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Author Topic: My Sister Has BPD  (Read 1157 times)
Champagne

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« on: January 22, 2017, 02:44:23 AM »

Hey all, just joined this community.

Me too - I have an undiagnosed BPD sister - she is 2 years older than me and wreaked havoc in my life for 25 years.

A year ago a friend suggested my sister had BPD, and as I researched about BPD nothing could stop the tears from streaming down my face. I had always struggled to find a way to describe her and our relationship (other than, she's a mega ___ and we don't get along).

I've been going to therapy for a year to finally deal with the effect she has had on my life. If anyone has read Dr Lawson's book and subscribes to her BPD theory, my sister is definitely the witch and I was her main target for 25 years until I moved out of home.

I'm finding the therapy journey (psychotherapy) really hard - it's so painful to dredge up old memories but after a year I can see changes and am continuing.

Glad to find this community.
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AnnieOz

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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2017, 06:12:34 PM »

I have an undiagnosed sister also.  She's 68 & I'm 57.  Now that our parents and other relatives are gone I don't have guilt & obligation holding me to a relationship. For some reason I just can't cut it off yet, this person who has been terrible to me for years (the usual -- outbursts, irrational outbursts, and I'm now her only target).  I don't even like her much. 
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Newbie

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« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2017, 11:10:55 AM »

I too have a sister with diagnosed BPD and I feel the same as Champagne! She is only a couple of years older than me and has made the last 33 years of my life a living hell, sprinkled with some good times. I have been through therapy multiple times to undo the damage caused by her. I have joined this group to find some solace because I know I can never get her to understand that she needs help because she is fixated on being the victim at all times and refuses to admit there is anything wrong with her. I am just thankful that as we got older she stopped being so violent. She has attempted to kill me twice with a butcher knife, and has mentally, emotionally, and physically abused me throughout our childhood. Our childhood was nothing from a fairy tale either, it was extremely traumatic with no stability or structure. Her fear of abandonment is completely understandable. I suffered emotionally from our childhood also, but chose to get medical help and through therapy I have been able to heal and live a wonderful happy optimistic life. The only problem I still had was the relationship with my sister. I always thought she was just too dramatic, or maybe was mentally unstable. It wasn't until my last therapist mentioned that my sister had many signs of BPD that I finally looked it up, and it was like a veil had been lifted! It was like I finally had the answers to why she does and says the things that she does. I am really hoping that better understanding her condition and being a part of this support group will help me release my feelings of frustration and pain, and move on with my life with a healthier outlook.
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hkb93

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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2017, 03:29:07 PM »

Hello all,
I just joined today, similar to all of you, looking for a support group to help me cope with my BPD sister. She was diagnosed over a year ago and has always caused our family emotional anguish, hurt, and defeat. I've been her "target" for all 23 years of my life (also sprinkled with a few good times, as someone mentioned!) She is 25. We haven't seen each other for over a year now. Somewhat because we both were in college, scheduling conflicts, her unwillingness to leave her apartment, and her constant blaming me and my parents for being "unsupportive, unloving, hurtful, and disrespectful". We have bent over backwards for her our whole lives - financially, emotionally, etc. She always finds a reason to hate us. It is so defeating.

In college, I went to a university counselor to help me cope with this. She was very insightful and helped me to recognize my own feelings and needs. Although I have made a lot of progress, I still find myself feeling guilty and shameful for the hurt my sister has caused me and my parents. I feel like it is my responsibility to keep the peace. It doesn't help that I am non-confrontational and a people pleaser.

Lately it is especially disheartening and I am engaged and getting married in June. She was NOT happy about my engagement, never called to congratulate me, will not talk of my wedding, and I worry she won't even show up (she is a bridesmaid).

I am finding myself wondering... .at what point do you cut toxic people out of your lives? It's so difficult because she's my one and only sibling. I have read two books ("I hate you, don't leave me" and "loving someone with borderline personality disorder". Although helpful in understanding, I do not feel that they help my relationship with my sister at all.

I am glad to see all you others are able to relate and understand the anguish and pain this causes.

