Wife Confusing behavior with possible divorce Proceedings. Need Advice.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i 1000% believe my wife has BPD

1) silent treatments
2) abandonment issues/ fear
3) clingy
4) push/ pull behavior
5) father left her (age 12)
6) mother appears to be borderline as well (witch type)
7) abandoned me while pregnant thinking i will leave her first
8) got with replacement 2-3week after sending me to jail (infidelity shattered my soul)
9) false police accusations/ arrest (falsely accused me of beating/ wanting to kill her, (got very serious misdemeanor/ felony charges)
10) intense smear campaign
11) never admitting fault, says even cheating is my fault cause i insulted her
12) wont let me see children
13) permanent silence ever since she left me.
14) gaslighting
15) accusing me of affairs (not true)


We had a beautiful marriage for last 7 years. She was very polite, had great first 6 years, there were few red flags silent treatments, hyper sensitive, wouldnt let me out the house. I think her illness was dormant most of the marriage. The first time she sent me to jail 7months ago cause i told her i would divorce her due to her up/down behavior, i think something somewhere got triggered. She was never the same person after that, cause she kept trying to cover the shame of sending me to jail by falsely accusing me of domestic violence to her family. Due to my cases, i cant contact her due to no contact. Her mom is in contact with her, she wont tell her mom straight, if she wants divorce or not, nor the mom would tell me. Mom blames everything for me for infidelity that i was uncaring, jobless etc etc, lot of BS.

So she got with my replacement which made me a broken man, i didn't see it coming. I was extremely hurt, we had 3 kids and she was pregnant. My family reached out to her on texts/phone, so far no responses, along with her own family trying to salvage the marriage.  After she sent me to jail 4months, ago, she went silent, start living with replacement and moved in with my kids (Some loser she met online) with kids. very risky behavior.

Here is what i need help with.

1) when my sister text her, saying look, do u want a divorce, she dont say Yes or NO. she dont want to talk about it, she keep saying its between me and your brother
2) when spoken to the replacement, she told him she cant wait to get a divorce
3) at one point she was in talking terms with my sister, and kept on saying how she "didnt want a divorce" and wanted to reconsile but since has dissapeared and moved in with the other guy (confusing)...

what kind of games is being played here? i would love to save her and bring her back for the sake of kids but she hasnt shown anything that she is interested in saving this marriage. some people are questioning the pregnancy, since she is sleeping with the guy, people are asking me if the baby is mine, and i can tell them, i dont know anymore

Why would BPD would send mxied signals like that. Does she wants a divorce or not? i dont understand the game. I love her to death, she didnt even send me a simple high in last 4months. she acts like last 7 years never happened. We only had arguments last year in 2016. she was very withdrawn, the whole year, constantly on texts, we had sex, but there was no hand holding, kissing, hugging etc. My only guess is that she been talking to the replacement for quite some time, but i can be wrong, its just a theory, and maybe she was detaching the whole time.

How would you guys take her actions of telling my family she dont want divorce, but yet telling the replacement she cant wait? She could be worried about the legal cases she might have against me, if its going in her favor or mine?, who knows. im confused

[icesoul]

i 1000% believe my wife has BPD

1) silent treatments
2) abandonment issues/ fear
3) clingy
4) push/ pull behavior
5) father left her (age 12)
6) mother appears to be borderline as well (witch type)
7) abandoned me while pregnant thinking i will leave her first
8) got with replacement 2-3week after sending me to jail (infidelity shattered my soul)
9) false police accusations/ arrest (falsely accused me of beating/ wanting to kill her, (got very serious misdemeanor/ felony charges)
10) intense smear campaign
11) never admitting fault, says even cheating is my fault cause i insulted her
12) wont let me see children
13) permanent silence ever since she left me.
14) gaslighting
15) accusing me of affairs (not true)


We had a beautiful marriage for last 7 years. She was very polite, had great first 6 years, there were few red flags silent treatments, hyper sensitive, wouldnt let me out the house. I think her illness was dormant most of the marriage. The first time she sent me to jail 7months ago cause i told her i would divorce her due to her up/down behavior, i think something somewhere got triggered. She was never the same person after that, cause she kept trying to cover the shame of sending me to jail by falsely accusing me of domestic violence to her family. Due to my cases, i cant contact her due to no contact. Her mom is in contact with her, she wont tell her mom straight, if she wants divorce or not, nor the mom would tell me. Mom blames everything for me for infidelity that i was uncaring, jobless etc etc, lot of BS.

So she got with my replacement which made me a broken man, i didn't see it coming. I was extremely hurt, we had 3 kids and she was pregnant. My family reached out to her on texts/phone, so far no responses, along with her own family trying to salvage the marriage.  After she sent me to jail 4months, ago, she went silent, start living with replacement and moved in with my kids (Some loser she met online) with kids. very risky behavior.

Here is what i need help with.

1) when my sister text her, saying look, do u want a divorce, she dont say Yes or NO. she dont want to talk about it, she keep saying its between me and your brother
2) when spoken to the replacement, she told him she cant wait to get a divorce
3) at one point she was in talking terms with my sister, and kept on saying how she "didnt want a divorce" and wanted to reconsile but since has dissapeared and moved in with the other guy (confusing)...

what kind of games is being played here? i would love to save her and bring her back for the sake of kids but she hasnt shown anything that she is interested in saving this marriage. some people are questioning the pregnancy, since she is sleeping with the guy, people are asking me if the baby is mine, and i can tell them, i dont know anymore

Why would BPD would send mxied signals like that. Does she wants a divorce or not? i dont understand the game. I love her to death, she didnt even send me a simple high in last 4months. she acts like last 7 years never happened. We only had arguments last year in 2016. she was very withdrawn, the whole year, constantly on texts, we had sex, but there was no hand holding, kissing, hugging etc. My only guess is that she been talking to the replacement for quite some time, but i can be wrong, its just a theory, and maybe she was detaching the whole time.

