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Lakoda

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« on: January 20, 2017, 04:53:50 PM »

Hi,

Rather depressed today, I feel like a useless piece of sh*t that does everything wrong, as I've been trained to think, and I don't know where to turn... .my once a week counselor is not interested in my story unless I'm on the clock. And even still it seems like I just talk and the counselor listens but really has no idea how to relate or even respond to some of my concerns. I'm not sure if I'm here to vent or just to find people who can relate to what I've been going through for 20+ years or maybe someone going through something similar can learn from my experiences. Even though I share some difficult experiences, every person is different and I don’t advocate intentionally hurting another person in any way. Kind of Ironic I should say that considering I've been a door mat for many years. Though I feel very remorseful for what my wife goes through emotionally and mentally. I can’t imagine living with BPD or wishing it on another. And her being my wife it was so easy to want to bend to please her instead of standing my ground on even the most absurd issues... .it was always easier agreeing to her than facing her wrath. I've seen lots of material online just bashing on people with BPD... .telling others to run for their life but they really don’t consider that people with BPD are people too and they need support from someone. I really don’t know how to solve this one. How can you get someone help who just wants to consider you the enemy for pointing it out?

Where to start... .lets start with the point of no return... .she attempts to take her life (very close one this time), after a week in ICU she tells me its my fault, then leaves town to go live with her sister 1000 miles away and tells everyone our marriage is over. Enters an out-patient program and gets committed. I go to counseling once a week and I have severe anxiety and PTSD which I now take medication for. Raised in a loving home were divorce wouldn’t even have been a thought... .despite pleas from friends and loved ones I refused to give up on the marriage. What can I say I'm not a quitter. I have great remorse for the turmoil my wife has endured because of this condition. Unfortunately the endurance has reached a precipice.

I'm left drained and broken... .As I type this letter I continually look at my phone and cringe to see if there is a text message or voice mail to deal with some issue on her behalf. I've walked on many eggshells... .no matter how hard I've tried and how much I could give... .time, money, love (I could do nothing to prove it)... .nothing was ever good enough. I repeat nothing was EVER good enough. For those of you thinking you can just do or give more... .forget it. New cars... .new houses... .elaborate vacations (Disney World three times and she was an absolute pill each time. Who can be mad in disney world? "the funest place on earth"... .game nights... .a house keeper to do chores. It got to the point where all she had to do is sit in her chair on facebook... .you think she would be happy... .NO... .she was miserable, absolutely miserable. She would yell at me for not hearing her from the other room and if I did hear her she was mad at me because she didn’t hear me answer her... ."he is ignoring me again"... .I swear sometimes she would go two rooms over just to talk to me. And if something was perceived incorrectly she would never let me justify myself. In each lashing she would cut me off before I could supply evidence to back up my story.

Early on in the relationship when we first met I knew there was something not quite right with her... .She was overly jealous and very confrontational with no room for criticism, quick to accuse, always the victim and she was always justified in her actions... .and I was always a sh*t head (I knew because she continuously reminded me). But we were young and I chalked it up to drinking and immaturity... .and who in the world knew what BPD was anyway?  At that point in my life I felt like I could conquer the world. I was very attracted to her as she was, and still is, very beautiful so it was easy to overlook personality flaws. To be fair she was not all bad... .she had many times told me how much she loved me... .but it was like... .I will hit you in the head with a frying pan and buy you a gift later. One fascinating thing about her behavior is she would scorn you and 10 minutes later act like it never happened... .of course I was still reeling and she would get mad it me because I was still upset about what she said earlier. I suppose one of the worst behaviors is she would exhibit is to one up me on things that weren’t even true... .if she suspected I was cheating on her she would find a guy. I have no idea how we made it past all that... .a lot of forgiveness I guess.

There is just so much more... .

I feel pretty worthless at this point in my life... .like I'm a failure. At this point my thought is that she needs face the harshness she gives to others instead of me covering for her and fixing everything she breaks. Not that she is ever coming back to me... .but I suppose she has to learn, just like everyone else, that being a jerk (BPD or not), she has to be held accountable.

