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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: First Post Seeking Advice  (Read 448 times)
Suki64

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« on: January 11, 2017, 08:56:59 AM »

I'm posting here in hopes of finding others that are able to relate to my experiences... .
I have been with my BPD partner for almost two years. Just last week, I was pushed to end our relationship and make him move out of my home for my own mental health and safety.
When my partner and I met, he was in a very abusive marriage, on both ends. Within that relationship he also cared for his wife's son from a previous relationship. We decided that we wanted to be together, he "divorced" this woman and after a few months we began renting a home together. The only contact that we had with this wife was when we took the child on weekends, as my partner still wanted the responsibility of caring for the child, even though the child was not his.
Several months into our relationship, I became pregnant, one thing led to another, and it was brought to my attention that he was still seeing and sleeping with his "wife". Our relationship fizzled for a few days, but we remained together because he claimed that in order to continue to see this child, he was forced to maintain a relationship with his "wife", and I believed it. A few months later, I discovered that he was still seeing this woman, but stayed with him. Another few months went by, I found out for the third time he was STILL seeing her, and I told him I couldn't be with him any longer. He began to self harm right in front of me, and I ended up having to bring him to the hospital for suicide prevention. After he was released, we agreed to keep trying to make our relationship work, but with both of us seeing psychiatrists weekly, and separately.
Just as it has been the past few years, the grace period lasted a few months. This time was different, however. Weekly therapy changed him in some ways... .He took his mental homework very seriously and went to great lengths to prove to me that he was being faithful to me as a partner. (I.E videochatting me while he was away on business, making phone calls to his ex to ensure they weren't seeing each other, etc) He explained to me that his psychiatrist believed he was bipolar with manic tendencies, and that he was working harder than he ever was to remain in a relationship with me.
Now here's the ending: Just last week I discovered that even after this recent stint, he still continued to see his "wife". Despite my pain, I finally decided to end our relationship and have him move out of our home. This resulted in another trip to the hospital, but this time I was not there with him. Afterwards, something was brought to my attention. Not only had he been lying and manipulating me immensely about his relationships, he was also lying to me about his mental health. I was informed that his psychiatrist believes that he's been exhibiting very obvious and serious signs of BPD, but he chose not to hide it from me. I'm confident that this has to do a lot with self-denial of the diagnosis, but either way... .when I was told this information, everything he's ever done to me started to make a lot of sense.
I myself, am struggling immensely with this. Staying separated from him is by far the most difficult event I've ever experienced. Not only did I believe that he could prove to me that he could be faithful, I also believed that I could have saved him from whatever he is struggling with. I now realize that I can't, but I still can't shake off the desire to still want to be with him.
I want to wait for him. I know his illness will never go away... .but I want to believe that our relationship could still work in the future, if he works on himself. Has anybody here forgiven the unforgivable?
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2017, 10:07:24 AM »

I'm sorry to hear about what you've had to go through. That all sounds really tough to deal with and you must have a lot of strength to have gone through it.

I think that many of us here can relate, at least on some level, to your story. I have never had "concrete proof" that my ex was unfaithful, but I had enough evidence to convince me that she was. I was able to forgive her enough to want to continue to try to make a relationship work with her. I know that I'm not the only one here who has looked past the infidelity in the relationship.

SETTING BOUNDARIES is a good place to begin. It sounds like you've already started to define your boundaries, so good for you!
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Suki64

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 11:39:36 PM »

Thank you for the response! I've looked through the link you provided... .and it's a great place to start, if that's the road I decide to take.
I suppose my biggest concern is the length of time that my partner was unfaithful.  Is this uncommon? It may be easy to oversee a few slip-ups in a couple of months... .but I caught him 4 separate times over such a long peroid of time, with so many promises of change.
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DreamGirl
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2017, 10:51:42 AM »

Hi Suki,

Welcome

I'm so sorry that you've continuously had to deal with his infidelity. This is obviously a major struggle for him and it really sucks being on this side of it.

Has anybody here forgiven the unforgivable?

I have.  

It's really hard. It takes a lot of work from both sides.

Just to clarify --- he was continuing to see his ex-wife after his hospitalization? Or you found out about it after?

You took the first step I took --- in having him move out of our home. The next steps are difficult and it requires a lot of soul searching. What is your therapist saying?

We're here for you every step of the way.    

~DG


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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Suki64

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2017, 01:29:16 PM »


Just to clarify --- he was continuing to see his ex-wife after his hospitalization? Or you found out about it after?

You took the first step I took --- in having him move out of our home. The next steps are difficult and it requires a lot of soul searching. What is your therapist saying?

~DG


Thank you for the response! Yes, he was initially hospitalized back in November overnight, after I caught him cheating for the third time he vocalized about committing suicide. He didn't receive any treatment from that visit, just a reference to an after-care therapist for severe depression. It is unknown to me if anyone at the hospital was aware of his possible BPD. Then a few weeks ago, i caught him for the fourth time. He claimed to me that he went to see the "wife" again three more times after the hospitalization, but only slept with her once, since the other times he was there spending time with the child.
Whenever he explains his bouts of infidelity to me... .he says that it always feels like a dream, or a movie playback. He says whenever he drives to see her he feels like a robot, with no emotion whatsoever, not in control of his decision making.