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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2017, 12:23:04 AM »

Hey Champagne: 
I'm sorry about the trouble you have had with your sister.  I have sister trouble also. My sister happens to be two years older than me as well

I'm glad that you are realizing some changes from therapy and are continuing. Your reference to "mega ___" - sums up the situation for many of us. Did your sister treat anyone else well? Just wondering if you were split black.

My sister presented as the good church-going woman. I just wish she could have treated me like she treated her church friends. 

Do you have any level of contact with your sister at this point?

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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2017, 12:52:48 AM »


Hey Hkb93:   
Congrats on the upcoming wedding. The situation with your sister sounds uncomfortable.
Quote from: hkb93
    I am finding myself wondering... .at what point do you cut toxic people out of your lives? It's so difficult because she's my one and only sibling. I have read two books ("I hate you, don't leave me" and "loving someone with borderline personality disorder". Although helpful in understanding, I do not feel that they help my relationship with my sister at all.   
 
There are a lot of good lessons here on communication tools that can be helpful. A good place to start is with some of the lessons in the "tools" menu within the large green banner at the top of this page.

You can't change your sister, but you can make things better by managing the way you interact and react to her.

Have you tried any communication style with your sister?  Perhaps from something you learned in therapy or from the books you read?


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Champagne

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« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2017, 05:10:57 PM »

Hi all,

Wow, thanks for all your responses! Until a year ago I felt so alone in my struggles with my sister but since starting therapy and now seeing all your responses... .I can see (unfortunately) we are not alone!

@AnnieOz, I'm sorry your sister has gone so long undiagnosed and is still causing so much trouble. I really hope my sister (31) will get help soon but it seems unlikely.

@Newbie, I know what you mean about a veil being lifted when your therapist suggested BPD! It was like all my sister's crazy, erratic behaviour suddenly all made sense. Your experience sounds horrible though - my sister was only occasionally violent and didn't try to kill me (physically anyway, she made a pretty good go of trying to kill my spirit). It's encouraging to hear that you have healed from your relationship with your sister, I'm in the middle of the healing process and I can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel!

@hkb93 congrats on the upcoming wedding! What a minefield with your sister though. I hope you can work through it with her so you can fully enjoy your special day.

@NaughtyNibbler, thanks for the response and questions.

I have two little brothers, and my sister was nothing but sweetness and light to them (they are now 26 and 23, I'm 29). Until they were old enough to know better, my sister would use them to 'gang up' on me and make sure I was excluded at every turn. She would split my parents - whenever she needed anything she would manipulate them to get her way, but her constant behavioural issues meant she had a difficult relationship with them as well. My sister would also be lovely to our church community! She was a master manipulator - lovely to me whilst we were at church of a Sunday morning - and then switch again as soon as we got home. It was exhausting.

My sister got married young (after a string of disastrous relationships) and pregnant straight away. Her marriage broke down after a year and she moved back home for two years. This was the worst - I had had a year of not living with her everyday and suddenly she was back in my life - but worse. My parents told her that a condition of her moving home would be that she would have to be nice to me - she of course wasn't and my parents never held her to that condition.

We haven't had much contact since she moved out of home again ~ 5 years ago except at family events. I developed a great relationship with my nephew when she was living at home with him, and she knows I love him terribly, so she has banned me from having any contact with him and I'm not allowed to see/speak to him. This was very hurtful.

A year ago I decided that I also wasn't going to go to any family events where my sister is - Christmas 2015 was a total disaster and took me a month to recover after her behaviour. My parents supported that decision (after a while - I've always been expected to just suck it up and take it so the whole family can be together - even though its awful!) So - no contact at the moment, while I'm going through the healing process. Who knows what I'll do in the future - I would be open to attending family events again once I feel sufficiently strong enough, but NC with my sister until she demonstrates a concentrated, dedicated willingness to work through her own issues. This has been one of the best decisions I have ever made - I understand it's not for everyone - but recognising that I'm an adult and I don't have to be subjected to her vitriol and hate - has helped immensely and is giving me the space I need to recover.

