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Author Topic: Why do they push us away  (Read 1760 times)
statsattack
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« on: February 08, 2017, 11:18:13 AM »

Anyone have any insight. I don't believe the push pull aspect especially when they push us away and bad mouth to the point were we can't get near them
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woundedPhoenix
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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2017, 12:30:13 PM »

Push Pull is the underlying dynamic that is at play during much of the relationship.

The more anxiety and resentment, or the more closeness that is built up in the course of the relationship, the intenser the push and subsequent pulls get.

And just like with a rumbling volcano, when the pressure buildup goes off the chart, it eventually errupts burning down anything in its vicinty.


It's a series of defense mechanism that kick in, where their confused feelings around attachments echoing back from childhood trauma need to be avoided, and in a desperate attempt to regain selfcontrol the borderline splits you black.





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Moselle
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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2017, 12:50:04 PM »

The push pull is also a test in the beginning of the relationship. A borderline needs someone to offload those intense emotions onto - a scape goat, and then someone who is willing to live with alternating push/ pull dynamic.

A healthy person won't stand the push/pull for very long, so this is a test to determine the emotional health of an individual. They recognise the damage it does and the trauma bond it creates.

Its very tough to experience.

I was in this type of thing or 15 years and I started to push/pull myself  Can you see any evidence of your role in it?

What's going on that makes you think of this statsattack?
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apollotech
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2017, 12:50:17 PM »

I don't believe the push pull aspect especially when they push us away and bad mouth to the point were we can't get near them.

Hi statsattack,

I'm a little confused here. You asked for insight into the push aspect of a BPD relationship, then you say that you don't believe in the push/pull aspect. Could you clarify this ^^^^ or what exactly you're looking for? Thanks.
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2017, 01:44:35 PM »

In my case it was probably a combination of fear of abandonment (I was feeling very ill with a physical illness and asked for some time alone as it was affecting my mood and our relationship) and because she possibly realized I was catching on to her disorder. Her move to push me away was a preemptive strike.
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statsattack
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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2017, 03:05:59 PM »

In my case it was probably a combination of fear of abandonment (I was feeling very ill with a physical illness and asked for some time alone as it was affecting my mood and our relationship) and because she possibly realized I was catching on to her disorder. Her move to push me away was a preemptive strike.

The last part is what I went through
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statsattack
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2017, 04:57:40 PM »

I don't believe the push pull aspect especially when they push us away and bad mouth to the point were we can't get near them.

Hi statsattack,

I'm a little confused here. You asked for insight into the push aspect of a BPD relationship, then you say that you don't believe in the push/pull aspect. Could you clarify this ^^^^ or what exactly you're looking for? Thanks.


The pushing away part makes sense. But how do you push someone away so far that they can't possibly come back and get mad at them for not being there for you to hold you saying everything will be fine because of how far they pushed you away.
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blueblue12
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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2017, 05:24:57 PM »

After a ten year relationship, the last year I was treated appallingly I was basically pushed away, dumped badly I was "the monster, as bad as the parents and her brother, who all abandoned her" that's what I was told repeatedly.

I was there obsessed, it was a drug, I was addicted, but it was so cruel... .and now I realise that the breakup was not my fault. But I was there trying to fix everything. I could not stop the development of the three stages and the discardment was there throughout the last year and I could never stop it.

In terms of the push/pull at the end she would even say things like "I can't believe that we are in this position, as we were meant to be together forever, but here we are" it was like even though she knew that there was love and a committed relationship that her head was telling her that no matter what this had to stop. I was discarded. It was so weird... .
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apollotech
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« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2017, 10:26:36 PM »

The pushing away part makes sense. But how do you push someone away so far that they can't possibly come back and get mad at them for not being there for you to hold you saying everything will be fine because of how far they pushed you away.

statsattack,

Thank you for your reply. I don't really know, haven't read, anything about your relationship or your partner. Having said that, what follows is in the context of someone with BPD as I understand the disorder. Your ex probably abandoned the relationship due to Engulfment, not Fear of Abandonment. These are rhetorical questions to ask yourself: How close were y'all emotionally when she left? Had y'all made plans for a serious future together---talk of marriage, moving in together, starting a family, etc.? We're y'all spending a great deal of time together? How well was the relationship going when she left? If your answer is positive on some of these, then I would read up on Engulfment and how it manifests itself in a BPD relationship.

BTW, I wouldn't count on her not making a return, regardless of how far you think she has pushed you away or how much you believe that she despises you as a person. If her Fear of Abandonment gets triggered (your being too far away) she might do a 180 and begin idealization you again.

In the end, it is not really about her; it is about you and what you want. Take care of yourself in all of this.
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statsattack
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2017, 11:38:25 PM »

How do you know so much about BPD? I am taking care of myself after 27 years finally taking care of my ADHD
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apollotech
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« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2017, 12:19:53 AM »

How do you know so much about BPD? I am taking care of myself after 27 years finally taking care of my ADHD

Ha, I don't know that much about BPD, just a layman's knowledge about the disorder; although, I have done my homework, more than I ever wanted to do. Like anything, BPD is defined through categorization; as a result, patterns can be recognized and attached to the disorder. (That's how the BPD outliers were collected and the diagnostic criteria were compiled to diagnose BPD.) That's why it was important for you to know what was going on in the relationship when she left. Knowing that could possibly point you in a direction to find an answer to your question, why do they push us away? I hope that answered your question.

That's great news about taking care of yourself! You are the only person that you can actually change. And like I said earlier, in the end, when you have all of the answers that you need, when you have closure, when you can move on, etc. you will still have to take care of you.
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statsattack
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« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2017, 08:36:21 PM »

Figured its not engulfment

My situation is she pushed me away so far that it seems impossible to pull myself back in
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Moselle
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« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2017, 01:32:10 AM »

Figured its not engulfment

My situation is she pushed me away so far that it seems impossible to pull myself back in

If you pull yourself in, why are you willing to play a role in the push pull dynamic?

