The Letter

[Jester20]

Hi everyone,
If anyone is interested in giving me some advice regarding this topic the back about my husbands BPD is in my other thread... .( I'm new p,ease help me).

This thread is regarding a letter I recieved from my husbands mother.
Basically none of my family know about my husbands BPD. God if they knew how bad things were he would have been thrown out of my house along time ago.
Anyway his mother offered me support. Only, I rather overstepped the mark in November and it kind of all came pouring out about how I felt she was unsupportive when he tried to kill himself ( she wouldn't come over from states and wouldn't have him back there either) she didn't tell him his dad was dying, she didn't tell him she was going in for major heart surgery to which she was only given a 50% survival. To me this is bad, very bad, but I never mentioned any of this. She also used to say odd things to me like " the women's job is the peacemaker and I am not meant to rise and argue" , "I need to stop being a victim" , " I needed to be a better wife and just love him". I was confused I thought she offered to provide me with some emotional support. Anyway things came to a head in November. She asked me what I was going to do if he didn't find work. I said, " well, I want a family and I can't have that with him if he cannot provide" I will have to think about leaving. She said something that really riled me and all those things I thought about her just came pouring out. I'm not proud but I had put up with 4 years of his mum telling me " you don't just walk out of marriage" " it's for life" ( not where I come from honey, if it's toxic and unhealthy! And you know I really take my hat off to this lady. I mean she stayed married to his dad who was bipolar and an alcoholic. So I can see her and my values and beliefs are totally different. And if she was able to stay in that situation then fine.

So I receive a letter 3 weeks ago from her. Hand written. Which basically says she doesn't know how she feels about me, her vision of me as a kind caring person is shattered, I'm vile etc etc. I questioned her parenting skills and I've not said nice things about her son... .I understand. I know I lashed out but at no point did I say anything that I would take back. It's just because I was so angry. In essence I still stand by what I said. I guess you could say it was a few hard home truths.
At the end of the Letter she says she has to forgive me for herself but has made it clear in the other parts of the Letter that she really doesn't want anything to do with me.

I haven't responded to this letter. I don't know if I should? I apolised to her within 24 hours of this argument. I said I shouldn't have said those things and I'm sorry. I'm not an unreasonable person by any means and I can stand up and say ... .I'm sorry.
I feel like if I did answer the letter it would only be to say that although she states this is a letter of forgiveness I receive a large amount of anger from her to me which makes me question the genuineness of the forgiving aspect and that whilst I shouldn't have presented as I did... .essentially I feel the things I said are valid it s just the way I said them and how else I could have let her know how she made me feel. I don't think she will be open to hearing any of this and therefore, wonder whether I just don't reply at all. Even though I feel she has judged and made a desision about the sort of person she thinks I am because of a heated discussion with her.

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[Meili]

What do you think that you would say in a response letter, and what outcome would you be hoping to achieve?

[Jester20]

What do you think that you would say in a response letter, and what outcome would you be hoping to achieve?

Hi,
She asked me a question in her letter. The question was " would I acknowledge that her vision of me as a kind, caring, sweet and compassionate person had been shattered".

Of course I understand that what took place in November wasn't the best thing. However, I think she is making a judgement on my character which is not true as this was an argument between me and her at a very intense day in my life. I recognise that I say that I feel a lot of these things I said were true... .they had been on my mind over the last 3 years. Had we been on the same continent and face to face I imagine this would no have happened. I could have made her aware of how I was feeling about her in a much nicer way and without offending her... .
I think it is unfair of her to tar me with this brush through 1 bad communication during a difficult time... .and I guess I would expect her to realise this without needing to explain... .therefore, I don't feel that replying will do any good because I would be having to point this out to her.

With regard to outcome, I think I want her to acknowledge that her son is a very nasty manipulative person. She has told me her love for her son will never waiver... .I never expected it too... .I just didn't expect for her to be so accepting of her sons behaviour towards a female. Or in her own words " that she could not believe that her son is the person I am saying he is". However, I know she has seen this side to after he pushed his dad during an argument... .
and I think apart of me wanted her to say " oh, I'll give him what for... .I didn't raise him to treat a lady like that" this is what I think the normal response would be... .maybe I am wrong?
I guess I want HER to acknowldge all the crap I have been putting up with... .I mean this isn't silly little petty arguments about who did or didn't do the washing up. This is huge stuff about suicide, abuse, the fact that my husband nearly jepodised my career after he called the police out on ME after HE had been abusive... .I was actually on the phone to his mum in my car when this was happening... .she won't speak one word about it.

I guess I want her to say... ." I know your not a horrible person, it was a tough time. I forgive you and I know it hasn't been easy"

I just want some recognition for what I'm going through, I have never any any from him or his mum.
And I think I feel ashamed that someone could feel/ think that of me... .because I am very self critical, I am nice and caring and strong, I'm a nurse and I love my job. I am a perfectionist in my career and my social life... .the thought of someone feeling that way about me just upsets me no end.

