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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Stuck with hope she will come back  (Read 418 times)
Rhomer

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« on: January 21, 2017, 04:10:39 PM »

Hello all, I am so happy to have found a place like this.

My ex w/BPD left me about a month and a half ago after a 4 year long relationship. She had horrible self esteem and was recently diagnosed with borderline when we got together. Her therapists would tell her she had high emotional intelligence, and from my experience I believe them. However, that did not stop many of the effects of her disorder. She was notably dependent on me for the majority of the relationship, something we both recognized was unhealthy, but I still couldn't help but enjoy feeling so special. It was the standard idealization words that I'm sure many of you recognize, that I was the light of her universe and she was terrified of losing me. These sentiments became less frequent in the last months but I didn't notice as she still seemed to hold me to great value.

Anyway, our relationship ended after she cheated on me and immediately told me afterwards. She had been talking about polyamory before and was now convinced that she could no longer be in an exclusive relationship. There would later come reasons as to why she thought our relationship would not last longer and that she had been "lying to herself the whole time." These were reasons such as as us growing in different ways and that we were sexually incompatible due to me being too careful with her as a result of her past sexual trauma. According to her, she has changed and is now no longer unhealthily dependent on me (due in part to the help I've given she said  ), which has given her more of the self confidence to be polyamorous. This was also layered with words from her new therapist that has made her become more convinced that she no longer is full BPD but has just BPD qualities. She is now seeing the new guy, however, he is seeing other people as well and she is keeping her eyes out for other romantic interests. She has also said that she has not really fallen for him like how we had when we entered a relationship after months of emotional closeness.

A month after the breakup on christmas eve I had told her I was initiating NC which eventually led her to send me a barrage of texts and call me saying she wasnt ready to lose our comfortable love we had together, should have tried to fix our relationship problems, and was "ready to try again to whatever capacity I was comfortable with." She said it had been worse then any other breakup she had ever had and that she still loved me. A week later when we talked in person she said she had not even thought of an exclusive relationship at the time, to which I'm still suspicious of. While she wanted me to try polyamory, I stated I was not willing, especially if she was with the guy who knew she was cheating on me.

A couple days later I laid out a long argument to her that she had emotionally abused me in the last two months of our relationship, and that she had been selfish and impulsive. She took this surprisingly well but was defensive in some areas. We mourned the relationship together with some light physical affection. A few days later she attempted to contact me for help because she was having hallucinations. I also went to spend a night with her the next day to comfort and cuddle her after a very stressful day. She cried saying how scared she was losing me and that she didn't realize how dependent she still was on me. She was scared of burdening other people and all of her friends were busy or potentially moving. I told her she needed to find other support as I could only do this for an exclusive relationship.

I was working towards an official last day of NC when after stating once again my intention of not being her friend in the future, she said I would always be welcome in her life to whatever capacity I was comfortable with. I told her I couldn't do that because I wanted a most important person in my life that viewed me the same way, and that everytime I see her I am reminded of the life I wanted. To my surprise she said she understood because she had and will always have those same feelings as well. I voiced my skepticism due to recent actions and words, to which she apologized and said she understood why I wouldn't believe her despite still holding the statement.

The night before the scheduled last day, she texted me asking if I hated her followed by many sorries. She then switched to accusing me of hating her and the other guy, which I only defended against hating her. The last day went poorly as she said she was upset because she was defensive of the other guy, which caused me to get upset given that he knew when they were cheating. She left me because she didnt want to be around me just to see me be mad, but I couldn't let that be our last time. Last night we had one last time together where we just watched a TV show and lightly cuddled before she told me I should go. She asked if she could still contact me if she really wanted to talk or was in danger, and that I should be able to do thr same, to which I agreed.

As you might expect I have been absolutely devastated by this whole ordeal. Its been difficult to function as I was already depressed and have anxiety, which coupled with my obsessive thought problems has caused me to ruminate consistently ever since the breakup. In order to save myself from despair, I will commonly try to think of the hope that she will come back. I dont think her experience with polyamory will go well at all, and the stability I as well as my family offered were precious to her. I've been trying to get myself in a more self dependent healthy place while using the relief thinking she will probably come back to help me as an aid. I know this isn't ideal, but I would love any thoughts or feedback I can get.
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2017, 04:45:57 PM »

Hi Rhomer,

Welcome


I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this, depression and anxiety is tough, I can relate with how that feels. It sounds like your ex lost two people with her decision, you made a hard choice and stuck with your values. My ex uBPD wife had an affair and that was a deal breaker for me.

