Inconsequential "reasons" for dysregulation

[Cat Familiar]

Inspired by another poster's "broccoli incident," I decided to create this topic where you can post seemingly ridiculous (to the non) triggers that have caused your partner to dysregulate. That said, I want to add that although these incidents may have been completely unimportant for you, they were very meaningful to your partner and "real."

Perhaps they were just a trigger to release a lot of pent up frustration and anger, or perhaps they had deeper meaning through something that happened in their FOO, or they're about something that makes sense to them, but not to you.

I'll admit that I have some triggers that others might think are silly. One of them is when my husband leaves his wet clothes in the washer for days, mildewing. I'm not about to start doing his laundry and to me, he's "hogging the washer" and making it smell bad.

So my reason for starting this topic is not to ridicule our significant others, but rather to give voice to things that are so absurd you cannot share them with friends and family.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband had a couple of mini-meltdowns in the last couple of days. Fortunately they were easily contained at the campfire stage before they became major conflagrations.

I'll call one the "sock incident." I recently bought some colorful wool socks and washed them. When I took my laundry out of the washer, I noticed that one sock was missing. I looked all around, thinking that perhaps I had dropped it, either before or after it was laundered.

I asked my husband if he had seen it (1st mistake), thinking I might have dropped it on the way to the laundry room and maybe he had picked it up. He walked over to the rack where the socks were drying and picked up the sole sock.

"Is this the one?" He also scanned the area and didn't see its missing mate.

Hours later, I pick up the socks to put them away and there is the missing sock! Strangely, it's slightly damp.

I ask my husband if he had found the sock when he did a load of wash. (2nd mistake) Rather than interpreting my question as "Yay, thank you," he thought I was accusing him of something--perhaps I was thinking it was his fault the sock disappeared and then reappeared. Who knows?

From there it went to: "Anything that is missing is my fault. You're always criticizing me."

I was able to calm him down somewhat, but he still believed that I was accusing him of something. My only concern was What the heck? This was a mystery I couldn't fathom.

After thinking about it for a while, he came up with a likely explanation. One of our cats has a sock fetish and will grab a sock on the drying rack and hold it and lick it. Possibly I dropped the sock while removing it from the washer and didn't notice him stealing it and running off with it. Oddly enough, he then returned it to the drying rack. Of course he also puts one of his cat toys on the drying rack, so maybe this isn't so unlikely.

What was a humorous incident to me turned into an accusation against him. Sad how they take the joy out of living sometimes.  

[Cat Familiar]

The second incident I'll call the "scissors incident." I opened the drawer to use the kitchen scissors, but they weren't there. Knowing that I hadn't misplaced them (being very OCD--things get used, then they're returned to where they came from--immediately), I walked over to my husband's studio and asked in as nice and un-accusatory a voice as I could muster, ":)o you know where the kitchen scissors are?"

He seemed a bit embarrassed and quickly produced the scissors.

Later that day I went to the hardware store and among other purchases, I bought him a pair of scissors for his studio.

When I gave him the scissors, he at first seemed irritated, then he thanked me.

After the sock incident, he brought up the scissors incident as yet another thing I had done wrong. 

[Fie]

I like the humor in this  :-)

My BPDex always accused me of wanting to cheat on him.
Once we were in a restaurant and it was cold inside. So I chose to sit at the side of the table where the heater was.
Ex started dysregulating terribly. I did not sit there for being warmer, I wanted to see the waiter better, so I could flirt with him !

This incident was brought up for months and months; every time ex thought I cheated.

[isilme]

Lol, glad to see broccoli isn't the only issue out there

Rather than interpreting my question as "Yay, thank you," he thought I was accusing him of something--perhaps I was thinking it was his fault the sock disappeared and then reappeared. Who knows?

YES^^  I can think I am making an innocuous, totally non-offensive statement, and then find us in some sort of almost argument, confused as to how we arrived there.  

So, we had a minor dysregulation again about food this week.  H vacillates between wanting to cook at home, or eat out.  It's a cycle.  For months he will insist it costs the same to go buy Mexican food at a local restaurant as it does to make it so we do that for a while.  Later, he gets excited about things like nacho taco shells. He puts them on the grocery list.  I make tacos at home, putting only the spices he wants on the meat (he complained it was too spicy last time), he comes in and puts a salad dressing on his tacos.  

He's done this a lot in the past, and had stopped, moving to salsas, bbq, other stuff.  Not seeing that he was temperamental, I just started asking why are you using that and not bbq like you've been doing?  out of honest curiosity.  He then spends about 2 hours griping before, during and after dinner about why he used salad dressing, because to him, any question is an attack, and I "always" attack him with questions "every" time I make tacos.  

So his impression of "why did you decide you liked that better than XYZ" was interpreted as "why are you weird using that?"  I don't usually get to ask a complete question or make a complete statement.  He shuts me down and starts in on what he THINKS I asked, instead of what I really said, and will spend hours at times going off on it.  

[Tattered Heart]

My H is on a no Great Value brand kick.

I do the meal planning, shopping, and most of the cooking. I tend to get overwhelmed going into busy stores or stores that are too far off the route home so I use the Neighborhood Market that's only a few blocks from my work.

Since my H had been complaining about Great Value brand I tried a couple other stores, such as Aldi, Food 4 Less, and Price Cutter. With each of these places, he complained so much about the quality of food that he wouldn't even eat it. I let him know that I would continue to shop at Neighborhood Market because no other place is available.

