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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Anyone else have PTSD from dealing with SO's BPD?  (Read 809 times)
bananas2
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« on: January 12, 2017, 04:17:50 PM »

I haven't posted or been on this site since Sept 2015, but I'm back to try again. My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I got from the last few years of dealing with my husband's Borderline behaviors. So this means that he literally has finally "driven me crazy."
For many years I dealt with PTSD from childhood trauma, but I spent 7 years in therapy and recovered well from it. But the PTSD is back now and my doc believes it's from the stress of dealing with hubby's BPD. I have severe anxiety, panic attacks, headaches, etc. I am physically disabled and can't work, so that is hard enough, but now the PTSD is now making everything worse.
Just wondering if anyone else has been diagnosed with PTSD from enduring the Borderline behaviors, and if so, how do you cope?
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« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2017, 06:50:58 PM »

I am pretty sure many have, especially when they have no idea what is going on.

If you are living in an environment where you never know when the next 'explosion" is going to happen, and which you have no control over., it will make you jumpy and fearful, making all kinds of associations that are not there.

I know I used to have severe stress induced headaches and a degree of depression. It is the helplessness and awareness of your vulnerability that feeds it.

Awareness of triggers and boundaries is the first step.

Its not really post traumatic stress as you are still in the environment, and your fears are genuine and current.
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bananas2
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2017, 06:56:04 PM »

Good point waverider, about it not being "post" trauma. I guess there isn't really anything other than that for the psych to call it though.
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2017, 08:10:55 PM »

Yep. Got it myself as well. My environment was all the same things the previous poster mentioned (think we can all relate here) as well as intense physical/emotional abuse.

Diagnosed last year but I shrugged it off.  Just facing it in therapy now.

My least favorite aspect of it is I get hypnic jerks in bed all the time. This is that feeling you get when your about to nod off and your body suddenly wakes you. Like someone drifting off sitting up who suddenly wakes up when their neck goes loose and their face nods forward.

Mine are in bed however, and after the jerk severe and hours long sensations of panic ensue. Basically, no chance of falling back asleep. Often I will scream too right as I am jerked awake.

No fun at all.
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bananas2
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2017, 09:50:34 PM »

cbm419 - So glad you posted that. I get those jerks often, especially when I am hyper-anxious from his psychological abuse. Never knew what it was called. I somehow feel better knowing what it is. Thank you. And I'm sorry you also have to endure that.
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 09:03:02 AM »

Hey bananas2

  I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with feelings of PTSD. I am not sure if what we are feeling is PTSD for what we are living with is STILL going on... .there is no room for the word POST with us still suffereing with a Borderline partner, after all POST means AFTER Smiling (click to insert in post) Unfortuantely it may never be POST for us with a BPD spouse. I feel this way and researched and I really think what we have is called Adrenal Fatigue. It is not well known in the medical community YET but it is starting to gain some notoriety. The concept is that all of our natural "fight or flight" hormones have been depleted because we have been constantly been subjected that "fight or flight" instinct in being scared or "on guard". Look it up, its  worth researching xoxo  
 
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2017, 09:53:00 AM »

I used to have those jerks falling asleep all the time. I didn't know they were from high stress. My uBPDw used to wake me up ( or I would wake her up) because I didn't know I was having them. I don't know if I still do because I am now sleeping alone. My uBPDw moved out last month.
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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 10:54:55 AM »

I have it from my childhood with my 2 BPD parents.  I'm sure H's issues have not helped the situation at times when he's in a bad place and decides to take me with him.

Mostly it's manifested in sleep-maintenance insomnia.  I'm so tired, I can fall asleep, but my dad used to make me feel guilty for sleeping, and as a small child they would fight so much late at night (thanks to what seems to be standard night-time dysregulation) and I felt it was my job to stop them or at least mediate even as young as 5, so I'd get up and follow them through the house.  I don't usually stay asleep, and on average (thanks to my fitbit I could track it) I tend to sleep only 30-45 minutes for every hour in bed, and rarely hit deep sleep except on weekends.  I also jerk myself awake at the onset of sleep. 

