Not allowed to see the dxBPDso's kids...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,
Some backstory for you:
I met the kids 4.5 years ago. The youngest was 1. The eldest was 4. My ex-partner is diagnosed with BPD. I have not seen my dxBPDso since last fall, I think in October. I haven't seen the kids since then either. I was very close to the kids; we saw each other 2-3 times a week, up until early last summer. As, I said, the youngest was 1 when we all began spending time together (as I entered into a multiple recycles relationship with their Mother). Even when the Mom and I were split apart, we kept visits open, so that the children wouldn't have any idea about starting and stopping of the relationship between dxBPDso and I.

Well, the typical story; My awareness and education of the disorder through bpdfamily and members increased over time. I became more aware of strategies, with an increasing loss of hope in the relationship.
Eventually, my dxBPDso declared that I was not to visit the kids anymore. It has been such a big disappointment. Even though I am not their father, I love them. I especially miss the youngest, who was pretty attached to me.

I've been dating, meeting new people and living my life. Working, travelling, going out and living for quite a while now. I miss the good parts of my dxBPDso; yet NONE of the rest. I am not grieving the X, nor have I for a very long time. I came to the very real conclusion that they were not to be trusted. It took me a long while to realize that it was dangerous to place myself in their proximity.

And so now, I am simply left with nothing. I miss the kids SO much. It brings tears to my eyes. I think about them every day. There is nothing I can do. And, yet I don't know what to do. All I can do is grieve. I saw a picture of the youngest today on social-media. The youngest didn't look that great. It made me have to come to bpdfamily fast. If anyone has anything relevant to say, it would be appreciated.

At a loss,
Circle

[Circle]

Hello,
Some backstory for you:
I met the kids 4.5 years ago. The youngest was 1. The eldest was 4. My ex-partner is diagnosed with BPD. I have not seen my dxBPDso since last fall, I think in October. I haven't seen the kids since then either. I was very close to the kids; we saw each other 2-3 times a week, up until early last summer. As, I said, the youngest was 1 when we all began spending time together (as I entered into a multiple recycles relationship with their Mother). Even when the Mom and I were split apart, we kept visits open, so that the children wouldn't have any idea about starting and stopping of the relationship between dxBPDso and I.

Well, the typical story; My awareness and education of the disorder through bpdfamily and members increased over time. I became more aware of strategies, with an increasing loss of hope in the relationship.
Eventually, my dxBPDso declared that I was not to visit the kids anymore. It has been such a big disappointment. Even though I am not their father, I love them. I especially miss the youngest, who was pretty attached to me.

I've been dating, meeting new people and living my life. Working, travelling, going out and living for quite a while now. I miss the good parts of my dxBPDso; yet NONE of the rest. I am not grieving the X, nor have I for a very long time. I came to the very real conclusion that they were not to be trusted. It took me a long while to realize that it was dangerous to place myself in their proximity.

And so now, I am simply left with nothing. I miss the kids SO much. It brings tears to my eyes. I think about them every day. There is nothing I can do. And, yet I don't know what to do. All I can do is grieve. I saw a picture of the youngest today on social-media. The youngest didn't look that great. It made me have to come to bpdfamily fast. If anyone has anything relevant to say, it would be appreciated.

At a loss,
Circle

[Turkish]

Circle,

Is obvious you love those kids a lot 

It's sad,  even tragic,  that you and they were cut off from each other, especially when it had nothing to do with them.  One would hope that they might reach out to you someday,  but it's hard with kids this young.  Years at that age may feel like decades.  You not only lost her, but you lost a family.  That hurts.

I wish I had a panacea to heal broken relationships,  especially when young kids are involved. Grieving loss is an unfortunate bane of the human condition.  How are you dealing with your grief?

T

[Circle]

I wish I had a panacea to heal broken relationships,  especially when young kids are involved. Grieving loss is an unfortunate bane of the human condition.  How are you dealing with your grief?

Hey Turkish,
Thanks for the reply.
Mostly, I'm just burying it. I think about them; yet try not to dwell to long on it. And, then when I see a picture of them, it's just sad. I feel like there must be something I can do; and yet, I realize I can't. And, at the same time, even though it's not true, I feel like I have abandoned them. When in reality, I did everything in my power, over and over again to keep a connection going with them. I have no legal course of action. There is nothing I can do. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Circle,

Turkish has nice words.
Just wanted to say I relate, fwiw.
Grieved the loss of my SD.  We had a special relationship, then he started alienating me from her while we all lived together cause he was jealous.  So I grieved a loss while in the relationship.  Then I grieved again after the break up, knowing she would not be able to keep contact via phone and such. (It being monitored and such)  She was old enough that I thought we were going to be able to keep in touch via text or email or such, and that could have been the case... .had he not alienated her from me.  He kept putting blocks to my access to her.

Anyway... .
I have often wondered if she will reach out in years to come when she is adult, want to hear from me things that are generally supportive. (Not gossip or bashing of course) Maybe magical thinking, idk.  I sometimes wish to reach out to folks from the past and thank them for a few words they said or small actions they did that they didn't know had a huge impact on me.

[Circle]

Just wanted to say I relate, fwiw.
Grieved the loss of my SD.  We had a special relationship, then he started alienating me from her while we all lived together cause he was jealous.  So I grieved a loss while in the relationship.  Then I grieved again after the break up, knowing she would not be able to keep contact via phone and such. (It being monitored and such)  She was old enough that I thought we were going to be able to keep in touch via text or email or such, and that could have been the case... .had he not alienated her from me.  He kept putting blocks to my access to her.

