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Author Topic: My daughter with BPD died by suicide . I need help in understanding why.  (Read 1303 times)
Rkmom

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« on: January 15, 2017, 12:24:23 AM »

Help me please. My daughter died in March by suicide. It happened in a second when her father told her that her problems with the men in her life was because of her mental illness and not because of us. I cut myself of from her 2 months before her death as I could not handle her anger against me. I feel so guilty now for all the things I did and did not do for her.
How does anyone who is in my situation cope? All the things that she said I did that had affected her did not seem to me the reasons she became what she was then. But now all those things I know have affected her so much. How could I have been so insensitive. Why did I not nurture the sensitive child I had . I failed as a mother.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 01:27:14 AM »

Hello Rkmom,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you are feeling.  I have three daughters, but am on this board for help dealing with my BPD wife; I don't have any experience with an adult BPD child.  But it is late, and unless you get lucky with a night owl, it may be a while before you hear back so I wanted to reach out right away to at least send some love and understanding.  Here are some thoughts.  BPD does not play by the rules the rest of the world plays by.  It is terribly difficult to keep your bearings, separate the non-BPD's issues from the BPD issues, etc.  You would think that it would be possible to figure everything out, but I've been in a relationship with a BPD for 28 years and I still feel isolated and at the limits of my ability to cope.  One of the most terrible things about BPD is that a person may be in pain but somehow seems to do everything they can to drive help away.  No matter how brilliant you may have been, there is no way you could have been so perfectly superhuman to guarantee that things would work out OK.  You can forgive yourself and get to the other side of this, but expect it to take dedication and a huge amount of energy over a long time.  Use this board.  Find a therapist who specializes in grieving.  Find a support group for families of suicide if you can.  That's all I can say; I hope it helps just a little bit, and I hope you find as much solace and support as I have from this board.
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2017, 04:28:34 AM »

Hi Rkmom,

I'm glad you found us and I hope you an find some solace is working with us. Ever year we have family members lose loved ones to this disease. You are not alone in your lose or your inability to fully understand. You can do things to help others as they help you and not let this loss be in vain.

I imagine the holidays were very difficult.

Tell us a little about her life. I know she was 30, separated from a husband who had not been faithful to her, and had a very difficult time when a rebound relationship ended. What was her name? What was her joy in life?

Warmly,

Skip

PS; We have a memorial and would like to honor your daughter. It's a memorial of her and it a monument to the hundreds of thousand who come here each year of the true seriousness of this disorder. If you want to share her first name we will post it.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=188407.0
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2017, 04:52:54 AM »

Rkmom,

I would like to join Wentworth and Skip and welcome you. I am very sorry for the loss of your dear daughter. I cannot imagine a worse pain. Please know that you are not alone, and that we are here to support you as you grieve.

I'm glad you reached out for support. Keep posting. We will walk beside you through this. ❤️

heartandwhole
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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2017, 06:24:18 AM »