It helps to talk with people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you'll find that you'll fit right in here. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you're not alone.

Excerpt
Its been difficult to function as I was already depressed and have anxiety,

Have you talked to an MD about depression and anxiety? How's your appetite? What's your support system like in real life with family and friends? Hang in there.
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Rhomer

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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2017, 05:01:39 PM »

Thanks for the response mutt!

The good news is I already have a good support system and therapy for anxiety/depression. My family is great, I have some good friends, and I see my therapist once a week. My appetitie has varied,  but definetly been low recently which I have been concerned about.

The real bad news is that I'm worried I'm going to cave in and be part of a non committed relationship with her months down the line. Theres a part of me that worries she will forget me, and if I could just give her a reminder of what I offered in her life she would want to have me back fully. Of course, logically I know this is very unlikely how it would play out. Part of me knows I just see a possibility of getting a fix of her still, even if its not fully what I want. I think another part of it is that feeling that option is there keeps me going sometimes.

I feel that I could forgive her for cheating if she really came back. I'd give her one more chance, shes shown ability to improve before, I'd risk it for her. But now I get to caught up day dreaming about a day that may never come, I know I'm doing it to stave some of the despair away.
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 05:53:48 PM »

Hi Rhomer,

Excerpt
he real bad news is that I'm worried I'm going to cave in and be part of a non committed relationship with her months down the line. Theres a part of me that worries she will forget me, and if I could just give her a reminder of what I offered in her life she would want to have me back fully.

You'll feel different months from now, I think that you're thinking that what you feel today is going to carry over for several months, that's not true, I can see how it's difficult to think that we'll  feel different one day because of how painful these break ups are.
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« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2017, 06:13:25 PM »

Hey Rhomer, you seem to be discounting how well you handled a difficult situation.  You made a boundary for someone you obviously care about deeply.

You.

You disengaged and dealt with a hard choice honestly and with compassion.  You saw through a smokescreen and made a choice.  Be mindful of how you feel and take care of yourself. 
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Rhomer

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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2017, 06:42:40 PM »

Should I feel bad for holding out hope she will return to me? I feel relief from my heavy anxiety symptoms by logically coming to the conclusion she is going to want me back, should I supress these feelings and dive into the despair? Should I use this hope to try and better myself, both for if she does or doesn't come back?

I guess the real guilty but honest question I'm also pussyfooting around is, am I a fool for thinking she will want to come back?
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« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2017, 07:37:51 PM »

Has your T given you coping techniques? Positive coping statements work well "I'm stronger than I think" "This feels bad, it is a normal body reaction.  It will pass" "These are just feelings, they will go away" anxiety can make us under estimate ourselves and it can make you think that the anxiety is worse than it is.
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Rhomer

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« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2017, 08:31:04 PM »

Ive been trying strategies like that with various degrees of success. Its hard to hold a lot of it back when a new memory with her comes to mind and terrifies me again.
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 03:50:57 PM »

hi Rhomer, id like to join the others and say Welcome

Should I feel bad for holding out hope she will return to me?

to be really frank with you, i did it myself. it was the bargaining stage of grief for me, and wasnt bad or wrong. its a lot of pain to process Rhomer, and while i think its ideal to feel our feelings as they come, our psyches can only take so much at a time. it goes a long way to be self aware of our detachment process, the coping mechanisms we may be leaning on.

to echo  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Mutt, you may feel differently in a few months. you may feel all over the place in the immediate future.

Should I use this hope to try and better myself, both for if she does or doesn't come back?

you really cant go wrong there  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). what does bettering yourself look like to you?
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« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 04:05:40 PM »

Thank you for the help once removed.

I suppose that last question is hard to answer. Right now I'm just trying to get back on my feet and find some enjoyment in life again. Being happy while single again would sure be nice, I used to be like that about 5 years ago. However, I guess back then it was more of an acceptance I didnt think I was socially adept enough to be with someone. Now I guess I know I'm able, but I'm still quite scared of dating and my heart is still taken. That is on top of the fear that I will be bored in a nonBPD relationship.