How would you guys take her actions of telling my family she dont want divorce, but yet telling the replacement she cant wait? She could be worried about the legal cases she might have against me, if its going in her favor or mine?, who knows. im confused

[livednlearned]

Wow, I'm so sorry that the false allegations stuck  

She sounds very dysregulated, maybe telling whomever she is talking to what they want to hear. People with BPD don't have a sense of self in the same way a non-BPD person does. It's more chameleon-like.

She is getting her needs met in the moment and probably not thinking much further than that.

Do you want the divorce?

[formflier]

Hang in there icesoul!  I also and very sorry about the situation.

Have the charges been to court... .as in been decided or are you still awaiting trial?  :)o you have a L (lawyer)?


Couple big things.

Can you ask those in your family to STOP reaching out to communicate on your behalf?  

What are the legal restrictions on you?  Can you send US Mail to her?  Email?  

Big picture:  If she wants a divorce, in most (if not all) states in the US, she can get one with or without you.

Since you are all to aware of confusing BPD signals, you are also aware she can tell you she is coming back to you... .and then divorce you.  She could also tell you she is sending you divorce papers tomorrow... .and then knock on your front door demanding sex and wondering why you haven't contact her.

Please focus on what she has done... .not what she has said.  Even then... .count on it to be confusing.

Big question:  What do you want?

We can help you from there.

FF

[icesoul]

Wow, I'm so sorry that the false allegations stuck  
She sounds very dysregulated, maybe telling whomever she is talking to what they want to hear. People with BPD don't have a sense of self in the same way a non-BPD person does. It's more chameleon-like.

She is getting her needs met in the moment and probably not thinking much further than that.

Do you want the divorce?

yea false allegations was horrible (1st arrest= she cut her face saying i beat her... .2nd= she said ill stab her if she testify (felony)... i did record her the 2nd time so a lot of it is on audio, she is not going to win that easily but there has a lot of money lost over this.

you are dead on, she is completely dysregulated. are most ppl w/ BPD always like this? or only when theyre triggered? like you said, she definitely dont seem like she have sense of self. for example, she knows my sister is religious, so she told my sister she started praying. her mom (also borderline) has obsession with having a job, she would tell her this guy (me) never worked. its weird she dont say my name anymore, she rerrers to me as "this man". she says whatever to make me look bad and get people on her side.

again you are right, her needs a currently met, cause the guy got her a place to stay... .he is not gona leave her that easily cause she is drop dead gorgeous, cooks and clean and very sexual, so he enjoying his time and putting work in the relationship... .she only been in the country for 5 years, and she moved to the "ghetto". all her family and my family are still in extreme shock with whats going on? cause in our culture its a big disgrace if women are having sex out of marriage. my family has no idea what BPD is, and when i tell them, they think im just saying that to cover her behavior.

 during her disappearance in last 4 months, she only contacted my sister once once she needed food, money and was struggling and didnt have a place to stay back then. thats when she was showing the "reconciliation" games. i thinks he was playing a victim for the replacement so he can get her a place to stay ASAP and finally she succeeded and moved on. they dont hvae to worry about kids expense, she gettin free food stamps money. the loser boyfriend probably eating for free at home.

another shocking behavior is that she post very casual pictures of having her affair online. forget about my family, her family was sickened and was worried about her, like whats wrong with her? she has been writing over the top sexual comments on this guy facebook page. he seems like a pervert, all he posts about is sex. i guess the sexual stuff shes mirroring the replacement? or she is a sex addict and trying to win him that way. her own family is saying she is acting worst than a prostitute, they are upset that she is a mother, wife, sister and her behavior is out of line. she even change her style of how she talks, she is using a lot more slang.  its worrying, he take pictures with the kids, and she calls him "daddy and daughter". what the heck? 

your last question, do i want a divorce? yes and no. if she comes back now. i would most likely take her back but i dont see no signs from her slowing down right now.  i waited for 4 months and now its getting out of hands. reading her sexual comments for replacement were quite disturbing and she is 7 months pregnant. at this point. i might just give up and file. i have 4 kids so i didnt want to give them a broken home but this girl is pushing it. another thing that was stopping me from filing is that in state of texas, you have to wait till the mom gives birth before the divorce is finalized. also i have 2 false cases, i dont want to give her any leverage in the family court.

[icesoul]

Hang in there icesoul!  I also and very sorry about the situation.


FF

thank you friend for explaining this stuff, its very helpful.

to answer your question, i had 4 court appearances so far for new charge. we havent set it up for trial yet, im sure my lawyer is working on getting it dismissed. i have a very good lawyer (ex chief prosecutor for last 12 years).

to answer your questions,
1) Can you ask those in your family to STOP reaching out to communicate on your behalf?  

see what happened, when she reached out to my family for help, during her disappearance. they drove 2 hours away, got her food, clothes for kids and for herself and took her out to eat. she kept a poker face (no guilt, remorse, shame for her actions). the replacement was sitting, where she was staying, when they went to go pick her up and she had no shame trying to hide it.  they asked her are you thinking about divorce about 8 times, she go "no", why would i be here or talking to you guys. she said she wanted to write a "letter of non prosecution" like last time whatever it takes to save marriage.