Thank you for writing to me so fast.I try to tell myself that what she had was due to a medical condition. But it still does not absolve me  for abandoning her in the last 2 months of her life. My daughter was a beautiful, warm, kind, really smart child who was perfect. I do not know when that changed. She became bulimic and I,stupid person never noticed it, till long after she became an adult.
She was always top of her class in studies, excelled at sport and was good at whatever she did. I made so many mistakes. When she was a little child she came home one day with the buckle of one of her uniform shoes broken. I fixed the buckle with a safety pin and sent her to school as it was just  few days before the school year ended. She came home that evening with another child's shoe. That upset me so much. I got angry and told her quite harshly that what she did was wrong. Now in hind sight I know that I should have been more gentle and explained to her that her action was wrong and that it had caused another child difficulty.I should have gotten a pair of new shoes. I told her that she was above average and with her capabilities could be at the top of whatever she wanted to do. She told me later that my telling her that she was just above average was not what a good mother should do. I also told her once when she was a child wanted to cuddle not to sit too close to me. I really don't know why I did that. But this had really upset her so much that in one of her angry days said that it was because of these things that she developed BPD.
After I posted on this site 2 years back and she was hospitalised she seemed better for a brief period. She was also recommended a therapist in New York who was supposedly very good at DBT. She got a job as a pastry chef in a really good restuaraunt which was in the same building that she lived. Her therapist advised her against taking up this job. I don't know if all this was fate. I thought that a steady job would give some stucture to her life. She was such a smart person and she was just whiling away her time. I pushed her to do voluntary work and for a time she she did it . Soon after this she kept asking when I was going to go back
to India. She planned a trip to Europe with all sorts of people.I just sat helpless watching her plan this trip. Two days before leaving for India she came home with a kit for smoking pot. I think I knew then that I could do nothing and that her life
was going downhill. She fell in love with a school mate of hers whom she met in Europe and that did not last as he wanted to break up. She again was depressed, started cutting herself and finally came home. It looked like she was doing okay. Her therapist in India seemed to be helping her. Two days before she died she
made a web site for the bakery she was planning to start. She was taking orders for baking pastries for parties. All of a sudden when my us and came to pick her up to take her out to dinner she started becoming very angry and blaming him for her relationship with not working out. When he told her that it was not him that was the cause of her problems but her disease and that she need to get treated and become better for a relationship to work she yelled at him saying -You think I am mad and just jumped down from her apartment. My child is gone.
Thank you for listening to me. The first two months after she was gone I somehow managed. I went to New York, cleared her things and sorted her affairs. I am a doctor. I have gone back to work. Everyone tells me time will help with my grief. But I am missing her more and more with time. There are no grief therapists here.
I went to see a psychiatrist who put me on medication that was making me very sleepy do I stopped taking them. I own a large laboratory and the livelihood of
many people depends on me. I know I am depressed.  Some days are okay. May be her suffering was so much that she could not handle it any longer. I want to do something for children with personality problems and also for their parents. But months have passed and I just have not done anything. I have written so much.
I thank you all for listening. It has helped.
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« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2017, 06:55:18 AM »

That had to be very hard being there and being a part of it. Wow. How is your husband handling it? What were you prescribed?
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2017, 07:35:32 AM »

Hi Rkmom

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds like a remarkable women and you clearly loved her very deeply...

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you right now but I'm very grateful you have come here and found the strength to share your grief with us.

BPD causes such terrible pain for the sufferers and their loved ones even when they try their hardest to make things better. I realise that it's not much consolation right now but it sounds like you tried your best to help your daughter find a way through.

When we lose someone like this we are left with so many unanswered questions. It's very natural to dig into the past and focus on what we did or didn't do. All parents make mistakes, it's inevitable, but BPD creates enormous challenges for any parent. You helped your daughter get the best professional help - I'm so sorry that the outcome wasn't better. It's so hard but no matter how much you want to help someone you love to get better you cannot control the disorder or heal someone else. And you cannot control another person or make their choices for them

I appreciate that you have a lot responsibilities but do you have a support network who can help to share your grief?

I realise that you're in a huge amount of pain but missing her, remembering her and grieving for your loss isn't only natural and healthy - it's essential. Your grief may ease with time but your daughter will always be in your heart and that's not a bad thing.

Thank you for sharing. We are here for you

Reforming

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« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2017, 07:52:55 AM »

I am so very sorry for your loss , please please do not blame yourself it will only eat away at your soul.  Try and concentrate on your happy memories of your lovely daughter .  This is a terrible disease and no one has the answers.  Please take care of yourself and know you were a great mom hold on to that.  
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« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2017, 08:37:43 AM »

RK Mom I join the others in sending sympathy for your girls untimely passing. My D17's good friend completed a year ago April and it nearly did the same for myD who blamed herself for not helping. It has taken a lot of therapy and an eight month residential stay to stabilize my D to a place where she is coping.

It sounds like services in India are limited in terms of support groups, etc. There may be on-line support groups for survivors of suicide. Losing a child is said to be the greatest loss of all and I cannot even begin to imagine.

Unfortunately, not all people can be saved... .in my D's friends situation she had tons of support w/family, in-home therapist, social workers Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) school, friends, but the pain of BPD was too strong.

