Entitlement and Children

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

One trait that my ex always displayed was huge sense of entitlement.  She always wanted things but never really contributed properly to the relationship or pulled her weight financially.

She wanted  children over all. She stated she wanted to get married too but she wanted children a whole lot more than marriage. I know this because early on that's what she mentioned all of the time not marriage. It seemed she was luke warm on marriage or ambivalent. I myself stated that I would like to be married before I had kids and she didn't like that.

She broke up with me twice before. Why? At first I didn't know. Later I figured it out. It was my failure to GIVE her everything. Non of the things I had done or tried to do counted. I guess she painted me black.

She seemed to be afraid to commit on a level and was really keeping me at arms length in certain ways. BUT she wanted a child. What I don't understand is that all she wanted was a kid any old guy could have given her one.  She would make up excuses about marriage and sabotage progress at the same time rail against me on children.

It wasn't until later when we were older that she started talking more about marriage. Why? Her finances were not great and she needed someone to lean on.  That's all it could have been.Now my finances are not great right now either and I told her that.

The last thing. Most of our relationship I was the person with the job.  She would not contribute anything and expected me to. At first I didn't think anything about it. The problem is she became more demanding and... .She never had a real longterm job herself.  She demanded and started fights with me while she was not contributing to the relationship.  This bled into her wanting kids. I told her ":)on't you think you need to get a job before you have kids?" On top of marriage thing.

The problem is that she has a DEGREE and didn't work. She blamed her lack of a work history on ME. I tried to steer her towards jobs for years but all of it was still MY fault.

To close things. She wanted a kid more than she wanted me. She didn't want to work but she wanted a child. When her finances (she inherited money from her mom) were dwindling she was talking about marriage then. AND... .After she was abusive and selfish still thought she was ENTITLED to a engagement ring. She said she was loyal to me. So what. I was loyal to her too. Of course she didn't believe that. That was the state of things before I broker up with her. This was the 1st and last time that I've broken up with her.

[Aesir]

One trait that my ex always displayed was huge sense of entitlement.  She always wanted things but never really contributed properly to the relationship or pulled her weight financially.

She wanted  children over all. She stated she wanted to get married too but she wanted children a whole lot more than marriage. I know this because early on that's what she mentioned all of the time not marriage. It seemed she was luke warm on marriage or ambivalent. I myself stated that I would like to be married before I had kids and she didn't like that.

She broke up with me twice before. Why? At first I didn't know. Later I figured it out. It was my failure to GIVE her everything. Non of the things I had done or tried to do counted. I guess she painted me black.

She seemed to be afraid to commit on a level and was really keeping me at arms length in certain ways. BUT she wanted a child. What I don't understand is that all she wanted was a kid any old guy could have given her one.  She would make up excuses about marriage and sabotage progress at the same time rail against me on children.

It wasn't until later when we were older that she started talking more about marriage. Why? Her finances were not great and she needed someone to lean on.  That's all it could have been.Now my finances are not great right now either and I told her that.

The last thing. Most of our relationship I was the person with the job.  She would not contribute anything and expected me to. At first I didn't think anything about it. The problem is she became more demanding and... .She never had a real longterm job herself.  She demanded and started fights with me while she was not contributing to the relationship.  This bled into her wanting kids. I told her ":)on't you think you need to get a job before you have kids?" On top of marriage thing.

The problem is that she has a DEGREE and didn't work. She blamed her lack of a work history on ME. I tried to steer her towards jobs for years but all of it was still MY fault.

To close things. She wanted a kid more than she wanted me. She didn't want to work but she wanted a child. When her finances (she inherited money from her mom) were dwindling she was talking about marriage then. AND... .After she was abusive and selfish still thought she was ENTITLED to a engagement ring. She said she was loyal to me. So what. I was loyal to her too. Of course she didn't believe that. That was the state of things before I broker up with her. This was the 1st and last time that I've broken up with her.

[vortex of confusion]

Ex has that same sense of entitlement.

He wanted things but didn't want to do the work involved in getting them. I have a good relationship with the kids. He seemed jealous of that yet wasn't willing or able to put in the time or effort to have a good relationship with them.

I feel like ex wanted kids as a status symbol. I was really hesitant about having our youngest two kids because I know the work involved in caring for kids. It isn't for the faint of heart. He assured me that everything would be fine and that he would help, blah, blah, blah. Now, I am caring for all 4 kids on my own and he is not much help. He wanted kids and was great with them when they were little. When they started becoming independent and started challenging him, he didn't know what to do.

[Aesir]

Ex has that same sense of entitlement.

He wanted things but didn't want to do the work involved in getting them. I have a good relationship with the kids. He seemed jealous of that yet wasn't willing or able to put in the time or effort to have a good relationship with them.

I feel like ex wanted kids as a status symbol. I was really hesitant about having our youngest two kids because I know the work involved in caring for kids. It isn't for the faint of heart. He assured me that everything would be fine and that he would help, blah, blah, blah. Now, I am caring for all 4 kids on my own and he is not much help. He wanted kids and was great with them when they were little. When they started becoming independent and started challenging him, he didn't know what to do.

I agree. She said she wanted to be on the same level with other women she knew. Plus she wanted a personal attachment, she didn't feel like a real woman without kids. Imo with her low self esteem and confused sense of self I don't know if that would have helped.  I WANTED kids just not the same way that she did.

She would say that things always had to be my way. At least I had a plan or goals. She didn't want anything but a child and someone to pay for it and that's it. She would say one thing but her actions or inaction spoke louder.

[vortex of confusion]

I agree. She said she wanted to be on the same level with other women she knew. Plus she wanted a personal attachment, she didn't feel like a real woman without kids. Imo with her low self esteem and confused sense of self I don't know if that would have helped.  I WANTED kids just not the same way that she did.

I think that is absolutely the worst reason to want kids. I think disordered people see kids as an extension of themselves. I have a family member that has been diagnosed with BPD. She has 4 kids by 3 different guys. Even when I told her to stop it and suggested she get some kind of birth control, she didn't listen. She wanted to keep the option of having more kids open. That made no sense to me. She doesn't work. Is on welfare and can't provide for the kids. I don't understand how a person could desire to bring kids into a situation like that. I feel guilty for not being able to give my kids more. I feel guilty because of the person that I chose to be their father.

She would say that things always had to be my way. At least I had a plan or goals. She didn't want anything but a child and someone to pay for it and that's it. She would say one thing but her actions or inaction spoke louder.

You did the right thing by NOT having a child with her. It is so painful to know that ex is the father of these children. Kids deserve so much better. They are innocent and shouldn't have to be protected from a disordered parent.