Sudden rage attack, what next

[PeaceHeart]

My husband is in very bad shape right now, snowballing into rage and paranoia. I'm not sure what I did to trigger the rage tonight. I guess that's the problem, I am not the problem, his BP is taking over his life. I called him tonight to ask if needed a ride back from the dentist (infection and he's in pain). He immediately started raging at me, yelling how could I ___ing ask him right now! And accusing me of not being sexually attracted to him, and threatening divorce. I grabbed my "stop walking on eggshells workbook" to try and calm the situation, it worked and he decided to come home instead of drink all night and stay in a hotel. But when he got here, he verbally raged and broke things in the garage. The kids could hear him and were scared. I feel like I got in over my head thinking he could come home and be calm. I don't know what to do now, he just left to go to the store and will be back shortly, he might come back calm but will be on edge until his nervous system adjusts. He feels rejected when I leave him alone, but extremely angry when I'm in his presence. Not sure what to say. He has been in a mental health crisis for several weeks, he is working with a therapist and waiting for an appointment with the psychiatrist. I'm hoping he can stay to get treatment, I think if he left he would be in danger.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi PeaceHeart:   

I'm sorry your post went unnoticed. How are things going now, any better?

I'm so sorry your husband has been raging. That can be scary. That was a good idea to grab your Walking on Eggshells Book and find a technique to use. I'm glad that you had success with it, but sorry the raging returned.

How long does he have to wait to see the psychiatrist?  Perhaps if it is too long of a wait he could get in to see a primary care doctor to get a prescription?

It is a good idea to prepare a safety plan. The link below leads to an article that contains some coaching on making a safety plan.

Let us know how things are going. 

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

[isilme]

I just saw this-this morning - I don't post on here from home or check it very often because work is safer overall for me.

I'm sorry, I know when I was small and my dad went into one of his rages it was very alarming, and to this day I still see him as a boogey-man who the thought of seeing can trigger fear even though we've been NC for 20 years.  My dad though was full on sociopath, and charming enough to others to hide what went on at home.

My H can also go into frightening rages, but I admit after time they come less frequent and more often less horrifically, but it's taken a lot of time to hit that benchmark, and he had to become more self-aware himself about causes, whether it's warranted to get so mad, and contrite in the aftermath.  We realized that he mostly rages when hungry and has low-blood sugar, and that he makes himself physically ill (high blood pressure, headaches, body aches) following a rage.  There are some recent posts about nutrition, depression, and emotional stability that may help - I'm looking into them a lot. 

In your case, I'd have to feel that your H feeling rejected is preferable to taking the increasing anger by being in his presence, and at the moment of a rage, it's kinda all about taking care of you and the kids.  Your H has to learn to deal with that without you trying to "fix" anything for him.  Anything you can do has already passed.  And if you can get a word in edgewise, I'd want to state some variation "I am not rejecting you, but your anger and behavior at this time.  I will spend time with you when you are calmer."  And grab the kids and take them for ice cream or a walk, and try to let them know it can be scary when dad gets like this, but it's not about them - or something good to let them know it's not about them.  Don't bad mouth him, don't even really talk about him, but let them know they are good kids and did not cause the tantrum.  ":)ad's not feeling well right now, so let's give him some space, and he and Mom will talk later.  Who wants a cheeseburger?"  I'm just saying this as an only child survivor of 2 BPD parents who went at it really badly, with me as the only other human in the house, no family nearby to run to, no friends due to the isolating tactics of BPD.  I had no recourse or shelter, but you are there for your kids, which can go a long way for them.

I'm sorry your H is really volatile right now.  Sometimes these things are affected by something as uncontrollable as the seasonal changes in light.  Weather.  Come up with some plans and strategies for getting you and the kids out of the house when they happen, even if just for a few hours.  You H can and will have these eomiotns.  You can use what ever tools you have at your disposal to try to diffuse the situations, but sometimes it will just blow up no matter what you do.  And your H will choose those closest to him to spew forth his feelings, regardless of whether there is any responsibility for those feelings within the people he's choosing to punish.  I'm assuming that he may have had some stress over needing the dental procedures, and anger, and then felt pretty terrible over it afterwards.  I know my H had a weird reaction to the medications they gave him for his dental surgery a few years back - he was tired, partly sedated, but manic and would not sit down for hours.  He wanted to clean the house from top to bottom, fill up boxes for goodwill, and was bouncing all over.  So while your H was probably on the road to this blow up before, the meds during and after may have screwed up his emotions even more.

I hope you are all doing okay.

[Tattered Heart]

Rage is so scary. You never know how your pwBPD is going to respond. You mentioned that he was in pain and sick. Not that it's an excuse for his behavior, but pain can cause people to escalate quicker than usual. He may be hurting quite a bit and unable to express that. Sadly though you get the be blamed for what he can't figure out.

I think it's important that you keep yourself safe. When he is raging, its imperative to get yourself out of the situation. When a person is out of control, you never know what they will do. Would you be comfortable leaving the house temporarily when he is like this?