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Author Topic: Wife instructing the kids that I am not a christian, inferring that I was not to be obeyed.  (Read 495 times)
formflier
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« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2017, 02:37:26 PM »

Did you mention that your psychologist is herself divorced? If she had to struggle with all of these issues herself, then she may be well-placed to help you keep your options clear.

Yes...she is divorced...and then her ex..the father of her child...is also deceased.  I don't exactly know the manner of death. 

I'm 99% sure that divorce..then death.

We have talked about that.  She clearly tells me that at the moment...my best and highest use is "inside the home".

We have talked about divorce, separations...taking actions that may incite my wife to "do" things.

hehe...here's one for you.  When I present my wife with a "post-nuptial agreement"...anyone here expect that to go well?

There are some legal matters still afoot that make that an inadvisable move at the moment...regardless of BPD.

However...likely this summer...there will come a time when legally it is advisable to do. 

Basic thought...anything that comes into the marriage from my family is "mine".  Anything that comes into the marriage from your side of the family is "yours".

And what we have built together...which is considerable...is ours.

Plus...and very strictly defined legal procedure for taking "our" money...and sending it to either of our families.

Anyway...back to today's issue. 

I'm much more confident in my "moves" because of my psychologist.  She personally knows what it is like to have someone tossing theories in your face...all day long.

She also has personal knowledge of how to protect a child from that...as best is possible.

More later.

FF
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« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2017, 02:56:54 PM »

Quote
She is attempting to teach my kids "feelings don't matter...there is only obedience to God".  That any effort on my part to ask a kid "how he felt" about a Bible passage is ridiculous...heretical.

My husband thinks this way, too. Christianity is all about following the rules and obeying. I have a different opinion, much like yours.

That view sounds very invalidating of feelings and emotions. One of the things that people can do is to take what they have learned in their family of origin and put it onto God.

The thing is that she can think whatever she wants about your teaching and guidance of the children's religious life. You can pretty much teach them what you want to and what seems best to you. You have a lot of things in your favor to mitigate the effects of your wife's thinking: consistency, authority (if needed), and respect for the kids. If her Bible study with the kids was longer lasting and more consistent, it might be a problem. The occasional stints of that kind of thing is not helpful, but it probably isn't going to be too formational either.

Ultimately, deciding your salvation is not your wife's responsibility - that's up to God and is between you and God.

There is a season for everything - sometimes, it involves preparing for the next.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2017, 04:48:47 PM »

Hey FF, What a difference a couple years makes, eh?

This round of dysregulation and paranoia on your wife's part doesn't sound very different than many prior rounds.

Your frustration at what it is putting your kids through is still there too.

Your side looks a lot different. You are doing really well at identifying the things you can do, the things you can't do, and the things that are a huge battle to do, and choosing whether you want that battle about this thing or not, and how you plan to fight it.

Do you feel more comfortable in how you are handling the same sort of dysregulations in 2017?

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« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2017, 05:22:33 PM »

I agree with Grey Kitty that your side of things looks a lot different. And now you've got the battle-tested psychologist riding shotgun at your side, so to speak.   Maybe it's kind of like flying as a squadron again.

When you get the post-nup stuff handled, that too should strengthen your position and fortify your reserve for the future. I think it will be good to have all those elements in place because your road as a father to minor children will be longer than most.



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formflier
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« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2017, 07:51:48 AM »



Do you feel more comfortable in how you are handling the same sort of dysregulations in 2017?



Yep...  There was far less fear involved this time.  There was far more understanding of the work/effort I was going to have to expend to get through this.  So, while my level of fear was low...the "groan" that I felt throughout my body, mind and soul was very real. 

I've made no efforts to push those thoughts and feelings away. 

I did make very specific efforts to be extra kind to myself.  I made a very specific effort to spend some time with my parents and then some extra time with just my Dad.  Didn't breathe a word to them about my current difficulty...my focus was on enjoying time with them.

Honestly, I tend to get busy and don't spend "enough" (whatever that is) time with them.  I have great parents...had an idyllic childhood I would repeat in a heartbeat. 

So there was some sort of thinking going on, that I likely should talk through further with my P, that went something like this...

The relationship with my wife sucks right now...for reasons I can't control...and I didn't cause...

therefore

I will be deliberate about spending an healthy amount of time and effort on my r/s with my wife (me stating my truth about things "i will go to the mat over" and protecting my kids)

then

I will spend no more energy or time on that r/s and I will focus on me and relationships that are healthy...with the caveat that I won't burden those other relationships by discussing my dysfunctional r/s.  (unless absolutely necessary)

I guess that's about it for thought process.

Update on "facts on the ground". 

She was weird coming home from work.  Sent me a snippy passive aggressive reply to an email I had sent to clarify things.

The infamous Wed. night suppers are back on at the church (remembering my choice to not giver her $$ that one night...) and she was "uber" happy during the dinner.  We both went to our separate classes...kids went to theirs.  We get home a bit after 8pm and she too "uber" happy to a next level.   She locked door to bedroom and was very amorous.   

I was measured and reserved in my response.  Ended up having a nice time.   

I saw no good reason to bring up the mornings events...she didn't mention them.

Ultimately...she is going to do..what she is going to do...

FF



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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #25 on: January 12, 2017, 12:32:11 PM »

There was far less fear involved this time.

Amazing how much more we can do when we get past our fear, or go through it!

Quote
I saw no good reason to bring up the mornings events...she didn't mention them.

 Doing the right thing That was one of my early resolutions I made to myself--Don't borrow trouble!

I will *NEVER* bring up any past topic raised in a dysregulation or as part of verbal abuse.

If my wife brought it up in a non-abusive discussion, I will readily participate.

But I'm not going to raise a triggering issue. It is HER problem, SHE is upset with it. When she wants or needs to deal with it, she can bring it up. Maybe she will resolve it herself with no need to discuss it with me ever. grin
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empath
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« Reply #26 on: January 12, 2017, 01:36:33 PM »

FF, did she have her own Bible study with the kids again this morning?

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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #27 on: January 12, 2017, 01:45:25 PM »

I will *NEVER* bring up any past topic raised in a dysregulation or as part of verbal abuse.

I wasn't planning on getting another tattoo any time soon, but, you just gave me inspiration.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #28 on: January 12, 2017, 02:49:22 PM »

I wasn't planning on getting another tattoo any time soon, but, you just gave me inspiration.

  Uhm, does that tattoo belong on the inside of your eyelids?
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« Reply #29 on: January 12, 2017, 02:58:22 PM »

 Uhm, does that tattoo belong on the inside of your eyelids?

Palm.  So when I face-palm myself after engaging in an argument with an adult toddler, I get a refresher.
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