Narcissistic mother

[Rey]

Hello,

I don't know where to start or where I fit in on this website but I am dealing with a narcissistic mother that even uses my friends against me.
I'm wondering if anybody is dealing with the same or a similar situation.

[Mutt]

Hi Rey,



I'd like like welcome you to  bpdfamily. I can see how distressing that would feel when your parent has control of your friend's. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I don't have narcissistic parent, I do have a father that is very self centered and has anxiety disorder and ADHD traits. I'm sure that somebody else here has a similar story.

I'm glad that you decided to join us, this is a place where you can s:are your thoughts and feelings without being judged or invalidated. You're not alone.

Are you in contact with your mother? Has she tried to turn your friends against you again? Can you describ the narcissistic behaviors?

[Kwamina]

Hi Rey

I would like to join Mutt in welcoming you to our online community.

Dealing with narcissistic people can be quite challenging and also quite unsettling and draining. Could you perhaps tell us a bit more about your mother's behavior? What are the things she says and does that lead you to classify her as narcissistic?

You also mention that your mother uses your friends against you. In what ways does she use them against you?

Take care and I hope to read more from you later

The Board Parrot

[Rey]

Thank you Mutt and Kwamina for answering.
It has been a long and disturbing route. It all started when I was a child. My mother is always comparing me with other people my age and discrediting everything I do, trying to tell me that those other people are better. She even told a lady last year (while I was standing right next to her) that she has to constantly rescue me, since I'm constantly failing in life and that I haven't achieved anything in life. Quick summary: I finished high school, did an associates degree and worked very hard, I got married relatively young with 23 and my marriage failed, then I started my Bachelors degree that I finished 2015 with a GPA of 3.6. Now I'm working on a MBA online and recently got married again. I am in contact with my mother but rarely and only for the reason of my elderly father. That she turned my friend against me just happened last week. Since I'm living in America and my parents are in Europe it was easy for her because my friend started staying at my parents house in order to have a shorter way to university. There are so many stories I could tell that are unbelievable and some days it doesn't face me as much as other days but overall it's pretty bad and I have a hard time dealing with this. My husband is very understanding and tries to settle me down and explain why she is the way she is (he has a little psychology background). He also tries to build up my self-esteem. I'm open for suggestions or other people stories. Sometimes I'm not sure what to think of myself being treated like this since I was a child.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Rey

She even told a lady last year (while I was standing right next to her) that she has to constantly rescue me, since I'm constantly failing in life and that I haven't achieved anything in life.

It is quite hurtful that your mother says these things about you. It appears that she might be projecting her own inner turmoil and negativity onto you, quite possibly to feel better about herself. Her words and actions aren't a reflection of who you really are at all though. Her behavior stems from her distorted thinking and perception. Keeping this in mind can make it somewhat easier not to take her behavior personally and not let it get to you too much. This is easier said than done though, I realize that.

I finished high school, did an associates degree and worked very hard, I got married relatively young with 23 and my marriage failed, then I started my Bachelors degree that I finished 2015 with a GPA of 3.6. Now I'm working on a MBA online and recently got married again.

You've clearly achieved a lot in your life We all experience 'failures' or things that might not go so well. Failing or making a mistake, does not make you a mistake though, it just makes you human.

I am glad you have a supportive husband. Looking back at your first post, I also want to say that you definitely fit in here  As you get started here, I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. You can find it in the right hand-side margin of this board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now? Are there any areas listed there that you currently particularly find yourself struggling on or would like to work on?

[Rey]

Hello Kwamina,

thank you for your post. So I took a look at the survivors guide and I think I'm still mostly in the remembering stage. Since my mother is the worst when I'm in a relationship/marriage I have documented the last 3,5 years of her abuse. Because I have a hard time remembering what she did in the past (call it good or bad), I guess my mind is protecting itself from going crazy. So because I am writing all this down, I guess I'm also partially in the mourning stage trying to handle the feeling, but that is were I get stuck. Because every time I read over the "diary" I get sad, angry, exhausted and I feel almost like hate towards her. And I don't know how to handle that. I don't get aggressive, I mostly start crying and my poor husband deals with me. It's not affecting my marriage since he is strong and has the psychological understanding, but it hurts me that my mother as well as now my "friend" she turned against me, are also insulting my husband. I always say to myself 'once my dad has passed away this will end because I will cut off the contact to her' but does that really help how I feel? I kind of doubt that... .
She also keeps calling me a liar which I am not at all, I always tell the truth and sometimes I tell people things that they maybe shouldn't know because I am so transparent and honest. That is something that also really hurts! So with that being said, I start having a hard time trusting people. I am a very open and transparent person and every time I say something now, I doubt myself if I should have mentioned that or if that gives the other person information that could be used against me later in time. Those thoughts can be very exhausting... .