I will say that as H has improved a bit, my sleep has improved.  The fitbit was great as it allowed me to have real data showing how crappy my sleep was, and he finally started wearing headphones at night to watch videos, and tried to not be so disruptive.  My sleep has gone from 40% efficient to about 55-60% over about 3 years, so that's improvement.  H would also mock my need to nap at times, much like my dad who told me I was lazy for sleeping past 8 on weekends and needing naps during the week.  I'd grab a nap while dad was at work, and have nightmares about doing the chores I needed to do before he got home.  H has relented a little.  He feels "abandoned" when I am asleep, and so like a toddler, pokes at me to stay awake.

I still have periods of being hyper-anxious and know that loud sounds, noisy rooms, and trying to hear people in those environments is very stressful to me.  It takes a while to calm down in crowds.  I was trained as a child to make as little noise as possible - don't be seen OR heard, and so I still creep around, trying to make as little noise as possible, even while cooking.  It's just ingrained.  H on the other hand, it feels like he stomps and tromps around the house and makes all manner of noise just being in the kitchen, making me worry he's upset, and I have to tell myself, no, he's just acting like a person who was never spanked for making noise walking.  So noise is a big trigger for me, as are large movements, outbursts even if they are good natured (one friend's sister is super loud when she plays board games, it makes me uncomfortable as I'm like, "can't we all just be quiet?".  But I realize a lot of this is inside me, and once I learned PTSD is not limited to war veterans, and can be present in those who've faced abuse, it all made sense.  And I realize that my being triggered by things like H "stomping" / walking around the house made me likely to snap at him, and trigger HIM.  So I am working on that.
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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2017, 03:37:40 PM »

Great post. I am sure many here deal with some of the symptoms, whether diagnosed or not. I too have looked into Adrenal Fatigue searching for natural ways to deal with it.

The comment about when the SO is in a bad place and he decides to take me with him, is priceless. I haven't figured out yet why they seem to be so successful dragging us down, but we can't seem to do as well lifting them up?
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2017, 04:51:07 PM »

Hello bananas2 

A close friend who's a psychologist told me she suspected me of having PTSD (childhood). I do not think however that our BPD partners can cause our PTSD, unless in extreme cases, because I think PTSD is caused by a lifethreatening event (trauma).

When children, even emotional abuse can seem (or be) lifethreatening, so than it's different. At least that's what I understood.

My supposed PTSD became apparent when I was with my BPDex, but he didn't cause it, he only made it come to the surface and made the symptoms more pronounced. Someone healthy would not have developed PTSD from being with him (well, they actually would have walked away a lot earlier heheh).

Hope that helps.
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bananas2
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« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2017, 11:40:14 AM »

The comment about when the SO is in a bad place and he decides to take me with him, is priceless. I haven't figured out yet why they seem to be so successful dragging us down, but we can't seem to do as well lifting them up?
[/quote]
Agree about that comment, and thanks to isilme for posting it.
I believe the reason they take us down with them is their fear of abandonment. Even when they are the one to "leave" (literally or figuratively), it somehow resonates with them that we are the ones leaving them. So when they go to that "bad place," they try to take us with them so they don't feel alone/abandoned."
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« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2017, 12:00:44 PM »

This thread opened my eyes.  My next google search will be about adrenal fatigue.

Isilme,

You basically just described my sleep patterns, and noise anxieties to a T.

I will add though, that I occasionally get the 'jerks', even when I'm fully awake.  While I connected my insomnia to relationship stress, I did not connect the jerks, and noise anxieties to it.  Certainly some food for thought!



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« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2017, 12:28:39 PM »

I realized I've had insomnia in some form as long as I can remember, and I can remember lying awake back to the age or 2 or 3 (we lived in a trailer when I was that age, and I remember being awake all night in my room there, and all other places we've lived).  For a long time, I took my dad's word I was just lazy, was worried I had thyroid problems, but then the sleep tracking showed that I am often literally just awake at night.  So for me to feel rested I either need a night with longer stretches of no disruptions, or I need to be in bed forever, like 9+ hours. 