[Meili]

Yeah, I can see how that would all be incredibly frustrating. We all want validation and it's hard when we don't get it. The abusive behavior is bad enough, to be told that you're a bad person for speaking out against it only makes things worse. I'm sorry that she did that to you. 

I have no way of knowing, but as a guess, I don't think that she'll give you what you are looking for with the letter. She's asking you to validate her feelings with that question.

I think that you probably can acknowledge it. You don't like it, but you can acknowledge that she feels that way. I can't blame you for that either. I hate that  my ex's family thinks poorly of me because I didn't like how she treated me. I was supposed to be "the man" and just put up with her behavior. So, I can see where you're coming from. They are entitled to their opinion of  me. I don't have to like it or adopt it as my opinion of myself though. Besides, I have my own feelings about them, and I'm sure that you have your feelings about your mother-in-law. 

[Jester20]

Yeah, I can see how that would all be incredibly frustrating. We all want validation and it's hard when we don't get it. The abusive behavior is bad enough, to be told that you're a bad person for speaking out against it only makes things worse. I'm sorry that she did that to you. 

I think your right. I do not think I am going to get what I'm looking for. I've decided nit to respond at all.

I believe the reason why she gets annoyed with me soeaking out about her dibs abusive behaviour is down to this
I think she is an oppressed USA women who was in her prime in the 60's/70's and she tolerated this behaviour from her own husband. He was an alcoholic with bipolar. I know he was abusive to her as she had discussed done of this with me.
I believe this is behind many of her comments " well at least he will never cheat on you" I think she told herself this about her own marriage. " your the women, the peacemakers" I think this is exactly what she told herself in her marriage. " you don't walk out, you make it work ... .that's what marriage is" I believe this is what she did. " stop playing the victim card" I believe she told herself this because she didn't want to see herself as a victim.
It was inevitable that me and her was desting for this eventually because I feel our belief and value systems are so different. I don't believe in those comments she said... .I was raised to know that abusive relationships are wrong, that I have more self respect to let myself be treated that way, I am a strong person and I will not be a victim.
I'm sure she is a strong person too fir having stayed. I'm not disputing that. It's just we don't match... .our thinking over these issues are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum... .
I'm not going to reply... .maybe she will have a good long think.

[Meili]

It's entirely possible that you are correct in your assessment.

The important thing, from my perspective at least, is that you appear to know great things about yourself and your strengths! That's awesome!

It also seems like you realize that there is absolutely no reason for you to compare yourself to others to validate your position. That's another thing to be proud of!

We all like validation, but validating the invalid is never a good plan. As you said, those things may be right for her, but they are not right for you. If you want to try to repair things with her, you might be able to do so by validating how she feels but still maintaining your identity and value system. Perhaps using a communication technique like S.E.T. would work if you decide to take that route.

[Jester20]

It's entirely possible that you are correct in your assessment.

The important thing, from my perspective at least, is that you appear to know great things about yourself and your strengths! That's awesome!

It also seems like you realize that there is absolutely no reason for you to compare yourself to others to validate your position. That's another thing to be proud of!

We all like validation, but validating the invalid is never a good plan. As you said, those things may be right for her, but they are not right for you. If you want to try to repair things with her, you might be able to do so by validating how she feels but still maintaining your identity and value system. Perhaps using a communication technique like S.E.T. would work if you decide to take that route.

Thank you very much for your time and listening. I am going to look at S.E.T now

[Meili]

Thank you very much for your time and listening. I am going to look at S.E.T now

It isn't a problem at all. We're all here to support and help one another. I hope that some of it helps you. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have!

[formflier]

  I've decided nit to respond at all.
 

Hulu,

I just responded to another one of your threads.  I do think you should respond to the letter, however, I think you need to be wise about doing it.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Before even considering a response, I would urge you to read about boundaries.  In the back of your mind I would urge you to consider a loving, direct response that shows appreciation for care and concern and defines relationship boundaries.

My guess is you will have several drafts before finding the right tone... .the right words.

Thoughts?

FF

[Jester20]

Hulu,

I just responded to another one of your threads.  I do think you should respond to the letter, however, I think you need to be wise about doing it.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Before even considering a response, I would urge you to read about boundaries.  In the back of your mind I would urge you to consider a loving, direct response that shows appreciation for care and concern and defines relationship boundaries.

My guess is you will have several drafts before finding the right tone... .the right words.

Thoughts?

FF

Hi,
Thank you for this formflyer. I have just had a read through the link. I think I will have to read it again and make some notes. 2 important things here

1.) I think this will help me when communicating with my husband

2.) I agree that at some point in the future i.e., 2-3 months I should respond to this letter. I have 3  drafts already ranging from angry 1st draft that waffles on and on to 3rd draft which is direct and too the point but still needs refining.

