She often takes something I am eating away from me

[Lockjaw]

One of the issues I have been working on with my uBPGF is boundaries. She has a big abandonment issue. And its difficult to get her to understand the concept.

One of issues we have is sharing. She thinks since we are "together" in a committed relationship, I should share with her. I don't disagree, except when it comes to taking something I am eating away from me. She doesn't see that as a boundary violation. I do. She said she did it for some period of time before I said something. I said, you know I am not the kind of person to just say something like that. And on top of that, sometimes things that wouldn't normally bother me do. This is one of them.

So I tried to get her to compromise. She took the position that if she couldn't take food away from me, I couldn't grope her in public. She says I don't ask, I just do it, and of course she likes it. It was punative. Which I said. But I also said, ok, fine, I will not grope you if that makes you happy.

Then I said, what if it was money and not food? Would you just take money if you wanted it? She didn't like that. She said I was stingy.

I said what about a compromise? I said all I want is you to ask me if i am holding it. If we are out eating, and you want something off my plate, that doesn't bother me. I said I just don't want you taking something out of my hands.

So I think she finally got there. I stayed calm, and didn't say anything accusatory. She also said I told you this was a problem upfront. I said yes you did, but did you tell me that you would take food out of my hands and away from me because you wanted it? I don't recall that.

This is a relationship barometer issue for her. And she feels like I misled her because I didn't say anything the first time she did it.

[isilme]

Um, in most relationships there should not be a need for an earnest discussion about sharing or not sharing food as both parties feel is appropriate.  So of course you did not mention it.  It ahs to happen enough times to be annoying for it to be an issue to mention.  This is not misleading - this is reacting first with shock, then confirming if you are okay being upset about it or if you are overreacting, then deciding, yes, it needs to stop, and asking her to stop.

At first, it's kinda cutesy to "steal" food in a playful manner form a new paramour.  It's testing the waters of a relationship.  But if it annoys you, then you get to tell her, please stop, I don't like it.  And she is allowed to ask you to stop any actions she also does not like, but it's not a trade - even if she had no request from you to stop something, you still can ask her to stop stealing food/money/whatever.

So, if she steals food and violates the boundary - what are you actions to take to enforce the boundary?   Will you leave dinner?  Will you stop going out to eat for a while?  It's not just about making requests, but how you choose to keep the boundary in place. 

[Grey Kitty]

Boundary enforcement is not something you negotiate, or something that involves compromise. It really doesn't work that way.

You are trying to convince her that you are "right" and she is "wrong" when it comes to taking food from you. Please give up.

The bad news: You may never convince her that you are right.
The good news: You don't have to convince her you are right.

All you have to convince her is that you won't let her snatch food out of your hand without asking.

Here's where that gets tricky. When you enforce a boundary, you can't control her, you don't do anything but protect yourself directly. (Your food stays in your hand!). What she does is up to her. So is whether she tries again.

You can't stop her from thinking that it represents a failure of you to be committed to her in this relationship.

You can't stop her from trying to "punish" you.

The "punishment" she chose, not letting you grope her is within her rights, and you are respecting her boundaries by not forcing the issue. (Forcing past those boundaries is called sexual assault, if not rape, which is why you accepted it.) Her choice to do this as "punishment" isn't fighting fair, but it is well within her rights. And maybe even appropriate--given that she's now upset at you over the food thing, she probably isn't in the mood anyways!

If she chooses "punishment" that would go other boundaries, like launching verbally into you, do protect yourself. (aka remove yourself from that!)

She says that your failure to tell her all about this earlier in the relationship was unfair. Doesn't really matter--don't take the bait and let it become a circular argument. I'd say that your expectation is "normal" and hers is "weird" but that really doesn't matter. What matters now is that the rules have changed.

[Grey Kitty]

Lockjaw, eventually, you and she will find a new normal where you are both used to the new boundary around stealing food. It may take a week, or a month, maybe more.

Then, consider asking her to explain how or why she feels that sharing food like that is so important to a relationship. Do it some time when the two of you are peaceful, happy, and open. Do it with genuine curiosity about why she feels that way; it may be something cultural, or something odd from her family of origin.