I've got anxiety and depression to deal with now too, both were acting up again right before the break up. Dealing with those issues is on the agenda I suppose, but right now my mind has been completely enveloped with the loss of her. I guess general optimism for the future is what I feel lacking most, which is in part why feeling that  she will come back can be such a powerful drug.
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« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2017, 04:06:07 PM »

Should I feel bad for holding out hope she will return to me? I feel relief from my heavy anxiety symptoms by logically coming to the conclusion she is going to want me back, should I supress these feelings and dive into the despair? Should I use this hope to try and better myself, both for if she does or doesn't come back?

You are not a fool!

Your emotions will likely be all over the place. I am speaking from a place where my husband of 15 years suddenly decided that we should see other people and that he was bisexual.

I went along with it because I thought I could find a way to be happy with it. We have 4 kids together so I had a lot of motivation to do whatever it took to keep our family in tact. I thought, "Hey, if he can be happy and be a dad and we can be friends, then that is great." We read books about conscious uncoupling. We read books and consulted with some people we knew that had experimented with polyamory. I did lots of research about how to deal with the jealousy that might arise.

At the end of the day, ex did none of those things. He started posting ads online. He would tell these other women horrible things about me even though we had made an agreement about honesty and respect and blah, blah, blah. Ex couldn't do any of it. He would rub my nose in how much better these other women were than me. He would tell me that they inspired him. He would talk to them with pet names and encourage them and was so sickeningly nice to them I wanted to puke.

Whenever one of them would ditch him, he would come back to me and tell me how big of a mistake he made and how much he loved me and how he was wrong and that he just wanted me. That was until I said or didn't something he didn't like and then he was off to the races again.

A better question to ask yourself is, "Why do you want her to return to you?"

If she came back, would you live in fear that if you messed up, she would run off again? I know that was something difficult for me. Even when ex claimed to be focused on me, I felt like all it would take is one cross word from me and he would be back to looking for somebody else.





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Rhomer

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« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2017, 04:20:59 PM »

What an awful experience that sounds like vortex, I'm sorry you went through that.

I've thought about what it would be like if we got back together and I guess its always dependent on what those circumstances would be. It took more then a few cross words to make this happen, she says its the result of a lot of feelings she was refusing to face and a strong yearning for polyamory. With her already doubling back believing we could have fixed the problems we had, it feels like now she needs a trial by fire with polyamory for her to understand herself better.

I give my ex credit as of right now that she can learn from mistakes. She is highly intelligent and has shown capacity for making changes. But I'm not certain, I'm just willing to take that risk for her one more time. I can certainly see myself feeling different about that in the future.
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« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2017, 04:33:39 PM »

I've thought about what it would be like if we got back together and I guess its always dependent on what those circumstances would be. It took more then a few cross words to make this happen, she says its the result of a lot of feelings she was refusing to face and a strong yearning for polyamory. With her already doubling back believing we could have fixed the problems we had, it feels like now she needs a trial by fire with polyamory for her to understand herself better.

Ex needed to have an open relationship so he could explore his bi side. He needed to explore it so he could understand himself better. He had spent his entire life trying to deny his sexuality, blah, blah, blah. Don't listen to what she has to say.

Figure out what you can realistically handle and stick with it. I deluded myself into thinking that I could be okay with all of it. I did date a few guys on the side during all of that. I stuck to my side of the bargain. I think there were three different guys during that whole mess. I put two of the three in direct contact with ex so ex could verify that I was not cheating or making stuff up. What guy in their right mind is going to believe that a husband is giving his blessing to this kind of arrangement? I lived up to my end of the bargain. He didn't voluntarily put me in contact with any of the women he was chasing. I contacted them but it wasn't because he was okay with it. I went a little bit crazy.

Excerpt
I give my ex credit as of right now that she can learn from mistakes. She is highly intelligent and has shown capacity for making changes. But I'm not certain, I'm just willing to take that risk for her one more time. I can certainly see myself feeling different about that in the future.