she told them she is ready to leave, and my family told her how to get out, not notify the guy and just leave, she agreed. she said she needed 2 weeks... she was texting them, and being very thankful and even calling them. she asked to speak to me but i "refused" cause i wasnt sure she was going to try recording me and will send it to the prosecutors. cause in past, she did tell me that she records certain things. so i wasnt sure if she was recording the conversations when she would have a talk with my family over the phone

so after 2-3 days of talking normally to my family, she suddenly texted, please dont text me right now, if this guy (replacement) calls, please dont answer, and please dont text. which was weird cause she didnt seem to have a problem texting in front of him before when she met my family. 2 days go by, my family got a little worried and texted her are you ok? prooced to send more texts (bad idea?) anyway,. no answer from her. a week go by, and gota accidental call from her phone that went to voicemail, sounded like they were lightweight arguing, my family sent the police over there to do a well fare check. i am guessing that may have triggered her further, im speculating its possible she might be in fear, that since she put me in jail, my family might want to do the same to her, which isnt the case.

few days later, she posted pictures wiht him kissing him, she blocked me from her facebook page, i guess to let us know she is upset.  when my family saw those pictures, they were upset, they texted her, you promised us that you would stopped your infidelity and not do this. maybe she felt attacked or whatever, immediately her texts started coming, how your baby brother (me, again she dont refer me by name), is a bad person, he screwed around behind my back (not true), hes abusive (not true) blah blah blah. my sis was like do you want a divorce? and she got even more upset, but refused to answer. it went all south from there, they are not in talking terms my sister this time didnt hold back either and told her she can have the loser boyfriend,t hey deserve each other. my sister also asked her whose baby is it? she got mad and wouldnt respond, so it went all bad.

2) What are the legal restrictions on you?  Can you send US Mail to her?  Email?  

no contact, no direct or indirect contact, email nothing but i doubt she speak with me. cause i tried asking her mom, what does she wants. i told the mom, dont worry, nobody would mistreat her upon coming back. all she tells mom is that, its between me and him(me). she wont give her straight answer. she even takes mom in a circular conversation, look at what this guy put me through in last 6 years, but simply wont answer whats she wants to do, unless the mom is hiding her plans cause the mom is compulsive liar too.

3) Big picture:  If she wants a divorce, in most (if not all) states in the US, she can get one with or without you.

im sure, she can, maybe she waiting to file so she do it before i do so it makes her feel better. who knows. atleast what the replacement told me is that she cant wait to file. she definitely got her hooks in deep on the replacement, he thinks he is saving some DV victim and wants be the rescuer. as far as looks, she is Knockout, he knows too well she is out of his league, thats why he is willing to put up with 4 kids.  it is strange enough he is sleeping with a pregnant woman.

4)  Since you are all to aware of confusing BPD signals, you are also aware she can tell you she is coming back to you... .and then divorce you.  She could also tell you she is sending you divorce papers tomorrow... .and then knock on your front door demanding sex and wondering why you haven't contact her.

the behavior can be that unpredictable and bad. wow? she was never been that out of it before except the last 2 weeks of discard, she was devaluing me and was going nutz, (Cursing, harassing, suicide threats, hating me). im not sure how she has changed since then, her personality seems real different like i dont even know her anymore. she definitely under a lot of duress cause her facebook infedility pictures were exposed to all her family members but why she posted it herself is a mystery. cause she knows dam well her conservative family would never approve of such relationship. she is now at a dead end. hopefully she realize this is guy is not a permanent solution or maybe she dont care. it appears that she is in early idealization infatuation stages with him.

you saying, she might show up out of nowhere, might also be right. she did ask my sister few times, do i live in the same place? maybe she did wanted to return at some point, who knows? but i moved in with my sister temporarily so that door was closed... my sister did offer her a place to stay to get away from that guy, it almost sounded like she wanted too. she even one time on the phone with my sister, gave a half a** apology on speakerphone, like forget about what happened. we have kids and we should look at the future... maybe it was sincere she wanted to return, or maybe the next day she felt different. she keeps me guessing.

5)  Please focus on what she has done... .not what she has said.  Even then... .count on it to be confusing.

from her actions, its very hard to figure out. only person she told about the divorce so far is the replacement. i think she felt violated when we were living together, she found out i was recording her cause she was harassing me daily about how she would send me to jail. and im not perfect either, i have my flaws, i constantly said abandonment things, that shouldn't have been said. like she would say, im leaving, i would say, get lost, or she would are you gona leave me if i am having an abortion are you going to leave me? id say "yes". i was under a lot of pressure and have my own flaws, lack of sleep, dealing with kids, she was triggering my worst behavior, limited to verbal counterattacks. she got so upset, she went to bathroom with a knife and said she woudl kill herself and blame it on me... .she was just out of her mind towards the last 2 weeks before she left me.

6) Big question:  What do you want?

if she comes now, i would accept her in a heartbeat due to the fact, we have 4kids and its not gona be easy raising them alone. she has a replacement thats helping her right now, i dont. and he is probably goign to get tired of it too cause raising 4 kids isnt no joke but so far replacement is doing an ok job. deep down, im not sure how the infidelity is going to effect me, cause it broke me down as a man. its been 4 months and i still hurt till this day.

i dont know to get her back should i cut all contact? through the mom, and my family has already cut all contact with her from the texts. is "no contact" the best approach... should i block her on social media?  i dont think by blocking her is gona trigger anything cause she has a replacement. one time she cut her mom out of her life for 3 years, so she can be very cold and distant. she seems more like a BPD + a narcissist.

BUT if she continues this over the top sexual behavior, and disrespecting the whole marriage with no morals, limits, and boundaries, i might just pull the trigger and go for divorce. im just debating, if i should or not. i already waited 4 months and now its getting the point is that i dont want to keep getting played and wait here like romeo, hoping she returns. my family are looking at me like you should have some self respect, the girl wants you away from her and here you are suffering and missing while she is out there living it up. so im not sure.


