How have you survived with infidelity?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,
Just My BPD hub has cheated on me 6 times with prostitutes (that I know of). Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the last time (hopefully) that he cheated on me. Long story short: Just hrs after I told him I had to have a heart procedure, he scheduled a hook-up with a prostitute. He went to the hospital with me, then intentionally caused me stress in pre-op until I had to ask him to leave bc I was so stressed out by him. He went and had sex with her during my surgery & of course lied about his whereabouts. I had no idea until days later when he 'fessed up.

I am a fairly forgiving person, but only if someone genuinely appears remorseful. I'm all for 2nd (& millionth) chances. But since this date last year, he has attempted, but cancelled, another scheduled prostitute, and just one month ago, said that if I didn't have sex with him on his bday, that he would "get it from someone else."

If you have been cheated on by your BPD SO, have you forgiven? Have you attempted to forgive? Is he/she authentic in his/her remorse? How do you deal with continued mistrust/suspicion?

[bananas2]

Hi all,
Just My BPD hub has cheated on me 6 times with prostitutes (that I know of). Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the last time (hopefully) that he cheated on me. Long story short: Just hrs after I told him I had to have a heart procedure, he scheduled a hook-up with a prostitute. He went to the hospital with me, then intentionally caused me stress in pre-op until I had to ask him to leave bc I was so stressed out by him. He went and had sex with her during my surgery & of course lied about his whereabouts. I had no idea until days later when he 'fessed up.

I am a fairly forgiving person, but only if someone genuinely appears remorseful. I'm all for 2nd (& millionth) chances. But since this date last year, he has attempted, but cancelled, another scheduled prostitute, and just one month ago, said that if I didn't have sex with him on his bday, that he would "get it from someone else."

If you have been cheated on by your BPD SO, have you forgiven? Have you attempted to forgive? Is he/she authentic in his/her remorse? How do you deal with continued mistrust/suspicion?

[bananas2]

wondering if anyone on the board goes to an actual in-person support group for families of pwBPD? I checked online for my local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) & was put in touch with a local NAMI BPD group. When I called, I was told that there is a local support group that meets once a month, but that I'd be the only person there that had a spouse with BPD - everyone else was a parent of a pwBPD. The contact person was very welcoming, but I decided not to go bc I already feel "parental" enough to my hub without hearing and relating to actual parents.
So, wondering if you attend a support group, are there others there that have a BPD SO or is it strictly parents of child with BPD?

[infjEpic]

I'm not trying to be cruel here, but I rewrote you post, because I would like you to take another look at what you are asking:

I rewrote your post as follows:

My BPD hub has broken my nose on me 6 times  (that I know of). Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the last time (hopefully) that he broke my nose on me.

Long story short:
Just hrs after I told him I had to have a heart procedure, he scheduled to physically assault me. He went to the hospital with me, then intentionally caused me stress in pre-op until I had to ask him to leave bc I was so stressed out by him. He went and broke my nose during my surgery & of course lied about his whereabouts. I had no idea until days later when he 'fessed up.

I am a fairly forgiving person, but only if someone genuinely appears remorseful. I'm all for 2nd (& millionth) chances. But since this date last year, he has attempted, but cancelled, another attempt to break my nose, and just one month ago, said that if I didn't have sex with him on his bday, that he would break my nose

If you have has your nose broken by your BPD SO, have you forgiven?
I couldn't condone something asking me, how to get over assault.
What you are asking is essentially the same thing here.

How do you deal with continued mistrust/suspicion?

You can learn to ignore your instincts, but you will be living in a veritable HELL of anxiety (I speak from experience)

You are not mistrustful/suspicious or paranoid.
He is continuously cheating on you. And triangulating.

You're in an abusive relationship, and you're struggling to find a way to rationalise the abuse.
I'm not criticising you - because I've been there!

But you have already been for heart surgery - and you MUST step back from this situation, before it has grave consequences for you.