I DO feel my insomnia started with the parents fighting at night.  I've noticed H's BPD dysregulation can be stronger at night, and have learned that for him sleep is admitting time is passing, something he is terrified of and even though I think he knows it's irrational, he seems to feel that staying awake will prevent him from facing the future.  He gets wired right before bed, kinda like a small child fighting being sleepy, and gets chatty, and can be moody if I just want to go to sleep. I don't WANT to talk.  I want to wind down, but he often winds up.  So I can imagine Mom and Dad both winding each other up as they both needed to be going to sleep, poking at each other, resulting in the often violent fights.  Not exactly an environment to allow a child to feels safe sleeping. 

They take us with them because they cannot experience their emotions alone - that's my theory.  H cannot process his emotions internally.  He ahs worked on talking them out with me instead of yelling at me as if they are my fault - that is a BIG "victory" and it took 10 years of floundering and 10 years reading about BPD to get there, and lots of me working on being less codependent and enmeshed. 

H finally admitted just a  few years back he cannot get his frustration or anger out without a human target of sorts.  Meaning, me, as the most accessible human.  He can be mad at the weather, and need to gripe in my presence to get it out.  Me, as an only child in a house with two unstable people, isolated from all family and disallowed friends, I had to develop some form of coping on my own.  It's not the best, but I talk to myself when alone, and let myself cry if needed, yell if needed, but no one is around,  It's just me.  H can't do that.  But, knowing this has allowed me a little space from accepting the emotional barrage.  I try to listen and not absorb it or internalize, if that makes any sense.  My success varies based on the topic, and my level of well-being.  If I am sick, or exhausted, I don't do so well.  I think trying to not Invalidate is a bit more useful than simply validating any and everything.  I just can't validate that the weather changes to screw up his day.  I can agree that it sucks having your plans messed up because it rained. 

I will also look up adrenal fatigue, I've never heard of it.  Right now, between a new mattress that minimizes feeling the other person move around and decreases pressure points, him being more considerate overall with headphones and white noise machines, in conjunction with valerian root, kava kava, or other herbal remedies, I am working on the sleep maintenance.  I know if I am tired, I am more likely to feel anxious or stressed, and this is part of me taking care of me.   
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bananas2
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« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2017, 01:24:18 PM »

Since I'm the one who originally posted this thread, I should clarify about "getting" PTSD from my BPD hubby:
I don't think I stated this correctly, and I apologize. I already had PTSD diagnosis from childhood abuse, and had overcome it through years of therapy. I was stable when I met my now husband. After a few years of enduring my hub's BPD behaviors, my PTSD symptoms resurfaced. Therefore, I didn't get it from him, so to speak, but rather my symptoms came back as a result of being a target for his abuse.
I hope that clears things up.
Thank you for all the support and wonderful comments/advice!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2017, 04:15:55 PM »

Another suggestion for anxiety, insomnia and muscle jerks is to look into magnesium and calcium deficiencies, as well as the adrenal fatigue. Great post!

I have actually read that the longer one is in an unhealthy relationship, the more likely they are to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, Complex PTSD or even take on traits of BPD themselves, which is scary. I also agree that a PTSD diagnosis would be more appropriate after one has excited the relationship. I guess they need to come up with a new stress diagnosis for those who remain, like current traumatic stress disorder or CTSD.  
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« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2017, 08:22:21 PM »

Great thread by the way and very thought provoking. I made a previous comment but I would like to add that I have noticed that since living apart I have less insomnia. Certainly less anxiety. Sadness, but in a different way and not unbearable like when she lived with me. I am healing. Getting my sanity back. Relaxing. Safe in my home.