We can help you from there.

FF
[/quote]

[livednlearned]

Hey icesoul,

One thing to keep in mind is your safety.

I would start with that, and make it your priority.

She is probably too dysregulated to follow through on divorce right now. Even if she found a lawyer, came up with the retainer, filed for divorce, she could still be riding the roller coaster and not follow through. And with her being BPD, there is a good chance she will find her married status useful, to keep some emotional distance from the other man.

It's hard to say.

It's easy to get overwhelmed in these situations and try to cling to some sense of normalcy, but what you're going through right now is in no way normal.

What does your lawyer (for the criminal charges) say about staying married to her?

[icesoul]

Hey icesoul,

One thing to keep in mind is your safety.  I would start with that, and make it your priority.

She is probably too dysregulated to follow through on divorce right now. Even if she found a lawyer, came up with the retainer, filed for divorce, she could still be riding the roller coaster and not follow through. And with her being BPD, there is a good chance she will find her married status useful, to keep some emotional distance from the other man.

It's hard to say.

It's easy to get overwhelmed in these situations and try to cling to some sense of normalcy, but what you're going through right now is in no way normal.

What does your lawyer (for the criminal charges) say about staying married to her?

this whole thing is a circus bro. the replacement she moved in with (different race, different lang, different culture, different religion). it makes no sense to her own family, most disowned her by the way. everyone is concerned for the kids, she wont let me see them. the replacement is a 24year old idiot who wants to play daddy just to get in the sack. im sure, he worked the online games for a while cause i seen his posts posted 7 months back talking about "how u shouldn't stay in marriage for sake of kids if ur not happy" some crap like that, evil ass. but then i think, can i really blame him? its her actions.

safety as far as legally? yea i need to be careful. as much as she wanted to talk to me on the phone or text when she had contact with my sister, i couldnt take that chance as much as i wanted too. the law is so screwed, they should of at least allowed phone contact, none of this would of happened, i would of sweet talked her back. the law dont understand, alot of these people that are filing these complaints might have mental issues. she has put me in jail twice, and next time, were looking at a year prison time so no way, next bail would be 5k.

i doubt she would have money to retain a lawyer, i sure hope not, the kids are not safe with her, i want to win 100% custody. she has not idea how the law works. she couldnt even apply to get simple medicad, or food stamps. luckily i gota call from the social services and i told them the kids are with her so the food stamp did get transferred over. she is a very dependent person. she worked at a subway for 1 month, im sure she loss that job too... the kids were living in one room apartment, the guy got her living at a friends place initially. she is leaving kids to strangers to babysit. its a big mess...

to keep emotional distance from other man in terms of still being married, is that good or bad? im not even sure if she has any emotional attachment to me anymore, why else would she put me through so much pain. she is looking to destroy me, cause some how she feels abandoned, violated, or betrayed. i did say few things cause my feelings were hurt, cause she kept harassing me with police. im no a co-dependent type, i let her have it verbally, when i had to put her in check, but she would take me circular arguments. i dont hold back with my tongue which i regret now, cause i didn't know all of this mess was coming. i should of instead dealt with it calm mind. but at that time i didn't know too much about borderline personality. i knew somewhat cause i been searching for answers on the net for a while but i didnt know how they can cheat, when they about to leave you. i dont know why the hell she is not leaving him, she doesn't care she has 4 kids, who need their father. she is putting her feelings for him about the kids.

initially, she had friends and family believing that i beat her, when everybody seen the pictures of the replacement, the knew from that point on that she was framing me for another man, nobody believes her anymore except 4-5 family members and her mom, who are just as dysfunctional as her.

yes man, the whole thing is a mind F##k.     she is dead silent,  she can reach out to me if she wanted to through social media, and everything. she is just enjoying her time with him right now.  its something new for her, who knows whats going on in her head at this point. i never know she was this promiscuous. her whole family is calling her worst than a prostitute, due to lack of morals being with another guy & being pregnant and her sexually explicit comments for him online.  not something i like to hear about a baby-mother but its reality.

being married to her doesn't matter to my lawyer, i mean my lawyer is a criminal lawyer so he is only focused on DV. the divorce and everything else is a civil matter which will be fought in family court. they might have provided her with a lawyer with criminal allegations, but i doubt they would provide her one with divorce, they might. the laws are absurd. they arrest you without any proof.

i agree, the whole thing is not normal. her behavior seems a bit more than borderline. to me she is acting like a complete psychopath.  before leaving me, she till me stuff like "ill make you suffer to see the kids"or stuff like "you think you can give me 3 kids and leave me, i will destroy your life" which is weird cause it was actually her that was pushing me away but i guess thats where the illness comes in... or maybe she was just detaching the whole time because she had this guy as a backup plan. whats even more absurd is that, 2 days before my last arrest, she reached out to another family member overseas, wanting to marry her brother who is single. her cousin was like are you crazy? u have 4 kids, my brother cant marry you plus u have a family... so it seemed like she just picked this guy who she was probably talking too online and just ran with it. thats pathetic. her mom claims she met him after leaving me, its hard to believe it.