Don't do it with any idea that she is weird or wrong, or that you need to disprove it. Just genuine curiosity about it.

(And if you get an answer, post about it here--I really am curious!)

[Lockjaw]

I know why, at least why she says. She doesn't eat a lot. She has some sensitivities to things like gluten, so she eats a little of it, but not much, and she also has digestive tract issues. So if she didn't take a laxative, she would get backed up.

She said her ex wouldn't share anything with her. Not a sip of his beer, not a piece of his steak, nothing. She wouldn't eat a whole steak. Most of the time when we go out to eat mexican, she just gets an ala carte enchalada and eats chips and salsa. Or she may get a salad. Sometimes we split something, like get an appetizer, and then a meal, sometimes a dessert.  She said often times he would get a big T bone or something, and she would want one bite. NOPE!

She ended up agreeing not to take it away from me, and I said I didn't care if she wanted something off my plate.

I tried my best to listen and hear her. And it would help if I looked at it a little differently. It's really not a big deal. It just bothers me. And my face will tell on me, even if I don't say anything.

There are times when I can get through, not often, and I may have gotten through on this one and gotten lucky.


Now if you ask me for my Dr. Phil on her, I think she sees me letting her do that as a sign I accept her. I think it has more to do with affirming her.

And my groping rights have been fully restored. 

[Lockjaw]

Oh and I was asking her questions, like the one about money, because I was trying to understand why. If I understand something, then it is easier to deal with. If it baffles me, then I go, What the heck?

Some of this of her's I may just have to give up trying to understand.

I hope one of these days we figure out a way that works. Most of the time we are good.

[livednlearned]

That would be so surprising to have someone take the food right out of your hand! I can see why it's important to you.

To think along the lines GK mentions (about a boundary being something not up for negotiation), how about asking her before you eat if she would like something from your plate?

Head her off at the pass.

Or, if you are ordering something and figure she will ask, put it to her first: "Would you like to order some of this for yourself, or split this with me? If so, we can get two plates." Or, if you are making something and think she might want it, maybe do the same and ask before you eat if she will want some (maybe even put a bit on a plate proactively?).

It may be something she does impulsively and isn't really thinking as she does it (which means it could easily happen again). A gentle touch on her arm or hand as she is taking food from you, and looking at her intently, could remind her that hey, this is one of those times. Offering her to get some of her own might affirm for her that you want to share, you also want her to respect this boundary.

You'll probably have to be consistent and gentle repeatedly, so anticipating it happening again and having a plan may help resentment building.

[Lockjaw]

I know I was really surprised when she did it. And its hard not to think that she thinks she is "all that" if she can do something like that. But I think the more I have talked to her about it, that she really doesn't understand its not appropriate to take something out of someone's hands. She has done it with my phone too.

It is more of a sign that we are good to her I think.

I have never had anyone do that. It's what little kids do. You know? Maybe I should have bit her like my son did to other kids in daycare who took things from him. 

[Skip]

I think it would help to read the values/boundaries tool:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." When we speak of boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble..

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromising independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others and the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.

What is the value here? And is this a "Independent Core value" or a "Inter-dependent value". The former is not negotiated and the latter is.

Value: So lets say the value is interpersonal personal respect and we're talking about routine day to day transactions. Conversation interrupting, body groping, eating habits, pet names, etc. What are the boundaries of what is acceptable? what is not?

Inter-dependent values If this is about how to transact with each other, it would seem that this should be cooperative. Not saying that she should have equal rights to affectionately snatch your food. But her point about affectionately groping her in public might be something that she not as cool about as you think sees it the same as food snatching - cute, affectionate, personal liberties.

You think the groping is OK (because she hasn't said anything). She thought the food snatching was good (because she hasn't said anything). No harm no foul. Just adjust.

Her reaction to what you communicated my be more to the fact that it was presented as her doing something wrong and needing to stop. There is a big difference... .

I know you like PDOA and it  is really affectionate. I like the affection, but the PDOA  makes me a little uncomfortable - I'd prefer we show affection like... .What do you think?