@Naughty Nibbler, what's your current situation like with your sister? Do you have any contact?
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2017, 07:16:23 PM »

Hey Champagne:   

Good to see you again.  Sounds like you had quite a tough time with your sister.  It must have been tough when she moved back to your parents house, while you were still there.  The most baffling thing for me was to understand how a person with BPD (pwBPD) can seem to have normal relationships with some people, but will single out someone to paint black and  SPLIT

The last time I saw my sister, she told me her church friends told her they thought I was jealous of her.  After my mom's funeral, one of my sister's church friends told me  "she doesn't get along very well with her sister either".  Okay, so no doubt in my mind that my sister's blame game involved bashing me to her friends.  My sister was always on the phone.  The church social circle seemed to have a huge focus on gossip. 

I'm currently not in contact with my uBPD sister, except through her lawyer.  Our parents have both passed and unfortunately, we were both "co" everything when it came to Medical and Financial power of attorneys and a trust our parents had.  We had a tough 6-month period. Our parents went from both being hospitalized at the same time, to the last one dying within a 6-month period. Things went to hell in a hand basket, the moment my sister and I had to work together on issues relative to our parents.  It was 6 months of hell.  Prior to that, my sister and I didn't have much contact, other than family events at our parent's house.  On the occasions when we did have contact, there was never much to have a conflict over.  I surmise that the situation with our parents triggered my sister into a major BPD dysregulation. 

Things should have been over with the trust a long time ago.  We still have a couple things to resolve.  Once the trust business concludes, I've thought about sending my sister a letter to suggest some joint therapy.  I'm uncertain if that will happen, but I've thought about it.  Right after our 2nd parent passed, my sister said that her primary care doctor told her she needed to seek some therapy.  When she told me, I said it would probably be a good idea.  Her response was that she didn't need therapy.  Seems to be the response that most people get form the BPD iin their life.  They won't go to therapy, but those around them do.   

Quote from: Champagne
A year ago I decided that I also wasn't going to go to any family events where my sister is - Christmas 2015 was a total disaster and took me a month to recover. So - no contact at the moment, while I'm going through the healing process. Who knows what I'll do in the future - I would be open to attending family events again once I feel sufficiently strong enough, but NC with my sister until she demonstrates a concentrated, dedicated willingness to work through her own issues.

Has your sister ever had therapy?  What are some of the things your sister did to make Christmas 2015 a disaster? 

The lessons and communication skills here are great to study.  They are actually good for every day life, and to use with friends and coworkers.  Can't go too wrong in mastering some.  Even if your sister doesn't get therapy, the skills could be helpful for you should you choose to attend an event in the future where you sister will attend.

Since my parents have both passed, and my sister is my only sibling, it makes it easier to not be in contact with her.  If one or both of my parents were still alive, I'd probably have to suck it up and attend some family gatherings. 

Have you had a chance to check out any of the communication skills?


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Champagne

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« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2017, 04:29:35 AM »

Hey Naughty Nibbler,

I know what you mean about splitting. When I was younger I didn't understand how she could be so sickly sweet with her friends, and so horrible with me! I'm sure all my sister's friends have heard awful lies about me as well - it's the only way she could justify her behaviour. They are probably blind to her behaviour and have no idea she's uPBD? And yes, any community loves to gossip about its members - it's particularly sad when it's a church community.

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. That time sounds truly awful - having to deal with your sister on top of grieving your parents. I hope it resolves soon so you can grieve properly. That's very noble of you to suggest joint therapy with your sister. What are you hoping to get out of it?

At this point, I'm so focused on pulling out all of her poison from me, once I'm emotionally healed I feel like I'll be happy to never speak to her again! But I think that's just the stage of the healing process that I'm at and once I've come full circle hopefully I will have some compassion for her condition and hope for a reconciliation one day. I know what you mean - it seems everyone else is left to pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath while the uBPD continues to refuse to do anything about it!

My sister has been to therapy, but I'm not sure the extent or type. My mother protects her privacy but has let me know that, like many BPDs, my sister 'splits' with her therapists and can't stay with one for long. What about your sister?

