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Author Topic: Social media problems  (Read 809 times)
CrazyChuck
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« on: January 23, 2017, 02:39:59 PM »

My wife has many problems with my social media. She will question me on who women are that like a comment or photo. She went nuts because she thought I had too many followers on Instagram. I had to make a new private account. She has lots of strange rules I have to follow.

How do you handle social media?
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WifeInOz
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2017, 03:15:05 PM »

Hey Chuck!
 My BPD Husband and I have had MANY issues with social media! He is constantly checking my phone to look at my FB account (I dont care there is nothing to see ) He will find things though, like if I like too many guys comments (men Ive known since I was like 5 mind you) get mad if men like my profile picture etc. He has FULL access to all of my social media accounts and I his, because like I said, I dont have anything to hide... .but I guess its about his insecurities   I do suggest you NOT have a social media she DOESN'T know about. If it was just a girlfriend it would be ok in my book, but to a borderline wife she will FLIP THE HECK OUT when and i mean WHEN she finds out. This will open up a whole can of worms that you were hiding something.


ITs not easy trust me!
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Duped 1
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« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2017, 07:16:35 PM »

I went off FB completely when I was w mine because she was so crazy and insecure. Of course she was on it constantly
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ElinorD
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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2017, 08:46:21 AM »

My uBPDh is always a little uneasy about me having FB, which I do use a LOT. He isn't on it, thank God.  He worries that men are looking for opportunities on it. We had a conflict lately when someone he's closer to IRL but is my FB friend told him something about my FB activity, suggesting I have a thing for a celebrity (which I don't even). This triggered H with jealousy. So now I'm trying to figure out the best way to navigate that.

It gets so tiring to watch for trouble from all directions.

I could give up social media, but it's a connection. Mostly I think it helps give me perspective and find my views apart from H and have enjoyable friendships, which helps in this kind of controlling relationship.
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CrazyChuck
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« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2017, 09:01:23 AM »


It gets so tiring to watch for trouble from all directions.


Yes!

Example:

Everything is fine for weeks.

Text yesterday morning
Her: Who is this b**** Lisa Adkins?
Me: No idea
Her: Again who is this b**** Lisa Adkins?
Me: (After doing a search on social media) We went to high school together, I don't really know her.
Her: WHO IS THIS B**** LISA ADKINS!
Me: I DON'T KNOW HER!
Her: WHY DID SHE LIKE YOUR PROFILE PHOTO!
Me: no idea, I'll unfriend her
Her: Maybe she shouldn't have been a friend to begin with, if you don't know her.

I unfriend Lisa Adkins, delete my profile photo, and put up another profile photo with my wife and I both in it.
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WifeInOz
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« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2017, 09:07:11 AM »

Chuck , your wife sounds like my  husband. That is the hallmark, textbook of BPD, everything IS fine for a time and then the shoe drops. Have you read "Walking on Eggshells" ? it is very very informative!
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isilme
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« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2017, 09:34:50 AM »

Ugh.  I get random accusations of cheating, and sly innuendos that I am spending too much time "texting" other people Implying that I am texting men.

I have 3-4 girlfriends who text ME, and I sometimes have the audacity to respond in the evenings or weekends.  Sometimes, his cousin will contact me for holiday gathering info because of the family, I'm the one who will actually check my inbox and respond. 

Sad thing really is that he assumes I'm going to/have/am currently cheating because HE was the one who did years back.  He constantly makes comments about how he "knows" I've been with others and don't need to hide it.  In all truth, he is the only person I ever been with.  Period.  And I think his brain just can't handle that I wouldn't need to validation he used to seek outside the relationship.

Of late, I am just tired of all the "I know what you are thinking better than you, and it's horrible and you hate me" accusations he's been putting out.  It IS tiring.  It makes me sad that while others can see I am devoted to him, he can't.  His emotions and poor internal feelings rule all.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2017, 10:11:56 AM »

She is getting a perfect response from you, it's working, so no point for her to change her behavior 

After a few mentions about someone who you have no real affiliation with, you capitulate. Now she knows exactly what she needs to do to get her needs met.

Her needs for reassurance are bottomless, they cannot be met. This will only get worse if there are no boundaries.

There are ways to discuss it gently and firmly, while attempting to soothe her, though often once you set a new boundary there is an extinction burst as she attempts to relocate the moved boundary.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2017, 02:24:35 PM »


I unfriend Lisa Adkins, delete my profile photo, and put up another profile photo with my wife and I both in it.


This just reinforced the behaivor. SHe now knows that if she throws a fit, she will get her way.

Social media is a HUGE issue for my uBPDH and I too. It has gotten better, but I always have to be careful. I do allow him access to my account, but he no longer uses it anymore, at least that I know of. He used to get mad if I friended a guy and did not tell him about it. Thankfully the way FB does it algorithms now, he doesn't get a notification everytime I friend someone new. We also now have a lot of friends in common on FB so that helps that he can see my interactions.

Here are rules I've put in place for myself:

  • Don't post/like/comment/laugh too often on posts from the same person of the opposite sex several days in a row.