Groping me in public is violating my personal boundaries. You have been doing it for a while. You need to stop.

It all seems like small stuff to sort out on a neutral and cooperative basis. You both may be doing things that are small annoyances.

[Notwendy]

These are personal boundaries that take some time to adjust to. I agree with Skip to not make it a right or wrong thing.

My boundaries on things like food or objects are not very tight. From my college days, room mates and I had a communal mentality. If you eat the food in the fridge- well replace it. If you borrow my sweater- just clean it and put it back. None of us owned anything of major value. So long as things were pretty even- we just didn't care. It would be an issue if someone ate the food in the fridge and didn't replace it, but that didn't happen.

H has tight boundaries. His food, his things. Even as a married couple, he has his own space in the kitchen for his food- even though I shop for food for the whole family and am the family cook. He likes to have his own for snacks. I recall at the beginning of the marriage "borrowing" his scissors and he got angry. From then on, I don't borrow them, I keep a pair for me.

Neither of us is right or wrong. Where these boundaries come from- we may not know. Maybe his siblings took things from him as a kid. This didn't happen to me. We could wonder, but any two people in a relationship bring different boundaries about some things together.

I think it is good that the two of you talk about this, but it's a win- win to just accept these quirks about each other. Doesn't have to be an even thing -I won't do this if you won't do that.

[Notwendy]

One thing to consider is if the food thing triggers some OCD in you. In this case, it is both a boundary and a trigger to work on.

Sometimes it can be a part of "love language". Recall the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti dinner scene. Think of a couple sharing chocolate covered strawberries. You get the picture.

Sometimes it is practical. I am smaller than my H- and don't eat as large a portion. A restaurant steak is huge, and expensive. I wouldn't order one just to have a bite or two. But sometimes a taste would be nice, but not from someone who'd be angry about it.

Restaurant desserts are huge and have a lot of calories. Fun to taste but a whole portion is too much.

Maybe there is a way to compromise on some of this- once you have set the boundary. Hands off MY steak. But order a dessert to share and have your Lady and the Tramp moment too.

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanted to add a little bit of my 2 cents, in case this bit wasn't touched on... .

She said her ex wouldn't share anything with her. Not a sip of his beer, not a piece of his steak, nothing.

It is not your job to compensate for her sense of loss for things she wanted but did not get in her past.

Many persons with BPD have issue where feelings = facts, so she literally may hold you responsible for undoing past hurts.  Part of why this is a tricky arena to enter is that often pwBPD transfer fears onto their SO.  Meaning, they may mistaken you for persons in their past that wronged them.  When this happens, one can easily eventually get painted black.

(My own ex would treat me how he should have treated his exW but was too fearful to do so.  She was abusive to him.  He defended himself to ME, instead of her!)

Likely not good for you to set a precident that it is your role to make up to her what she did not get from other folks in her past that she percieves as letting her down.

Likely better to disengage in that vs validate that to be your role... .
Or redirect her... .

"Sounds like that hurt you dear, what do you think you can do to not feel hurt when I bite my own food and don't share it?"

They are HER feelings to manage.
You cannot erase them.
You cannot make it up to her all her disappointments from her past.

Your choice in response will either reaffirm her feelings are your responsibility.
Or they will leave her to manage her feelings on her own.

Yet, if you do leave her to manage her own feelings and don't "pick them up" to manage... . 
and she is used to you reacting to appease her feelings... .
Expect an extinction burst of some sort
Expect a protest behavior
Expect her to maybe even pretend to move on ok but then later challenge you to soothe her emotional climate via another method.

Refer to the posts here regarding boundaries.

(This is not an issue of to share or not share food.  That is not her issue.  :)on't let her pretend it is.  If you don't want to share, don't.  This is an issue of allowing her to manage her emotions and triggers from her past.  You can support her in this.  But you cannot do it for her.  If you allow her to make a stink and discussion about the food, she has effectively projected/transferred and escaped the primary issue of self regulating emotions/managing her own triggers.)

[Grey Kitty]

She said her ex wouldn't share anything with her. Not a sip of his beer, not a piece of his steak, nothing.

