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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: got the treatment plan for SS`s from T from hell  (Read 427 times)
soundofmusicgirl
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« on: January 28, 2017, 03:40:41 AM »

so the T from hell decided to send us the treatment plan for the my SS`s.
Of course it reads like this: Mom reports that... .(fill in lie xyz). Lots of lies about my husband and the kids.

Well the one big shocker, she says that mom reports that ss1 (the golden child) has threatened to slit his throat and life would be better he was not there.
T consequently decided that he is diagnosed with depressive mood disorder (she is not qualified to make such diagnosis).

Mom had reported a year ago to the paediatrician that ss1 was feeling like a failure and was taking it especially hard when she disciplined him.
My DH and I however have never witnessed any of those moods of ss1 in our presence. Yes, he bottles up his feelings and it is really hard to get him to talk about his real feelings. Yes, he feels that he is responsible for everyones happiness. My husband and I have talked to him about this on several occasions and have shared that he is only responsible for his own feelings and happiness. Of course we believe we know where those feelings come from. Being the constant care taker for  BPD mom does that to you.

How much credence should we give to this report of ss1 threatening to slit his throat?
It definitely worries us!

Oh... and T from hells treatment plan consists of ss's doing a workbook each week they are in therapy.
Hm... .how is that going to help with their anxiety?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2017, 07:46:35 AM »

That is really sad and shocking

When T writes, "Bio mom reports that xyz" that seems pretty standard based on my experience. It is a way to report objectively who said what and where she is drawing her information from. In some ways, it's a good sign that T is not behaving as though these are Ts observations

Even so, she may still be a bad T. 

How old is SS1?

My son had suicidal ideation at 8 years old. Take seriously any talk about not wanting to live -- it may not be her place to diagnose SS but she is recognizing that his comments are atypical and there is a good chance he is on his way to earning this dx at some point in his life. Depression is very situational in kids, I was told. It looks different than how it might in adults. My son's manifested first as somatic complaints, and things like crawling under his desk at school and curling up in the fetal position  

Then it turned into talk about not wanting to live, wanting to throw himself out of the car.

I look back and see that I kept hoping he would bounce back once he got some distance from his BPD dad, and that didn't happen.

Our kids may have genetic sensitivities that predispose them to depression, made worse by having a BPD parent. From what I understand, the depression is triggered by a failure to process catastrophic feelings of sadness during attempts to separate and individuate. The anxiety is a dysfunctional way to prevent those feelings of depression from flooding them, and then come the defensive strategies to deal with the anxiety. In particularly vulnerable kids, they can develop BPD    especially the ones who become deeply enmeshed with their BPD parent. 

LnL
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2017, 08:22:29 AM »

Excerpt
How much credence should we give to this report of ss1 threatening to slit his throat?
It definitely worries us!

My exSD literally made this exact threat and also requested inpatient treatment at that same time.  So I called facilities for her, cause I am a madated reporter and felt that I was obligated to fulfill her wishes of finding her inpatient care since she explicitly asked for it.

Her T asked to see her.  He said no, slitting her throat was not really a true suicide threat. In my head, that didn't make sense and I thought all threats are to be treated as real... .so I really wasn't sure how to back down from sending her inpatient. (Especially since biomom would have claimed mistreatment after child requested such)

Anyway, he said it was more an expression of her stress and wanting to be dramatic about getting attention to end her stress... .he said it really wasn't in same category as a "suicide plan" and had we went to him first with it, he would not have wanted her inpatient even tho that is what she was asking for. (She was trying to remove herself from the parents and put herself on neutral ground, she wasn't trying to kill herself, just end the stress.)

So I am not saying that a kid having thoughts of slitting their throat is not concerning.
I think his point was that it is not the same as a kid with a "suicide plan."
Also not saying it is ever up to anyone but the trained professionals to judge.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2017, 12:29:21 PM »

Thank you for your responses.

ss1 is 10 yrs old. I absolutely believe that he is experiencing a lot of stress. I believe he is feeling really torn between having to follow BPDmoms orders and being her caretake and support and not knowing how to build a relationship with a father that he really wants but yet is constantly being punished for by his mother.

The T from hell said that ss1 feels anxiety over our Skype calls. Again it does not surprise me. After all he is not allowed to have a normal conversation with us because he has been instructed by his mother that he is not allowed to share any information with us. She sets a timer for them to let them know when they have to finish the call and he does not get to decide. In fact he is being made responsible for coaching his brother on what to say to us and he is being sent in by his mother to talk us "to satisfy Dads demands". And if his brother talks after the timer goes off ss1 is sent in to remind his brother to end the call.

livednlearned what do you exactly mean with the sadness they feel over separating and individuating?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2017, 01:54:37 PM »

livednlearned what do you exactly mean with the sadness they feel over separating and individuating?