I understand now what I did and it is nicely demonstrated in this link. I enforced boundaries without values. I can see that clearly now. This is not me as a person... .I am a nurse and normally very self aware. However, I have allowed the situation to effect me to the point where it's just anger coming across.
I think I said in one of my replies... .I felt frustrated because I felt that in essence my opinion remains the same... .I still feel that what I pointed out is correct because it is true of my underlying values. For example, " I was raised to understand what is acceptable/unacceptable in relationships with regards to how I allow myself to be treated. For me there is a very strong boundary of what I will not accept and that if I allow myself to be treated in such a way then it will effect my self esteem/ respect etc"  What I did wrong was somewhere along the way I lost sight of using those values myself when trying to get my point across. It all came out in a way where I wasn't acting that way myself... .I wasn't upholding my own value.

Does this make sense?

[formflier]

Can I challenge you to think less about who did what... and if it was right or wrong?

Perhaps thinking about "falling short of the mark" is better.  Unless you know in your heart of hearts that you intended to do wrong... .much better to soften things. 

Direct is good.  However it does matter what you are being direct about.

What would your letter look like if I challenged you to cut the size in half?  If you had to prioritize your "points". 

Are you trying to "win" or "prove"... .or are you communicating something heartfelt?

Big picture questions that matter... .

I DO really like using multiple drafts to see how your thinking changes.   

FF

[Jester20]

Can I challenge you to think less about who did what... and if it was right or wrong?

Perhaps thinking about "falling short of the mark" is better.  Unless you know in your heart of hearts that you intended to do wrong... .much better to soften things. 

Direct is good.  However it does matter what you are being direct about.

What would your letter look like if I challenged you to cut the size in half?  If you had to prioritize your "points". 

Are you trying to "win" or "prove"... .or are you communicating something heartfelt?

Big picture questions that matter... .

I DO really like using multiple drafts to see how your thinking changes.   

FF

Hi FF,
Yes, selling short of the mark is better. I don't want it to be about who was right and wrong. I just wanted to be understood. I wanted help.
I was being direct about how unsupported I felt. Yes, I can see how my thinking has changed through the drafts... .and I keep thinking yo myself it needs to be softer still.
My main point would have to be that I did feel awful after our disagreement. I am sorry, I lashed out. I said that when I apoligised ... .but could it have been too soon? Less than 24 hours after disagreement.

[formflier]

I just wanted to be understood. I wanted help.

OK... .how does it help you if they "understand you" or not?  What if they say they perfectly understand you... .and then just keep on doing their BPD thing?

Listen... .I'm not trying to mind read you... .but I am trying to get you to think through what "being understood" means.  That's very broad.

What would this look like?

I was being direct about how unsupported I felt.

This is fine to express... as long as you are succinct and non-blaming.  Also... think deeply... .do you want her to know your feelings... .or pick sides?

I am sorry, I lashed out. I said that when I apoligised ... .but could it have been too soon? Less than 24 hours after disagreement.

Umm... .many people that end up in a r/s with a pwBPD end up apologizing way too much.  I AM a fan of a genuine apology.  ONCE. 

You've done that.  I wouldn't reopen that.

FF

[Jester20]

OK... .how does it help you if they "understand you" or not?  What if they say they perfectly understand you... .and then just keep on doing their BPD thing?

Listen... .I'm not trying to mind read you... .but I am trying to get you to think through what "being understood" means.  That's very broad.

What would this look like?



This is fine to express... as long as you are succinct and non-blaming.  Also... think deeply... .do you want her to know your feelings... .or pick sides?


Umm... .many people that end up in a r/s with a pwBPD end up apologizing way too much.  I AM a fan of a genuine apology.  ONCE. 

You've done that.  I wouldn't reopen that.

FF

Hi FF
Sorry for the delayed response. I wanted her to know my feelings. I didn't want her to pick sides. I would not ask her to pick sides that would be silly. He is her son.
I had asked her 3 years ago to fly over when he attempted. She said no. I asked if he could come and spend a bit of time with her ( he hadn't seen her for 3 years and they are close so I thought some time together might help him) she said no.
So I knew asking for help in a direct way like this gets me no where. I wanted her to know/ understand my feelings and read between the lines that we needed her over here. She needed to be a visible person that could help.
now, whether I should expect this of her or not is a different story.
I thought any mother would want to be with their child in such tragic circumstances. I didn't understand why she wouldn't come.

[formflier]

I didn't understand why she wouldn't come.

Did you ask her this? 

Also would be a good idea if she is interested in hearing about your feelings about (whatever the subject is).

I say this because it seems to be a big deal to you that they "understand you".  If they are not the mode to "listen"... .your are wasting your time.

I would submit to you that it is much more important to demonstrate and set healthy boundaries about unsolicited marital and relationship advice/interference... .than to share your feelings in an uninvited way.


FF