I hope I don't develop PTSD later on although I am not sure that I DONT have some of it now and certainly may have had it while I was with her as a left over from my narcissistic mother.
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« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2017, 08:56:28 PM »

I am noticing that I too jerk right before I drift off to sleep, when I am doing time in the "split black" cell block, I dread any interaction with my uBPDw, of course I sleep in the office on the leather couch, she barricades herself in the bedroom... .when I hear that door open, my heart jumps, and I do not mean in a good way... .if I get home from work first, and I am in the house, if I hear that garage door opener running... .again, my heart jumps, and not in the good way... .I think I am actually afraid of her, not that she should could ever hurt me physically, but I dread the coming "interaction"... .the emotional whipping, draining that is about to occur... .likened to having your tooth pulled, or your face slapped, and there is nothing to do except fight avoid, or leave... .early in the morning when I hear the door to our bedroom open, and she walks out in those high heels coming across the wood floors... .click click click click... .I jolt from my sleep, and my heart jumps... .but not in a good way... .do I have PTSD of some sort(?)... .I have already survived a broken first marriage that almost destroyed me emotionally... .I spent 21 years with a woman that I could not "save"... .what am I scared of, why does my heart jump so, why do I jolt from sleep, and right before I finally drift off... .and the dreams I have... .running across a burned out abandoned landscape seeking safety and warmth... .shelter... .a reoccurring dream it is... .she used to be so warm, so kind, my brand new best friend... .then after about seven months the first shoe dropped, .I had no clue, thought it was post divorce adjustment(s)... .then we decided to marry, and the other shoe then dropped... .she is a completely different person to me now... .this spring will be ten years with her... .why does she make me so nervous... .I used to be a Marine, I worked on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier, this should be child's play for me after what I have been through in life... .did I seek this out on some strange emotional level... .why does my little plastic heart jolt and jump so when I hear her coming... .ugh !
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« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2017, 09:25:16 PM »

I am noticing that I too jerk right before I drift off to sleep, when I am doing time in the "split black" cell block, I dread any interaction with my uBPDw, of course I sleep in the office on the leather couch, she barricades herself in the bedroom ... .when I hear that door open, my heart jumps, and I do not mean in a good way ... .if I get home from work first, and I am in the house, if I hear that garage door opener running ... .again, my heart jumps, and not in the good way ... .I think I am actually afraid of her, not that she should could ever hurt me physically, but I dread the coming "interaction" ... .the emotional whipping, draining that is about to occur ... .likened to having your tooth pulled, or your face slapped, and there is nothing to do except fight avoid, or leave ... .early in the morning when I hear the door to our bedroom open, and she walks out in those high heels coming across the wood floors ... .click click click click ... .I jolt from my sleep, and my heart jumps ... .but not in a good way ... .do I have PTSD of some sort(?) ... .I have already survived a broken first marriage that almost destroyed me emotionally ... .I spent 21 years with a woman that I could not "save" ... .what am I scared of, why does my heart jump so, why do I jolt from sleep, and right before I finally drift off ... .and the dreams I have ... .running across a burned out abandoned landscape seeking safety and warmth ... .shelter ... .a reoccurring dream it is ... .she used to be so warm, so kind, my brand new best friend ... .then after about seven months the first shoe dropped, ... .I had no clue, thought it was post divorce adjustment(s) ... .then we decided to marry, and the other shoe then dropped ... .she is a completely different person to me now ... .this spring will be ten years with her ... .why does she make me so nervous ... .I used to be a Marine, I worked on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier, this should be child's play for me after what I have been through in life ... .did I seek this out on some strange emotional level ... .why does my little plastic heart jolt and jump so when I hear her coming ... .ugh !

Very poetic post my friend Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2017, 09:27:39 PM »

Great thread by the way and very thought provoking. I made a previous comment but I would like to add that I have noticed that since living apart I have less insomnia. Certainly less anxiety. Sadness, but in a different way and not unbearable like when she lived with me. I am healing. Getting my sanity back. Relaxing. Safe in my home.

I hope I don't develop PTSD later on although I am not sure that I DONT have some of it now and certainly may have had it while I was with her as a left over from my narcissistic mother.

People can adjust to anything except unpredictable instability, as there is nothing to adjust to.
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« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2017, 04:23:46 PM »

Great point!

Wouldn't it really be predictable instability?
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2017, 11:27:27 PM »

Great point!

Wouldn't it really be predictable instability?