I'd like to take this out of the BPD context. Because she's experiencing something very real and very normal in the aftermath of a relationship where she was treated badly. I've had this experience, I've got a very good female friend (a non-) who had this experience. She called it rewriting "bad tapes" It went like this:

You are with your new gf. You do or say something oblivious or insensitive. Perhaps your gf does or says something, maybe sounding angry. Then it happens.

You KNOW that your ex would have blown up at you right then. Your heartrate goes up. You freak out (at least inside your head). If you are somebody who gets panic attacks, you probably just had one.

Only, your new gf isn't your old gf. And whatever BAD thing you were expecting doesn't happen. The whole thing just feels WEIRD and kinda scary.

Hopefully you will get used to the idea that you are now "safe" in a way you weren't, and not freak out so much next time... .but it is going to take a few more of these before you really get used to it.

Anybody who has been in a bad relationship, especially an abusive relationship is going to go through this in their next relationship. You. Me. Your new gf.

... .now add BPD back in. When your gf experiences the "panic" part, reminding her of old fights with her ex, her BPD just makes her reaction a lot more powerful and more provocative to you. You still have to deal with it, but be aware.

... .and like a few other posters suggested, preemptively offering to share food with her BEFORE she can snatch it out of your hand will probably do really good things for your relationship... .and even help her heal from something bad in a prior one. 

[Lockjaw]

Ok well just to clear the air, groping is encouraged. I would never do it if she didn't like it. This gets back to what was said about the prior relationship, her ex didn't want anything to do with her. He didn't touch her, didn't want to be seen with her, or do things with her. He drank to much, and she told him straight up, no whiskey d*&^ allowed.

She wants me to grope her, and has said it is ok. She just said not to when she wanted to be punitive about snatching food. It's really a shame, I normally shared it with her anyway. Just let me do it, don't make me feel forced, or its your right.

It is really a shame how things work. You meet someone, and you fall in love. And then crap starts happening, and the next thing you know, you treat them worse than your average person on the street. It really bugs me sometimes. And I am pointing a finger squarely at myself when I say that too.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Lockjaw:
Just throwing out a thought.  This might be totally off base, but just wondering if your partner may have an eating disorder.  She could just have some GI issues, but some of the things mentioned could relate to someone with an eating disorder. 

She may only order small quantities of food, so as to control her intake .  Then, she may still be hungry, hence wanting some of your food.  Some people with eating disorder are good at hiding it and can be good at explaining some logic that convinces others to the contrary.  Use of laxatives is common with eating disorders as well.

Perhaps, none of this applies.  Just throwing the idea out there as a possible theory behind the food thing.

[Lockjaw]

I have considered that idea actually. She doesn't eat a lot when we go eat. She weighs herself daily, and her weight determines what she will eat, if anything.

She snacks some.

Last night when we went out to eat, she had a steak taco, which was decent sized, and ate the steak and cheese and lettuce. She had about 8 slices of avacado, and had chips and salsa.

Usually when she eats something of mine its only a bite or two.

What is sad is she says she doesn't look good. Of course I say similar stuff about myself. So I tell her, we need to just take each others word for how we look.

She gets hit on all the time. Dudes follow her out of stores. Service writer at dealership wanted her to go out with him. You should see on FB. She can post a comment and BOOM, dudes send her friend requests.

I do enjoy her comments about stuff like that. Now that is funny to watch.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I have considered that idea actually. She doesn't eat a lot when we go eat. She weighs herself daily, and her weight determines what she will eat, if anything.

I wouldn't confront her on food issues, but just observe for now.  She may eat when you aren't with her.  Possibly fluctuating between eating too much when you don't see, and then eating nothing at times.  She might have an unhealthy relationship with food - perhaps a version of all or nothing.

What is sad is she says she doesn't look good. Of course I say similar stuff about myself. So I tell her, we need to just take each others word for how we look.

Keep validating her with compliments, but don't put yourself down either.  Confident men are more attractive to many women. It's the combined package that matters. Confidence (not arrogance), a good sense of humor and some other traits or shared values can rate higher on the partner wish list than looks.