Thank you again for your post!

[GirlWithCurl]

Just wow.  She did it right in front of you.  Where is her shame?  Oh, I know.  She put it on you.  Feels awful doesn't it?  I sure am glad you have a supportive husband.  I'm trying to imagine being you when she did this.   My mother does something similar but she does it behind my back. 

[GirlWithCurl]

I wanted to write something more because I went back and read your words again.  As for that friend that has turned on you, don't mourn the loss.  You got lucky.  You dodged a bullet that your mother inadvertently exposed.  Not that I recommend thanking your mother but when she says nasty things about you remember that healthy people will react in a healthy way.  They will stay away from her.  They won't treat you poorly because what the heck kind of a mother treats her kid like that?  So tap dance away from that friend as fast you can.

[Rey]

It does feel awful even though at that moment it was such a shock that you just stand there completely frozen and you can't even say anything. I thought about throwing my coffee in her face, but instead I walked away. But yes it hurts. But like you said, I'm the bad daughter and deserve it. She also makes fun of me and my husband in her group of friends and then tells me... .There is something wrong with her... .The so called friend I totally ignored for right now. That was the biggest hurt, because I trusted her with everything and I told her everything. But I also wrote a 4 page letter to her that I haven't send yet. But I'm pretty mad about her but on the other hand I'm just getting numb to the pain.
What is your mother doing? Of course, only if you want to talk about it.

[Rey]

And yes I'm lucky to have a supportive and understanding husband!

[GirlWithCurl]

People rarely do something without expecting a pay off somehow.  I wonder what it is that she gets from maligning you. 

[Rey]

Maybe it makes her feel better and more superior. It could also be jealousy.

[Circle]

Hi,
Just read your thread. My step-mom has been doing all this kind of stuff to me, since I was a kid. I ignore it now; it's much easier that she isn't my real Mom. However, I believe every thing you are saying. I have seen the same actions/behaviors toward me, since I was a little kid. And, it's really crazy-making, once you get older and register their actions with a conscious awareness. Luckilly, you are able to seperate how she acts, from who you are now. Whereas, at one point, you probably integrated her words into your self-concept.

I agree with Girlwithcurl. You dodged a bullet, in seeing how your friend really is. We don't need people like that in our lives. Yes, we may not have as many friends, as we did when we were teenagers. However, selecting people, with awareness of how they treat us, is a good way to filter friends and find people who really care for us. We don't need people around, who are going to stab us in the back. Hang in there as you continue to seperate your Mom's actions from your own awesome self!

 

[Rey]

Hi Circle,

Thank you for posting and encouraging me. I'm sorry that your step-mom did this to you. You are write I also believe it is a little easier if it is only your step mother because you always have the excuse "you're not my mother". Unfortunately this is not the case here. I'm trying really hard not to go crazy and separate her actions from who I am but it is hard and doesn't always work. I haven't hear anything from my mother for 11 days so I thought I would text her once again asking how she and my dad are doing and hope they had a good weekend. She has read my message and still hasn't responded. She never texts me to ask how I am doing. Sometimes or actually most of the time I feel like she doesn't give a crap how I'm doing and that I even exist. She wouldn't even know if something happened to me. Last time I was sick with a flew, I texted her and she texted me back feeling sorry I was sick but after that text she didn't text again, not following up asking if I'm feeling better or anything... .so I either being ignored or insulted. It hurts! For the friends I have to agree, it's better to have only a few good ones than a lot of crapy back-stabbing ones.

[Rey]

I meant to say "You are right" not "you are write" sorry that was a typo. Does anybody know how to edit when I see a typo on my post?

[Kwamina]

I meant to say "You are right" not "you are write" sorry that was a typo. Does anybody know how to edit when I see a typo on my post?

Don't worry about it, we could follow you just fine

You got about a 20 to 30 minute window to edit any typos after you've made a post.

[Rey]

Ok thank you for letting me know. I always try to make sure everything is spelled correctly but as long as everybody understands I guess it's ok
By the way I still have no responds from my mother... .I could almost guarantee that she is quiet and in a day or two she'll blow up at me again and insult me. I'm just waiting for that.

[Circle]

Rey,
Sorry you are struggling with the silent treatment. I am getting that from a friend right now; it ebbs. Just know, that she will return. Knowing logically that they will return, maybe you could use this as a time to strengthen your ways of dealing with her.

I just listened to this video on bpdfamily about narcissists; it's kind of tangental (dealing with partners of narcissists), yet may have a sliver of insight for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303627

What a struggle to have to be either ignored or insulted! I am obviously not a therapist. Yet, I think finding a way to reduce your Mother's impact on your feelings would be helpful. Maybe seeing a therapist, or learning how to meditate would be useful?

