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Author Topic: Last night it was Brussel Sprouts  (Read 420 times)
isilme
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« on: February 02, 2017, 08:53:55 AM »

So many on here have read about the bag of broccoli being tossed in my face.  Last night, I again had a steamable bag of veggies, but this time it was brussel sprouts and they were not frozen but fresh, and had to be cooked pretty much last night or tossed.  So I popped the bag into the microwave as it was designed, and cooked it all, thinking H would want some of them, and/or that I'd have a few with dinner the next night or two.  No big deal.  AGAIN, he freaked out, told me I have a problem, can't cook, am too mechanical in how I cook because I read directions, yada yada. 

I know where some of this comes from, I was also not trapped in the kitchen this time and was able to walk away at a few times during the exchange, so part of dinner did not get thrown at me.  But H seems to think that it is okay for him to eat 6 cookies when coming home, but not for me to eat a cup of green veggies with my dinner in lieu of other items.  70-120 calories per cookie versus 30-60 per cup of veggies is not ever going to convince him.  Explaining that I eat them because I like them does not convince him.

I think he is yelling at me because his mom still "diets" according to a 1980s mentality and so eats huge salads with a lot of fatty crap on top of them, does not exercise, and expects to lose weight.  I don't think this.  I try to exercise as my day allows (but being the only one cooking, cleaning, running to the store, and trying to finish some home improvement projects AND working 8-5 AND taking him to the MD twice a week for some physical therapy all eat up my exercise time).  I think I will have a protein and off set being hungry with an extra helping of veggies rather than bread or meat.  He told me I had too many sprouts on my plate, but did not comment when I put some back and added two rolls instead of just one... .the green veggies really really offend him.  He thinks I believe that eating more green is magic to make me skinny (actually, it does help me, but it's like I need to sneak them or something).  The whole idea of food substitution, eating more green stuff so you are full and not likely to eat, say, cookies, escapes him. 

The last time I chalked it up to him being so tired and hungry he was really chemically off.  This time though, it really was the vegetables.  He thinks you should only have 1/2 cup of them on your plate, with your meal.  Ugh.  At least it did not turn into the huge deal it did last time. 

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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2017, 09:05:03 PM »

Perhaps he is feeling a bit guilty - that he KNOWS that you are looking after yourself but he isn't. But instead of doing the hard thing of fixing himself, it's easier for him to mock/degrade you to drag you down to his level... .

I wouldn't bother trying to "educate" him, or explain. With my wife, I've found a simple one liner repeated works - like "*shrug* I enjoy it". Repeat each time he picks on you for anything food related.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2017, 10:57:24 PM »

Hey Isilme:   

Wondering if your partner may have been forced to eat vegetables when he was young. Sounds like he hates them.  Hard to fathom vegetable shaming. Your logic for eating more veggies sounds healthy and makes perfect sense.

If he asks you what you want for Valentine's Day, tell him it would be a great gift to let you eat veggies without arguing about it.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2017, 08:07:57 AM »

Oh man, veggies sound good, and I am one of few folks who also likes brussel sprouts!

Sometimes faced with this disconnect with a pwBPD I had results by saying... .
Well, I suppose some may say more veggies, or less and it is hard to know who to listen to these days so I'm going to follow what my doctor has advised me.

Idk, I recall a time or two this seemed to remove me from the equation and the person was gonna have to not fight with me but fight with my doc at that point if they wanted to continue critiquing my choices.

Having to sneak eat veggies to not invalidate someone elses thought is a bit rough. Yikes!
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isilme
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« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2017, 09:44:39 AM »

It's strange - he does not hate them.  He eats them, prefers thm raw of steamed with little to no seasoning and actually after making his plate, I saw he had some on his as well, in addition to the green beans I steamed for him at his request.  I really think it has to do with frustration at his mom's food choices and he projects a LOT of his anger at her and his sister onto me. 