Thoughts?
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Cookie Monster

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Relationship status: Widowed
Posts: 19



« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2017, 09:37:56 PM »

Lakoda,

I am so sorry to hear you are down tonite.  Did you say how long you've been married?  I just want to say you are in the right place on this web site, there are so many resources to help you understand your wife's disorder & what you can do to help both of you.  I know from my personal experience the chaos & drama created in a r/s with a pwBPD can really do a number on your self-esteem, it did mine.  Remember, it is NOT you, it is her disorder.  Don't take responsibility for your wife's behavior you cannot control it but you can learn how to protect yourself & learn more effective ways of interacting with her.  I wish this site had been around when I was going thru my own issues in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Your wife is so fortunate to have someone so committed to her & the r/s.   CM
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2017, 09:58:08 PM »


Welcome Lakoda:   

I'm so sorry, you are really dealing with a lot.  I can understand why you are depressed and struggling with PTSD. The set of circumstances with your wife is tough to deal with.  It is a common story around here where a handsome man or beautiful woman are hard to resist.  It's a lot easier to dismiss their bad traits, because they are so good looking or the good times are very exaggerated or they can make you feel very special at times.

Quote from: Lakoda
Rather depressed today, I feel like a useless piece of sh*t that does everything wrong, as I've been trained to think, and I don't know where to turn... .my once a week counselor is not interested in my story unless I'm on the clock. And even still it seems like I just talk and the counselor listens but really has no idea how to relate or even respond to some of my concerns. . .

I go to counseling once a week and I have severe anxiety and PTSD which I now take medication for. 
I don't think any of us get therapy "off the clock".  Sometimes, you need to try a couple of therapists to get a good fit for you.  Not all therapists have a lot of experience with BPD, so some people have had to move on to find a therapist that has more experience in that area.

I've found that you can steer the therapist, so to speak.  If there is something you want to focus on during a session, then take control.  I've even printed out a lesson or two from here and brought it to a session to discuss.

Quote from: Lakoda
One fascinating thing about her behavior is she would scorn you and 10 minutes later act like it never happened... .of course I was still reeling and she would get mad it me because I was still upset about what she said earlier.   
That is one of the earmarks of BPD - fast cycling of emotions, unless you become the recipient of "The silent treatment"

Quote from: Lakoda
it was always easier agreeing to her than facing her wrath   
Validation can be helpful, in that you acknowledge her feelings.  You never want to validate the invalid.  Unfortunately, when you keep agreeing to try and keep the peace, you eventually reach a point where you can't take it anymore.  If you establish boundaries, you end up dealing with the wrath for awhile.  It's kind of like, "no pain, no gain".

Quote from: Lakoda
I really don’t know how to solve this one. How can you get someone help who just wants to consider you the enemy for pointing it out?   
Unfortunately, you can't.  You can't change another person.  All you can do is to change the way you interact with them and then the way you react to them.

Quote from: Lakoda
I suppose one of the worst behaviors she would exhibit is to one up me on things that weren’t even true... .if she suspected I was cheating on her she would find a guy. I have no idea how we made it past all that... .a lot of forgiveness I guess.   

I'm so sorry. That had to be very disturbing for you.  Jealousy is a common problem with people with BPD (pwBPD)

I'm glad you are in therapy, but I'm sorry it isn't productive for you right now.  Perhaps, it time to make some changes in that regard.  What else are you doing to try to deal with your depression and PTSD?  Do you have any things you use to self-sooth and reduce stress? (music, sports, meditation or mindfulness exercises, a hobby?)

 
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Lakoda

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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 09:34:16 PM »

Lakoda,

I am so sorry to hear you are down tonite.  Did you say how long you've been married?  I just want to say you are in the right place on this web site, there are so many resources to help you understand your wife's disorder & what you can do to help both of you.  I know from my personal experience the chaos & drama created in a r/s with a pwBPD can really do a number on your self-esteem, it did mine.  Remember, it is NOT you, it is her disorder.  Don't take responsibility for your wife's behavior you cannot control it but you can learn how to protect yourself & learn more effective ways of interacting with her.  I wish this site had been around when I was going thru my own issues in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Your wife is so fortunate to have someone so committed to her & the r/s.   CM

Thank you for your response... .I was going to login and delete my post and I saw that someone had replied. Yes we have been married over 20 years... .I've been reading some articles on this site and it amazes me how spot on what I've been going through matches the experiences of others and what I've been going through for so long.