[icesoul]

if i had any chance of talking to her. maybe just maybe, i could have convinced her to comeback but at this point, her personality is so unpredictable, im not sure who she is anymore or maybe she is really done with this relationship before she left. maybe when she left she didnt planned on coming back so she is acting like were not married anymore and out there living with a guy.

she obviously knows, too much damaged has been done here and its probably not reversible. this is the first time she cheated, and thats a major deal breaker. she knows im the type that doesnt let go of things too easily and hang on to it. but if she was to come back, i will try to never discuss that again or atleast make me promise she wont do it again and promise to get therapy but i dont see it happening so far cause i havent seen attempts to re-engage.

 too much time has gone by like 4 months and she has been very super silent. maybe she worried about the case? who knows. what im worried about is that she will be getting more and more attached to him as more time is passes by, now she is comfortable living with the guy. they are living as a couple. its very hurtful for me cause we still have a bond thats not broken yet (marriage). regardless, she knows she can survive without me. its very sad, not fair to my kids and me... .if she would of divorced and left, atleast i would of prepared myself to move on. im like stuck in the limbo.

nobody in my family wants her back because they are all looking at her as this gutter trash, but i dont care what my family thinks, i still loved her and realize she might be ill. they said, just save your kids and cut your losses. but its not easy to just turn your back on someone you loved for 7 yeras and just simply walk away. i would only want her back if she has any feelings left for me but my family say if she truly loved me, should of not put me through this hell in the first place. if she really like this replacement, i cant force her to love me and return. but she wont answer, or tell her mom who she wants to live with.

i read from some ladies with BPDS that once they are done, they are truly done and they are lacking something with replacement. and hardly come back, especially when they have moved on with new guy... .this new guy going to be on a good behavior for a while. like i said, she is a drop dead gorgeous girl who is well mannered, cooks, clean which is hard to find, he is not going to give her up that easily. its hard to tell whats on her mind.

when i talked to her replacement, he said, she was waiting for the divorce and stuff, and when i told him she was asking for reconciliation and didnt want divorce, he seemed confused. few minutes later i called her mom, her mom said, that my wife called her too and said "well now he (replacement) knows things that he didnt know previously". whatever that means.  i asked the mom, what was her reaction. she said nothing, she just said it straight tone without any emotion.

i said, can you ask her simple, is this over? she said, we dont talk about that? i was like what you mean, since we dont have a line of communication. atleast give me some closure, the mom go, know all she said is how you been a bad husband and what she put up with in the last 7 years. its driving me nuts .

its also possible, that she knows that i check the guys facebook page, and writing all this stuff to make me jealous. she wants to punish me, i think like "look what you lost"... maybe its not intentional? but she is no remorse to what it would do to her spouse. that so cold hearted or black hearted. reading stuff like that is painful for me but after 4 months, i slowly learned to cope and its not as painful as the first time.

[formflier]

My wife has screwed around in my business affairs, to include some legal proceedings... .it certainly has cost me a bunch more money.  Legal proceedings are still going... .it would appear her actions really haven't hurt our case... .but it's not over.

I have really tight boundaries on information and don't discuss the legal case anymore.  Things are much better that way.

I feel for you man.  I can tell you care for her... .and care for your family.  You are looking to figure out a way to make it all work.  Perhaps there is a way... .time will tell.

Some hard truths that I would hope you can consider.

1.  For now, your only mission is life is to clear the charge.  No deals... .don't plead to anything reduced.  They have to be gone.  Otherwise, you will be at a HUGE strategic disadvantage in the future.

2.  If there is anyway your lawyer can push the recording about false allegation, I would do that.  Somehow that needs to be in the official record.  Please talk to your lawyer about this.

3.  You need a support system to help you sort out your feelings and decisions while you are waiting on the court case to be over.  Have you ever seen a therapist?  Interested in seeing one?

FF

[icesoul]

I have very tight boundaries too. and i didnt budge unless she had a very good reason, she couldnt have adult like communications., maybe thats why she started to feel engulfed. i didn't realize what exactly i was dealing with at the time. i thought she was just different or unique, didnt know about the illness. this year i started looking for answers on the net and i kept running into borderline personality and everything matched 100%. the only symptom that was missing is impulsive risky sex, which haven't happened of-course, never thought in million years she would do that to hurt me, but she surpassed it all when it comes to boundaries or limits. i didnt think pregnant woman would do that.

only time i didnt keep strong boundaries is wanting her back and leaving that door open. its possible she could look at all this thinking i would take her back anytime. im possibly appearing to her as an enabler. her mom and family and friends kept in touch cause they all want her to return. they all tried to talk some sense into her and were shocked by her strange behavior but she was very uncooperative. she kept telling these people how i was really abusive to distract them what was really going on. they kept telling her to return home to my family but she refused so far and continue to move in with this joker. i guess she doesnt to appear that she made a mistake.

some of her friends knew her in college and her odd behavior. they were saying, how happy they were once, she got married, hoping she would get more stable, which she did initially,  she appeared pretty happy for first 6 years, always told her friends and family she was happy... now that she has painted me black, she keeps telling everyone how miserable she was throughout the marriage and she tried very hard to put up with me and that i was arrogant and stubborn.

were you telling me u dont discuss your legal case? or were you advising me?. i know where you coming from. its risky business. my life is on the line here. these cases are no joke. my freedom is at risk, but hopefully, they see how stupid these cases are.

no doubt. i loved this girl to death. i worshiped the ground she walked on but she is doing some bad things. like moving in with strangers with my kids. this marriage is on the verge to be completely over, i have to pick the kids first cause they are innocent. if she really cared wanting to make things, she wouldnt continue living with this guy. but am i asking way too much from a person that might not be normal? i forgot to mention she even threw CPS in the mix, portraying me as a demon, she is really playing with FIRE there. She used to tell me, in this country women have too many rights, you cant do nothing to do. unfortunately she is right, she is really abusing the system.  

My wife has screwed around in my business affairs, to include some legal proceedings... .it certainly has cost me a bunch more money.  Legal proceedings are still going... .it would appear her actions really haven't hurt our case... .but it's not over.

