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Author Topic: I'm so tired and burnt out  (Read 535 times)
Yepanotherone
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« on: February 07, 2017, 11:05:38 PM »

And worse of all , I'm reacting ! In every way I shouldn't be ! Im responding to the crazy anger , to her chaos and I can't stop feeling I want her out of my home  I can't keep going , she's shredding this family apart at the seams
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Lollypop
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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2017, 11:39:12 AM »

Hi Yep

I just wanted to touch base with you again and to say how sorry I am that you're going through this right now.

I understand that exhaustion and, quite honestly, I got to the point I felt I didn't or just couldn't care any more. Of course that wasn't true, it was just a way of coping.

What's your situation today Yep with your daughter?

How's your partner in this, supportive?

I just wanted to reach out to you because you're not in your own

Hugs

L . 
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
wendydarling
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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2017, 08:53:25 PM »

Hello Yep, I'm with you too 

My, it's so hard when BPD escalates, it certainly pushes us off our balance, and we work towards getting our balance back!. I lie on the floor, breath, let gravity give me back twice a day.

Do not lose hope Yep. I'm sorry to hear you are tired and burnt out at this time and glad you've reached out for support. Keep posting and new threads so we can help you forward Yep.

Expect our Bright Day will visit you her day time.

WDx 


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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Yepanotherone
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2017, 10:31:17 PM »

Thanks so much to you both   I just don't even have the energy to type these last few weeks! So much going on it seems, on a daily basis , I can't keep up!
This last week alone has included the following : on her 17th birthday last Tuesday I had taken the day off work to do something nice with her . Hah! Well it turned into a complete nightmare ! We ended up having a big fight when she lied to my face over and over again about " meeting up with a friend " . It transpired that she was meeting up with the boyfriend ... .The boyfriend who has been feeding her drugs, was about to start her on cocaine, was texting her cruel vile messages and threatening to slash her car tires and egg our home and whom I was having to threaten legal action against to try and get him to stop , and all this only two weeks ago ! Well she ended up running out of the house after physically pushing me and screaming / cursing/calling me for everything , and she left the house. Refused to come home that night, "staying with friends" so I filed a runaway report . The day didn't end there, she eventually agreed to come home when she realized I'd contacted the police , I went to pick her up, and the verbal abuse continued .
This whole week has involved daily screaming matches ( from her)  because she isn't allowed the car ( and won't be for the foreseeable future at this rate !) , she attempts to blackmail and bully us into giving her the car " because it's necessary for me to get better and if you don't , then I'm just going to do drugs again" , endless threats and manipulation with using therapy sessions to try and get her own way eg " I'm not going if you don't take me to Wendy's first ". It's endless ! And on Monday I got home from work early , only to find her in bed with this horror of a boy she continues to call her boyfriend . Even though they both know full well he is banned from the house . I've now threatened him with a restraining order.
I've told her I'm done with being her punch bag and puppet, jumping at her every whim. I literally taxi her and her friends around everywhere yet get absolutely nothing back except vile abuse . Saturday for example,. I ended up taking one of her friends to ER because she had self harmed and had cut herself so deep she needed stitches " and didn't have a ride to the ER ... mum can we go pick her up and take her ?". It's constant chaos and drama !
I'm just fried . Emotionally and physically . My husband is supportive and has recently started trying to be more involved with setting and enforcing the boundaries so that she backs off from me and he gets the backlash for a change! He tends not to get it to the intensity I get it though, because he's much less patient/ tolerant and is quick to lose his temper so she tends to avoid pushing his buttons , it's me that's the soft touch so I'm the target .
Sorry for the rantings  I'm all over the place !
I called the dr today because this young diva of mine needs to get back on mood stabilizers whether she likes it or not ! She recently started on Wellbutrin for the depression during last  month's hospitalization ( the 6th one in 16 months ... ).the hospital  :)r had wanted to try her on lithium as she feels it would definitely stabilize her better than anything else but my DD refuses in case it causes acne !( this is the third dr now who has recommend she try lithium)
Oh ! And the way she is dressing now is just off the chart promiscuous ! I've tried so hard to reserve judgement but yesterday I told her she HAD to go get changed as I was NOT taking her to the psychologist in that outfit.  She was wearing the tiniest black dress so short you could literally see her panties, and thigh High high heeled boots ... .Really ?,.,.    