What might  a healthy response look like, where everyone's rights are respected?
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earlyL
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« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2017, 06:30:24 AM »


 it was like even though she knew that there was love and a committed relationship that her head was telling her that no matter what this had to stop. I was discarded. It was so weird... .


I can totally relate to this, I feel exactly the same. It just feels so weird. I got an email saying ' we do have a future, just maybe not the one we imagined' this after a six week period of living with me while trying to process her feelings. It all seemed so final at the end, even though I actually ended it.
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statsattack
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« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2017, 08:37:08 AM »

If you pull yourself in, why are you willing to play a role in the push pull dynamic?

What might  a healthy response look like, where everyone's rights are respected?

My apology got the wording wrong.

If she smears me and pushes me so far away how can she possibly pull me back in if she cut off that rope to pull me in
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apollotech
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« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2017, 12:16:30 PM »

If she smears me and pushes me so far away how can she possibly pull me back in if she cut off that rope to pull me in.

stats,

I think you're working under the presumption that a pwBPD has planned behavior, specifically the push/pull dynamic that you're asking/talking about. It's not planned, it's a maladapted defense mechanism at play. She probably isn't asking herself the question that you're asking: how can she bring me back after pushing me so far away? Nons recycle with their respective BPD exes all the time, so I wouldn't bet the farm on her not returning.

How sure are you that your ex is possibly afflicted with BPD?
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Kelli Cornett
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« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2017, 12:22:23 PM »

Mine was aware that she had this push behavior.  She told me many times - "I push people away"...

But she didn't seem to have any awareness as to why or how to not do that...

Then again that could have also been a manipulation -
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statsattack
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« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2017, 04:31:46 PM »

If she smears me and pushes me so far away how can she possibly pull me back in if she cut off that rope to pull me in.

stats,

I think you're working under the presumption that a pwBPD has planned behavior, specifically the push/pull dynamic that you're asking/talking about. It's not planned, it's a maladapted defense mechanism at play. She probably isn't asking herself the question that you're asking: how can she bring me back after pushing me so far away? Nons recycle with their respective BPD exes all the time, so I wouldn't bet the farm on her not returning.

How sure are you that your ex is possibly afflicted with BPD?

I'm 98 percent sure she has it. She told me she has ptsd but her behavior align with BPD not ptsd
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statsattack
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« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2017, 05:03:59 PM »

Mine was aware that she had this push behavior.  She told me many times - "I push people away"...

But she didn't seem to have any awareness as to why or how to not do that...

Then again that could have also been a manipulation -

Mine did and didn't say same thing
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Rayban
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« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2017, 05:07:20 PM »

Short answer  ... . cause they can.
I believe that a borderline will begin to push when they feel a non is emotionally invested.  They confirm this with a myrade of testing.  Once they fee they've hooked you they'll push you to secure another source.  This will leave a non baffled ... .and try harder to please.  Before you know it a trauma bond is created.
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Moselle
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« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2017, 09:11:55 PM »

I believe that a borderline will begin to push when they feel a non is emotionally invested.  They confirm this with a myrade of testing.  Once they fee they've hooked you they'll push you to secure another source.  This will leave a non baffled ... .and try harder to please.  Before you know it a trauma bond is created.

This is spot on Rayban. They do it to children as well, not just partners
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statsattack
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« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2017, 09:46:32 PM »

Short answer  ... . cause they can.
I believe that a borderline will begin to push when they feel a non is emotionally invested.  They confirm this with a myrade of testing.  Once they fee they've hooked you they'll push you to secure another source.  This will leave a non baffled ... .and try harder to please.  Before you know it a trauma bond is created.

That sounds right but so dam evil and irrational. So your saying they put us through hell so we always feel guilty/ attached
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Moselle
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« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2017, 01:16:53 PM »

That sounds right but so dam evil and irrational. So your saying they put us through hell so we always feel guilty/ attached

Irrational against most healthy definitions yes, dysfunctional and painful too. But I believe this is a disease not evil. Just my opinion
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statsattack
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« Reply #23 on: February 11, 2017, 02:10:49 PM »

Irrational against most healthy definitions yes, dysfunctional and painful too. But I believe this is a disease not evil. Just my opinion

I didn't mean to call it evil because they aren't bad people and my x is a loving person. But reminds me of the exorcisst
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hopealways
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« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2017, 08:32:50 PM »

Many mistakenly believe BPD involves fear of abandonment, when it is really an engulfment fear primarily.
The BPD seduces the non, then feels engulfed by the non's love so they push you away. Then that distance triggers their abandonment fears so they pull you back in. This toxic cycle continues over and over.
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« Reply #25 on: February 23, 2017, 04:14:43 AM »

My BPD-ex bailed because of engulfment I think. Things were going so well on the surface. She fabricated an incident to bail. I've set some pretty strong NC boundaries, I hope to never see her again, so I can move on and build a healthy relationship NOT founded on co-dependency. What a headache (understatement of the year).
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apollotech
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« Reply #26 on: February 23, 2017, 11:12:15 PM »

Many mistakenly believe BPD involves fear of abandonment, when it is really an engulfment fear primarily.
The BPD seduces the non, then feels engulfed by the non's love so they push you away. Then that distance triggers their abandonment fears so they pull you back in. This toxic cycle continues over and over.

That ^^^^ is the toxic BPD pull/push dance. And I agree with you hopealways, Fear of Abandonment gets way too much credit, mistakenly so, as a push component of the disorder rather than what it truly is, the pull component of the disorder.
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