I'm more confused than ever after reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

[bananas2]

So I'm just finishing reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells," & now I feel worse than before I read it. I must be missing something here.
I thought I was going to learn strategies to not have to talk & act a certain way to avoid his "tantrums" (as I call them). But most of it was teaching me to change the way I interact with my BPD H so that he doesn't get triggered.
I have been trying these strategies, and they definitely are effective in not triggering him, but if I have to constantly be careful how I say things, doesn't that mean I am walking on eggshells?
Isn't it just enabling him and encouraging him to not change his behaviors? Isn't it just making me disingenuous when I can't express myself in a way that feels natural for me?

I'm sure many of you have read the book, so I'm curious as to your thoughts. Thanks!

[Duped 1]

I read it too. It  doesn't seem like any way to live to me quite honestly. There has to be something better out there than having a RS with someone who has the emotional intelligence of a 4 year old.

[slcguy]

I certainly see your point.  And I agree that it isn't fair.  The best thing would be for him to change and treat you the way you deserve.  But you can't control that, you can only control the way you behave.  The techniques that I have learned through the book and here on this site have helped me stop or at least minimize the abuse that i was suffering.  One of the key things is that abuse is never acceptable and that you can set boundaries to prevent it.  If you cross one of his triggers and he starts to go off on you, you do not have to take it and, in fact, have need to stop the abuse.  Hard to do and he will push back hard to continue the relationship as it had been.

[tbddbt]

Those strategies do not work on everyone.  I made it a point to be as accommodating as possible and do whatever I could to avoid conflict.  My late BPDw needed conflict in her life to exorcise the bad feelings and emptiness that she always felt.  She tried to get me to react or engage me by criticizing everything I did and blaming me for that all she perceived was wrong in her life.  When I refused to engage or react (this took a lot of patience and practice), she became physically abusive.  This may not be everyone's experience and I may have contributed to this by being a "doormat", but it seemed like she "needed" the fighting and wouldn't quit until she got the inner rage out of her system.  And as unfair as it was for me to be on the receiving end,  it was also extremely unfair for her to have this condition and contend the type of abused and degraded life that she had before she met me.

[sweetheart]

WOE was my introduction to the pervasiveness of this illness and it helped me understand just how serious dysregulations could be. It was my starting point for deciding how I wanted to proceed in my marriage.

Many people come here to bpdfamily because they are in crisis as I was. I wanted the verbal abuse to stop and I wanted my dBPDh's dysregulations to decrease. I also wanted to understand the psychodynamics of my relationship by learning about my part in the dysfunction.

Once the dysregulations were under control, and our lives became more stable, I was able to see that my husband was no longer able to meet me as an emotional equal. I chose back then to stay and accept that in the absence of my husband entering long term therapy that my marriage was going to look very different from what I had expected before this illness presented itself.

Reading the lessons on here, understanding as much as you can about this illness will help you make informed decisions about whether your relationship is something you want to continue with. Understanding your part in the dysfunction will be key to your emotional well-being and accepting that if you stay your relationship will have certain limitations because of the nature of this disorder.

I am now in the process of planning to leave.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thanks for sharing this.  I read SWoE, the newest edition for families. I can't remember the whole title.  I had to put it down for a few months as I processed the first half of the book.  When I got to the section about tools to live with your pwBPD, I just felt like it was not helping.  I felt like it was just giving me ways to endure more abuse - not what I needed at the time.  

It does paint a descriptive picture of the BPD perspective to help me understand the point of view of my uBPDw.  I am glad I read it, and went back to finish it, and I still consider it recommended for all people dealing with a BPG sufferer.  But, it's certainly not the elixir of life I expected from the description.

[ACObound]

I read SWoE, the newest edition for families. I can't remember the whole title.  I had to put it down for a few months as I processed the first half of the book.  When I got to the section about tools to live with your pwBPD, I just felt like it was not helping.  I felt like it was just giving me ways to endure more abuse - not what I needed at the time. 

I believe you are referring to "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" subtitel : New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.
I would concur with your analysis and would also recommend it as it may gain some understanding and empathy with your pwBPD.  Strategies were helpful, but certainly did not relieve the pain of 30+ years of abuse and criticism of everything I said or did.

[Skip]

I have adopted these tools for use at work, with my family,  and in my relationship and I have had more positive energy than I ever experienced in my life. I picked them up from Shari Manning, Randi Kreger, and Alan Fruzzetti's books.

Just learning how to listen, how not to be invalidating, and how not to be defensive, will improve your relationships with people.

I have been trying these strategies, and they definitely are effective in not triggering him, but if I have to constantly be careful how I say things, doesn't that mean I am walking on eggshells?

It means your learning new people skills and it will be awkward at first until you learn it - then it will be second nature.

Strategies were helpful, but certainly did not relieve the pain of 30+ years of abuse and criticism of everything I said or did.

I'm sure they did not. It's true that we can learn to not take things as seriously going foreward, but past resentments are often justified, run deep, and take an effort to resolve.

[formflier]

  The best thing would be for him to change and treat you the way you deserve.  But you can't control that, you can only control the way you behave.  

I would add to this, "asking in better way" for them to improve their part of the relationship matters as well.  At the same time respecting their answer to your request.


FF

[ArleighBurke]

I think you are taught better ways to communicate so as to not trigger them or escalate the mood. But there is nothing that will PREVENT them from becoming disregulated. I would hope that you would also learn how to disengage when needed - to walk out of the room - and to KNOW that it is not your fault. In my mind, that means I have greater control - so I'm walking on eggshells less. But yes - I'm still changing the way I interact. With time it becomes second nature.

[Grey Kitty]

I have been trying these strategies, and they definitely are effective in not triggering him, but if I have to constantly be careful how I say things, doesn't that mean I am walking on eggshells?

For me the changes in how I said things felt different in two ways:

1. I came to feel stronger and less fearful... .actually less like I was walking on eggshells, in the end.

2. The results were a lot better than what I did before!

Oh yeah, and like Skip said, I found that most of these techniques were ones I use with everybody I interact with when I can remember to now--with good results--except that most of the people I interact with don't have BPD, and if I didn't, the "bad" results wouldn't be a full dysregulation.

[Freida]

I totally agree Duped1 that a relationship with the emotional maturity of a child is not my idea of a healthy relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Heybananas2, When I first read SWOE, it confirmed for me that my situation was not unique and that there was an actual diagnosis for what I was experiencing in my marriage.  Before that, I was just swinging in the dark and attributing my spouse's emotional outbursts and tantrums to PMS!  Agree, it helps to learn techniques that enable one to better navigate the turbulent BPD waters.  Yet at the end of the day, you still have to make a decision whether to continue down the same river.

LJ