Try to remember the good times with your D. As parents none of us are perfect, all we do is the best we can at the time. Of course in hindsight everyone sees something that could have been handled differently.  look at all the good in the years you had her. You cannot carry the weight of her troubled words with you as they were spoken in rage and it was the illness speaking not your little girl.

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« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2017, 08:50:27 AM »

Rkmom,  I am so very very sorry that this has happened to you and your child. It is truly heartbreaking. I don't have any words to help you, but please know that you and your daughter are being thought of.  
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« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2017, 01:54:16 PM »

My daughter died five years ago by overdosing on her pain medication.

Eva was younger than your daughter but the disease and drama were the same. If you search my post you can see the similarities.

How to cope.

I at first just kept doing what I had to. Sounds like where you are now. Others do count on us, and we continue our lives. But you will need to face the feelings, perhaps just to be able to name them. I felt grief and guilt but I also felt anger and most sadly relief. Feelings are, even without names, but to heal I needed to consciously accept the path.

I also needed to talk about Eva, still do, to not allow her to faded. Friends avoided bring her up for fear of hurting me. The silence hurt more. Remember the real daughter, for me that means the joyful childhood but also turbulent adolescence. I don't want to change her reality.

Practically I needed a creative out let. Something to take me out of my self, creative people talk about 'flow' in creating. I need that transcendent energy. If you could find a non work task that engages you I believe it will help.

I also have a strong belief system, prayer and learning deeper help ground me.

Lastly, time does ease the shock. It does bring a calmness. For me it doesn't take away the loss. I hang on to the phrase 'rest in peace' because for her early life Eva had little or no peaceful rest. But I miss her and think of her every day.

If you want we can talk more.

This is a horrific burden, the wonder is we survive at all.
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2017, 01:17:11 AM »

Thank you all for hearing me and being kind. Af1947 thank you for being there so soon. I really needed to put my wretchedness out there in that moment. Reforming, mggt, larmyont, thank you for your kind words.
Bright Day Mom, I feel so sad that your child had to go through what she had to in this young age . I am glad she is doing well. I know I will to at some stage too. But right now some  days are so hard. Others not so. I have to function. I am, although not at my best. There are days when I have imaginary conversations in my head with my daughter. I listen to her typical responses and smile to myself. Other days it's unbearable.
Seeklight, I am so sorry you had to go through what I am going through now. Thank you for telling me that  at some point things will not be so bad. The first few weeks I felt nothing. No grief. I could not understand what was wrong with me. What kind of a human being was I. But all that changed. Why was I not more caring and empathetic. At work there is no time to think. Once home I do not have the energy for much. I was so house proud . Now I just leave things lying around. I enjoyed cooking. I don't do much of it or anything else.I watch mindless television till I fall asleep late at night. I know all this is not helping me.
I have a really wonderful, supporting family and a few good caring friends who are there for me.  But they can't help me with what I am feeling. Only I can get myself out of it. Some days I tell myself this is enough, get your life back on track. But this lasts for a very short period.  Yes, could I talk more with you please?
Skip, my husband seems to be doing okay. He works from 6am to 10pm comes home, makes sure I have had dinner and goes to sleep. This is all 7 days a week. I am angry with him. I took care of my child till the last few months of her life. I told him I could not any more and asked him to support her. He should have taken better care of her. I know I am not being fair to him. But theses are my thoughts. We don't talk much about our daughter. I was spared by not being present when she decided to go. He was. I really don't know how he keeps going.
I was prescribed escilatoprim and mirzatopine. The latter was making me sleepy. I did not want to take the former for too long as the side effects of withdrawing from the drug seemed quite bad. Also this was in the second month after her death. I hope this feeling of sadness will pass and a good day comes. It will. It's just now bad.
Thank you all.
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2017, 03:45:55 AM »

Hi RKmom

I'm just so sad to learn about your daughter's suicide. My brother committed suicide when he was 48. It's such a brutal shock isn't it. I'm told that the grief from losing a child is like no other and I'm just so very sorry to hear of your pain.