Her court case for drug possession is looming in March, she's been told today that she is about to be removed from the online school because she is not doing even the minimum work necessary, and we close on the sale of our new home in 2 weeks ... .in amongst all this mayhem

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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2017, 10:43:33 PM »

Thanks so much to you both   I just don't even have the energy to type these last few weeks! So much going on it seems, on a daily basis , I can't keep up!
This last week alone has included the following : on her 17th birthday last Tuesday I had taken the day off work to do something nice with her . Hah! Well it turned into a complete nightmare ! We ended up having a big fight when she lied to my face over and over again about " meeting up with a friend " . It transpired that she was meeting up with the boyfriend ... .The boyfriend who has been feeding her drugs, was about to start her on cocaine, was texting her cruel vile messages and threatening to slash her car tires and egg our home and whom I was having to threaten legal action against to try and get him to stop , and all this only two weeks ago ! Well she ended up running out of the house after physically pushing me and screaming / cursing/calling me for everything , and she left the house. Refused to come home that night, "staying with friends" so I filed a runaway report . The day didn't end there, she eventually agreed to come home when she realized I'd contacted the police , I went to pick her up, and the verbal abuse continued .
This whole week has involved daily screaming matches ( from her)  because she isn't allowed the car ( and won't be for the foreseeable future at this rate !) , she attempts to blackmail and bully us into giving her the car " because it's necessary for me to get better and if you don't , then I'm just going to do drugs again" , endless threats and manipulation with using therapy sessions to try and get her own way eg " I'm not going if you don't take me to Wendy's first ". It's endless ! And on Monday I got home from work early , only to find her in bed with this horror of a boy she continues to call her boyfriend . Even though they both know full well he is banned from the house . I've now threatened him with a restraining order.
I've told her I'm done with being her punch bag and puppet, jumping at her every whim. I literally taxi her and her friends around everywhere yet get absolutely nothing back except vile abuse . Saturday for example,. I ended up taking one of her friends to ER because she had self harmed and had cut herself so deep she needed stitches " and didn't have a ride to the ER ... mum can we go pick her up and take her ?". It's constant chaos and drama !
I'm just fried . Emotionally and physically . My husband is supportive and has recently started trying to be more involved with setting and enforcing the boundaries so that she backs off from me and he gets the backlash for a change! He tends not to get it to the intensity I get it though, because he's much less patient/ tolerant and is quick to lose his temper so she tends to avoid pushing his buttons , it's me that's the soft touch so I'm the target .
Sorry for the rantings  I'm all over the place !
I called the dr today because this young diva of mine needs to get back on mood stabilizers whether she likes it or not ! She recently started on Wellbutrin for the depression during last  month's hospitalization ( the 6th one in 16 months ... ).the hospital  Dr had wanted to try her on lithium as she feels it would definitely stabilize her better than anything else but my DD refuses in case it causes acne !( this is the third dr now who has recommend she try lithium)
Oh ! And the way she is dressing now is just off the chart promiscuous ! I've tried so hard to reserve judgement but yesterday I told her she HAD to go get changed as I was NOT taking her to the psychologist in that outfit.  She was wearing the tiniest black dress so short you could literally see her panties, and thigh High high heeled boots ... .Really ?,.,.   
Her court case for drug possession is looming in March, she's been told today that she is about to be removed from the online school because she is not doing even the minimum work necessary, and we close on the sale of our new home in 2 weeks ... .in amongst all this mayhem

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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2017, 10:58:20 PM »

On the plus side , she hasn't actually missed any therapy appointments despite her threats to not go. She's not been cutting herself nearly so severely or frequently of late , and in actual fact she's not cut herself since the 10th January ( when she overdosed and was admitted ). The wounds are actually getting a chance to heal. And for all her lies , I do believe she's trying to not be tempted with drugs . She's tested clean the last two drug tests I've done with her ( though they don't pick up Schrooms or acid which are two of her favorites !)  . On the flip side however , her general behavior with anger , shouting and cursing has reached levels I had near seen before and her smoking habit ( cigarettes ) is getting to be ridiculous ! Exchanging unhealthy behaviors however is par for the course with BPD I suppose !