Yes, I was very committed and it fascinates me that she was the one that decided to bail out after hearing her say stuff like "if you meet someone else I will freak out" and "I don't know what I would do without you", and "you saved my life, where would I be today without you". And she quits and moves away... ."I love you so much I hate you". Do people with BPD really say what they mean or is it all manipulation? Looking back its hard for me to believe anything she said was true... .all the bad stuff she says about me now... .I did the best I could and now I'm a piece of trash. There is really no helping "us" at this point because she is gone. Do you think this site would have helped save your marriage? After all I've been reading and experienced, how can you possibly stay in a relationship with someone with BPD?


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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2017, 12:17:43 AM »

Hello,

I do think it would have been helpful if I'd had a resource like this.  Whether it would have saved my marriage, I really don't know, but it would have certainly been a useful tool--to help me understand what was going on & the correct approach to use.  I did not know he had BPD until fairly recently (came across some old papers a psychiatrist had written a diagnosis on).  Since we had a child together I think I would have made an effort to stay in the marriage.  I know how confusing their behavior can be, more so if you don't know they have BPD Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) the time of the relationship, much of the time I thought it was my fault.  It really did a job on my self-esteem.  I had an epiphany one day:  It doesn't have anything to do with me, it's their disorder.  I think this site is a great resource for learning how to respond to their behaviors.  Even though I'm not in that relationship anymore, it has helped me gain an understanding of what was.  My H was abusive emotionally & physically when dysregulated, & I carried a lot of anger around for years for how I was treated, not so much now.  I was angry Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) him but I was grieving his death Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) the same time.  I too wondered if he ever really loved me, but I've come to understand that he loved me "as much as he could", & I'm Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) peace with that.                                                                                                                                                   
I'm thinking what she said that you quoted has to do with her fear of abandonment, perhaps she was fearful you would leave her (unable to tolerate rejection-to them it means they're not lovable or worthy).  It doesn't have anything to do with your words/actions.  They are insecure.  My H would look Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) me & say, out of the blue, "You're going to leave me, aren't you?"  You quoted her "I love you so much I hate you" may have something to do with fear of intimacy.  I think perhaps when pwBPD get "too close" to their partner, they will pull away.  That's a defense mechanism because they also fear "engulfment".  There's a lot of information here explaining those concepts.  I  believe my H behaved in certain ways to avoid feelings of engulfment:  he did not kiss me much or other pda even while we were dating.  There was little foreplay or cuddling when it came to sex. He gave me a card once which said "I have a hard time expressing my feelings".  My H was a textbook borderline.  The only criteria I can't say for sure is "chronic feelings of emptiness" as I can't say I ever heard him express that.                                                                                                                                                     I always thought H was manipulative, but now I question how much was manipulation and whether they are even aware of how others perceive their behavior.  I think it's possible the manipulation is unintentional Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) times.  I've heard "their feelings are their reality".  I think it's good you're studying the disorder,  it's not uncommon for them to show up later to see if there's still an attachment there, & try to recycle the relationship.  I don't want to give you false hope, but be prepared if it happens. Twenty yrs is a long time, & I do understand your pain.    Take care, you are not alone.  CM
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Lakoda

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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2017, 12:24:32 AM »


Welcome Lakoda:   

I'm so sorry, you are really dealing with a lot.  I can understand why you are depressed and struggling with PTSD. The set of circumstances with your wife is tough to deal with.  It is a common story around here where a handsome man or beautiful woman are hard to resist.  It's a lot easier to dismiss their bad traits, because they are so good looking or the good times are very exaggerated or they can make you feel very special at times.
I don't think any of us get therapy "off the clock".  Sometimes, you need to try a couple of therapists to get a good fit for you.  Not all therapists have a lot of experience with BPD, so some people have had to move on to find a therapist that has more experience in that area.

I've found that you can steer the therapist, so to speak.  If there is something you want to focus on during a session, then take control.  I've even printed out a lesson or two from here and brought it to a session to discuss.
That is one of the earmarks of BPD - fast cycling of emotions, unless you become the recipient of "The silent treatment"
Validation can be helpful, in that you acknowledge her feelings.  You never want to validate the invalid.  Unfortunately, when you keep agreeing to try and keep the peace, you eventually reach a point where you can't take it anymore.  If you establish boundaries, you end up dealing with the wrath for awhile.  It's kind of like, "no pain, no gain".
Unfortunately, you can't.  You can't change another person.  All you can do is to change the way you interact with them and then the way you react to them.