Living with regrets is hard to bear. I sincerely hope you explore ways to help yourself find a way forwards from this place you're in. Helping others may be a way for you.

Try and be kind to yourself. We are all only human. We all have regrets.

You've said that there aren't any grief counsellors available to you. Maybe there are some available by telephone or Skype. Or perhaps you could start a local group. Please don't suffer in silence and I hope that you find some solace soon.

L
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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2017, 04:51:30 AM »

I am glad to continue with you.

I will write my thoughts and hopefully you can find yourself reflected. Of course you can ask me anything.

The lack of energy, motivation at home I believe is your spirit needing down time after the needed expenditure of yourself at work. Be gentle with yourself, try not to judge your emotions. You feel what you feel, probably as much as you can tolerate at this point. Mindless activities have their place.

If you feel cooking as enjoyment is beyond you now, it will be there when you are ready. Please be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a loved one.

You and your husband are on different journeys of grief over your child. This was hard for me too, I needed him to feel and react as I was - not fair for either of us. You both lost the same loved child but you are individuals. I know you know this but in grief I often thought irrationally. Perhaps you see that at times too.

Medications can assist in grief, but I resisted. Sounds as if the side affects were difficult.

I wish you a better day today than yesterday.
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« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2017, 07:14:50 AM »

I wish you a better day today than yesterday.

I do too.
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« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2017, 08:10:27 AM »

I am so sorry for your loss.  All I can offer is that I have several friends whose children were not BPD but yet committed/attempted suicide.  They were wonderful parents.  Life is so unpredictable.  It is a mystery as to why things happen. 

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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2017, 09:03:28 AM »

Skip and seeking light. Today is a good day. Thank you for the support you gave me when I needed it so much.
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2017, 09:11:00 AM »

Skip and seeking light. Today is a good day. Thank you for the support you gave me when I needed it so much.

Thank you for the update, Rkmom. That is very good news to hear.

Keep posting and updating us, when you can. We care and are here for you. 
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« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2017, 04:29:00 PM »

Hello Rkmom,

I am writing you because I want you to know that I read your post. I don't really know how to comfort you because loosing a child is one of the things I am most fearful of myself, so I can hardly grasp what you are going through. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and I'm hoping you will find the strength to be gentle with yourself.

In your post you enumerate a few things you did when your daughter was still a child, and where you blame yourself for. Please do know that as an outsider these things to me seem things that every parent does. They are *not* causes for BPD. In hindsight there are always one million things one can find we did 'wrong', but please stay realistic. One of the causes of BPD is said to be abuse during childhood (read : 'one' of the causes). The things you mentioned are not abuse, they are just normal parenting, with its ups and downs. No one can expect him or herself to be a perfect parent, because it simply does not exist. Just because your daughter is not there anymore is not a reason to go expecting impossibly perfect parenting from yourself.

Please do accept my love going your way. I wish I could do more.
x
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« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2017, 06:41:05 PM »

I have lived through a parents suicide and recovered and when I look back, nothing matters more than hope.

You are not alone and you should not try to go it alone.  Professional therapy and grief counseling is mandatory or you will not find peace.  Don't waste another second, go now! Nothing could be more important. You did not do this, you cannot hold yourself responsible for someone's suicide, even if they were mad at you, how people feel is not on you and you don't own that power.  Suicide is a choice and we can't be responsible for everyone's choices. Lots of us have huge problems but we find other ways out.

My father committed suicide with a shotgun when I was 17 in my grandmas house.  I was so pissed for years and lost many years to depression. What was my role?  What did I do wrong? Then when I was 32 I was diagnosed with bipolar after getting out of rehab and came to the realization with the help of my psychiatrist of why I was so crazy but it didn't seem that way to me and why my dad was the same he just never found the answers he needed and the disease won.  It was profound moment of clarity unlike any!