Masterson (a psychologist who theorized about the development of PDs) talks about an abandonment depression in the toddler years that can stunt or arrest the healthy development of the self.

Confronted with the reality that a mother is not available (whether physically or psychologically), a child will experience difficult emotions like fear or sadness.

A healthy mom will reassure the child that separation and individuation is safe.
An emotionally resilient child will be able to separate and individuate regardless of a difficult environment.

An unhealthy mom will discourage the child from separating or individuating -- she may equate independence with danger.
An emotionally vulnerable child may never develop a healthy self if his mom discourages him from separating or individuating.

The sadness about separating or individuating is normal. In unhealthy environments (what some refer to as invalidating environments), this sadness can be catastrophic. It can cause depression because there is a failure to develop a healthy self separate from mom, stunting the natural development process.

The anxiety begins as a protective measure to shield the child from the devastation felt about separation.

You can see it in the kids, and you can see it in BPD mom. She has such extreme anxiety about separation and individuation via her kids. Separation and individuation is dangerous to her, which is why she is the way she is, exerting these pressures on her own kids.

My T explained that to a BPD parent, separation from a loved one/target (child in this case) is a form of annihilation.

Then they pass that on to the child
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« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2017, 02:17:05 PM »

My SO's D15 made suicidal threats as well and she/we had the good fortune that she made them at school so mandatory reporting was required. She was admitted inpatient that crisis finally got her the help she needed. 

What led up to this... .

The court in all of it's wisdom gave uBPDmom Therapy "decision making" (put the fox in charge of the hen house!) as part of the divorce decree.  She found a Therapist for the girls that had poor boundaries and also believed mom's victim mentality.  This Therapist was ineffective as mom was able to pressure both the girls and therapist.  She even crashed one of D15 sessions with the Therapist. 

D15 was also the sensitive peacemaker and could be her mother's scapegoat as well.  During the divorce when mom was alienating the kids from their father D15 still wanted to see him still wanted to live with her parents 50/50.  During the divorce the drama triangle was being presented to the kids as mom/victim, dad/persecutor and the kids/rescuers.  That is a lot of pressure to put on a D15 (10 at the time) and D20 (15 at the time).  No child should be put in that position.  Beyond the pressure to have to "pick" a parent, mom was also making a lot of false promises, she was going to buy them a house, and a car, and dance lessons and... .and... .and... .The girls were let down over and over again by their mom. Then the cherry on top was mom's first of three evictions.  A lot of drama and dysfunction.

All of this became too much for D15 (just 13 at the time) and she said she felt like killing herself at school.  So inpatient she went and in my mind it was one of the most painful/best things that ever could have happened to her.  Finally someone was seeing her issues... .for that matter seeing the whole family's issues.  She was inpatient for 2 weeks with limited contact with her parents (I think that was a really good thing, mom was excellent at blowing FOG).

At this time the girl's therapist decided to move her practice to another city (to which mom said she would "follow her to the ends of the earth"  ).  That is when D15 got a new therapist who sees moms issues and who has boundaries so mom can't interfere with D15 treatment.  D15 was diagnosed with PTSD and is on anti-anxiety medication.  Over the last two years as she has gotten healthier the relationship with her mom has continued to deteriorate it now consists of texting and phone calls, very few face to face visits her mom and particularly her mom's false promises are very triggering. 

I guess the point of all this is that yes there is all kinds of pressure put on these kids to not abandon their BPDmom like their father did and a million ways to express that pressure.  I would be concerned by the statement and express concern to the T "from Hell" and ask what kind of treatment SS10 has been receiving since then specifically to address this issue.

Panda39


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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2017, 10:55:37 AM »

In our experience... .SD12 was 9 years old when DH and I got engaged. uBPDbm sent us a message that SD had said she would kill herself if we got married. Then uBPDbm blocked DH from being able to talk to SD on the phone or see her. So even though we were pretty sure it wasn't true, we did our diligence and reported it to the school counselor (who reported it to CPS).

It turns out it was uBPDbm who had made that threat ("if they get married I will kill myself", but she projected it onto SD. So this may be the case. Mom's suicide ideation being projected onto SS.

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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2017, 07:10:03 AM »

It might be a good idea to send it to the school councilor. Especially since BPDmom has been hiding information from them and has been playing games.

I am inclined to send them the full treatment plan (which is just 2 pages but includes all of the "mom reports... " lies about my DH). After all we got nothing to hide and that way the school councilor can see that my DH is not making up stuff.

Also ss1 teacher told us as recent as November that he is doing really well in school and was rather surprised when we mentioned his anxietis. She said they saw none of that at school.

This might be a good way to bring to light the crapt that is happening at home.

This is the same therapist from hell that said that ss2 was a danger to others in school and therefore has a one on one aid full time. We had sent that tidbit already on to the special ed teacher who has worked with ss2 for several years now and she said that that is simply not true and that ss2 was and never has been a danger to anyone.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2017, 11:16:07 PM »

Thank you for suggesting to involve the school. My DH sent an email with the whole report to the school psychologist, principle, special ed teacher and ss1's teacher.