He assumed that like his mom, I planned to eat an entire bag of brussel sprouts by myself, and magically thought it would make me skinny and healthy.  I listened, and then did my best to state - "I made the whole bag, because I thought you'd eat some, too.  I never intended to eat it all in one sitting, but any left over would go with lunch or dinner throughout the week.  Also, these are NOT frozen, but were fresh, and today was the 'cook-by' date."  That last bit seemed to placate him.

I will eat leftovers.  He rarely does.  And I had some with my lunch yesterday, and he didn't bat an eye.  And I will have some today, too.

I'm just going to make sure I have a reasonable amount on my plate, and then go back for seconds (what I meant by sneaking) if needed.  It's the initial amount that seems triggering.  His mom and her friend's 'salads are huge, served in what I use for a mixing bowl or a bowl the size you serve chips in for guests - pretty big.

He is feeling pretty terrible about himself lately.  I can't go more than a few hours without him bemoaning how he is "fat, ugly, balding, sick, old, in pain, dying, useless, has a worthless job, has no friends... ." and that I won't stick around for him, I'll get tired and leave him.  I hate this stupid condition he has.  I mean, I've been severely depressed before.  I've been suicidal.  You can't grow up the way I did and not ever go through those feelings.  But it sounds like his swings and out of control BPD emotions put him into my worst periods all the time, and he can't drag himself out of it because of the condition that put him into it.  He's nit picky and nagging a lot lately.  I know a lot has to do with his poor self-esteem, drag me down to pick himself up.  He insists I'm the "nice one, the pretty one... ." and so on.  I'm not competing with him, but he is competing with me. 
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2017, 09:51:58 AM »

Thanks for sharing. 
Helps me to process things from my relationships.
This bit rings so true and seems an important theme in my own r/s.

Excerpt
I'm not competing with him, but he is competing with me.

Feeling like a person I am routing for and want to succeed and want to work with, partner with, support, etc is actually is competing with me.
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
isilme
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« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2017, 11:34:06 AM »

Re: the whole competition thing.

I grew up isolated as an only child in a house with two BPD parents.  I know very little about siblings.  I was allowed very few friends, and very little access to people outside of school where I was often bullied for being weird.

H grew up a middle child in a house with lots of BPD fleas if not outright BPD.  I have a hard time knowing what is the result of normal sibling rivalry and normal levels of competitiveness between people, and what is beyond average expectations.  I feel he's a mix of it, in a way competing with me at times like his brother and sister and other times being a decently supportive spouse. 
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2017, 12:05:18 PM »

not really sure if classifying things as normal helps much here.

What I mean is well, I grew up in a house with lots of pwBPD, NPD, and sociopaths.  So well, does that mean my normal should be allowed to include more leeway in what is acceptable/functional social behaviors?

I think of this one in terms of values.

I strongly value finding a partner who wants to see me do well in life with them.  I also strongly don't do well with behaviors from folks that are competitive to my detriment.  

My sis wBPD was always competitive, spiteful, jelous of me and wanted me to have less because of soothing her own desires of feeling entitled, and to compensate for her self esteem issues.

Imo, fun, playful competitiveness and cheekiness are enjoyable.
The difference is if the person generally is supportive of me and wants good things for me in life.

My issue with my ex was that his desire for me to do well in life was contingent on if it was tied to bringing him some narc supply in some way.
He was only pleased with my growth and betterment if he felt he could take credit in some way, or directly benefit.  If I was getting accolades for work performance, he was not happy for me and minimized this... .it didn't serve him personally... .made me sad he couldn't share in that happiness.

Yet, I always felt like I was routing for him to succeed in life, because imo, it just made our partnership stronger.  (Whereas he was threatened by this in me)

So I am not so sure what siblings have to do with it.  I think it has more to do with self esteem and feelings of self worth, or maybe maturity.

PwPD that I have known want to feel above or "one-up" and have sometimes achieved that through legitimate means and successes, sometimes by stomping down another.