    Never compliment another guy.

    If I private message another guy about something business, church, or work related, leave the private message so if H sees it, he will know that I am able to communicate appropriately with members of the opposite sex. If for some reason I send a more personal private message to another guy, delete it immediately and completely (on fb there are 2 places you have to delete PMs). Of course these PM's are NEVER inappropriate or out of bounds, but to a pwBPD, they are.

    Depending on his mood, the memes I share may piss him off, make him think I am being inappropriate or lewd (even if they are not). Block him from seeing these posts only. Let him see other posts that he cannot misinterpret.

    Don't jump at my phone with every notification that comes in, even though I REALLY want to. If he thinks it seems like I'm waiting on a message from someone, then he starts to get paranoid.

    Tag him in memes and posts that I think he would enjoy. This lets him see that I'm not "hiding" him from anyone.

    If he starts to get upset about a post, a comment, or whatever, validate. "Oh, I can see how someone would take it that way! I never noticed that. Thanks for pointing it out."

    When he starts to make accusations about me being on FB all the time (which usually means that HE has been obsessing over FB), suggest that we take a few days off to reset. Sometimes he agrees; sometimes he makes excuses not to get off FB. Either way, he can see that I'm willing to address the issue of social media overload, which shows him that I'm listening.

I know blocking him from some posts and deleting them is not being completely authentic, but it works, and it works very well. We have not had a FB fight in over a year. His ability to interpret things without context is so difficult. For me, as long as I'm not hiding things because I'm actually forming new relationships with people, I'm ok with keeping little stupid memes or funny posts out of his view.



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Lockjaw
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« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2017, 02:47:16 PM »

I have heard this from my GF as well. If I like a comment a woman makes, that is flirting. If she responds back using my name, that means she likes me. So I asked her, what about the other woman and the dude who used my name, do they like me too? LOL!

Then it degraded to well you said you were clueless (which is true) and I am just trying to tell you, that is how things are done these days.

I said, I thought if I liked a comment someone posted, that meant I liked the comment, not the person making it.

However, she can post something on FB and boom, 10 dudes will send her a friend request. Thankfully she is pretty much disgusted with the average guy who does things like that just to get closer to her.

She will also watch my facebook activity, so especially if we are fussing, I stay off it. Not that it matters, I think its the black hole of wasting time. So much crap on there, you can spend hours looking at it, and learn nothing.

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CrazyChuck
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« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2017, 03:01:10 PM »

This just reinforced the behaivor. SHe now knows that if she throws a fit, she will get her way.

Social media is a HUGE issue for my uBPDH and I too. It has gotten better, but I always have to be careful. I do allow him access to my account, but he no longer uses it anymore, at least that I know of. He used to get mad if I friended a guy and did not tell him about it. Thankfully the way FB does it algorithms now, he doesn't get a notification everytime I friend someone new. We also now have a lot of friends in common on FB so that helps that he can see my interactions.

Here are rules I've put in place for myself:

  • Don't post/like/comment/laugh too often on posts from the same person of the opposite sex several days in a row.

    Never compliment another guy.

    If I private message another guy about something business, church, or work related, leave the private message so if H sees it, he will know that I am able to communicate appropriately with members of the opposite sex. If for some reason I send a more personal private message to another guy, delete it immediately and completely (on fb there are 2 places you have to delete PMs). Of course these PM's are NEVER inappropriate or out of bounds, but to a pwBPD, they are.

    Depending on his mood, the memes I share may piss him off, make him think I am being inappropriate or lewd (even if they are not). Block him from seeing these posts only. Let him see other posts that he cannot misinterpret.

    Don't jump at my phone with every notification that comes in, even though I REALLY want to. If he thinks it seems like I'm waiting on a message from someone, then he starts to get paranoid.

    Tag him in memes and posts that I think he would enjoy. This lets him see that I'm not "hiding" him from anyone.

    If he starts to get upset about a post, a comment, or whatever, validate. "Oh, I can see how someone would take it that way! I never noticed that. Thanks for pointing it out."

    When he starts to make accusations about me being on FB all the time (which usually means that HE has been obsessing over FB), suggest that we take a few days off to reset. Sometimes he agrees; sometimes he makes excuses not to get off FB. Either way, he can see that I'm willing to address the issue of social media overload, which shows him that I'm listening.

I know blocking him from some posts and deleting them is not being completely authentic, but it works, and it works very well. We have not had a FB fight in over a year. His ability to interpret things without context is so difficult. For me, as long as I'm not hiding things because I'm actually forming new relationships with people, I'm ok with keeping little stupid memes or funny posts out of his view.





I do the same. I would never hide anything. It is strange how she will know how many times I have liked someones comments over a period of time. Most of the time everything is fine. But sometimes like when she decided to look through my Facebook messages back before we met. She started making stuff out of nothing. I finally took my phone from her. And that started a week long cold shoulder. She said I could no longer be trusted.
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WifeInOz
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« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2017, 03:46:09 PM »

Tattered
 I agree with all that you said and that is what I basically do too! Its just not worth the nonsensical arguing Smiling (click to insert in post)
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