Oh and one of my personal favorites that we go through daily ... .my DD-  " it's not MY fault you're not giving me the car, you're just being stubborn and psychotic !"  We go round and round the hamster wheel with this one where she seems to have a complete mental block that in actual fact it WAS and IS  her own fault she's not getting the car !... .For doing drugs in it , for driving while high, and for her horrible behaviors right now! Oh this argument is really getting old !
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Lollypop
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« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2017, 03:30:11 AM »

Hi there Yep

Your phrase shouted out to me.

Excerpt
I can't keep up!

This is a true sign that you need to take better care of yourself. Maybe you laugh when I say this, or even sigh "how can I do that with everything else that's going on?". 

The thing is, you can't fix all of this. It'll all still be there tomorrow. It's time to get off the merrygoround.

Your daughter loves you, she doesn't want to hurt you and, you know, she doesn't like the way she's behaving but she just can't help it. 

I'm heartened that you can see the bigger picture and she's going to therapy. As you say, her meds may be an issue. Her treatment is the priority.

All the dramas regarding drug use, boyfriends, cars, breaking rules are symptoms. Reacting to them just makes it worse. I know you know that already! 

LBJ once said to me that I needed to make my boundaries 6ft thick rock solid concrete (you will not hit me kind of stuff - my boundaries relate to my personal values) and there's always a consequence.  My limits (daily household rules) are negotiable and flexible.   I try and be realistic in my expectations and if something isnt working I try a different approach.  BPD is a slippery beast that twists and turns with whatever is going on in my sons life that day.  Forgive me, if you already know this but I thought I'd say.

I spent most of my life dealing with my BPDs as my husband didn't have the patience or "have the way" with him. I stopped his own growth as a Dad and got in the way of them having a healthy relationship. I'm really glad to hear your husband is taking his part and, like each and everyone one of us, we all learn by our own mistakes.

You're doing great Yep. You're holding on. If I can give any guidance it's to try and get through one conversation without reacting, then build on from there keeping perspective and picking those battles. Vent on the forum instead!

Take care of yourself and WDs suggestion is an excellent one!


Hugs

L
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Bright Day Mom
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« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2017, 09:54:18 AM »

Yep, I am sorry things continue to spiral downward for you guys and know the "burnt out" feeling all too well!

I too have been the bearer of the majority of the ridicule from DD as opposed to hubby; therapists have told me 'cause in her mind I am the closest and the one constant she can ALWAYS rely on.  What has helped me in the past is continuing to tell myself this is her mental disorder talking, not her.  My DD has always been kind, caring, etc... .and I remind myself she herself is in a tremendous amount of pain, which is why she lashes out so viciously.

My girl has been on Lithium since last summer and once it reached the therapeutic level it really helped curb her mood swings and impulsiveness. One of the docs, we've had so many had told me being under medicated often times is harder than not being on any medication.  Do you think she would consider a "try and see" on the Lithium?  Maybe if she tried it, saw how it made her feel, what impact if any (positive or negative) it had she may continue on it? 