This is the improving section so not stating this to present a decision.  However, I think seeing it is maybe about ones self worth feeling threatened may help relate to the person, idk.

Anyway, thanks for letting me give off a useless ramble 
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Stolen
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« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2017, 02:04:26 PM »

The progression I lived through was: Collaborative->Competitive->War

I think it all traces to splitting, nothing else explains the extreme turnabout.

So extreme I thought it had to be something physical, like a brain tumor.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2017, 03:33:58 PM »

But H seems to think that it is okay for him to eat 6 cookies when coming home, but not for me to eat a cup of green veggies with my dinner in lieu of other items.  70-120 calories per cookie versus 30-60 per cup of veggies is not ever going to convince him.  Explaining that I eat them because I like them does not convince him.

If watching you eat and cook is so triggering for him, can you do your cooking and eating when he's not around, and just avoid the food fights?

It *shouldn't* be his problem if you choose to eat brussel sprouts, although he appears to dysregulate over such things, so you need to prepare for it/deal with it.

It also *shouldn't* be your problem if he eats cookies instead. It doesn't matter that you know something about nutrition which would make him more healthy were he to follow it--I think you would be safer to remove yourself from all efforts to influence what/how/when he eats.
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2017, 02:41:02 PM »

I agree with Grey Kitty, removing yourself from when, what, why of eating may be a solution.

Finding solutions to avoid negative interactions and bring more peace has led me to challenge some routines/traditions.  We don't have to always eat together, or
sleep in the same room, attend social functions together.  Often, what works to
bring about the desired outcome is not what we are accustomed to doing.

Instead of getting stuck in the drama triangle, try deciding what you want, and take an action to get it.  With practice it gets easier.

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isilme
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« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2017, 11:24:48 AM »

I don't feel it's a drama triangle.  And I don't care how many cookies he eats, I just pointed it out to show it's not like he eats that healthy while pointing to the 'surplus' of green food on my plate.  He dysregulates because he feels fat, he thinks I am fat, and wants his mom to exercise and not just eat a salad and have a diet coke.  Since he usually won't yell at his mom, and she's over an hour away anyway, I'm the one who gets yelled at.  He does not hate veggies, but he also refuses to "count" points or calories and I believe he feels that my doing so is judging him.  It's not, but tell that to the BPD.

I am not going to let this make me eat at another time - there's no time in my night for that.  I'm not going to let it make me cook two meals, or cook one for me and tell him he's on his own - again, it's not that drastic of an issue most of the time.  I tend to not make my plate until he's out of the way most of the time anyway - small kitchen and he gets cranky about having to shift a foot this way or that to accommodate me in there.  He dysregulates when hungry, I chalk it up mostly to that.  I just wanted to point out the ridiculousness of the reaction.  This is not a nightly occurrence, and, mostly I do not cook a whole portion of anything... .this has only happened twice now and now that I can see his perception of waste and him thinking I am engaging in his mom's "magical thinking" is the culprit.  So, smaller bags, or be sure to only have things that are frozen so a whole bag does not need to be cooked.  Meh. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2017, 01:15:05 PM »

I am not going to let this make me eat at another time - there's no time in my night for that.  I'm not going to let it make me cook two meals, or cook one for me and tell him he's on his own

Excerpt
Meh.

Choice is yours. You will get occasional drama, blame, abuse, and dysregulation over food around him if you eat/cook with him.

You can do things like buying smaller bags and frozen stuff to address the specific things he blows up over, but that will only go so far--You cannot prevent dysregulations by taking away the triggers; they are powered by his own feelings, his insecurity, his issues, his history with his mom, etc... .and if that is still there, he will find or invent a trigger and blow up sooner or later.

I'd suggest you continue with reasonable accommodations to get around the triggers, AND a plan to protect yourself from the inevitable dysregulations when they come up.
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