I have really tight boundaries on information and don't discuss the legal case anymore.  Things are much better that way.

I feel for you man.  I can tell you care for her... .and care for your family.  You are looking to figure out a way to make it all work.  Perhaps there is a way... .time will tell.

Some hard truths that I would hope you can consider.

1.  For now, your only mission is life is to clear the charge.  No deals... .don't plead to anything reduced.  They have to be gone.  Otherwise, you will be at a HUGE strategic disadvantage in the future.

oh yea, im fighting this all the way. not taking any deals or pleas. i gota great lawyer. im not going to mess up my record for her. i always had a clean record.

2.  If there is anyway your lawyer can push the recording about false allegation, I would do that.  Somehow that needs to be in the official record.  Please talk to your lawyer about this.

during this mess she created, on one ocassion, she called the police cause she put self inflicted injuries on her finger/hands in the kitchen. when police took a report, i did inform them i been recording her so that's definitely on official records. the prosecutor going to know about it sooner or later that such recordings do exist. however it would be pain in the butt and would cost money to get them translated to English.

3.  You need a support system to help you sort out your feelings and decisions while you are waiting on the court case to be over.  Have you ever seen a therapist?  Interested in seeing one?

im staying with my family, they been helpful. i been to a therapist already. i was suffering a lot with infedility and stuff, i had neightmares and wasnt sleeping well so it was helpful.

FF

[icesoul]

so whats the best way to get her back this time. whats everyone advice is the best course? or she is never going to realize it unless she runs out on supply on the new person? that is not happening, he is treating her good so far.

1) file divorce? to give her a wake up call?
2) i blocked her on all social media (just to let her know that this is about to end) not sure if she checks
3) remain no contact (her mom, herself) ?

she refuse to leave the replacement nor she tells her mom she wants a divorce and since its been 4 months, im starting to give up... this is so bad, how are we gona raise 4 children on our own, the girl has lost her marbles.

she has no respect for marriage, sleeping while pregnant, or am i expecting too much from an ill  person. this is disguisting, she should of atleast got a divorce first. i had my flaws in marriage and im only human, but this is no way to hurt your partner in this fashion. its just brutal.

[formflier]

The best way to get her back is to win the court case.

Then... .

Make wise decisions about the future of your life, realizing that she may not make wise choices about her future.

Seriously though... .the court case is really " all that matters... ." for the moment. 

I can imagine that is not the answer you wanted to hear.

Thoughts?

FF

[icesoul]

honestly, im not worried about court cases im confident i will beat it. i have very good evidence (audio, police reports along others)... however it has severe consequences if i lose (prison time).  i am fighting that regardless, if they want to take it trial, ill gladly go.the weirdest thing is the no contact. since i cant talk to her directly, she is dodging all the answers. but i doubt even if i can get no contact lifted, i doubt she will speak, cause she could of made some efforts to return, if she wanted too.

as far as marriage, maybe i should just accept the fact she has moved on and let it go. you cant make someone love you especially if their actions are showing she wants nothing to do with me. its obvious, she was posting pictures of her with him on social media. she wants to be let it known, she has moved on and maybe i should take the hint? atleast thats what my family says.

my family said that if she loved you she would of never punished you like this and she is running away from you cause she hates you. im going to be honest here, i have my flaws, i was not the easiest person in marriage, i was also difficult and stubborn, i did kind of push her on certain things, i didnt respect her wishes on things like having more kids or harassed her with divorce. i did a lot of stuff to damage and hurt that relationship as well, i admit it.

but i still think to walk away from 7 years of marriage and 4 kids are insane. nobody is perfect. however, sometimes i wonder, if i just want her back just to win her back nothing more. it might never be the same, im not sure if i can get over the fact she has cheated. and another problem would be the guy, knowing he can get her back anytime. she has done it once, how difficult can it be to do it again? correct me if im wrong, i might be enabling that behavior by bringin her back. maybe im asking for more trouble in the future. honestly i dont have answers to my own questions...

it brings me back to square one, 4 kids, that will be so difficult to raise them. she is looking at this clown as a long term solution. even if the guy likes her now, he only 24, does she really thinks he is going to raise those children, he is just doing that right now to keep her happy and get some... anyway its been 4 months, should i just take the hint, that love is not there anymore. the only thing that still confuses me that she never wanted to discuss divorce with my family yet she is discussing it with the replacement.

but first priority right now is the children, im have to file some sort of custody order cause she wont let me see them. what is all that about? she knows i love the kids.

The best way to get her back is to win the court case.

Then... .

Make wise decisions about the future of your life, realizing that she may not make wise choices about her future.

Seriously though... .the court case is really " all that matters... ." for the moment.  

I can imagine that is not the answer you wanted to hear.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

I get it these are stressful times.  Let me try to to explain another way.

Right now... .legally the best way to get your wife back is to win court case and get the NC rules removed.  Said another way... .the best way is to wait. 

Waiting sucks... really really bad. 

This begs the question of what is best thing to do in the meantime.

1.  Be kind to yourself.
2.  Whatever you can do to focus on other things
3.  Hopefully learn more about this disorder called BPD that you face.

The truth is that the "facts on the ground" will likely change many times before the court case is done.  Once court is done and you are allowed to contact her, then and only then figure out best and most healthy way to go about this.

Hang in there... .there is a lot on the line and several hard truths to deal with.