 I learned forgiveness of him and of myself.  It took years to accept it and get help and when I did I learned I can take responsibility of doing something about my pain and likewise I have to let others take or not take responsibility for themselves.  In all my counseling and 12 step I have learned that the reason most of us suffer is because we think we have all these powers of other people's live.  Everyone including myself does it and that is crazy!  I can't imagine your pain as a mother.  That pain is real and the sense of guilt you must feel is real and understandable but please don't let win.  I am a spiritual man these days and you will be in my prayers this evening.  Please talk to a professional in your area about grief counseling.

If your like me, the never ending constant drum beating of the question of "why" never went away on its own or at least it wouldn't until a doctor could lead me through therapy to closure.  I had to be counseled through my tangled thoughts until one day I finally stood before that last door in the process, closure.  I reached closure and I learned closure means closed--forever.  Nothing can change the past, not even God so you will learn to look forward again.  The relief was overwhelming and freeing, I literally walked out of a prison.  You need recovery and it is a process that starts with one single step in the right direction and 10,000 more small steps in the same direction.

For BPD I started here www.nyp.org/BPDresourcecenter if understanding is going to help you forgive yourself then the truth can set you free.  Understanding the mental illness helped get rid of the blame for me.  I could still love my dad and hate the illness.

Best

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« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2017, 09:38:00 AM »

Fie, thank you for comforting me. I hope you never have to go through what I am going through. I pray that your child will always be safe and hopefully peaceful.
I know I did not intentionally hurt my daughter but she none the less was because of her nature. I also know that the disease must have some genetic cause. That again she has inherited from me or my husband.
I feel so rotten now because she was suffering so much and I as a parent was not able to take away that suffering. More than that I was so angry with her at times. In my selfishness to be peaceful I kept away from her the last 2 months of her life.
My mother tells me that had my daughter been alive I would still be angry with her on and off and not feel guilty about it.  She is right.
I am trying to be kind to myself. But I miss her so much and wish that I had had more patience and empathy and helped her. It is too late now. This is what I beat myself over and over again. Every time after I have really bad days  there are periods which are okay. I guess there will eventually come a time when I won't feel so bad and all my thoughts will of the good times with her.
Thank you once again for your comforting message.
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« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2017, 12:04:24 PM »

Rkmom,


Thank you for reaching out to me and wishing me I would not have to go through what you are going through. It takes a very kind and extremely empathic personality to be able to do that in your circumstances.

Although I do understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling, I see it differently. Of course that’s because for you feelings of strong love for your daughter compromise your rational thoughts.
You f.e. know very well it is not our fault when we pass on certain genetic diseases. We do not consciously decide such  things.

You are wishing you’d had not been angry with your daughter that much. As much as I understand this,  I think that you are in the first place human, and only secondly parent. I bet anyone would have been so angry with your daughter in your situation. My mum is BPD, I used to be superangry with her and I at times still am. It will most probably never go away. Sometimes we simply don’t choose our emotions. I also do not think there’s something wrong with any emotion at all. They just are what they are.

I also don’t think keeping away from BPD behaviors (and thus, unfortunately from the person exhibiting them) makes us selfish. It simply means that we have our limits. We are human. It’s one of the reasons why I choose to limit contact as much as possible with my mum. I hardly ever see her. A lot of people on these boards choose this approach in regard to dealing with their loved one with BPD. That does not make us bad people. It also does not mean we don’t love the person in question. It just means we cannot deal with their behaviors. Let us not forget that it is their behavior that is abnormal – not our reaction to it. There is no perfect way of reacting to behaviors that are out of line, and keep being out of line, time and time again, year in year out.

In your case you are confronted with something extremely tragic, and *this* is why you started to question the approach you had. The reason is *not* that your approach was not good or not healthy – because it was.

You can beat yourself up as much as you want, but I think everyone is responsible for his / her own emotions. You could not have changed the way your daughter felt. She felt bad, period. Nothing you did or didn’t do could have changed that. She could also have felt bad and not commited suicide. Still she chose exactly that. Also that, is something you could not have changed. Some people would even call what she did selfish (I am not judging *her* here, only asking a question about something she *did*).

Please do not wait to get yourself grieve counseling. This is too much to carry on your own, even with the support of these boards.

Here’s a book about grieving that might be helpful : ‘The journey from abandonment to healing’, from Susan Anderson.