Thanks for relating, Sunfl0wer, I appreciate it!
What a drag that he had to alienate you two. Of course, it all comes back to him, exisisting in his own alien-nation. Perhaps you and his daughter will meet again. I hope that you do. And, that you are able to find peace with the situation, however it turns out.

I have considered deleting our social media connection; which I've never done before. Simply, so that I can not see the development of the family. It just makes it worse, because I have no recourse; I can't protest the situation. Yet, I don't want to make a rash decision that
I will regret later. Perhaps I am simply grasping at actions, since I have been forced into paralysis.

Thanks again Sunfl0wer!

[takingandsending]

Circle and Sunfl0wer,

I feel for you both. My older brother had an on/off relationship with a uBPD alcoholic mother. Her sons were <1 and 3 at the start. My brother was the only father for those boys for 6 years on and off. When he left, he was gradually cut off from communicating with the boys. It was very hard. Hard for me to, since they were my "nephews", and I loved them very much.

As the boys grew into adulthood, they both contacted him. Don't give up hope. His role is greatly less in their lives, which hurt all of them, but he still is there for them. That's what parents or any loving family  do. 

[Circle]

As the boys grew into adulthood, they both contacted him. Don't give up hope. His role is greatly less in their lives, which hurt all of them, but he still is there for them. That's what parents or any loving family  do. 

Thankyou for the hopeful message! I guess there is always a possibility that fifteen years from now, the kids will contact me. What do you think about keeping our social media connection? Should I delete it, in your opinion? Of course, I'll make my own decision; I'm curious what others think though.

[takingandsending]

I am pretty clueless when it comes to social media. Maybe for now if there is a way to filter it until you have allowed yourself time to grieve this loss, that may keep the connection but buffer the daily hits? Be kind to yourself. You opened your heart to these children. Be gentle with that opening - it's a really tender and good place called vulnerability. Do your best to leave that place open.

[Circle]

Takingandsending,
That is a good point. I will keep it open to some degree. I really had not thought of it that way; thanks. I think detaching from the social media, in general, would do me some good anyhow. I heard about a study done, announced on the radio, that found it generally lowers one's sense of well being after using it. Have a good day.

[Sunfl0wer]

Wanted to share something hopeful.
I shared somewhere around here, wish I could look up history and find it, I'm grounded tho, .

Anyways, I am doing my trauma therapy. We are doing a bit of EMDR, some ACR, etc, just doing what is needed for the session.

So as we are working on reprocessing my years of 0-3 I begin having flashes.  Now, I was a RAD baby who didn't cry at ALL! I did not know what it was like to express a need and have someone respond.  I was actually mute until teen yrs.  so part of me always wonders why I didn't turn out like some deranged feral lunatic when I know I suffered great trauma beginning at birth until after adulthood.

Anyway, back to the flashes.  Amongst all those horrific memories and flashes, I actually found an imprint and memory of something wonderful. Somehow something wonderful got wired into my emotional networking system?

It was a flash of my "family" leaving me as an infant as they went on vacation.  They left me with an expectant mom (and dad) who was full of joy in anticipating the birth of their first child.  They played house with me and treated me like they would their own child who they were joyously anticipating.

Now I cannot at all recall if I was left for one week or two, that is not important.

What is important is that part of me carried within me this image of what a mom was supposed to be like and how a person is to be loved and cared for.

So while I do not actually recall her changing me or feeding me or such, I do recall being older, like 7 or such and recall her retelling the story of how she placed me in her own sons crib and I heard the joy in her voice and I felt a glow in me knowing that how I was being treated by "mom" was wrong and knowing that there was a better way and knowing I wanted this better way for all kids, my own kids one day.  I for that moment understood what it meant to be lovable, and knew this is what I deserved.

So just saying this because even if I never see my SD again in the future... .
Even if she mostly forgets me or dad paints me black to her... .
(But I suspect she will not forget me as she was old enough and it was over 5 yrs)

I do hope she carries within her some glow of what we had some body memory, or emotional memory that is in her and exists, that I listened to her and cared for parts of her that her parents were ignoring. (She was treated as a source of narc supply vs her own person) I don't care if she relates it to me ever or not.  I am just glad to have had the privelege of being part of her life and hope inside somewhere she is left with a positive impression of something herself.

Um, sorry that came out sounding all histrionic or such but that is kinda how it comes up in my mind, oops, !

[Circle]

Sunfl0wer,
That made perfect sense and didn't sound histrionic at all.
It is a wonderful point. And, a great insight; cool that you were able to tap into that memory!
Thanks for sharing.

I hope I had a positive impact on the kids too. I feel that I did. Minus them witnessing the X and I argue, that is. And, minus any trauma that was created by my absence. Though, I am not sure any trauma manifested from my absence; as they are both quite young. And, I went to great pains, after the recycles started, not to spend the night at X's home. I didn't want the kids to perceive me as a father-figure.

Another positive, from my term with the family, was the reappearance of the father himself. I showed some support toward him. While I was still there, so was he; doing visitations. And, he had begun to reconnect with his kids. I'm just tired of being a cog in other people's outcomes.

Anyhow, sounds like you are doing good work Sunfl0wer. Keep it up!