FF

[icesoul]

thank you for your answers, i appreciate it.  

yea i guess i dont have a choice, i have to beat the cases first and wait it out... i have too much to lose i have too much invested (marriage, kids)

waiting SUCKS, imagine your wife start sleeping with someone else, i dont know about other guys, but im not built for this infidelity stuff. i trusted her never to do that, that's soul shattering pain which pushes one for divorce regardless of whats at stake here (kids)... i tried not being selfish and still trying to forget for the sake of kids but she doesnt want to slow down n return.

most of my family members immediately want me to divorce her but its not their life or decision. they are saying she is acting worst than a prostitute by being pregnant and having an affair, worst move in with a stranger with the kids, its dangerous. and she is carefree about what she is doing. her only justification is the smear campaigns that i was a bad husband avoiding the main topic, does she wants to separate or stay.

you are right though, till the case is dropped, or proceed, there is nothing i can do, it can take months, close to a year. i doubt this, but even if she decides to come at some point, i will lost a lost of respect from my family cause they said, how could you accept  woman who blatantly out there cheating and ur sitting here wanting to give her chances, they are starting to question my self esteem. some of my family initially wanted her to return, thinking she made an impulsive mistake, she had dinner with them, they give her money, clothes, food, and when she dissapeared, they were saying how untrustworthy she is. i tried to explain them about BPD but they dont believe me since she can act so normal.

she wouldn't take her facebook profile down with replacement, many more family members slowly starting to find out she is having an affair... she has it up for revenge. that stuff is looked down upon in our community. i am not worried what other people say but the fact is, if she made a mistake, and came back we could have worked on things. but now its a different, she blatantly living with him for 4 months now. she moved in with him within 2 months but was seeing him the whole time.

again thanks for your advice. like you said, there is a lot on the line, the kids. she is 25 and acting like she is 16 years old. maybe she had a nervous breakdown with all these kids 3-4 kids. we had em too fast. whatever it is, she dont give a crap about how anyone is feeling.

I get it these are stressful times.  Let me try to to explain another way.

Right now... .legally the best way to get your wife back is to win court case and get the NC rules removed.  Said another way... .the best way is to wait.  

Waiting sucks... really really bad.  

This begs the question of what is best thing to do in the meantime.

1.  Be kind to yourself.
2.  Whatever you can do to focus on other things
3.  Hopefully learn more about this disorder called BPD that you face.

The truth is that the "facts on the ground" will likely change many times before the court case is done.  Once court is done and you are allowed to contact her, then and only then figure out best and most healthy way to go about this.

Hang in there... .there is a lot on the line and several hard truths to deal with.

FF

[icesoul]

just talked to the replacement today, wanting to see the kids. he sounds like a kid 24yr old who think who can run a family, but whatever.

but he said, she is ready to sign for divorce. i said i dont care for her (not true)  and she can have it anytime. he said, she trying to serve me with divorce papers but she claims they couldnt find me (sounds like a lie)

im not sure, at this point she will either triggered, or maybe feel forced under her replacement and just sign. obviously she has made a choice and its him, not me.  i am forcing her hand at this point, cause its been damn 4 months, she better make up her mind. if its divorce she wants, then it is what it is even though the opton is so bad for kids

[formflier]

Are you allowed to speak to the replacement or to the kids?

Have you heard from your lawyer that this is or isn't ok?

FF

[icesoul]

Are you allowed to speak to the replacement or to the kids?

Have you heard from your lawyer that this is or isn't ok?

FF

yea the no contact is just with her. kids is allowed but she wont let me anyway. its not a restraining order. its more like condition of the bond. initially there was a magistrate order, which restricted me with alot more people but that has expired after 2 months

[livednlearned]

There is a member named Matt who was falsely accused of DV and went through a divorce -- he posted a lot over the years on the Family Law board. You can learn a lot reading his posts. To find his stuff, just go to the green navigation bar and click Members, then click "Search for Members," then enter Matt into the search field. When you see his name, click it, and you will come to his profile. Scroll down to "Show the last posts of this person" to see a history of his posts.

Or, for a short cut to his profile, click here.

It's important to take into account that she is not simply BPD. She is dangerous -- not all people with BPD dysregulate to the extent your wife is, and not all people with BPD weaponize the legal system.

That should probably be taken into account when you think of reconciling (if it's even possible). How many times can you afford to be in this situation

[icesoul]

There is a member named Matt who was falsely accused of DV and went through a divorce -- he posted a lot over the years on the Family Law board. You can learn a lot reading his posts. To find his stuff, just go to the green navigation bar and click Members, then click "Search for Members," then enter Matt into the search field. When you see his name, click it, and you will come to his profile. Scroll down to "Show the last posts of this person" to see a history of his posts.

Or, for a short cut to his profile, click here.

It's important to take into account that she is not simply BPD. She is dangerous -- not all people with BPD dysregulate to the extent your wife is, and not all people with BPD weaponize the legal system.

That should probably be taken into account when you think of reconciling (if it's even possible). How many times can you afford to be in this situation

ok ill look him up... .           yea im not sure what she has. She has all the symptoms of BPD. but as far her punishing me with no remorse, she almost appears like a sociopath. and she does have narcissist traits too. she is very unapologetic and non forgiving.

She is very very dangerous, i know that. she dont give a crap. when she was having a breakdown, she was saying "i will rot in jal for 2 years, my mom will die watching me rot in prison, and she will come spit on her grave" this is how ruthless she had become towards the last few weeks i was with her...

lastly, she seem completely infatuated with the replacement, i see random posts of her on facebook praising him. i doubt she is even thinking of me, doesnt appear im nowhere on her radar right now. i definitely dont see any signs.

[icesoul]

There is a member named Matt who was falsely accused of DV and went through a divorce -- he posted a lot over the years on the Family Law board. You can learn a lot reading his posts. To find his stuff, just go to the green navigation bar and click Members, then click "Search for Members," then enter Matt into the search field. When you see his name, click it, and you will come to his profile. Scroll down to "Show the last posts of this person" to see a history of his posts.