[bananas2]

Epic - Thank you for putting things in perspective and for not judging.
Interesting that you chose "broke my nose," bc he's done that twice too. But I must qualify that the reason I'm on this "staying/improving" section is bc I'm severely physically disabled and therefore unable to leave. I've asked for advice from other members about where I should post, and have always been told to post here, since I CAN'T physically leave, I can try to improve relationship, which is my only choice. I've left a few times, but he's traced my phone and come and physically dragged me home. He also called police twice when I left, telling them I was "unstable." He has a relative on police force who regularly sides with him, so I have no recourse in calling police. Also a few times blocked my exit to the door & took my car keys so I could not leave. I feel my only choice is to stay and try to make things better for own mental health & well-being.
I sincerely appreciate your input. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.
P.S - I also worked as a domestic violence shelter worker for several years, so I fully understand the abuse that is happening here.

[infjEpic]

Physically disabled or not, nobody should have to endure this. A prisoner is not expected to endure this.

I assume you are US based - I am not from or resident in the US, so I don't know what assistance is available to you.
Perhaps other members could advise here?

Have you reported the physical assault to the police?

[bananas2]

Epic -
I have reported to police. Hub has close relative in police dept. One police officer told us privately that he "gets physical with his wife too, so no big deal." I brought this up in court when I was a witness. Judge was absolutely infuriated & told them to internally investigate their dept. Haha. As if. They subsequently got rid of their chief of police & promoted sergeant (who was on witness stand) to chief. Nothing I can do now except work on this relationship from my end.

[Grey Kitty]

I was going to ask about the infidelity issues; I had a few ideas/questions... .but that seems considerably less important right now. The abuse is a much bigger issue.

And what infjEpic said--what you went through is absolutely NOT OK.

Since the police haven't been able to help you, are there other resources? Try calling a women's shelter. If there isn't a local one, try one in another city in the same state. They might be able to help you get around the police department that is protecting your husband.

[BPDFamily]

The OP is hosting a topic on Infidelity Recovery and Forgiveness. It's important that we respect the OP (originating posters) leadership of their own recovery and stay on topic.

Whenever domestic issues are raised, we privately ask members to take a MOSAIC test to establish risk assessment. We also ask supporting members to review the crisis protocols.

[Skip]

I checked online for my local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) & was put in touch with a local NAMI BPD group. When I called, I was told that there is a local support group that meets once a month, but that I'd be the only person there that had a spouse with BPD - everyone else was a parent of a pwBPD. The contact person was very welcoming, but I decided not to go bc I already feel "parental" enough to my hub without hearing and relating to actual parents.

Hi Washington+Lee,

I think you are very much on the right track here. A monthly face to face support group (in additional to your work here) would be good. In addition to gaining some knowledge, you would have others able to reflect back to you on period intervals of how they see your life progressing. This would be invaluable.

My suggestion would be to audit the BPD family group once and get a feel for it. The DBT tools are universal. You could also inquire about other NAMI groups.

Their are also "Surviving Infidelity" groups for couples. You may not be ready for that, but that Infidelity recovery is really a two person undertaking.

"[he] said that if I didn't have sex with him on his bday, that he would "get it from someone else."

What is the backstory here? How is your physical relationship?

[Meili]

I had to deal with infidelity in my relationship with my uBPDexgf. It was very difficult and damaging. Her cheating on me further destroyed my sense of self-worth. It added to the "you're not good enough" self-image. As a result, I had to deal with it not only from the relationship standpoint, but also internally.  The former was much easier.

On the relationship side of things, I had to define and maintain boundaries while I worked on rebuilding my trust for her. It was a matter of deciding what was acceptable to me and what I would no longer tolerate. I had to protect my core values.

Along with that was the trust. I kept boundaries in place that would allow her to show me whether or not I could trust her again while protecting myself. I let her back in on an intimate level slowly. When she would approach a boundaries, I would respond according to what I had pre-determined.

Each of us is different and so are our boundaries. We all have different perspectives and biases. What is acceptable to one may not be to another. Also, the consequences of the boundaries being crossed are unique. Those are things that you are going to have to decide.