[Rey]

The silent treatment wouldn't be so bad if I know it wouldn't be followed with insults or God knows what she is up to next.
I will definitely watch the video.
I want to go to therapy for sure once I'm settled here and have insurance because I think that's the only thing that will help me cope with this situation.

[Fie]

Dear Rey,

Welcome on board. You fit right in !

Having a narcissistic parent is heavy stuff. I have a BPD mum, my dad has narcissist traits. So I can relate, as well as a lot if not all of the other members here.

Is there a way for you to stay in contact with your dad without having to deal with your mum all of the time ? (I suppose that's a bit difficult given the dynamics with narcissism ... .?)

How is your relationship with your dad ?


Good that you have recognized at which stage you are in the survivor's guide. You will have lesser moments of course, but slowly but steady you will make your way towards thriving.

She never texts me to ask how I am doing. Sometimes or actually most of the time I feel like she doesn't give a crap how I'm doing and that I even exist. She wouldn't even know if something happened to me. Last time I was sick with a flew, I texted her and she texted me back feeling sorry I was sick but after that text she didn't text again, not following up asking if I'm feeling better or anything... .

I completely understand how frustrating, lonely and saddening this is. I have been there myself. For me the only solution was accepting that my mother would *never* change. Ever. It was really hard, but I now know she will never do the things your mentioned, like texting me to ask me how I am, caring, etc. She just doesn't care.
And somehow, that's ok. It's not what I wanted. Also I wanted a loving mum, like everyone. But it's just not possible. She does not have that ability. How do they say that, you cannot squeeze a stone ? So I accepted it and since then life became a little easier.

There's a workshop on radical acceptance here, maybe you can take a look if you want :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.msg604907#msg604907

Sometimes I'm not sure what to think of myself being treated like this since I was a child.

Can I ask what it is you mean with this ? I'm not sure I understood.

[Rey]

Thank you Fie for your post.
I unfortunately can not stay in contact with my dad without contacting my mother because my father is 93 years old (my mother is 57), so he is always with her and doesn't know how to text and I can't call him since we got a major time difference and my mother only works a few hours in the morning. I always had a great relationship with my dad but my mother has a great ability to brainwash and he always obeyed to my mother since he is older and knew that she would be taking care of him.

The last quote you asked me what I meant; I sometimes start believing what my mother says about me i.e. I'm a liar, a failure etc. And I'm confused who I really am and what I have done so far. Because if you constantly hear things like that then you start believing it. Thank God, my husband builds me up and tells me how great I am.

That my mother just doesn't care and that I will never have a loving and caring mother is something I have to accept but it hurts and sometimes I get envious over other people's relationships with their mothers, which is sad because everybody deserves a loving mother. Actually my mother told me once and I quote:"You should never have a child because you would be a bad mother". I don't understand how she can say that. I don't have a child yet and I'm a little scared of it but my husband and I would like to have one soon.

I will take a look at that workshop for sure. Thank you for that link.

[Fie]

Dear Rey,

You appear to have some false believes about yourself. That is completely normal. The things we hear as a child are the things that stick with us. The way we were treated as children is the way we will believe we deserve to be treated.

It is fantastic that you are realizing that these believes are false and are only installed by your mum. Well done! Now of course you can realize this rationally without your emotions following. Our brain structure has been formed in our childhood... .fortunately, there are ways to unlearn all of the unhealthy believes. I strongly encourage you to go follow some therapy once your situation allows it. For me it has proven to be very beneficial (even if I thought I could do it all by myself).

You are lucky to have a husband who encourages you and who tells you how great you are. Still, do not forget to tell yourself similar things. You *are* great, and you do in fact not need your husband to remind you of that (regardless how nice it sounds of course  ;-)).

You are completely right when you say you deserve a loving mum. We all do. Yet, we will probably never have it. That is the sad truth. The good thing though is that it is possible to gradually grow towards acceptance.  In order to do that, I think we first have to convince ourselves that no, our mother will never be loving. We have to face the truth. After accepting the truth we can allow ourselves to somehow become a little softer about it all. We can then look the truth in the eyes and say : well, you know, it's still sad, and it will always be sad, but I can still be happy.

When I think about things like that, I still feel sadness sometimes. Especially around holidays or special events that have emotional meaning to me. I think there's this gap inside me, and it will somehow always be there. But that does not mean I'm not happy. I'm happy regardless the gap. Does that make sense to you ?