I used to give ex a lot of credit. He is very intelligent. I risked it several times so I am not offering any sort of judgment. I want to give you a friendly warning that this stuff is impossible to predict. I never could have predicted that things would have gone the way they did. I thought so highly of ex. I thought he was capable of doing things and making changes. Here it is several years later and I am done. Unequivocally done. Until I reached that point, I took all sorts of risks. I kept myself engaged in one way or another. When you are done, you will know it. Until then, be careful!
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Rhomer

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« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2017, 05:41:01 PM »

Thank you for being understanding and sharing your story. You're probably right, it will likely not go well, but I guess I might need a trial by fire too  

I suppose its more likely I'll never get that chance to risk it anyway, this polyamory thing will probably last longer then her real memory of me. Guess its a win win either way right? Or a lose lose?
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« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2017, 06:52:38 PM »

Thank you for being understanding and sharing your story. You're probably right, it will likely not go well, but I guess I might need a trial by fire too  

I loved ex and saw great things in him. I kept thinking that I just had to find the magic button and I would get the wonderful guy that I married back. Didn't happen! I sure gave it a hell of a try. At the end of the day, I was able to walk away knowing that I tried everything I could and then some. Only you will know when that is. You may say "One more try" 1 time or you may say it 50 times.

Excerpt
I suppose its more likely I'll never get that chance to risk it anyway, this polyamory thing will probably last longer then her real memory of me. Guess its a win win either way right? Or a lose lose?

Don't try to predict the future! Anything can happen.

Reading this gives me a sense that you want to know that she will remember you and think of you, that you were special to her and meant something to her. I know how that feels. It is painful and takes time. I still occasionally wonder what all of those other people had that I didn't.
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« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2017, 11:56:01 PM »

... .I know I'm doing it to stave some of the despair away.

Rhomer,

You pegged it. It is called defensive hope. It keeps us/delays us from accepting the inevitable, which entails that we must also deal with the consequences and/or emotions of said acceptance. Unfortunately, this hope can keep us mired in place, and that's not good as we cannot begin the healing process if we feel that there is a chance that things will turn around.

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« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2017, 12:06:34 PM »

Hey Rhomer,

Our timelines are very similar.  I have had some pure crap days, but im starting to feel and understand how my own feelings are running me.  Whether or not my ex comes back. You are going to get through this, there is no other way.  Use your support system, be honest in therapy.  Take responsibility for yourself. And keep it in mind, it takes time.

Id be lying to you, if I said I didn't want my ex back.  But would anything be different?  Would yours? Would this smokescreen about polyamory and her mental changes continue?

You said trial by fire?   Why do you need to prove anything to someone else?
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Rhomer

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« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2017, 01:03:51 PM »

I suppose I have to admit to myself that part of me wants it to be proven that I was important in her life, that she needed what I offered and it could only be done with monogamy. She told me at the end that we were doing the relationship "my way" for the last 4 years (complete bull___ she had to admit) and the thought that I was holding her back upsets me. It also bothers me that she is claiming that all her dependency on me was "unhealthy", which it was in its degree, but it hurts to hear that your importance is viewed unhealthy.

I also recognize that part of me just feels better thinking that shes making a mistake and it will go poorly for her. All the frustration I've had arguing with her over polyamory had built to this point that I want her to see what I perceive to be how it won't work for her. I feel some guilt for hoping it goes badly, but I guess its just plain validation to me. Probably not too healthy
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« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2017, 01:32:26 PM »

Rhomer,

Allow me to share a bit of my experience... .I entered my relationship with my BPDex not having any knowledge of BPD or that he was afflicted.  Looking back, I just knew from early on that something was not right.  I tried to discount all those feelings as being something wrong with me which I needed to work on.  It wasn't long that my high functioning intelligent BPDex started reinforcing that all the problems were originating from me.  (I wasn't the one texting other potential sexual conquests while we were in bed together.)

It's one thing to be sexually adventurous within a relationship.  It's another to spring it on an existing relationship and expect that there won't be problems.
It appears your ex wanted more that she was getting out of the relationship with you.  Obviously she got lots from you as she was with you and still makes overtures about getting back with you.  It doesn't appear your ex is being honest with herself, or with you, about what she wants out of the relationship she has/had with you.  I found myself in the same boat.  That's why I chose to end my relationship and go NC.

It is very painful to have to depart the company of someone you love and care about so intensely!  I know, I've done it!  But when you really focus on you and understand how this relationship is really hurting you, only then can you begin to understand the magnitude of the dynamics of a BPD relationship.

