Hanging on

[md83]

We met online in a common Facebook group pertaining to our profession. We are both graduate students in the medical profession and live in different states. I was brought to this site while researching some of her behavior. Im amazed at the similarities of behavior I see on here. She definitely has some traits of BPD but is very high functioning. We've only been in a relationship for 6 months, a long distance on at that. I feel like I've been at the end of my rope so many times already. Then the I love you comes with the apologies and the reset button is pushed. I brought her to meet my family for the first on the east coast and she completely destroyed the vacation. I bought her airline ticket to go home the following day. Im so glad to have this resource!
-Mike

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi md83,

Welcome 

Are you still together, or planning to be together?

Long distance relationships can moderate the intense anxiety many people with BPD feel about emotional intimacy. Then, in person, the anxiety intensifies and she reaches for defensive strategies to provide some relief. It sounds like you have been introduced to those defensive strategies 

How are you two doing now, after the vacation ended abruptly?

Do you have plans to see each other again?

Glad you found the site too. You're not alone.

LnL

[mmcnulty]

Think long and hard about whether you want your life to center around her BPD.  It will EAT your life.

[professorplum]

Md83, what happened on the vacation?  I had some similar experiences with my BPD wife, trying to make family vacations work with my parents and sister's family, and some were ok and some were disastrous.  This was years before I understood what was going on with her. 

[Red5]

@MD83,

Many ladies whom exhibit BPD traits are expert saboteurs, its like they can not help themselves, more times than I can remember now, my w/BPD would get us hundreds of miles away from home, on a trip, and then start some kind of fight, and then what, there is no where to go, no escape, .you are trapped... .one time, we went down to Charleston to see her son and his gf, she got into a tiff with me over something completely trivial, and started stonewalling me... .even later in that evening, she acted perfectly normal around her son and his gf as we walked around downtown, and had "dinner", I am not even sure if her son and his gf even picked up on it for quite a while, .but every time she would look back at me and my son, her eyes would glare at me, very childish behavior to be sure, certainly not adult behavior... .that was a very long weekend, there were many like this over the past years (9+)... .I have made myself a new rule, and this is to not travel with her anymore... .a tough spot... .please educate yourself, this site ids very informative, learn all you can, especially before you commit completely, fill your tool box with the mental tools you need to cope, understand, and handle her behaviors, if you want to continue a relationship... .it is not easy, and I was clueless as to why until only the last couple of months... .I thought it was "me"... .that is part of the "trap"... .stay out of that trap !... .good luck !

One more quick point, these ladies seem to be able to turn this behavior on and then right back off, like changing the channel on the television... .I HATE YOU she says... .(phone rings)... ."click"... .Hi Mom!, (great big smile) yes we are fine here, how are you... .meanwhile there you stand across the room with a giant hole in your heart thinking... .what in the world !/?... .I now call this "shape-shifting"... .I think the correct term here may be "splitting"... .

[md83]

Hi md83,

Welcome 

Are you still together, or planning to be together?

Long distance relationships can moderate the intense anxiety many people with BPD feel about emotional intimacy. Then, in person, the anxiety intensifies and she reaches for defensive strategies to provide some relief. It sounds like you have been introduced to those defensive strategies 

How are you two doing now, after the vacation ended abruptly?

Do you have plans to see each other again?

Glad you found the site too. You're not alone.

LnL

Thank you. We are still together. It wasn't the first time we had been together in person but it was the first time she was meeting my family on the east coast. Ive had multiple instances where she has become extremely jealous that were completely unwarranted. Anyway, I had arrived to the east coast before my GF and had visited one of the hospitals where I had worked before grad school. I had not mentioned this to her for no other reason than I forgot. Well, the second night she arrived we went out to dinner with my sister and brother in law. It came up in conversation that I had visited the hospital. She looked directly at me and I knew what was about to happen. " Why did you go there", ":)oesn't your ex work there", "who do you think you are that you need to go make your presence around the hospital". My sister was not at the table but I could just feel my brother in law looking at us. I was so embarrassed. I explained to her that this was not where my ex worked but by that time there was no talking to her. This made me extremely upset and I got the check and said we're leaving. There was no hiding what had just happened. Two days later at my aunts house, in front of multiple family members she made another scene and that was it. I drove her to the airport. Im being patient and collecting as much info to try and make this work.

