I think my wife has BPD

[lmnd]

I think my wife has BPD.  She sees a psychiatrist who in the past 5 years has diagnosed her with mild Bipolar and put on lamictal for 1 year.  She decided to stop taking it.  Then it shifted to a mood disorder and treated with vallium for 2 years.  Then the psychiatrist diagnosed her with sleep disorder and prescribed serequel currently taking.  Just three months ago the same psychiatrist has prescribed her prosac which she will not take.  I have struggled to figure out what is wrong until 8 months ago she mentioned BPD after reading something online about anxiety.  I did not think anything of it untill I began researching her behavior.  I was shocked when I read the symptoms of BPD and how much relates to her and the dysfuctional relationships she has with everyone.  How can i be sure she has BPD? She also thinks there is nothing wrong with her mentally.  She blames her behavior on me and others.  Even with the psychiatric care she is still convinced that she just has a mood disorder.  I need help!

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[marion1]

Mine won't see a psychiatrist (has not had good experience with them) and rarely admits things are his fault.  Yours at least seems to be seeking help.  I'm not sure there is a medication out there that would actually help.  Probably the best thing to do is read up on it and make sure you are being helpful given her emotional disability.  I find when I let down my guard and show unwelcome (negative) emotion about anything related to him it is a real problem.  All you can control are your interactions with her, not her interactions with the world.  Just listen and support as much as possible and try not to feed the fire.

[livednlearned]

What are some of her behaviors that you struggle with?

Did she seem to think BPD described her when she was reading about anxiety?

Glad you found the site 

LnL

[lmnd]

Behaviors I struggle with include anger and rage torwards our children and myself.  The constant level of irritability and frustration she has torwards dealing with daily routines of life.  Ex: Getting kids ready for school, helping them with school work putting them to bed.  If any of thing don't go the way she wants, it ends up in major frustration for her and yelling at the kids (including profanities),  many time they yell back or say why are you being so mean.  Blaming everyone around her for how she feels, constantly telling me and the kids that if we acted a certain way she would behave differently.  The lack of understanding she has for how other people feel or what they may be doing.

Acting nice to everyone after she has been in a rage or anger tantrum  ,  I can tell the kids become confused at her emotions. 

Constant level of anxiety and worrying that she is going to die or have cancer or a stroke.  If she has any pain or illness it is the end or the worst scenario for her.  Many trips to the ER.

Not taking her medication that the psych prescribes bc she feels okay and changing the dosage.

These are just some of the behaviors that I am struggling with. 

Yes she did come to mention BPD as a result of her anxiety.  I believed she asked her psychiatrist if she had it and he said no.  She told me he said she was not getting enough sleep in the 4th stage of the sleep cycle.  I did not understand.

[livednlearned]

Those are tough behaviors to live with  

I know it's tough when psychiatrists miss a diagnosis, or misdiagnose. Your wife may have all of the things she's being treated for, and still have BPD. She might be subclinical BPD, in which she is still super tough to live with, and you may as well relate to her like she has the full diagnosis because they can feel the same from a cohabitation perspective.

And if she did receive a BPD diagnosis, chances are she would not be too happy to learn that curing it means a ton of work on her part and lots of therapy.

All of the above leaves you in a similar position, diagnosis or not. Her behaviors are really hard to live with, for you and the kids. And the communication and relationship skills we learn here are the same whether she is full-blown or sub-clinical. They work in all relationships.

What sets her off, usually? When she's angry or raging at the kids, how do you respond?

[lmnd]

She is set off by the kids constantly.  She is set off if someone does not agree with her, she has been set my sons school teacher for remarks on his school work.  She is set off my someone being late to a function or event.  She is set off if someone does not take her phone call.  There are so many things that set her off.  I try to validate her feelings as best as I can in these situations.

When she is raging or angry with the kids my response is to try to repeat back the feeling she may be having, like saying "me too i would like the kids to go to bed as well its frustrating when you just want some down time and they wont sleep.  What can we do to get them to bed" .  The kids get scarred in these situations and as a result are always asking for daddy and that makes her feel worse.  I often find myself having to deny the kids my time because she wants my attention in these situations. 

[marion1]

Does she also work outside the home?  Is it possible she has too much on her plate (not too much for some, but too much for her?)  Can others step in to do some of her tasks (hire a person for cleaning for example?).  General irritability could be related to sleep deprivation.  Its possible an anti-anxiety medication or even mild mood regulator like St. John's Wart (over the counter) could help. 

[Five28]

"She also thinks there is nothing wrong with her mentally.  She blames her behavior on me and others.  Even with the psychiatric care she is still convinced that she just has a mood disorder."

Sounds like my wife. Everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault, usually mine. I try not to let it get to me but it's really hard and can be exhausting. It's like arguing with a drunk. You'll never win and it just wears you down. My wife would not consider going to a therapist or psychiatrist so at least you don't have that problem.

[lmnd]

Her plate fills up very quickly and easily. She work when she wants too.  I thought she had too much on her plate one time.  We hired a nanny when our second was born.  The first one didnt meet her expectations.  Then we hired several sitters none of whom enjoyed working with her and all left.  We ended up finding a nanny that lasted for 6 months and then she left as well after my wife got in an argument with her and belittled her.  My mother offers to help yet she does not approve of her watching the kids, at the same time she will complain that my family does not help.   Since then i come home early when needed leave late for work. I put In on avg 32 hours per week at work no weekends  the rest of the time I am  at home. 

She takes vallium when she has anxiety and serequel to sleep.

[Auspicious]

A lot of what you describe sounds similar to my wife, before her worst ... .adventures ... .and eventual diagnosis and therapy.

You can't be sure she has BPD though, unless she is diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. That's the simple answer to your question.

The tools that we work on here are helpful no matter what she is dealing with, however.

[Stolen]

Imnd,

Stay very close to your kids. You can help them and they need you.  Stay very close.

[livednlearned]

Imnd,

Stay very close to your kids. You can help them and they need you.  Stay very close.

Agreed!

They probably need validation skills more than anything, since having a BPD parent can be extremely invalidating and lead to similar BPD behavioral issues (or codependence) as they get older. Lesson 5 on the CoParenting board has a lot of good material about raising emotionally resilient kids when one parent has BPD.

Validation for kids means acknowledging and accepting (in particular) their rage and anger they feel when their mom yells at them or belittles them, or sadness, or whatever the emotion may be.

It's a common error here to make excuses for the BPD parents' behavior to the kids, which compounds their trauma. Better to validate the feelings, "I feel hurt too when mom yells at me. I don't know why she does it, and I don't like it either. Let's go for a walk and work through this, and give ourselves a time out." Or something like that.