I'm so sorry. That had to be very disturbing for you.  Jealousy is a common problem with people with BPD (pwBPD)

I'm glad you are in therapy, but I'm sorry it isn't productive for you right now.  Perhaps, it time to make some changes in that regard.  What else are you doing to try to deal with your depression and PTSD?  Do you have any things you use to self-sooth and reduce stress? (music, sports, meditation or mindfulness exercises, a hobby?)

 

Thank you for your reply... .yes unfortunately early on in the relationship seems like hormones got the best of me... .but I still thought that her behavior was something I could work out... .I was young and naive.  I've read that people with BPD like to move fast in the beginning of the relationship and she insisted on getting pregnant early on... .so I toughed it out at all costs for the sake of the little ones. No matter how crazy it got. Now they are teenagers so things are a little different.  Perhaps my tolerance has changed and I've been more geared towards being in a fair relationship opposed to a punching bag... .and perhaps she decided the party is over. My counselor has been encouraging me to stand up for myself. I guess that's not the best thing when your spouse has BPD.

I think she has moved on, so couples counseling is a no go... .she has already demonized me to everyone she knows and bragged that the relationship is over. She has already been speaking to another man as if he was more than just a friend. It amazes me how cold she can be... .how can a person just shut off a relationship after 20 years with no emotion? Perhaps the feelings where never there for her?

Yes I have been working on myself... .apparently asking to be treated in a fair relationship is not an option.

I'm very busy with my work... .that helps me take my mind off stuff. And I found this site to search for others to relate. I'm starting to resent my counselor because paying someone to "listen" to me seems very cold... .like prostitution. And I dont want to bother my relatives because I already know what they are going to say. I believe just sharing experiences with others who have dealt with this and seeing how they ended up would be a help.
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Octy
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2017, 12:50:34 AM »

Lakoda
I'm interested in what you believe your relatives would say.
They've heard about it too many times?
They don't believe it could be as you describe it was?
Can't understand how you won't just get over it?

I know I've worn out my welcome on the subject to a few that I shared a lot with. Can't blame them as there is no reconciliation available for me. I read a ton before I could even share a little. Still tough and almost embarrassing to get out how many of my own rules I broke to stay in whatever "it" was. Did you always see signs of disordered thought as you look back?
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Lakoda

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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2017, 01:04:32 AM »

Hello,

I do think it would have been helpful if I'd had a resource like this.  Whether it would have saved my marriage, I really don't know, but it would have certainly been a useful tool--to help me understand what was going on & the correct approach to use.  I did not know he had BPD until fairly recently (came across some old papers a psychiatrist had written a diagnosis on).  Since we had a child together I think I would have made an effort to stay in the marriage.  I know how confusing their behavior can be, more so if you don't know they have BPD Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) the time of the relationship, much of the time I thought it was my fault.  It really did a job on my self-esteem.  I had an epiphany one day:  It doesn't have anything to do with me, it's their disorder.  I think this site is a great resource for learning how to respond to their behaviors.  Even though I'm not in that relationship anymore, it has helped me gain an understanding of what was.  My H was abusive emotionally & physically when dysregulated, & I carried a lot of anger around for years for how I was treated, not so much now.  I was angry Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) him but I was grieving his death Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) the same time.  I too wondered if he ever really loved me, but I've come to understand that he loved me "as much as he could", & I'm Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) peace with that.                                                                                                                                                   
I'm thinking what she said that you quoted has to do with her fear of abandonment, perhaps she was fearful you would leave her (unable to tolerate rejection-to them it means they're not lovable or worthy).  It doesn't have anything to do with your words/actions.  They are insecure.  My H would look Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) me & say, out of the blue, "You're going to leave me, aren't you?"  You quoted her "I love you so much I hate you" may have something to do with fear of intimacy.  I think perhaps when pwBPD get "too close" to their partner, they will pull away.  That's a defense mechanism because they also fear "engulfment".  There's a lot of information here explaining those concepts.  I  believe my H behaved in certain ways to avoid feelings of engulfment:  he did not kiss me much or other pda even while we were dating.  There was little foreplay or cuddling when it came to sex. He gave me a card once which said "I have a hard time expressing my feelings".  My H was a textbook borderline.  The only criteria I can't say for sure is "chronic feelings of emptiness" as I can't say I ever heard him express that.                                                                                                                                                     I always thought H was manipulative, but now I question how much was manipulation and whether they are even aware of how others perceive their behavior.  I think it's possible the manipulation is unintentional Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) times.  I've heard "their feelings are their reality".  I think it's good you're studying the disorder,  it's not uncommon for them to show up later to see if there's still an attachment there, & try to recycle the relationship.  I don't want to give you false hope, but be prepared if it happens. Twenty yrs is a long time, & I do understand your pain.    Take care, you are not alone.  CM