Or, for a short cut to his profile, click here.

It's important to take into account that she is not simply BPD. She is dangerous -- not all people with BPD dysregulate to the extent your wife is, and not all people with BPD weaponize the legal system.

That should probably be taken into account when you think of reconciling (if it's even possible). How many times can you afford to be in this situation

she refusing to answer anyone if she wanting divorce. she keep on saying, its between me and him (me)... its insanity.  yet she writes how she loves the replacement on his fb page every few days and write sexually explicit messages.

the mom is in denial, and always go in circular arguments if u question her behavior... im not sure if wife is just borderline or has gone completely mad! she never behaved this way before openly where she knows family read this stuff, and now she is acting like a private s@@t for the replacement, its sad, she is the mother of 4.

its really weird, the mom (possible witch borderline) doesnt sound happy why i talked to replacement, i was like just cause the guy lets me speak to my kids. she was like why are u asking for my help? u should speak to the guy... u cant win with these 2

[formflier]

 
It is critical that you, your family and friends STOP discussing divorce... .especially with your pwBPD.

Just stop.

It's like playing with fire... .or better yet... .it's like playing with dynamite while sitting next to a fire.

No good will come of it.

FF

[icesoul]

ur 100% right, it appears that way.

i dont understand the behavior at all, no matter how crazy she has become lately without any respect to our marriage and kids. blatantly disrespect a marriage on social media, yet dont want divorce. liking the guys, pregnancy posts, when the baby is not even his. what the heck is this world coming too.

she has destroyed me enough, she cant do much more damage cause my soul has already sufered enough, i been through all of the worst things in life being with her (infidelity, jail trips, hate campaigns)... . if she doesnt stop this behavior(appears highly unlikely), i think im ready to go our separate ways, i sacrificed enough for 4 months. she already seems too much into the replacement, its her loss, worst part, when its all over or who knows if she is even mentally capable of regret?

It is critical that you, your family and friends STOP discussing divorce... .especially with your pwBPD.

Just stop.

It's like playing with fire... .or better yet... .it's like playing with dynamite while sitting next to a fire.

No good will come of it.

FF

[formflier]

Please trust me on this.  Hopefully others can validate this through their experiences.

The only time for you to bring up the divorce word, is if YOU want to head down that road.  In that case, don't threaten... .do it.

With pwBPD divorce threats are usually NOT about getting a divorce, it's usually about expression an emotion or gaining space in a r/s... .in a highly dysfunctional way.

Of course... .once they express themselves or get space... .they can't grasp the destruction they caused in the lives of others... .

FF

[mmcnulty]

Saving yourself, and staying out of situations that get you put in jail would be what I would make STEP 1.

[icesoul]

hey formflier, 

i think i have decided to seperate, ony cause she is not slowing down with the guy, she knows better. but if there was any chance she returns today, id accept in a heartbeat due to having 4 kids life at stake, but that seems highly unlikely so far.

in your opinion, to threaten divorce, what does it do to somebody with BPD? does it make them more hostile and out of control? or can work as "wake up" call she is about to lose it all? you say, talking about divorce is about gaining space in r/s. do you think i might push her away further? in a bad way? like it would give her more of a reason to hate. 

what do you think its actually doing? if she is so much in love with replacement at the moment. it will be a while before she comes off that high. but can the divorce wake her up like what am i doing? we can only take a guess, how someone would react. its just been a guessing game with her.

Please trust me on this.  Hopefully others can validate this through their experiences.

The only time for you to bring up the divorce word, is if YOU want to head down that road.  In that case, don't threaten... .do it.

With pwBPD divorce threats are usually NOT about getting a divorce, it's usually about expression an emotion or gaining space in a r/s... .in a highly dysfunctional way.

Of course... .once they express themselves or get space... .they can't grasp the destruction they caused in the lives of others... .

FF

[icesoul]

Saving yourself, and staying out of situations that get you put in jail would be what I would make STEP 1.

i agree, my freedom is the most important for myself and kids.

[livednlearned]

How long in your process before you need to make a decision about divorce?

[icesoul]

How long in your process before you need to make a decision about divorce?

here is the deal. i am of different faith, so we have 2 divorces, 1-american court system 2- our religious divorce.

its tricky, the american one going to have to wait. cause i have few cases pending and divorce possibly might give her some leverage. i have to prove her as a liar.

religious divorce,  you can divorce someone as matter of "saying it" verbally. since i cant say it directly, u can say it to 3rd party family member. but it cant be finalized till the child is born. she is given an option, the marriage can resume if she comes back before birth but its up to the guy to accept, i can still end it.

she was freaking out before when a family member of mine recommended her "religious divorce", which like i said its only verbal. she went on attack mode instantly on texts. maybe she mistakened it for american divorce under duress.  maybe she is worried about her us citizenship status, who knows.

but what i realized, she clearly dont want to leave this guy and i guess she made her choice. so we have to do what we have to do moving forward. screw waiting on her, its been 4 months already. its just sad though cause the 4 kids deserved a better life. she decides to create this mess, its gona have a bad impact on them.

i dont condone cheating, the only reason i was going to overlook it is for the sake of kids. no doubt i love her to death but infidelity just destroys that trust and love. but now i got a look for the best interest for the kids. maybe leaving her is the best option, but like i said, i wish she could just come back but i dont see it happening cause she seems to be idealizing the replacement at the moment

[formflier]

Again... number 1 advice... .put a clamp on all divorce talk until you get your legal cases cleared.

Perhaps you can highlight her deception in some way during the process of clearing yourself.

FF