively what's right for you.

Let your needs flow free and try to get quiet.  Listen to that inner voice inside to guide you. 
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« Reply #29 on: January 14, 2017, 09:14:21 AM »

  drained

I could write a letter to my mother saying pretty much the same things, so please take my words with the appropriate amount of salt in that reading your words triggered me a bit and I'm either relating or projecting... .I'm struggling to determine which.

Your anger, resentment, and need for self-preservation clearly show in what you wrote. I truly understand the desire to communicate those feelings. I would do something similar to my mother, but I know that the net result would lead to more invalidation. There is no place in my life for my mother to invalidate me any longer.

I'm confused about how this provides you with closure however. Similarly, I'm not understanding how telling her that you are going to establish the boundary brings anything to you?

That being said, I completely get the desire to tell your mother how you feel. I would love for my mother to know that I stopped talking to her because I grew tired of hearing how unworthy as a human I am and that I don't deserve to be alive. I would love for her to have some idea of the damage that she has done to me, my father, and my siblings. I would just be wrong again in her mind, so it would be pointless to even try.

I'm glad that you're sitting on the letter for a bit and processing. I fear that you're just opening the door for more bad behavior on her part. There's so much going on in your letter that I am worried that she'll completely miss the message that you are trying to convey just as my own mother would.

I agree with GK, DG, and Skip. Getting your message across to her might be better handled by revising the letter. Having experienced much of the same as you have, I completely understand the desire to deliver it as is though.

Regardless of what you decide to do with it, never forget that we are here to support you.
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