Now, the damage to my self-esteem was a bit harder to cope with. I had to re-learn, or perhaps learn for the first time, that I am worthy and good enough just as I am. That her cheating on me was not a reflection of who I am, it was her showing who she was.

It was really difficult for me to not internalize what she did and not believe that I was not enough for her and that she had to go find sexual intimacy somewhere else. I believed that at first, but ultimately came to understand that it wasn't about me at all.

[Grey Kitty]

Your H cheating on you with a prostitute is a different form of cheating than the typical affair you read more about here, because it is avoiding any kind of relationship which could be at all similar to the one you have with your H.

Dan Savage (a sex & relationship advice columnist) once said something really interesting about hiring a sex worker: You are paying them to go away when you are done, almost more than paying them for sex... .there are many ways to find somebody who will have sex with you, but "normal" ones tend to expect a relationship along with it, and you can avoid all that.

No, that doesn't justify anything, but perhaps it helps you understand what your H is doing?

But since this date last year, he has attempted, but cancelled, another scheduled prostitute, and just one month ago, said that if I didn't have sex with him on his bday, that he would "get it from someone else."

If he has a repeated interest like this, it is really hard to trust that he's going to stop looking for prostitutes.

Regarding his birthday, that's a really nasty and ugly threat.

Also regarding his birthday, it seems to me reasonable that he would want to have sex and you would be willing unless there were special circumstances, so he wouldn't normally need to make the ugly threat.

If any of this is too personal, you don't have to answer, but I'm wondering about your sex life--Is it good when it happens? Does he want sex more often than you do?

[bananas2]

Grey Kitty -
I agree that having sex with a prostitute is different than an affair. It appears to me that his sole motivation for seeking out a sex worker is purely physical. I have a high sex drive, and while I enjoy that he does too, his is MUCH higher than mine - off the charts. He wants sex everyday and often right afterward he will start talking about having it again (or several more times) within the next few hours. I can't keep up. We rarely go more than a few days without it, and when we do it's only bc he is tired from work or I'm fatigued or in pain from my chronic illness.
Every time he has gone to a prostitute or threatened to is when he was dysregulating and we weren't being physically intimate for a few days bc I didn't want to be around him bc of his behavior at the time. That's what triggered him before his bday. We had not been intimate for a few days bc he was having a "Mr. Hyde" episode, so I guess he assumed that I wouldn't want to sleep with him on his bday. That's when he said he would "get it elsewhere." Of course, later he said he didn't really mean it & that I should have known he wouldn't do it, since he doesn't do that anymore. I think he was trying to cause me emotional pain bc he was feeling hurt and abandoned.
Of course none of his excuses justifies his behavior.
I'm learning to tell him that I want to be more physically & emotionally intimate with him & be more attentive to him when he is acting "appropriately." I tell him that I am very attracted to him when he is being kind, responsible, and selfless. This seems to help. But I'm only human, and sometimes I can't help but express my anger & withdraw from him when he starts his drama.

[Grey Kitty]

Perspective on one aspect: He wants more sex than you do:

As I see it, there isn't a "right" amount of sex to want. Some people have a higher sex drive than other people.

As a couple, you are compatible if you want the same amount... .and incompatible if you want different amounts. There may have to be some compromise or meeting in the middle, or creative solutions when the two of you don't agree.

The two of you would have some conflict around this, even without any mental illness or bad behavior, although I would hope that the conflict would be resolved better in that case!

Every time he has gone to a prostitute or threatened to is when he was dysregulating and we weren't being physically intimate for a few days bc I didn't want to be around him bc of his behavior at the time. That's what triggered him before his bday.

It is normal, natural, and healthy that you don't want physical intimacy when he's dysregulating.

And I can see how he would easily escalate things at that point, and this obviously upsets you, so it is a good way to escalate. Note: I'm not saying he does it in a knowing, calculating way to hurt you. People (BPD or non-) seem to intuitively/instinctively find hurtful things to do/say to an intimate partner at these times.

Thinking about it, this seems more like a threat than an actual desire to see a sex worker on his part. Even if he does follow through.