The real issue is how we can react to instabilty
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« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2017, 02:59:28 AM »

I am noticing that I too jerk right before I drift off to sleep, when I am doing time in the "split black" cell block, I dread any interaction with my uBPDw, of course I sleep in the office on the leather couch, she barricades herself in the bedroom ... .when I hear that door open, my heart jumps, and I do not mean in a good way ... .if I get home from work first, and I am in the house, if I hear that garage door opener running ... .again, my heart jumps, and not in the good way ... .I think I am actually afraid of her, not that she should could ever hurt me physically, but I dread the coming "interaction" ... .the emotional whipping, draining that is about to occur ... .likened to having your tooth pulled, or your face slapped, and there is nothing to do except fight avoid, or leave ... .early in the morning when I hear the door to our bedroom open, and she walks out in those high heels coming across the wood floors ... .click click click click ... .I jolt from my sleep, and my heart jumps ... .but not in a good way ... .do I have PTSD of some sort(?) ... .I have already survived a broken first marriage that almost destroyed me emotionally ... .I spent 21 years with a woman that I could not "save" ... .what am I scared of, why does my heart jump so, why do I jolt from sleep, and right before I finally drift off ... .and the dreams I have ... .running across a burned out abandoned landscape seeking safety and warmth ... .shelter ... .a reoccurring dream it is ... .she used to be so warm, so kind, my brand new best friend ... .then after about seven months the first shoe dropped, ... .I had no clue, thought it was post divorce adjustment(s) ... .then we decided to marry, and the other shoe then dropped ... .she is a completely different person to me now ... .this spring will be ten years with her ... .why does she make me so nervous ... .I used to be a Marine, I worked on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier, this should be child's play for me after what I have been through in life ... .did I seek this out on some strange emotional level ... .why does my little plastic heart jolt and jump so when I hear her coming ... .ugh !

Oh my god.  Red5 you have completely captured the spectrum of thought that underlies so many of the anxieties that rush when I am "jerked" by my trauma.  Again, I mean to refer to my own sensations of hypnagogic jerks that have arisen during the breakdown and now detachment from BPD's and I's r/s.

Thank you, so much for your contribution.  What you've written portrays it all so well to me.  the feelings of undeserved, irrational pain, that almost confused experience of nervousness, anxiety... .

what you write is like a poem of these rushing feelings.  I have had two again this week. A full week after I even wrote on this thread, in the first place, about this physical symptom/manifestation of what my therapists calls "PTSD" or aspects of PTSD.  Yesterday, I woke twice around 2am, then 4am, jerking in a panic.  the second kept me awake as such i didnt sleep again.  there is just this intense sense of panic in these moments. 

I really despise this.  I do feel moved on, or moving on all the time.  While, I am intellectually and emotionally happy to be done with my BPDex, these almost primitive, fight/flight sensations still appear.  The only thing I could compare them is to the rush of adrenaline/fear/panic with my ex in the worst of our fights... .just read a few of my posts, you'd get it!

Thank you!
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« Reply #22 on: January 21, 2017, 11:29:23 AM »

I will say that the PANIC factor, the waking up in total panic attack mode, has gone since my uBPDw moved out. My panic derived from the feeling of being stuck and and a fear that I would never be delivered from the hell of my own suffering. Where does your panic come from? What does it relate to? Maybe analyzing that can help. I dunno.
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« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2017, 05:33:38 AM »

I'm sure I suffer from it - my husband's moods are so unpredictable - he's looking at declaring bankruptcy at the moment and is understandably stressed about it but spends hours ranting about the corrupt 'system' (instead of accepting his financial irresponsibility is really the reason) and attacks me if he perceives I say something the wrong way when he's all worked up - I never know if he's going to turn on me - it hurts as well as creates constant stress in my body.
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« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2017, 02:46:17 PM »

Hi Lockjaw,

I think Welbutrin may be a stimulant? It can possibly provide one with energy and help with focus for ADD. For some people however, it can hype them up... .leading to irritability and increased aggression. I also think, if one has a tendency towards OCD traits, it can make them worse because focusing on them becomes easier. Just my two cents for what it is worth.
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