When I see my sister now, such as Christmas 2015, she has definitely mellowed since her teens, but everything she does is still tied to a (deep-down) hurt and I feel like it magnifies everything. My sister refuses to acknowledge my existence - she will dehumanise me and even walk into me as she is passing so it's like she didn't even see me there/I don't exist. I have strong visceral (anxiety) reactions when I'm around her. She wouldn't let her nephew talk to me or play with me, and she took away the presents I gave him and didn't let him play with them. She gave me a shopping bag with all her expired pantry goods in it as a gift (seriously?). Even the way she looks at me is completely denigrating. It had been my brother's birthday just before Christmas, and (this was the first time he had ever stood up to me with my sister) when my sister asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he replied that he wanted her to sort out her issues with me. So, rather than her rage just being directed at me, it was directed to me, my brother and his partner, and my parents (for who knows what). She was 90 minutes late, and stormed out about 3 hours later leaving me in tears and everyone exhausted.

I haven't had a chance to check out the communication skills, but have started dipping into the other fantastic resources on this site. Are you able to direct me to where I can find them?
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enlighten me
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2017, 04:35:48 AM »

Hi Champagne

Ive wondered about pwBPD having a family member as a victim. Could it be possible that her behaviour to you is caused by fear and jealousy. Ive read often that the elder sibling with BPD picks on the immediate younger. As a child when your parents have another child then you are no longer the focus of their attention. This "abandonment" may have been perceived as your fault.

Just wondering what your thoughts on this are.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2017, 08:51:53 PM »

Hey Champagne:  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Quote from: Champagne
That's very noble of you to suggest joint therapy with your sister. What are you hoping to get out of it?

We all have a little different story, but I think my sister pales in comparison to your sister. My sister fits the description of a high-functioning BPD.  She has never had therapy.  She gets a prescription from her primary care doctor for an antidepressant.  After our 2nd parent died, her doctor suggested that she needed some counseling, but she wouldn't go (in her mind, nothing wrong with her)

What would I hope to get out of therapy with my sister?  That's a good question.  I'd like her to get help with anger management, agree with my boundary of no "name calling" and no getting in my face when she is in a rage.  I'd like to talk through some of the events that happened.  I realize it would be ill advised to go through all the issues, but some things need to be discussed.  Like some specific events before and after my dad fell and broke his neck.

Quote from: Champagne
My sister refuses to acknowledge my existence - she will dehumanise me and even walk into me as she is passing so it's like she didn't even see me there/I don't exist. I have strong visceral (anxiety) reactions when I'm around her. She wouldn't let her nephew talk to me or play with me, and she took away the presents I gave him and didn't let him play with them. She gave me a shopping bag with all her expired pantry goods in it as a gift (seriously?)  

Wow!  That is disturbing behavior, and you say she has tamed from her teenage years!  :)oes anyone understand what her deep-down hurt is?   I can see why you have decided to go NC with her.  That behavior doesn't leave you much to work with.  I'm so sorry.  

Quote from: Champagne
At this point, I'm so focused on pulling out all of her poison from me, once I'm emotionally healed I feel like I'll be happy to never speak to her again! But I think that's just the stage of the healing process that I'm at and once I've come full circle hopefully I will have some compassion for her condition and hope for a reconciliation one day.  

Everyone needs to do what is right for them and their situation.  What you are going through is a grieving process.  You might find going through the Survivors Guide to the right of this post.  What step do you think you are on?

Quote from: Champagne
I haven't had a chance to check out the communication skills, but have started dipping into the other fantastic resources on this site. Are you able to direct me to where I can find them?  


A good place to start with skills/tools, is to the large green band at the top of the screen and find the "Tools" menu.  ":)on't be Invalidating" and boundaries are good places to start.  The last link on the "Tools" menu leads to a Workshop Area.  The link below leads to a Workshop Directory.  It can be handy to look through the list and then go the specific Workshop.  It can be helpful if you bookmark some lessons/tools you want to go back to.  

WORKSHOP DIRECTORY:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296645.0

WORKSHOPS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

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hkb93

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« Reply #11 on: January 30, 2017, 09:34:26 PM »

Hi Naughty Nibbler and Champagne,

Thank you for your well wishes! I am so sorry to hear of your relationships with your sisters. It sounds like keeping an emotional distance from them has helped you in your own healing. It feels wrong to cut family out of your life, but my life goes so much better when I do not talk to my sister.

I am so guilty for not seeing her for over a year! And she can never forgive me for any small thing I have said or done. I find myself getting trapped in my own mind of "maybe I AM mean to her" or "what if half the problem is me"?