[Notwendy]

Food can have emotional connections.

I don't know much about these groups, but there are "overeater anonymous" groups that take on the emotional aspects of eating.

Food in some families becomes a form of love. It takes on some kind of meaning in my H's family. I have been the family cook since the beginning, my H does not cook. My H feels rejected if I don't cook for him. This is an issue if I am busy with after school activities and don't have time to cook. I can't really relate to this. My mother didn't cook.  I don't have an emotional connection to someone cooking for me.

I think one of the reasons your gf and her food issues irritates you is because there is some emotional baggage connected with it- maybe for both of you.  But I don't know if trying to get at these issues is going to help and you may not ever really know- it may be some memory, some family thing for her, part of an eating disorder or control/shame with her.

What may help is simple boundaries in addition to something you can share. She may feel some sort of good emotion when you share food and for you, this is irritating. I get the sense that this happens when you two are eating out. She orders something, then takes something off your plate. A solution could be to order something for you, something for her, in addition to something to share- like two appetizers and a shared entree- she can taste it- you can eat most of it. Is there some way to be creative with a solution?

[Tattered Heart]

Here's my story on food. I can't stand it when my H takes food from me.

Every night I make popcorn for me to eat. My H doesn't REALLY like popcorn, but when I would bring it into the room, he would begin shoveling handfuls of it into his mouth. I used to get SO angry at him for it and he would get upset and call me selfish, etc. etc. All I wanted was MY OWN snack. After all, he usually eats 3-4 snacks in an evening. I just eat one. (And I"m the one who is overweight. Go figure.  )

So what I started doing was I would ask him if he would like me to make him some popcorn too. He would usually say yes and I would make him a huge bowl of popcorn to match mine. And he wouldn't eat it. This made me SO mad because I realized it was a control thing. He wanted to have what was mine because it was mine. Once he had his own, he didn't want it.

Overtime I began to slowly decrease the amount of popcorn I made him. So long as he sees me take some of my popcorn out of my serving and give him a little, he never complains. If I forget to make him some OR if the popcorn I make isn't quite enough for the both of us, then he gets upset if he doesn't get his share.

-----------------------------
He also frequently will try to control the food I cook. He never wants to meal plan and grocery shopping with him is like taking a child into a store. It's unorganized and expensive. Basically it stresses me out. If he is feeling particularly cranky, he will often begin telling me that hte food I"m cooking looks or smells spoiled, he doesn't like hte flavor mixture I"m using, etc. Some days I walk out of the kitchen and let him take over. Other days I tell him if he wants something else to eat he can eat something else. Mostly, though, he eats it and usually says it's pretty good, even after all his noisemaking. I still can't shake that it's a control thing.

[Lockjaw]

Well she isn't like me, I am a foodie. I love to eat things. She eats to live, but that is it. A lot of the time, she will eat something sweet, but just chew it up and then spit it out.

She has awful intestinal issues. She has to take a laxative, or she backs up. Her son is the same way. His deal though, because he is autistic, is he likes to eat, and he will scarf it down. She limits how much he can have at any one time, but her parents and ex, nope. So often when she gets him, his tummy is a little distended. You can hear it gurgle, and I can hear her's too.

I think with her sharing like that means I accept her. That is how it seems to me anyway. I like those frozen pieces of chocolate pie, so what I normally do is offer her the first bite if I get one.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Well she isn't like me, I am a foodie. I love to eat things. She eats to live, but that is it. A lot of the time, she will eat something sweet, but just chew it up and then spit it out.

She has awful intestinal issues. She has to take a laxative, or she backs up.

Chewing food and spitting it out is a technique used by people with eating disorders, as is the use of laxatives, inconsistent eating pattern and excess weighing.  Saying she only eats to live and then chewing and spitting out something sweet, sounds like a contradiction. 