WOW I'm soo sorry for your loss... .it must have been (and still is) very difficult! Did you leave the relationship or did he pass away while you were in it? All I can think of is the empathy I had for my wife when she had tried to take her life and the pain she must have been feeling inside. Later she wanted me to know it was all my fault that it happened. I mean is it so bad being with me that it had to come to that? What about a separation or counseling? I took care of everything... .she could have just watched TV all day if she wanted. And I tried my best to make myself available but someone had to work.

You say the "correct approach to use"... .what would that have looked like?

Agreed about the self-esteem... .I sure feel like an unworthy piece of dirt. I was constantly reassured by my counselor that not all women would treat me like that :-)

I agree she had a lot of insecurities but leaving the marriage seems opposite of that. But she was so flip flop in her decisions.

Sex with her wasn't that often, because she wasn't that sexual... .and when it did it... .apparently it was a good time to have a discussion about buying something or going on a vacation or some other decision she wanted to talk me into. If that isn't manipulative I dont know what is. But you are right... .it seems there is no other way to live life for someone with BPD.

My emotions have been like a sea-saw... .on one hand I'm very sad about all these years gone to waste... .and on the other I am revealed and are starting to find myself again little by little. So I dont think I want to get back into it if she tries to recycle. She is 1000 miles away so I think that will help out.

Thank you very much for your support and your time. I really appreciate it :-)

- Lak
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Lakoda

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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 01:29:17 AM »

Lakoda
I'm interested in what you believe your relatives would say.
They've heard about it too many times?
They don't believe it could be as you describe it was?
Can't understand how you won't just get over it?

I know I've worn out my welcome on the subject to a few that I shared a lot with. Can't blame them as there is no reconciliation available for me. I read a ton before I could even share a little. Still tough and almost embarrassing to get out how many of my own rules I broke to stay in whatever "it" was. Did you always see signs of disordered thought as you look back?

My family saw the stripes on the zebra long ago... .they didn't like how she would hurt me over and over... .what family would? Their response from the beginning was let her go... .move on. You would not believe the horrible things she has done to me if I told you, and the affairs she has had. We had a child year two of the marriage so I was in it for the haul. I was brought up that way.

When you are with someone and you are attracted to them and care for them and you have a child with them its not easy to just dump her as everyone tells me to do. I was reading on this site that part of the BPD is being a constant victim and I was trained to be the hero, so we were like two pieces of a puzzle... .she would create problems or get into trouble and I would put on the cape and fix it.

I know about humbling myself... .that's why I feel like a piece of garbage... .constantly lowering my standards... .whenever I brought up an issue like that wasn't a good way to handle the situation (for example: gambling her car payment at the casino) I usually walked away apologizing for bringing it up and I would be like "Sorry, I will never do it again"

Signs oh yes... .in the beginning she was very touchy and it didn't take much to anger her... ."walking on eggsells". But in the beginning she would reward me after a hostile moment. But as we had a child and got married that came to an end real quick!  I've been researching that people with BPD like to move fast in a relationship up front. So we were married and had a child within year two... .  kind of hard to just call it quits.