I have tried many different communication techniques with my sister. I always am conscious to use validation and empathy. But no matter what, she always points out the ONE wrong thing I say instead of the TEN things I say right. For example, I recently graduated college and had a limited number of tickets to give to family/friends to attend the commencement. I texted her, let her know I reserved one for her, and that I hoped she would come. She said she'd have to see if her boyfriend could get off work to come with. I told her I didn't have an extra for him (I gave the rest to my parents, grandparents, and fiance, God forbid) and she never spoke to me since. She didn't show up (Even though she was only an hour and a half away) and never let me know if she was coming. My ticket went to waste! Instead, she went and told my parents that I was "disrespectful" and "nasty" for not inviting her boyfriend... .? It's endless. As you guys know.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am discouraged with some of the communication skills. None of them seem to help or work for me in my relationship with my sister. Maybe I am being too pessimistic.

I am sorry to hear, Champagne, that you experienced all of the awful splitting. My sister often tried to split my parents. She also would treat everyone nicely and sweetly but me at many times. She always blamed me for being the younger, spoiled child (although we both received the same things in life!) She always blamed me for being happier, prettier, and more popular. After a while, you begin to believe the nasty things BPD people say. It's very difficult to keep your head above the water!

I am so glad to know everyone here is out to support each other. It helps immensely.
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Champagne

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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2017, 06:37:03 AM »

Ive read often that the elder sibling with BPD picks on the immediate younger. As a child when your parents have another child then you are no longer the focus of their attention. This "abandonment" may have been perceived as your fault.

Hey enlighten me,
Very interesting - where have you read this? That was often my parents' explanation growing up - that she was just jealous of me, etc etc.

She always blamed me for being happier, prettier, and more popular. After a while, you begin to believe the nasty things BPD people say. It's very difficult to keep your head above the water.


I see hkb93 has also had a similar experience. And I totally know what you mean about believing the things the BPD has told you - especially from such a young age, you genuinely believe you are what they tell you you are. You said your sister was diagnosed - does she accept the diagnosis and is she trying to get better?
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2017, 03:00:39 PM »


Quote from: hkb93
My sister often tried to split my parents. She also would treat everyone nicely and sweetly but me at many times.

I have tried many different communication techniques with my sister. I always am conscious to use validation and empathy. But no matter what, she always points out the ONE wrong thing I say instead of the TEN things I say right

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am discouraged with some of the communication skills. None of them seem to help or work for me in my relationship with my sister. Maybe I am being too pessimistic. 

Hey hkb93 & Champagne:
I was curious about the possibility of being permanently split black, so I did some searching on the Internet.  I found a couple of interesting threads by BPD Family Members.  I, also, found links to a couple of threads at psych message boards, where people with BPD (pwBPD) discuss their thought about when the split people.

BLAME VS. PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY

Have you been split totally black? How do you cope?

From the perspective of someone with BPD - When do you Split Them Black?
https://forums.psychcentral.com/borderline-personality-disorder/406378-when-do-you-split-them-black.html

Can you Overcome Splitting?
www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/69148-can-you-overcome-splitting/

I don't have time to read them thoroughly right now, but I plan to read the threads later.  Perhaps others might want to check out the threads and share some thoughts.


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YellowRose5775
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« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2017, 04:07:16 PM »

It was a huge relief for me when someone suggested my niece may have BPD. That was 5-6 years ago and now my sister is finally entertaining the idea that this is possible. It has literally put a stop to our annual Christmas gatherings and it feels like the family is fractured and most people don't even know why. So sad. I am new here, too and glad to be on board.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2017, 12:10:36 PM »

Hey enlighten me,
Very interesting - where have you read this? That was often my parents' explanation growing up - that she was just jealous of me, etc etc.


Ive read it a number of times on here. Also witnessed my ex wifes behaviour towards her younger brother. Also on sites for pwBPD where they have stated they treated their younger sibling badly.

It makes sense as a younger sibling takes a lot of attention away that the elder would have been used to. If you go from being your parents centre of attention then all of a sudden you are being sidelined then it will feel like abandonment and jealousy can ensue.
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