You also said you wanted to do something for children with personality problems and for their parents. I think by writing here about your situation, you are doing exactly that. I am sure there are people reading, even when not posting themselves, who will benefit from your words, who will feel supported because they are in a similar situation.

Please keep on posting. We will never judge you here, because we understand.
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« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2017, 04:10:05 PM »

I am so so sorry for your loss and horrible weight that is on you I can't imagine what you are going through it makes me so sad to hear it.

I just want to tell you that you DO have something important to offer through your experience and understanding.  Somewhere there are other mothers in the same situation and maybe even more critically there are mothers who might wind up in the same situation and your words and your experience will help them.  I don't know what form it will take but even just your posting to this board helped me right now remember what is really truly important instead of focusing on my more shallow hurt from a recent interaction.  I want you to know that you have a great deal of value and you may help or even prevent tragedies. 

That doesn't heal your loss and I am so sorry.

I dont know about what to do next but memorializing your daughter and sharing memories of her in any way is very welcome.  her choice however horrific and painful and awful it was is not your fault.  all of us can do better in how we relate to each other.  i am so sorry.
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daisymydog

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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2017, 04:52:57 PM »

Dear Rkmom:

My heart breaks for you. Your story could be any mom's story. No mom can be perfect 24 hours a day for a lifetime. We are human beings. You are a human being, and you sound like a very loving, self-reflective one, who is currently torturing herself in a vain attempt to answer the question, "Why?"

I am so, so sorry that you have been so unfortunate. Not bad, not deserving of punishment. Just horribly, horribly, unfortunate.

Your poor daughter has an illness that did not allow her to see you and your actions clearly. I understand a little about that, because I have a daughter with C-PTSD, which can mimic BPD symptoms. (we adopted her as a traumatized teenager from foster care).

When she first arrived in our home, she was extraordinarily sensitive to the slightest variations in word, tone, touch, and deed in me.  I grew to love her dearly, but constantly being monitored, and monitoring myself, to make sure my behavior was flawlessly kind and loving was EXHAUSTING. She even used to watch me sleep, to make sure I still loved her when I was unconscious, and didn't talk about her in my sleep!

Nobody can stand up that scrutiny. Nobody. So many times she would take some minor thing- a sigh, a slight weariness after a long day- as a sign that I "hated her."

Eventually, she was able to heal. But if she'd had BPD, I doubt she would have been able to. It's just such a hard disorder (my bro and dad have it). 

My daughter was briefly suicidal.  If she had committed suicide, I know I would have blamed myself, like you are doing now.  But it would not have been my fault and it is not yours.  In fact, NOTHING that you described doing makes you a terrible mother. Far from it. If the incidents you described are the sum total of the less-than-ideal mom moments you have had, then you were a GREAT mom.  You are not the only mom who jerry-rigged a kid's piece of clothing, or missed a health condition, or pushed a kid away in exhaustion or frustration at a moment when they wanted to be held close.

I wish, in a way, that such slight things, such mistakes, had so much power, because then think what power all our love and care would have! All those thousands of nights you tucked her in bed, all those meals, those holidays, those hugs. What a mighty force of love that would be (and was). Every mom in the world wishes their love could keep their child safe, flashing around them like an angel's shining sword.

But it can't. We can only love, and love again, and keep on loving in our flawed and imperfect and hopeful ways. The rest is out of our hands.

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Rkmom

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« Reply #24 on: January 22, 2017, 01:18:03 AM »

Mika1739,  golds, daismydog,
Thank you for writing and comforting me.
Mika1739, it must have been so hard for you as a teenager to live all the years blaming yourself for your fathers death. I am glad that you are finally off that horrible burden.
I am a mother who is responsible for how my child turned out. As daismydog wrote even actions that seem inconsequential have affected some children deeply.So much so that they cannot live normally like lots of children. My child was special, very sensitive. I did not recognise this . I understood all this after it was too late. I know I did nothing wantedly. The psychiatrist I went to for a short while explained that to me. It is not possible for me to disown the responsibility of how difficult my daughters life was. Yes most of the choices she made in her life were hers. Some of them were wrong. I know that also. But I still feel responsible.