[md83]

Think long and hard about whether you want your life to center around her BPD.  It will EAT your life.

I have. Multiple times. It sucks because when things are good, they are really awesome.

[md83]

@MD83,

Many ladies whom exhibit BPD traits are expert saboteurs, its like they can not help themselves, more times than I can remember now, my w/BPD would get us hundreds of miles away from home, on a trip, and then start some kind of fight, and then what, there is no where to go, no escape, ... .you are trapped ... .one time, we went down to Charleston to see her son and his gf, she got into a tiff with me over something completely trivial, and started stonewalling me ... .even later in that evening, she acted perfectly normal around her son and his gf as we walked around downtown, and had "dinner", I am not even sure if her son and his gf even picked up on it for quite a while, ... .but every time she would look back at me and my son, her eyes would glare at me, very childish behavior to be sure, certainly not adult behavior ... .that was a very long weekend, there were many like this over the past years (9+) ... .I have made myself a new rule, and this is to not travel with her anymore ... .a tough spot ... .please educate yourself, this site ids very informative, learn all you can, especially before you commit completely, fill your tool box with the mental tools you need to cope, understand, and handle her behaviors, if you want to continue a relationship ... .it is not easy, and I was clueless as to why until only the last couple of months ... .I thought it was "me" ... .that is part of the "trap" ... .stay out of that trap ! ... .good luck !

One more quick point, these ladies seem to be able to turn this behavior on and then right back off, like changing the channel on the television ... .I HATE YOU she says ... .(phone rings) ... ."click" ... .Hi Mom!, (great big smile) yes we are fine here, how are you ... .meanwhile there you stand across the room with a giant hole in your heart thinking ... .what in the world !/? ... .I now call this "shape-shifting" ... .I think the correct term here may be "splitting" ... .

Its amazing. She completely turned on me at dinner. I had visited a hospital I had worked at for many years a couple of days before she arrived. I forgot to tell her and it came up in discussion. As soon as she looked at me and said "thats weird" I knew where it was about to go. She didn't care that my brother in law was sitting right across from us. My sister had gotten up from the table at the time right before she went off on me with her accusations "why did you go there", "isn't that where your ex works" who do you think you are". I answered her first question as to the fact that my ex did not and had not ever worked there and she was confusing two different hospitals. It was too late. She continued at me for some time and I became very upset. I got up from my seat to go get the check immediately. Then she whispers in my ear, "just smile and be normal so we don't ruin dinner for your sister and brother in law". Well it was too late for me, I was upset.

[Five28]

"One more quick point, these ladies seem to be able to turn this behavior on and then right back off, like changing the channel on the television ... .I HATE YOU she says ... .(phone rings) ... ."click" ... .Hi Mom!, (great big smile) yes we are fine here, how are you ... .meanwhile there you stand across the room with a giant hole in your heart thinking ... .what in the world !/? ... .I now call this "shape-shifting" ... .I think the correct term here may be "splitting" ... ."

Wow, I have been in that exact same scenario many times. It always left me shaking my head how someone could instantly switch personalities. Before I knew anything about BPD, I thought she had a multiple personality disorder. Even though I feel sympathy for the poster who said this I am also glad that I am not alone in this.

"Why did you go there", ":)oesn't your ex work there", "who do you think you are that you need to go make your presence around the hospital".
Once again the similarities are startling. Last year I stopped at a hardware store where I usually go. The store policy is for the cashiers by the door to greet all customers. They usually have a young girl working the register and when you walk in she will say "hello". Happens all the time whenever I go in there. This time my wife was with me and we both walk in and the girl says hello. At this time I'm clueless that there is anything wrong but once we leave all hell breaks loose in the car. "Who is that young girl and why did she say hello?" I was flabbergasted, as I'm 60 years old and this kid working the register is all of 18 or so. I tried to explain that they do that all the time to everyone but she was having none of it. The rest of the day was spent in silence with nasty looks and eggshells everywhere. A couple of days later she happened to go to the same hardware store and when she got back, apologized to me after realizing that I was telling the truth, as the girl said hello to her when she walked in. I'm convinced that dealing with this stuff on a daily basis sucks some of your soul right out of you each day.