And of course you won't be a bad mother. That's just your mother projecting. Projecting is when we put our fears, or opinions we actually have about ourselves, in someone else. BPD are masters at it. Because they carry a deep shame about who they really are, they project pretty much constantly. Probably your mother deep down feels she has been and is a bad mother to you - although she will probably never admit it - not even to herself. So no hoping necessary there.  To get temporarily rid of this huge shame, she's projecting - on you. That's rude, but for you it's important to see this for what it is. It says absolutely nothing about you - only about her.

Doing all of this work on yourself, posting here, going to seek therapy, understanding the dynamics around unhealthy families like your FOO (family or origin) will certainly make you a more-then-average good mum.
And of course you are allowed to make mistakes on your way also.

[Rey]

Thank you so much for this comprehensive and detailed post, Fie.
It completely makes sense to me what you are saying. I do realize that some believes I have about myself are false but the emotional side is a little hard to handle which is why I want to find a therapist.
I understand that I need to encourage myself that I'm great which is a really hard thing to do in my opinion because I also don't want to be perceived as being self-centered or self-absorbed or selfish.

I have to agree that I can be happy even without a loving mother and I am really happy, but more often than I want I get wrapped up in my mind and emotions about this.

What you mentioned about my mother projecting on me makes sense too. My husband mentioned that before as well but there again I need to get confirmation from a third party because my mother constantly tells me that I get manipulated by my husband (and all the former partners in life I had). She makes sure to tell me everytime that I don't have my own mind and opinions and always speak after the person I'm with at that time.

So, thank you again for informing me about all that and the confirmation.

[GirlWithCurl]

I think you should take time to be self-centered or self-absorbed or selfish or how else can one heal satisfyingly or healthily?

[Rey]

Good point GirlWithCurl! I guess you are right about that, but I feel guilty if I'm selfish, so again that's where therapy will come in handy.

[Fie]

She makes sure to tell me everytime that I don't have my own mind and opinions and always speak after the person I'm with at that time.

It's kind of funny your mum says that, because this mirroring behavior is exactly what BPD does.  So also there your mother seems to be projecting ... .

Seems like your mum is projecting every bad quality she thinks she might have, on you. So maybe your mum saying something bad about you, should actually for you be a reason to start believing the exact opposite. It is highly possible that each time your mum sees a quality in you that seems a threat to her own self worth, she's projecting her own lesser quality on you.


Do you think it can be a good idea to start learning techniques on how to start trusting your *own* opinion ? I am sure a therapist could help you there. It is something I have not so long ago discovered myself : that sometimes my gut feeling about something was right, and I should not have believed this or that person. Sometimes we just know best. But we were never taught to trust in that, we were actually taught the opposite.

[Rey]

You are most likely right, Fie. It's just so hard to understand why anybody would do that and to not believe it. Unfortunately, it has been 16 days since I have heard from my mother and still no response. Then I found out today from my grandmother that my dad (over 90 years old) had a medical problem about a week ago and no one informed me. With everything that happened lately, I just had a major meltdown and those days are really hard.

I just hope that I can get some therapy in the future and that things straighten out a little, usually and as it was today everything comes all at once... .

[Fie]

It's just so hard to understand why anybody would do that

BPD tend to feel very bad about themselves. Some NPD have the same (and I think it's possible that deep down they all have, but I don't have enough knowledge about it to be sure). They have a deep core shame about themselves. Deep down they just loathe themselves. Sometimes they feel so bad about themselves the feeling becomes unbearable.
Their defense mechanism kicks in and they just project their feeling away.

Somehow a BPD (and NPD) has two faces : one for the outside world (they seem charming) and one for the most close people. Usually only the closest ones get to see their dark side. So typically they react things out on their partner and on their children.

What I find particularly hard to understand is why people can even do this to their child. I sometimes still wonder how my mother can do it. But mainly I have given up understanding that part and I just accept that she does it. And she will never stop doing it.

I hope you will feel a little better tomorrow 

[Rey]

What you're saying makes sense. And I can see that with my mother and it is all very logical but to accept it and deal with it is one more step.
I'm sorry that your mother is that way as well.
And you are so right about the two faces because everybody on the outside world thinks she is the sweetest and most selfless person. Even my "friend" that had just betrayed me and insulted me because of my mother, told me the same thing a long time ago that my mother is so sweet and nice and she can't see how my mother can be so bad.
It is so horrible when you tell somebody what was done to you and nobody understands because that person is so wonderful, friendly, understanding and loving to everybody just not to you.

Thank you so much for your post it helps a lot!   

[Kwamina]

I just hope that I can get some therapy in the future and that things straighten out a little, usually and as it was today everything comes all at once... .

In the meantime, we have another thread here that can also help you with your healing and help you better deal with any negative thoughts you might have about yourself:
Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

You are doing a lot of hard work and I agree with Fie that you are on the right track

Take care

The Board Parrot