BTW, I follow Wendy's advice on laying on the floor... .as simple as it sounds it helps me re-charge and calm... .lots of deep breathing.
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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2017, 08:35:32 PM »

Thankyou ladies so much for helping to ground me again . I need to re read the tools and keep practicing because  my skills have gone to rack and ruin these last few weeks and I'm not proud of it  I think it's been such a shock to deal with the anger and abuse because these behaviors are new! We didn't see much of that at all and I thought she was more of the intrinsic BPD type.  Alas , after the drug bust on the 27th December , the anger and fury about everything has come out in all its BPD glory.  It's like the disorder is saying " hah ! You thought you'd escaped THIS little gem ... But NO ! Here I am ! Welcome to the full gambit of all 9 criteria ! Hahahhaahahaha"
Gosh I sound quite insane !   You know I actually wonder if all the weed and "dabs" ( wax that is burned then smoked ... it's been quite the education !)my DD was doing daily was actually keeping her on more of an even keel and now that she's not doing it, all hell has broken loose ! Now if only I could find a medication that could simulate the effects?  
LP I will definitely take up the suggestion again about posting conversations in which I'm struggling to react and respond well to . It's literally a war zone in our house , every day now
Just got to keep going. I'm praying this new DBT psychologist can work miracles ! She started on Monday , will be once a week initially plus telephone coaching , then will add in the DBT group workwhen the psychologist feels BPDD  ready.

Thank goodness I have my eldest daughter to keep me sane . I do wonder how my two girls could be so different and complete opposites in every which way. My eldest sent me a lovely text message last week after I'd had another blow out with my BPD DD. She said " mum, I just want to let you know I love you very much and I appreciate everything you do for me. We have two amazing parents who support us in every way and have given us so many opportunities . I want to make you both  proud . You guys are doing everything right,My sister is just unhinged . I know it's easier said than done but keep your chin up and we'll get through everything together" .  I literally cried at my desk when I read it .
One girl so kind, thoughtful, compassionate and mature, and the other one is right off the rails !
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Saskia

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« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2017, 03:50:11 PM »

Have all of your children been properly diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist?
Just wondered xxx
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Saskia

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« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2017, 03:54:07 PM »

Do you know what, I know we gave a label calledBPD to put onto people, but who's to say they are just ___ing difficult people
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Yepanotherone
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« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2017, 05:02:25 PM »

Hi Saskia , my daughter has been formally diagnosed yes . I have only one daughter with BPD. My other daughter doesn't have any mental health issues than goodness .
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wendydarling
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« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2017, 10:10:10 AM »

Hi Yep

How are you today Yep  . It's hard to understand the change in behaviour, what you say withdrawal of drugs may have tipped her inside out could be the case, wonder what the Drs make of that and if anyone here can shed light? I've often wondered if my DD's behaviour may change from internal to external.

Under all the chaos and her suffering it sounds like your DD is trying to help herself as you say there are plusses, that can get buried in the sheer volume of upsetting events and emotions of the day.  No cutting since 10 January is an achievement  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

Got my fingers crossed for you and DD, new DBT therapist, a new beginning, a new focus can help change happen, small steps, hang in there!

Big hug to you and as LP says when you have the space pop by and practice your skills with us - LP is the queen of re-dos!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Have you seen any further thinking, change, any little 'click' since you told her you can't cope and it could come to the state caring for her?

WDx
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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2017, 09:16:08 PM »

Hi Wendy, still having a rough day every single day!... .there are two burning issues right now that are creating so much conflict on a daily basis, I'm going to post them both on separate threads and would very much welcome your thoughts and suggestions about how to deal with the conversation as we are just going round and round in circles.
My DD did stop and think after she figured out just how far she had pushed me , and that her efforts to "get my life back on track" lasted all of 2 or 3 days before the tempers began again.


Hi Yep

How are you today Yep  . It's hard to understand the change in behaviour, what you say withdrawal of drugs may have tipped her inside out could be the case, wonder what the Drs make of that and if anyone here can shed light? I've often wondered if my DD's behaviour may change from internal to external.

Under all the chaos and her suffering it sounds like your DD is trying to help herself as you say there are plusses, that can get buried in the sheer volume of upsetting events and emotions of the day.  No cutting since 10 January is an achievement  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

Got my fingers crossed for you and DD, new DBT therapist, a new beginning, a new focus can help change happen, small steps, hang in there!

Big hug to you and as LP says when you have the space pop by and practice your skills with us - LP is the queen of re-dos!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Have you seen any further thinking, change, any little 'click' since you told her you can't cope and it could come to the state caring for her?

WDx

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