 
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« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 05:33:19 AM »

Hello,                                                                                                                                                   When I said correct approach, I was thinking of the communication tools mentioned here i.e. validation, setting boundaries, etc.  While the comm tools would have helped if I'd had them,  fact is, I didn't have them Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) that time, period.  I did the best I could do with what I had Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) that time.  From what you've described, I think you did everything you could to cope with the situation Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) hand: you were sensitive to her needs, you were understanding of her & her disorder, you did everything you could materially to aid her & make things easier for her.  The bottom line is you can't make the disorder go away.   You're right about family not understanding, the reason it's so hard to step away is that you've formed bonds with your wife over the years, we all do that in our r/s with our loved ones.  It seems you are going in the right direction, taking care of yourself, & know what you want in a r/s.  ... .the emotional rollercoaster will slow down over time.   My H suicided  about 6 wks after I filed for D. He had attempted about 3-4 wks after I left, spent 3 weeks in the psych unit, then died 5 days after being discharged.  I loved him very much, but his rages were escalating & I was afraid of him, I started going to MC alone as he refused to go.  He had co-morbid substance abuse & severe depression.  On a spectrum, his disorder would have been towards the severe end.  CM                                                                                                                           
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Lakoda

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« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2017, 01:47:07 PM »

Hello,                                                                                                                                                   When I said correct approach, I was thinking of the communication tools mentioned here i.e. validation, setting boundaries, etc.  While the comm tools would have helped if I'd had them,  fact is, I didn't have them Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) that time, period.  I did the best I could do with what I had Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) that time.  From what you've described, I think you did everything you could to cope with the situation Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) hand: you were sensitive to her needs, you were understanding of her & her disorder, you did everything you could materially to aid her & make things easier for her.  The bottom line is you can't make the disorder go away.   You're right about family not understanding, the reason it's so hard to step away is that you've formed bonds with your wife over the years, we all do that in our r/s with our loved ones.  It seems you are going in the right direction, taking care of yourself, & know what you want in a r/s.  ... .the emotional rollercoaster will slow down over time.   My H suicided  about 6 wks after I filed for D. He had attempted about 3-4 wks after I left, spent 3 weeks in the psych unit, then died 5 days after being discharged.  I loved him very much, but his rages were escalating & I was afraid of him, I started going to MC alone as he refused to go.  He had co-morbid substance abuse & severe depression.  On a spectrum, his disorder would have been towards the severe end.  CM                                                                                                                           

Oh my... .shesh compared to you I was let off the hook easy. Thats the thing... .how much can you sacrifice for someone who thinks so irrational? I almost ended up in your situation though it was because she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore... .she would have made sure I would have been to blame.

It seems substance abuse runs with the territory... .its a way of self medicating. I find it can be replaced with the proper medication... .though I have also found that even though medication can alleviate symptoms like anger and hostility, it wont remove irrational thought.

 When I started to create boundaries that was the beginning of the end. She would say things like you've changed since x or since y... .and even if I would cower out and take back my boundary she wouldn't buy it. I told her we could go to counseling together but she just got really impatient then started to deny the doctors diagnosis of BPD. I suspect a change in her medication made her worse as her depression grew deep.

The whole thing is very sad... .I would have toughed it out because I feel bad for the sufferers of the illness... .they are people too.

So were you nervous about meeting someone else?
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« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2017, 12:12:10 AM »

Hi Lakoda

You most certainly aren't a failure for loving a person who made it so difficult in your relationship, 20+ years is a very long time to be immersed in crazy making behaviour, really shows how strong you are even though it is so hard for you see it right now.

A PWBPD is capable of cognitively distorting reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, to them feelings=facts, their psychological defences, including projection and splitting, all boil down to this.
Keep reading and learning.

Take care of yourself during this tough time for you.
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« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2017, 01:43:40 AM »

Hi, 

Are you feeling better?  Has it helped you to have others who have had similar experiences, to talk to?

I just want to reply to your question "were you nervous about meeting someone else?"  I started dating about 1 1/2 years after my H died.  I really wasn't that nervous, my frame of mind was casual, the only expectation I had was just meeting & getting to know the person I was going on a date with.  That's it!  Having  realistic expectations helps you to feel relaxed so you can be yourself.  It's a good sign that you're thinking about the future.  CM
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Lakoda

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« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2017, 10:55:35 AM »

Hi Lakoda

You most certainly aren't a failure for loving a person who made it so difficult in your relationship, 20+ years is a very long time to be immersed in crazy making behaviour, really shows how strong you are even though it is so hard for you see it right now.

A PWBPD is capable of cognitively distorting reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, to them feelings=facts, their psychological defences, including projection and splitting, all boil down to this.
Keep reading and learning.

Take care of yourself during this tough time for you.

:-) Thank you for your encouraging words!

