Valentines Day Dilemma

[RDMercer55]

Appreciate any feedback that might help me... .

My BPDw who is a few sessions into her EMDR therapy, asked me a couple days ago what we were doing for Valentine's Day this year. It's a legit question since the past two years have been insanely filled with all the drama leading up to me asking her to consider going into therapy.

She doesn't fully trust me because her disordered thinking has created scenarios that are not real and completely fabricated. I have been faithful to her. On the other hand,
I do not fully trust her because of a previous affair and a relationship that was leading towards becoming inappropriate last year before I confronted her on it and she ended it. Sigh.

The EMDR is draining and exhausting for her and the last month since she began therapy she has triggered on every issue of our lives. Now it's Valentine's Day.
We have spoken openly about the divide in our relationship and the need to work on trust. Of course, she constantly challenges where we are at and wants more and more from me. Something I am just incapable of giving her right now because of my exhaustion level from the relationship. We have had several talks about this and I have tried to be as real and honest as I can.

My suggestion was that we buy each other a card that expresses our feelings in some way and then enjoy a nice dinner out. To me that was a huge risk because I already know if the card doesn't reach the emotional level she craves it will be a fail and she will trigger. She however is reeling about the fact that we aren't going to buy each other some kind of present this year and it already feels like a fail and of course, she's triggering. This is a very different experience for her because in the past I have always been very mindful and expressive in my love and feelings for her.

There's lots of other financial implications and reasons why we shouldn't be buying anything extra at this time, but that's not even on her radar.

Thoughts?

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey RDMercer55: 

It depend on your partner as to what might work for Valentines Day.  . If finances are tight, how about making up some type of custom gift certificate for something she would appreciate. Perhaps you detail her car or cook her a romantic dinner at home ( her favorite music, candles). Maybe it might involve a "honey do list". 

Can you think of something she might appreciate?  If she is a high-maintenance woman (in ways not related to BPD), you might have a tough time. I've done the IOU or home made gift certificate in the past with a partner and it was kind of fun.

[Tattered Heart]

Would she require the gift to be store bought? Could you make something pretty or homemade for her? The shabby chic style is very popular. A little paint or stenciled words can make pretty wall art.

[teapay]

Your W seems to have some unknown, possibly non-existent scenario of celebrating Valentine’s Day that might please her and not trigger her.

Do you know in your mind, how you would like to express your feelings and celebrate V-Day with her bearing in mind your financial concerns.  Can’t you just do what you wish to do and let her take it or leave it and then handle it from there.  I thought V-day was a day for a personal expression of our love and appreciation for some else and not trying to blindly thread a needle to please them.  How they handle it is on them.

[isilme]

Finance-wise, I think a $4 bunch of flowers from the local grocery store (ours has 'em, not sure about yours) in addition to a card and dinner sounds great.  (Sorry, I am a sucker for flowers - H has waffled between lots of flowers to nothing at all for Valentines.)  H used to swear I had a gift coming, and never deliver. I know it's because he had little to no money early in the r/s, but I also know that being in the same boat, I always made something happen for birthdays and holidays. 

Your W sounds like she's judging your love based on effort/items gifted - maybe you guys need to determine your love languages?  Like, some people like words, some people need acts of love (taking out the trash, hugs, cooking, cleaning) and so on.  So if one person is expecting love according to their language, but you don't know what it is, it causes a lot of hurt because each one it like, "why don't you love me by doing XYZ?"

Anyway, maybe this little quiz or another like it can help you through this mine field:  www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

[Healthy88]

Tell her she is all the present you need and buy her some flowers! You don't care about a gift this year, but she does. Possibly, she is just looking for some reassurance from you. She agreed to counseling and is working on herself. Reward her in some way. No one knows your wife better than you and what she likes. I agree it doesn't have to be expensive, but the thought does count.

[RDMercer55]

Tell her she is all the present you need and buy her some flowers! You don't care about a gift this year, but she does. Possibly, she is just looking for some reassurance from you. She agreed to counseling and is working on herself. Reward her in some way. No one knows your wife better than you and what she likes. I agree it doesn't have to be expensive, but the thought does count.

Thank you all for the very helpful suggestions and insights... .sounds like good wisdom to put in place.

[Healthy88]

How did V-Day go? Were you able to please her? Sure hope so, since you definitely put in some effort.

H88

[RDMercer55]

How did V-Day go? Were you able to please her? Sure hope so, since you definitely put in some effort.

H88

Thanks for the follow-up! Yes, we were able to actually pull off a really nice dinner at a place that she enjoys very much... .so it was a hit for her... .She loved the Valentines Day card too... .Mainly I spent most of the evening just listening to her and making feel special and that went a long way toward making the night a success... .

[Healthy88]

Way to go. So glad to hear it ended up being an enjoyable evening. Especially, after all your effort! Thanks for sharing. It is always great to hear the successes.

H88

[WifeInOz]

I feel for you RdMercer! Being married to a BPD man is no picnic either. He got me NOTHING for Valentines day, nothing, not even a card. I bought him a heartfelt card, his favorite Chocolate and a 23andMe.com DNA test kit... .(he wanted one ) Like I said I feel for you, and it seem with these people its damned if you do, damned if you dont... .Im not a materialistic girl but a thoughtful card would have been nice... .

[Jessica84]

Same here WifeinOz (minus the DNA kit) 

If I get him nothing, I don't care. If I get him something (anything), I make him "feel bad" because he didn't get me anything. No-win situation.

[Healthy88]

WifeInOz,

Great presents. Did H want the DNA kit for ancestry information or is he looking for insight into his health issues? That could be promising? You just reminded me that I need to do mine and send it back.

Sorry, nothing for you. Been there myself, many times too. It doesn't bother me anymore. I actually expect nothing and if I get something, I am pleasantly surprised!