Also to the OP, you have just tasted a tiny bit of the frosting on the BPD cake. I think that has to do with the newness as well as it being a long distance relationship. Given time, you will be given a whole slice of her BPD, and believe me, it's not something that will go down easily. I had no idea my wife was this way until a few years after marriage. Once they feel comfortable enough, and this may take a few months to a few years, they will slowly pull back the curtain and you'll wonder what the heck you got yourself into, but by then it'll be too late if you already got married. I will not give you advice on what to do since I am just an anonymous internet poster, but if I were in your shoes I would break it off and find a nice girl who is not afflicted with this serious mental illness. It will make you walk on eggshells all the time and your life will be miserable, stressful, and full of drama.

[md83]

"One more quick point, these ladies seem to be able to turn this behavior on and then right back off, like changing the channel on the television ... .I HATE YOU she says ... .(phone rings) ... ."click" ... .Hi Mom!, (great big smile) yes we are fine here, how are you ... .meanwhile there you stand across the room with a giant hole in your heart thinking ... .what in the world !/? ... .I now call this "shape-shifting" ... .I think the correct term here may be "splitting" ... ."

Wow, I have been in that exact same scenario many times. It always left me shaking my head how someone could instantly switch personalities. Before I knew anything about BPD, I thought she had a multiple personality disorder. Even though I feel sympathy for the poster who said this I am also glad that I am not alone in this.

"Why did you go there", ":)oesn't your ex work there", "who do you think you are that you need to go make your presence around the hospital".
Once again the similarities are startling. Last year I stopped at a hardware store where I usually go. The store policy is for the cashiers by the door to greet all customers. They usually have a young girl working the register and when you walk in she will say "hello". Happens all the time whenever I go in there. This time my wife was with me and we both walk in and the girl says hello. At this time I'm clueless that there is anything wrong but once we leave all hell breaks loose in the car. "Who is that young girl and why did she say hello?" I was flabbergasted, as I'm 60 years old and this kid working the register is all of 18 or so. I tried to explain that they do that all the time to everyone but she was having none of it. The rest of the day was spent in silence with nasty looks and eggshells everywhere. A couple of days later she happened to go to the same hardware store and when she got back, apologized to me after realizing that I was telling the truth, as the girl said hello to her when she walked in. I'm convinced that dealing with this stuff on a daily basis sucks some of your soul right out of you each day.

Also to the OP, you have just tasted a tiny bit of the frosting on the BPD cake. I think that has to do with the newness as well as it being a long distance relationship. Given time, you will be given a whole slice of her BPD, and believe me, it's not something that will go down easily. I had no idea my wife was this way until a few years after marriage. Once they feel comfortable enough, and this may take a few months to a few years, they will slowly pull back the curtain and you'll wonder what the heck you got yourself into, but by then it'll be too late if you already got married. I will not give you advice on what to do since I am just an anonymous internet poster, but if I were in your shoes I would break it off and find a nice girl who is not afflicted with this serious mental illness. It will make you walk on eggshells all the time and your life will be miserable, stressful, and full of drama.

Oh trust me, theres so much more than what I posted. One time I had posted a picture of us as my FB profile picture. A good friend of mine who passed away, his mother commented "great pic, cannot wait to meet her" with a kiss emoji. So thinking she would like to see that I took a picture of the comment and sent it to her. She responds with " Do you always communicate with older women that way" (meaning the kiss emoji). I explained that this was a woman who had been a mother figure since I was a kid. Her response? Thats weird that you communicate with your dead friends mother like that. She has acknowledged that she has some type of problem and she definitely wants a future with me. Im just waiting until the next time we meet to go deeper into the issue, which will be next week when she comes to California.Thank you for the reply

[livednlearned]

How are things going at the moment with her?

Are you both communicating?

Do you have plans to see each other in person again?

[md83]

How are things going at the moment with her?

Are you both communicating?

Do you have plans to see each other in person again?

Things are great right now. We communicate all day everyday via text, talk, and FaceTime. She will be coming to see me next week.

[livednlearned]

Do you have ideas about what to do if she becomes rude in front of people you know?

It might help to read up about validation, especially validating questions.

And to be clear about your boundaries with certain topics, like ex girlfriends. "I won't discuss things that trigger jealousy in front of others."

If she becomes dysregulated about cheating, you may want a good phrase to use in the heat of the moment. "That is all I have to say about this topic. We can sit here together and have a nice time, or, we can take a time out until you feel ready to be with me."