My therapist advised that I don't contact him, which is impossible for me. We have not seen each other in a week but we keep in touch over the phone. She also explained that I need to focus on myself and what I want to do with my future, WITHOUT him in it. That is very difficult for me as well.
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Suki64

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2017, 01:32:53 PM »

I'm so grateful for the responses I've had so far! I have little to no support from my friends and family, as the majority of them say he's hurt me for too long for it to matter. So far nobody wants to listen to my reasons why I want to stay with him. It's frustrating but I'm so thankful I've found such a supportive group here!
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DreamGirl
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2017, 01:49:21 PM »

I'm so grateful for the responses I've had so far! I have little to no support from my friends and family, as the majority of them say he's hurt me for too long for it to matter. So far nobody wants to listen to my reasons why I want to stay with him. It's frustrating but I'm so thankful I've found such a supportive group here!

My marriage survived infidelity. It's not impossible. It is really, really hard. It does take a lot of work and the BPD component probably plays a pretty big role in that there is some coping mechanism that he has found himself stuck in. He will really need to work on that and it will take some commitment on his part.

Does the ex-wife know about you?

I had some pretty strict requirements. Him cutting off all contact with her was the #1. No compromises and if he broke that, I was not willing to move forward toward any kind of reconciliation. No compromises whatsoever. I know that's hard with there being a child involved, but it's possible.  

In my marriage counseling, our relationship had to become the #1 priority in our life. Honesty and transparency had to be allowed.

The hardest part for me was allowing him to mourn the relationship with her. It had to be done. He had to get over it and he needed me to allow him room to do that.  

The best part was falling in love all over again.

Your therapist's advice is coming from a place of the fact that he can't seem to make his choice in this. So she's thinking you'll have to make it for him.

What would he have to do to make it work for you? Do you think he's capable? If our egos ventilate the room, do you think he prefers to be in this triangle on some level? (I say that because my husband did for sure)
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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Suki64

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2017, 08:36:40 AM »


Does the ex-wife know about you?


What would he have to do to make it work for you? Do you think he's capable? If our egos ventilate the room, do you think he prefers to be in this triangle on some level? (I say that because my husband did for sure)

Currently, yes she does. We have gotten in a few arguments, only in the early parts of the cheating though... .because after a while she prevented me from contacting her. Unfortunately, I was pretty good friends with her during their marriage. Ever since my partner and I began dating my relationship with her has been nothing but sour... .reasonably so.

I definitely need him to completely break contact. He does feel responsible for the child, but I constantly remind myself that they were only married for a short time and the child is not biologically his.
Additionally, I need him to learn how to communicate with me when he begins to have these impulses, because I don't think they will stop. I believe this may be the hardest part for him.

I want to believe that he is capable... but I've hear the words "I've changed this time" from him so many times, it has begun to have no meaning. The only way I know this could work is if his actions begin to prove he's improving, not just from his words or thoughts.

Does he prefer to be in the triangle... I'm not sure. Whenever he speaks about it he cries about how he was tricked, manipulated, and eventually threatened into the infidelity until he felt numb. He kept himself there for the child, and the "feeling" of family.
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SuperJew82
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 301


« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2017, 12:27:59 PM »

Suki, the fundamentals of your story mirror mine. Time after time of forgiving and broken promises. I don't know why we keep believing them.

She once told me she was visiting her sister one night, but later I found out that she was with the ex. She texted me at midnight saying " I love you and miss you " while she was in his bed. Wash, rinse, and repeat about half a dozen times. I have no idea why I thought the next time would work. I'm not a complete idiot but for some reason I kept faith. I thought maybe if I explained it a different way, made sure she understood how this was destructive for her... .for us... .It would work. She made promises and seemed onboard with every resolution. She even turned up the charm during the makeup... .and then it would start all over again. She would even lie about going to therapy.

No, they don't stop lying,cheating, breaking promises... .It's not because they are evil... .they are as evil as a three year old who breaks promises. They don't get the object permanence. When you are out of sight, you don't exist to them.

 They fulfill their immediate needs without consideration of who it will hurt. They wrap their realities, memories, and views around how they feel. Mine would honestly forget that events happened. I'm sure she wasn't lying about the events she would block out or alter in her head.

She did get better about hiding things from me. That does change.
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2017, 12:48:40 PM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) SuperJew82,

It is clear from the tenor and tone of your post that you are still hurting from your experiences. I'm am very sorry that you had to deal with the lying, cheating, and abuse. No one should have to go through it.

Please be careful however to not paint all pwBPD with the same brush. BPD is a spectrum disorder and while people may exhibit some of the traits of BPD, they may not exhibit them all. Also, some may not present as strongly as they do for another person.

So, while one person may continue to lie, cheat, and hide things, another may not.
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Suki64

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2017, 04:35:48 PM »

She once told me she was visiting her sister one night, but later I found out that she was with the ex. She texted me at midnight saying " I love you and miss you " while she was in his bed.

 Mine would honestly forget that events happened. I'm sure she wasn't lying about the events she would block out or alter in her head.

Both of these actions and reactions I deal with as well. He would actively call me and send me messages when he spent time up there with her. As well as completely blanking about some events ever happening.
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