I've been looking into as you say... ."distorting reality to fit their current emotion of the moment"

That really does seem to be the case... .I took care of every need she had and at the end it was really strange to hear her say things like she was not loved and she just couldn't stand the situation so she had to leave me. I was thinking wow you must have been living with a monster... .who is he? Oh it was me. Everyone around me including her siblings couldn't understand how she reached these conclusions. If I had not already proved my love for her 1000 times over. Imagine all she was required to do was breath and I guess that was just too outrageous for her. I gave it all I had. Anyone out there want to hang around my house and go on facebook,  watch TV all day or whatever you want for free? Everything included... .house keeper too.

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« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2017, 11:12:29 AM »

Hi, 

Are you feeling better?  Has it helped you to have others who have had similar experiences, to talk to?

I just want to reply to your question "were you nervous about meeting someone else?"  I started dating about 1 1/2 years after my H died.  I really wasn't that nervous, my frame of mind was casual, the only expectation I had was just meeting & getting to know the person I was going on a date with.  That's it!  Having  realistic expectations helps you to feel relaxed so you can be yourself.  It's a good sign that you're thinking about the future.  CM

Doing okay I guess... .a ranged of mixed emotions... .thanks for asking! Yes, listening to what others are going through helps me to realize that I'm not the villian I'm made out to be. And that BPD is not something I can fix or never will be able to. So all my attempts over the years where just attempts and nothing else. I do care and have much compassion for people living with BPD. I would not wish that on anyone. What Ive learned is the biggest issue with BPD is for those people who want to go on insisting they dont have it and dont want to get help for it. They are making themselves miserable and everyone around them. And for those living with a BPD partner... .boundaries are everything... .and dont compromise those boundaries based on pleasures or whatever. Its not worth it!

Not sure about your situation but I often wonder if the anxiety and the PTSD I have will subside or how that will carry through to another relationship.
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« Reply #15 on: January 25, 2017, 04:56:43 PM »

Excerpt
I gave it all I had.

Sadly the more you love them and the closer you get, the more they hurt you and push you away.
The harder you try, the worse it gets.
I once told my ex. she was pushing me away, long before I ever heard of BPD.

Hang in there, it does get better.
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« Reply #16 on: January 25, 2017, 06:33:17 PM »

I often wonder if the anxiety and the PTSD I have will subside or how that will carry through to another relationship.

Hey Lakoda,  you will be fine.  You know that much of what you went through was not your fault?  I'm sure you felt responsible in a way, but it was not you.

When it happens, you can expect that person to be understanding.  If they are not, take that as a sign they might not be for you.  The strength of character and loving compassion you have shown is a true piece of you.  It will attract someone like you. 

When you are ready it will happen. 
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« Reply #17 on: January 25, 2017, 07:59:37 PM »

Doing okay I guess... .a ranged of mixed emotions... .thanks for asking! Yes, listening to what others are going through helps me to realize that I'm not the villian I'm made out to be. And that BPD is not something I can fix or never will be able to. So all my attempts over the years where just attempts and nothing else. I do care and have much compassion for people living with BPD. I would not wish that on anyone. What Ive learned is the biggest issue with BPD is for those people who want to go on insisting they dont have it and dont want to get help for it. They are making themselves miserable and everyone around them. And for those living with a BPD partner... .boundaries are everything... .and dont compromise those boundaries based on pleasures or whatever. Its not worth it!

Not sure about your situation but I often wonder if the anxiety and the PTSD I have will subside or how that will carry through to another relationship.                                                                                                                                         It does seem as if PTSD is a common occurance after a r/s w pwBPD, doesn't it?  I'm not sure why?  Anyone know?               
I think you are grieving the loss of your r/s.  Allow yourself to grieve, be kind to yourself... As for my situation, I didn't allow myself to grieve, numbed the pain w alcohol for about 3 yrs (not a good idea)  I know what you mean about pwBPD getting help.  I don't think many have any insight re the disorder, they really believe it is their partner, not them.  I've read that it has to do with their weak sense of self--if they admit they have a problem, it would confirm they are flawed & unworthy, & people wouldn't love them, might leave them.  Goes back to fear of abandonment.  I know what you mean about feeling compassion, it really helps to learn about the disorder.  Hang in there, Lakoda!
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