It's good that you had a quick, clear boundary last time. She needs that, even if she pushes against it.

If you become a door mat, she will lose any sense of boundaries and that is pretty scary for her.

[md83]

Do you have ideas about what to do if she becomes rude in front of people you know?

It might help to read up about validation, especially validating questions.

And to be clear about your boundaries with certain topics, like ex girlfriends. "I won't discuss things that trigger jealousy in front of others."

If she becomes dysregulated about cheating, you may want a good phrase to use in the heat of the moment. "That is all I have to say about this topic. We can sit here together and have a nice time, or, we can take a time out until you feel ready to be with me."

It's good that you had a quick, clear boundary last time. She needs that, even if she pushes against it.

If you become a door mat, she will lose any sense of boundaries and that is pretty scary for her.

Thanks for the tips. I also find it helps when I don't lose my cool which I used to do a lot when I would present her with clear facts to show her whatever it was she was saying was completely outrageous. I will read on validation. Thank you

[Five28]

"Oh trust me, theres so much more than what I posted. One time I had posted a picture of us as my FB profile picture. A good friend of mine who passed away, his mother commented "great pic, cannot wait to meet her" with a kiss emoji. So thinking she would like to see that I took a picture of the comment and sent it to her. She responds with " Do you always communicate with older women that way" (meaning the kiss emoji). I explained that this was a woman who had been a mother figure since I was a kid. Her response? Thats weird that you communicate with your dead friends mother like that. She has acknowledged that she has some type of problem and she definitely wants a future with me. Im just waiting until the next time we meet to go deeper into the issue, which will be next week when she comes to California.Thank you for the reply"

So she knows she has a serious problem but definitely wants a future with you. Sounds OK at first glance, but to my jaded eyes it screams that she knows she is screwed up and wants you to be her punching bag when her BPD acts up. Think long and hard on this, cause if you're already posting here so soon in a relationship, you'll probably end up being a moderator in about 10 years with thousands of war stories to share. 
Whatever decision you make I wish you the best.

[Tattered Heart]

So she knows she has a serious problem but definitely wants a future with you. Sounds OK at first glance, but to my jaded eyes it screams that she knows she is screwed up and wants you to be her punching bag when her BPD acts up. Think long and hard on this, cause if you're already posting here so soon in a relationship, you'll probably end up being a moderator in about 10 years with thousands of war stories to share. 
Whatever decision you make I wish you the best.

I think it does a disservice to our pwBPD to believe they are purposely doing the things they do. Yes, they should learn to control their own behavior, but oftentimes the behavior is so deep inside that it's just a subconscious reaction and not something they do purposefully. I've seen a lot of hurt, hopelessness, and anger in your posts Five28. I know how hard it is to see the good in our pwBPD when we've been living in their mud for so long. Have you started to read any of the lessons on the right? If so have you seen any changes in your feelings or in their behavior since putting the lessons into practice? Remember, the purpose of these board is to try to find new ways to improve our relationship, to handle situations, to learn better ways to communicate, to get advise from others, and to support each other. We can't begin to make things better until we stop making them worse. How can we help you?

[Lockjaw]

I have. Multiple times. It sucks because when things are good, they are really awesome.

Go look up Ross Rosenburg and the Human Magnet Syndrome. See if you end up feeling like I did. He makes a ton of sense to me. He has video's on youtube you can watch too. I bought his book. He explains why we are so attracted to women with BPD. If you are codependent.

I am. It's rough to deal with too.

[Lockjaw]

Clear facts don't mean diddly squat to them. They are masters at manipulating a situation and making it your fault, or spinning it and deflecting, excusing, or justifying what they do.

My suggestion to you is to start now with very clear boundaries with her and enforce them. And expect a blow up when you do.

My GF is very high functioning too. And very smart. And a complete master at manipulation. When we are good, we are very good. When we aren't, we aren't. At all.

And just so you know, I started off dealing with her well. I was nice. I was patient. I apologized for stuff I didn't do, just to get her to settle down. As time progressed, being wrong every single time got old. I got better about "defending myself" which doesn't help either. She could be wrong, and I could show her, and it wouldn't matter. She wouldn't hear my points if we had a disagreement.

The longer you spend with them, the harder it gets. Every once in a while, she will say something to me, and see the reaction on my face, and realize she made a mistake. Rarely.