Excessive use of laxatives, wouldn't be advised by a reputable doctor.   I believe she would be coached to eat balanced routine meals.  People with problems with "backing up" are generally encouraged to take some form of fiber supplements daily to manage things. (with the goal of limiting the use of laxatives)

If she is eating to live, then she needs to give her body some healthy and consistent fuel.  A healthy way to manage weight is to plan out your meals and count calories.  Jumping on the scale and then deciding whether you will eat during a given day (or perhaps have only one small meal or a few bites), isn't a good strategy.  Consuming less calories, within a certain range, over the course of a few days can correct a situation with a few extra pounds. 

   

[Lockjaw]

I will keep a watchful eye on her. I said something to her about fiber, and she says it backs her up. She eats a lot of salads, avacado, kale, things like that. Sometimes she just doesn't eat much. She says she is sensitive to gluten too.

Unless we eat mexican, she almost always gets a salad of some kind. She is 5'10 and prob 145ish. She said she would like to lose 15 pounds. I said baby, you are beautiful just how you are. And truth be told, some of her softer spots, I really like. She has a nice curvy figure.

Her ex never did anything with her once their son was born. He is being a jerk right now and I told her he is being abusive. She said she was no victim because she stayed. I said yes, for your son, until you couldn't stand it anymore. He was more into bud light.

I know she makes me mad sometimes when she is on a rant, but she is a beautiful woman, and why some guy would dog her about how she looks makes no sense to me, except to be hateful. She showed me a note her best girlfriend left her one time, it said she wanted her to know she was beautiful, because she knew she didn't hear that much anymore. So I make sure I tell her.

We had a good weekend, made me feel better. I hope we resolved the whole food thing.

[Grey Kitty]

As for "resolving the whole food thing", there are (at least) two different food things.

One is how you share food / how she takes food. The two of you seem well on your way to resolving this.

The other is any sort of eating disorder she has, along with any dietary restrictions / digestion issues that she has. (And if they get tied into body image issues like thinking she should lose weight when you don't think she needs to.)

Anyhow... .all this is a potentially huge mess, and most importantly, it is your gf's mess. You do not need to participate in it. And if you try, you are inviting a control battle which will likely become toxic.

My stbexwife fought against her weight pretty much all her life, including all the time we were together. I tried to "help" her with some of these issues. In various ways over most of 20 years. And looking back at it, I wish I hadn't done ANY of it. I only muddied the waters, getting involved in her stuff. Some times it seemed to be working well, and she even had agreed/asked me for help. But looking back, I really don't think it did any good at all. I know it only caused harm.

[Notwendy]

Lockjaw,

I agree with letting your GF's food issues be hers. The solution to your discomfort with her taking your food is solvable- order your own "hands off" and something for the two of you to share. Even if it means another entree- you can take the leftovers home for later.


Although you think she looks great the way she is - and I agree with you that she is the right weight for her height and doesn't need to lose weight, you can't control her own self image. We women have had the media and the fashion industry promote unrealistic body images for decades. I think it is hard for women in general to feel compared to this- even if a guy thinks we look great. I think it may be harder for someone with a poor self image to deal with this. There are articles in women's magazines about women who are not happy with certain aspects of their body shape- and those are the aspects that some men love.

You also don't know what messages she grew up with. My attractive BPD mother was constantly concerned about her weight, and she was slim. She started to project these concerns on to me when I began to hit puberty. It's normal for young girls to start "filling out". About this time, my mother began to tell me I was getting fat. I was not overweight then or now, but neither was I supermodel thin so it wasn't easy to deal with.

You don't know what kind of messages she heard growing up. A common one is " you are not good enough". For women, that might include "you are not thin enough".

How do you validate her feelings without agreeing with her poor self image. I think the listening and reassurance that she looks great and that you are attracted to her helps. I don't think we women hear this enough, and it helps to counteract the fashion images we see daily. But also listen- say " I know it must be tough for women to feel they need to look like these images, but they aren't real. I love you the way you are. "

"I love you the way you are" is probably something everyone could hear a little bit more.

[Lockjaw]

Yes I understand her weight isn't a problem I can solve. The main thing I try to do is tell her she is pretty just like she is, and that I love how she looks. Her mom had her do modeling when she was a late teen, so she knows how to dress and present herself. The last time she talked about losing weight I told her I would be supportive and would love us to walk together some. I know she would like that, she likes one on one time with me, and oddly enough, she is the only woman I truly enjoy that with. I have spent nearly 20 years with 2 different wives who I could be away from as easy as be with.

