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Is your child's well being important?... Conflict has a high cost to the parents and a higher cost to the child. The cost to a child is security, self-esteem, confidence, emotional control, happiness, normal personality development, and a range of other considerations. You have the power to stop the conflict on your end.
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Author Topic: I believe I have reached my exhaustion point  (Read 577 times)
Skip
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« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2017, 02:41:01 PM »

Oncebitten, strong.

Right now you are in emotional dysregulation yourself. Like the intoxicated man who can't walk the white line, you can't clearly lay out two paragraphs - her reasonable narrative and your reasoned narrative. You are so completely focused on your narrative and so dismissive of hers, how can this go anywhere but down hill?  If you need proof, look at the 100 conversations you have had.

If you want to make this better, you have to self sooth and get to baseline.

The narrative you have written above is not her position at all. It doesn't mention the lie (s). Surely that is at the core of this. I don't know what your narrative is but it seems like part it is "I haven't lied in __ weeks" this problem is over. As I said earlier, this is conflict is feeding on itself.

I can't really give you any specific thoughts because you are not being clear on what the opposing positions really are... so I can only make general comments.

Every time you counter her accusation that she lost trust because you lied with your narrative, you are invalidating her. When she says you behaved badly, let her say her piece and then say you appreciate her sharing and want to think about it and wait for her to shift the conversation or end it. Be ok with that.

Every time she goes into meltdown, stop and listen to her. If she get abusive, ask her to be respectful and you will listen. If she won't ask if you can pick up the conversation the next day.  There is only so many words that can be said about what happened, let her get them out.

Don't swarm her when she dysregulates. Give her space. If she goes silent, let her go silent. Silence is ok. She will self sooth. She will return to baseline. She will call back. That might take a few days... be ok with it.

Validate the valid and qualify.  If she says you are a liar. Yes, I lied about A & B. I'm ashamed. I understand why this upsets you. If she says you tried to replace her, I did get involved with x just like you got involved with y - its upsets me, I know it upsets you too. If I tried to replace you I'd be with her, right. If she argues, don't counter. If you are speaking the truth she will eventually self sooth and see your point.

You will do better to back off, be OK with ambiguity, take responsibility, know when to retreat, do not give her a bat to beat you with, and give her space to self-sooth and return to baseline.

That's an approximate formula - with more details on the narrative and other members input, you can shape it much better.

You probably want to deal with this almost the opposite of the way are pursuing it. That has a much higher likelihood of success.

It will also help to consider that trust problems with people who have issues sometime can't be resolved. The best you can do right now is to create an environment where she can start working through her deep resentments on this issue.  It's not the surface skirmish that you have that causes the problem, its that they surface skirmishes are triggering the underlying resent of being lied to.

Do you want to see this play out in reverse? Read this members file. Watch how the boyfriend plays it (denying her wound) and how she systematically responds (constructive and first, then bichy, then not constructively, then destructively) and how the relationship falls apart. You are on this path... get off.
https://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=63476
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« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2017, 03:00:58 PM »

skip

you are right...i am so frustrated to her bc I cant get out of those circular arguments..I try and she just keeps firing all barrels...we acctually ended up talking today and essentially it came down to the fact that I cant just listen without being defensive...and she is right
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« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2017, 03:10:08 PM »

For your sake and hers, will you make a commitment to learn the tools and study human behavior so that you can have a chance of making your relationship work. You will only get so many miscues before its unrecoverable. You can't depend on her to be the emotional leader.

Why not take another run at describing the two opposing narratives. Its so much smarter to do these things in times of calm.

I going to move this to improving and ask that you stay there and not board hop when you hit a down time.

 Doing the right thing
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« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2017, 03:39:51 PM »

Skip

yes I will make the commitment. my fear is that I may have run out of miscues.

I will not board hop...
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« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2017, 03:43:49 PM »

Skip, yes I will make the commitment. my fear is that I may have run out of miscues. I will not board hop...

Oncebitten, be strong. The football game isn't over. Don't lose your head. Be cool. That's how champions roll.

Do the narratives. Get this started in the background - don't wait for the next crisis.

Nothing changes without changes. Let's do it.
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« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2017, 06:30:40 PM »

Quote from: SamwizeGamgee link=topic =304230.msg12835837#msg12835837 date=1484154251
I'm married 19 years.  And it has been two years since enlightenment about BPD - and the watershed event that was - it was like getting paroled, no, exonerated.

There is a forum member with the name of "Exonerated." (Interestingly, his screen name before that was "On_Parole.") His marital story spans a full 40 years, several U.S. states, and two hemispheres, as he is "down under" now.

"Exonerated" has not been active here for a number of years, but I think he would offer you encouragement, Samwize.

Oncebitten, you listen to Skip!  grin

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« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2017, 06:38:08 PM »

Katecat


I intend to...thank you for the support I know skip is right...I have to get this right on my end or it will never work
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« Reply #27 on: January 11, 2017, 07:42:25 PM »

Once bitten...I just wanted to reach out to give you some support. I completely understand what you are going through and how difficult it is to use the tools especially when. like you said, the BPD is firing "all barrels". It becomes quite overwhelming when the profanity starts, they don't take a breath, they don't give you time to get a word in edgewise. I have sat for what seems like several life times listening to her, trying to validate her. There are times when I have agreed with her and she argues that I am agreeing with her.

I think Skip is right. Sometimes you just gotta take a break even as much as you want to keep trying to make your point, get the BPD to understand ( yeah good luck with that) where you are coming from. It is important for us to get back to baseline as well.

I signed myself up for a knock down, drag out BPD style "discussion" today. And stuck around ( well, stayed on the phone) far too long. And what did I get? A nice A** whipping, feeling battered and bruised emotionally. Pretty much ruined my day. I am home licking my wounds now and on this Board to get back to baseline.

Stay strong my friend.
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« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2017, 08:47:34 PM »

michel

Hey I am right there with you...I always stay on too long for the knock down drag outs...this might sound stupid but always did it bc I thought that was what she wanted...she pretty much said as much. But she hates thats we never resolve anything when we fight now...which is true...it starts, and she attacks...I do my best to validate, and some times I valudate the invalid...which makes it worse...my worda get twisted and used against me...or if I pause and try to choose my words carefully I get accused of thinking of a lie
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« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2017, 09:14:32 PM »

it starts, and she attacks...I do my best to validate, and some times I valudate the invalid...which makes it worse...my worda get twisted and used against me...or if I pause and try to choose my words carefully I get accused of thinking of a lie

Once', you know there are article and posts about extinction bursts and impulsivity her - when a person with BPD goes into dysregulation, the best thing is to do is buy time. Time allows for her to self-sooth and return to baseline and since moods are so impulsive, the very thing that bothers her has a good chance of just going away. In a long distance relationship you have many tools to do this. Jumping in with full combat gear is crazy is like throwing gas on a fire.

I know you have little regard for the tools or learning the psychology - but it is your only chance to not get consumed by her ebbs and flows.

Someone posted this earlier. Listen to her discussion of how her moods shift.

Found an informative story of a BPD sufferer done quite well check out the link.
https://youtu.be/TeZn3kLXpyo hope some newbies to leaving board will find this helpful.


Date: Nov-2016Minutes: 33:54

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