After my recent breakup with my BPD, I went back to contact a former ex I had not spoken with in over two decades. Why?  Well first, that former ex was the only other person in my life whom I truly loved but it ended after six years for similar, yet different, circumstances. We were both much younger then and I knew at the time of that breakup that my former most likely would realize years later the opportunities we both passed up due to a breakup.  That's exactly the validation I received from my former when I spoke with him not too long ago about my most recent breakup.

That conversation and the validation helped me to process that the breakup with my BPDex was not about me but about the insecurity, the abuse and the crazy nonsense I was being subjected to in staying in that relationship.  I've learned by reading about BPD's and their victims that there exists so many levels to process the grief.  Just as I think I am getting better (over it), the depressing thoughts and yearning for my BPDex come back.  I let myself grieve and process and even have a bit of a pity party but I review the knowledge I have gained, struggle to carry on and advance myself into the next day and the next projects.

I expect that I may hear from my BPDex one day.  :)eep inside I hope that it will happen but in reality, I know that it should not and cannot.  Try to draw on the good memories and experiences of your relationship with your ex and determine yourself to consider absolutely NC.  This way you do not succumb to the distractions from your ex as you are healing and moving on.

Hope some of my experience serves as a sort of reinforcement for you.                            
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« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2017, 02:57:29 PM »

Thank you for sharing your story Germanic. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since you broke up with your exBPD? Im still definitely in that phase of struggling against the yearning, but I had my first period of partial clarity last night where I at leasrlt briefly convinced myself I could say no to her if she wanted me back. That's progress I suppose.

Not going to lie, I'm a little scared now that I'll be thinking the same about my exBPD that you do about your 2 decade old former. It seems like such wasted opportunity, but I guess right now it's just a lot of potential hurt. I guess maybe I can find some solace that I believe shes going to have a hard time finding someone better. What exactly was the validation you found in talking to your former?
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« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2017, 04:02:27 PM »

Rhomer,

It's been 6-7 weeks since my relationship with the BPD ended.  It's not been easy but finding this website and all the other reading and research I have done has really helped to fill in the cracks where I had no clue or understanding as to what I was dealing with.  The more I understand, the easier it is to process, heal and move on.

As far as what I received in the form of validation by speaking with a former of over twenty years is the confirmation of the fact that my former ended up  twenty years later exactly where I predicted he would, single and living with his elderly mom who is now struggling with Altzheimer's.  It did not solicit it but during my recent conversation with my former, and early on in the discussion, he volunteered a deep expression of appreciation of everything I had ever done for him.  In that, I found validation that in spite of how that particular relationship ended (my former was narcissistic but I don't believe BPD) that I was a good to my former and that the relationship did not end because of problems created on my end.  It took me at least a year and a half to get over that relationship.

You can probably expect to wonder if your BPDex will ever acknowledge to themselves, to you or anyone else the benefits which you brought to the relationship.  She may do so or she may never.  First, your BPDex will have to acknowledge her responsibilities regarding the failures on her part for the relationship to continue as she professes that she wants it to.  It sounds like you gave her every opportunity to work things out and while she appears to like to keep the door open, she doesn't mind continuing to hurt you.  This is why it is important for you to come to sufficient terms with yourself regarding your reality and your needs and make a decision for yourself.

Trust me, I've continually second guessed my decision to exit the relationship with my BPD partner and after careful review, I must look to something a wise, older, caring and very special friend said to me, "Thank God you had the wisdom and the fortitude to get out before the situation got any worse."  I read here on this site of the struggles of so many others regarding distancing themselves from the BPD they were involved with by going NC.  As hard as it seems to be to do, I appears to me to be the best and most effective way to heal and move on.

I've also told myself that it's OK to continue to love and care about the BPD formerly in my life but that I should never, ever let them know.  However I also am trying to accept the fact that the person that I loved so intensely was never really there.  That for me is the most difficult part of processing the detachment with a BPD.  Hang in there. READ, READ, READ and post and communicate on a site like this.  I found this, in addition to the love and support from close friends and family has helped me tremendously.  I'm sending lots of mental support and good thoughts your way!  You will get through it and come out on the other side a stronger person.               
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