I don't feel bad about her having gotten angry and blamed the cause of all her problems on me and my husband. What I feel so bad and horribly sad is that she was not able to control her mind and that she suffered so much that at one point she decided she could not anymore. Could I have prevented that? I do not know.
I feel I should have tried harder. When she was feeling so horrible and being verbally or physically abusive I should have just hugged her tight and told her -it's okay I love you! We will get through this together. Would I done it? No. I would have been just been so angry that I would have wanted to get away from her. So you see, this is why I feel so guilty. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Hopefully with time my sorrow and guilt will lessen.

Golda, I am so glad that my post made a difference on a difficult day with your child. Posting on this site helped me get through a really difficult day. If I have helped someone with this post, I am truely glad as I know the pain and difficulty all parents face with their children.


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lostinhurt

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« Reply #25 on: January 22, 2017, 11:58:38 PM »

Don't blame yourself. I'm sure it is a horrific pain and heartbreak you are dealing with. I have gone through it with a friend. His mom is still dealing with it 15 years later. There is no answer. But there is hope. Let those reaching out to you in. Use that as a crutch. It's not the same. Be there for them and let them be there for you. I wish you the best and you are in my heart. Remember that you are a great mom. No matter what.
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Fie
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« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2017, 02:11:28 PM »

Excerpt
I am a mother who is responsible for how my child turned out.

I don't agree with you at all.
You are responsible for yourself, she was responsible for herself. You were there for her during her life, to guide her on her way. Nothing less but also nothing more.


Besides that, you didn't KNOW about her condition. How can you be responsible for something that you were not even aware of ? There is a saying on these boards here that is repeated a lot, and for a reason : 'you don't know what you don't know.'

If you think you are responsible, then also all of the people in your surrounding are responsible. They could have done something. They could have at least told you. Schoolteachers, neighbors, your husband, your doctor, people who accidentally saw your daughter behave oddly, parents of her friends, her friends, colleagues, name it.  Maybe the people on these boards too ? Including me ? We could have told you. We could have sent a letter to every household in the whole world, saying : "listen, if you have a child, be sure to not ever raise your voice to it, be sure to not ever push it away even when you are so tired yourself, be sure to always walk on eggshells around it, because there is something called BPD and who knows, maybe your child will develop it ! And well, even if you do all that, maybe it will develop it anyway because it's genetic, but anyway, now you know."

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heartandwhole
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« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2017, 04:23:21 PM »

Rkmom,

My heart goes out to you. The loss you are suffering is so profound. I want you to know that we are here for you, listening and wrapping our virtual arms around you. 

At such a time, it's natural to question our actions, and to replay in our thoughts alternative ways to have reacted. Grieving is such a deep process. It doesn't always make sense or follow a recognizable pattern.

I'm glad that you have supportive friends and family. Keep leaning on them, and on us. Come here anytime and share your feelings and thoughts, no matter what kind of day you are having.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2017, 08:25:32 PM »

Rkmom,

First a warm hug to just hold you for a minute or two.   I'm sad with you and cannot begin to comprehend your loss or the emotions you are feeling... .or sometimes those you are not feeling due to all the numbness inside of you. I can understand that much at least from having lost both of my parents within a few years. It is not the same as what you are going through to be sure. It stinks horribly the way our hearts and spirits are so weighed down from grief, like bricks are placed upon our chests and we can hardly breathe.

I took a class about grief to help me. I cried a lot through the meetings, and I cried with the others who were there too as they shared their stories of grief. One gal's best fried died from suicide, and she struggled just like you are and asked so many of the same questions. 

It is okay that you are where you are right now. I will just be with you and listen, whether you talk or want to cry or cannot even say a word. We'll go through your pain with you.

 
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
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« Reply #29 on: January 24, 2017, 01:40:13 AM »

I want to echo what the others said ... .Please come here often, even if it is just to say not really something at all, because I can imagine sometimes you just feel terribly sad and don't even have anything to say.

Please know that I think about you often. 
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