Friday, after running a ton of errands and then getting groceries, I get a text asking if I'm on my way home. I tell him I'm almost home and got a Wal-mart bake your own pizza for dinner. He reminded me that we don't have a pizza pan and asked me to turn around. I told him I'm just a few minutes from home and I"m not going back into town for a pan (we live 10 minutes from town). He asked if I got any other Great Value brand items, and I said, "I don't think so... .but no promises. I know I didn't on the peas." His response: "Nevermind. Compromise is not possible.  "

Really? He got home from work at like noon. I got off work at 2:30 and was just getting home after running errands for 2 1/2 hours!   Thankfully he wasn't too bent out of shape about it. I think he was actually hangry, but on a different day and a different mood this could have gone south very quickly.

[Should I stay or...]

(being very OCD--things get used, then they're returned to where they came from--immediately)

Do you think your behavioral issues effect your relationship too, or just your husband's issues?

[Cat Familiar]

Do you think your behavioral issues effect your relationship too, or just your husband's issues?

Oh absolutely! I wouldn't want to be my roommate! 

What is different is that I laugh at myself for my various neuroticisms, while his veer into black and white thinking: "You hate me."

[Cat Familiar]

Not seeing that he was temperamental, I just started asking why are you using that and not bbq like you've been doing?  out of honest curiosity.  He then spends about 2 hours griping before, during and after dinner about why he used salad dressing, because to him, any question is an attack, and I "always" attack him with questions "every" time I make tacos. 

So his impression of "why did you decide you liked that better than XYZ" was interpreted as "why are you weird using that?"

This sounds so familiar, isilme. The always/never/every time language really gets on my nerves. And my husband makes comments about me "attacking" him too.

I told one of my friends that if I was really intent on "attacking" him verbally, he would crumple to the ground. As it is, I try to be on my best behavior and be my politest self whenever I speak to him, and then I get the "You're constantly criticizing me" comments. Jeez! There are times I'd really like to tell him what I think.    But of course, I don't because that wouldn't be productive.

[Notwendy]

It's aggravating when my H assumes some motive to my actions or words that has nothing to do with them.

One incident is him saying I sat in the car, refusing to come into his parents' house to say hello to them. I would never do something like that. I vaguely recall one time when it was pouring rain and he said he needed to run in for a moment- and I said I would wait. ( because of the rain). How this turned into his interpretation makes no sense to me.

Sometimes I am angry at him and he says " why are you attacking me". It seems that if I confront him, or get upset, it is a personal attack.

I know that I am also triggered by anger, but although it upsets me, I don't assume it is a personal attack.

The personal interpretations of some of my actions are frustrating to me, but I can't control what someone else thinks.

[Cat Familiar]

It's aggravating when my H assumes some motive to my actions or words that has nothing to do with them.


I, too, am bothered by this and the weird thing is that my husband will assume I'm doing something that is so completely outside of my character that I wonder if he even knows me at all.

Sometimes he will accuse me of "torturing" him when I've merely asked what I had thought was an innocuous question.

I'm such a direct person and so willing to admit my faults, that I'd be out front about it if I was trying to make him feel bad. And why on earth would I do that?

I've literally spent almost three weeks of my life on this forum trying to make things better with him, though of course he doesn't know that.

[Notwendy]

My H says things like "you're hammering me, beating me, attacking me".

I am such a mild mannered person, it isn't like me at all to be attacking anyone. I am also smaller than he is. If I actually really attacked him, he could overpower me in an instant.

It's so strange to me.

[Notwendy]

So here's another one.

I kept some memories from my childhood which included school notes and some about a teen crush on someone who had no clue and probably didn't even notice me. H had seen it and asked about it, and honestly, I could hardly remember anything about it. So then he accused me of lying about it and "betraying" him.

I understand that in the moment, seeing his wife's feelings about someone else is triggering. But the context- years before I met my H, and a teen crush where nothing happened made this seem all the more bewildering. However, he was so angry about this, I was in tears.

[CrazyChuck]

I have a good one. My wife once asked me to sit down and talk about our problems.

Her: What do you think has been our problem as of lately?
Me: I think it is miscommunication.
Her: How do you think you have been miscommunicating?
Me: Wait, what percentage of our problems do you feel are my fault, and what percentage of our problems do you feel are your fault?
Her: 100% YOUR GD FAULT! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU MEAN MY FAULT? ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! MY FAULT!

And the day was over

[Wrongturn1]

Last year, I took my uBPDw out for a nice dinner one evening, and things went great. 

On the way home, I played a song for her from a new album I had recently bought, and she immediately went into a waif-rage meltdown, saying that the song reminded her of the style of music from the move, "O Brother, Where Art Thou", which made her think of that scene in the movie where the sirens seduce the men at the river, which made her think that the reason I liked that movie was because of that scene where she said that you could see the girls naked under their wet clothes.  [which btw, I googled a few images later as I had never paid close attention to this part, and you can't see any of the private parts on the sirens - this was pure imagination on uBPDw's part... .although the scene has an overtly sexual feel]

None of her fears were accurate, and I did a good job of avoiding JADE and not accepting abuse.  I nearly pulled the car over and left it and her there beside the road - would have Ubered myself home, but it would have been an expensive ride as we were >30 miles from home at that point. 

Then the truly remarkable thing was that about a week later, we were driving down the road in my uBPDw's car.  She played a CD that she had made that was a compilation of her favorite songs, and one of the songs on her CD was actually from the "O Brother" soundtrack... .and there she was smiling and singing along, as happy as a lark.  What? 

[Tattered Heart]

Her: What do you think has been our problem as of lately?
Me: I think it is miscommunication.
Her: How do you think you have been miscommunicating?
Me: Wait, what percentage of our problems do you feel are my fault, and what percentage of our problems do you feel are your fault?
Her: 100% YOUR GD FAULT! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU MEAN MY FAULT? ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! MY FAULT!

And the day was over

I got stressed just reading this. I think my BP went up.