I think the food thing is solved. She agreed not to take anything out of my hands. I said if its on my plate, its fair game. And if its in my hands, just ask me. I understand how she looks at it, and I did my best to validate her feelings on it. That is why I said, hey, take it if its on my plate. And often we agree to order and share. My best friend is worse than me. He says, DO NOT take food from me. He'll buy you whatever you want, just don't take his. LOL!

I know society is rough on women. There is a lot for us guys too. And honestly, as I have gotten older, I see a ton of really nice looking women my age. I don't want some 20 something young lass, what would we have in common? I need someone who can deal with my sons, and that I have an ex wife. That has matured some. That doesn't need to go clubbing every weekend. That's not my thing. And she has to be able to deal with my gun additiction and me hunting. It's my only vice anymore.

I am reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book right now. Its the second one on BPD. And I read one on codependency already too.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes I understand her weight isn't a problem I can solve. The main thing I try to do is tell her she is pretty just like she is, and that I love how she looks.

  You have the right idea! Congratulations on how you are dealing with this. I bolded the best part... .

Still... .as they said on ancient maps, "Here there be dragons." Be careful.

She probably feels fat or unattractive, or that some parts of her body are ugly. (Dunno the details, but I'm sure that there are some.) She may say that she FEELS that way. Or maybe she will say that she IS that way.

You have made it clear that you don't believe she IS that way, and that YOU don't feel that way about her.

If you "correct" her statements, it is invalidating--She FEELS unattractive. The feeling is real. You are telling her that HER FEELING IS WRONG. (If you disagree about whether she IS attractive, that is close enough that you run the risk of invalidation too.)

Obviously if you "agree" any of her statements it is as bad. No, make that worse!

As I said, here there be dragons.

Making it clear that YOUR opinion and belief is that she's attractive is the only (vaguely) safe territory between those two places.

Best yet is telling her / showing her how you feel... .at times when she's NOT showing any sign of doubts about it, and not expecting it!

[Lockjaw]

I just tell her she is beautiful. Oh you will love this. My youngest son calls her "Queen of Beautifulness". She thought I told him to call her that, and I said, no, he came up with it on his own. He loves her.

Funny thing how we met. In a group on fb. We fell in love with each other just mainly messaging. We would see each other every so often if the group did something. When I told her I was falling in love with her, I had a full on panic attack. She thought I was in major distress.

So we had never touched each other, that is the only time I have ever had that happen that way. Usually the cart is before the horse.

Her main issues focus on she isn't as tight as she was when she was younger, and playing sports, and that she has had a baby, and time and gravity have made her a touch soft. She says she has stretch marks, but I haven't really noticed any. She does have a little cellulite, but dang, most women do.

I told her a while back, and usually remind her that we need to accept how the other feels about us as truth. If we both did that, we would be happier.

She likes to ask me about the early times, like pillow talk. What I thought. Things like that. So I always tell her. I tell her often she is hot as fire. She looks good even without make up.

We just have really good chemisty, when there aren't BPD issues. We can go play and goof around and have fun. A guy caught me groping her butt at Home Depot one day and said his wife won't let him do that. She laughed and said she wasn't my wife.

There is a lot there I love. Truly a lot. The biggest challenge is the BPD. Sometimes I can deal with it fine, somedays, not so much. I am working on it though.

[Notwendy]

She missed a good opportunity . I might have been tempted to say "his wife won't let him do that either" just to see the look of surprise. Not sure I'd have the nerve to actually say that but it's a funny idea. 

Seems like you two have good chemistry.  Her concerns about her body are pretty typical and I think most women would be happy to hear their SO thinks they are hot.

[Lockjaw]

I have never had chemistry with a woman like I do with her. She is very pragmatic a lot of the time. And I believe she is a very high functioning BP. So I have some hope she will be able to adjust some.

And I am working on educating myself, and trying not to take things personally.