The school psychologist immediately replied she will talk to ss1 today (Friday) and that she was in his classroom when he shared his report (pictures and treats) about his visit with us over christmas. She said he seemed happy about it and had a good time.

The special ed teacher also immediately replied and said that she had not observed any of that behaviour in school. That the only behaviour she had observed was ss1 fighting and roughhousing with his twin brother.

In the end I think this will show how crazy BPDmom is and how she is inventing stuff about the children.

On further reading the treatment plan (I was so furious the first time I read it that some of it slipped my mind) BPDmom lists as a strength of ss1 that "he protects her and his brother".  Ha ha... .that therapist from hell really has no clue. I would think that any therapist would see this as a red flag and note that a child should never be the role of protector.
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bravhart1
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« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2017, 07:25:49 AM »

I'm curious to know if T had any input from father before writing this report? Most T would have have both patents complete questionnaires and other input of behaviours before being willing to present any type of diagnosis. Since you and DH are not seeing the same behaviours, and neither is the school faculty, was it only moms accounting of child's behaviour? There would need to be some outside input besides mom... .

If not,  then I would venture this report is not worth the paper it's printed on.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2017, 01:33:11 PM »

bravehart1... the entire report is build only on what BPD mom reports to the therapist. The T refuses to speak to my husband and has completely bought into every little detail that mom is telling her. That is why we call her " T from hell" as she operates completely outside of all ethics.

I believe the school /teachers are starting to see that something is off with BPDmom because the school has refuted two of the weird reports of the therapist /BPDmom that my DH forwarded to the school to ask wether they see any of what the T and BPDmom are reporting.
The school says that they have never seen any of the behaviours that BPDmom has reported to the therapist. DH also asked the school psychologist to have a conversation with SS`s and she says she sees none of the things that are in the report.
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« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2017, 11:41:11 AM »

It's tough because my husband would say the same thing - "I don't see anything you're talking about when it comes to SD17" - when it came to SD's anxiety.  

And we don't.

Her mom went behind my husband's back and obtained treatment for her, including anti-anxiety medication ~ and when my husband found out was pretty upset because he, too, thought that this was another way that mom didn't handle a situation very well.

But then... .

She got in trouble at school for marijuana use. Threatened to kill herself. And all the dark secrets poured out. :'(

I've learned in this that sometimes there is some level of validity. I think my stepdaughters' mom tends to blow things out of proportion when it's unnecessary, but that tends to be a BPD skill in how they deal with hard situations. So while I don't take everything she says at face value (with all her catastrophic thinking), I think it's important not to just write off how a child is presenting themselves at the other house. I learned early on that a child will "act out" in the home they feel the safest.  

I'd be really frustrated with this therapist... .

It's unheard of to not allow one parent to be involved. Most therapists want it. I've dealt with 5 different therapists when it comes to my kids and my husband's kids (I can't believe that I just wrote that) and every single one encouraged it -- and my oldest son's reached numerous times to his dad who didn't want to be involved.

I just don't see how she even can think there is validity to her reports when she won't communicate with the boys' dad.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #12 on: February 24, 2017, 04:38:55 AM »

DreamGirl you are right. We do not dismiss everything that is written in the reports. But I am sure that about 90 % of what BPDmom reports is projection.
There is no doubt that my SS`s have problems and need therapy. The report says that BPDmom reports that ss1 (the all good child) has threatened to slit his throat and that the world be better without him).  So, why does he feel that way (if he really does feel that way?

After learning more and more about attachment based alienation I understand very well what this poor child is feeling. 
I have no doubt that inside he feels completely torn up. His teacher just told us this week that he never asks for any help. That she has to enrouge him to seek help with little things in the classroom. Why does a child feel like it can`t ask for help? And then BPDmom reports that she finds ss1 strenght is "that he protects her and his brother".
? If I would be a therapist I would perk up my ears and try to find out why this child feels this way when mom is the primary care taker.

But I am also very cautious about BPDmom so called "reports". For years she has been saying that ss1 has abandonement issus and suffers from seperation anxiety (projection much?). If a child truly suffers from seperation anxiety, that would definitely be someething to be noticed in a school setting. We might not notice it, because he feels comfortable with us. But if he truly suffers from seperation anxiety then he would have a really hard time going to school. And he does not.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2017, 12:53:16 AM »

The saga continues. We found out through pure chance last night that T from hell has changed employer. And apparently my ss have gone with her to the new agency.
Of course neither BPDmom nor T from hell informed my husband about this change.

DH is thinking of calling the new employer and talk to the clinical director to explain the outrageous and absolutely unethical behavior of this therapist and to ask wether his children can be assigend to a different T in that office.

Wish us luck.
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