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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I have lost count of how many times he's made me leave with him.  (Read 491 times)
Freida

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« on: February 09, 2017, 04:10:12 AM »

Wow my head is reeling from reading this as it explains so much of partner's behaviour. He is a very big man in a child's body and will throw a tantrum at any time, especially if I asked him to do something eg; move table in garden as it's taking away from him playing around in his shed for 5 mins. He won't wait to be served in shops/bar/banks as 'they are putting him down'. I have lost count of how many times he's made me leave with him.He is known as a 'gentle giant' yet has lashed out at people violently. If I made sexual overtures he quickly told me that I was 'slutty' but now demands sex when he feels like it and doesn't want 'no' for an answer no matter how I say it. If I don't make his lunch for the next day (I work too) he says I don't care. I am afraid not to do it now as the tantrums and throwing things have become worse. I hate sex as it's cold and impersonal and I am not allowed to ask for anything that he could do to pleasure me as that would be critizing him. I also feel that I'm with a big child. I am trying to get out of the FOG and these articles explain so much. I have made up my mind to go as it's not going to change and I'm depressed when I'm with him. Been away on a course has given me the separation I needed to see the situation. I have found a place to live so am going back to collect my dog and personal pocessions and will leave by the end of next week. I will no doubt be like all his exes who are very bad people in his eyes. Actually a few of his friends have told me that I need to leave as his behaviour isn't changing and he won't seek help.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2017, 09:00:32 PM »

Hey Freida:

Quote from: Freida
I have made up my mind to go as it's not going to change and I'm depressed when I'm with him. Been away on a course has given me the separation I needed to see the situation. I have found a place to live so am going back to collect my dog and personal possessions and will leave by the end of next week. I will no doubt be like all his exes who are very bad people in his eyes. Actually a few of his friends have told me that I need to leave as his behavior isn't changing and he won't seek help.

Sounds like you have a plan in place.  Does your partner know yet or are you planning on gathering your dog and personal items when he isn't home?  Do you have someone to support you in this move?  Perhaps someone to accompany you when you go to retrieve your items?

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Freida

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« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2017, 05:08:57 PM »

Hi Naughty Nibbler, I have asked and been granted relaocation with my job to the city. That's not going to happen for 2 weeks (admin) so I am undecided about telling him. I came on this forum to get help in deciding how to leave. It will depend on his mood but that can turn at any time. I came back yesterday and he was here so decided to say nothing. He was very happy to see me so I was again torn by guilt. We went to a mutual friend's party and all was okay until the barman ignored him (he was very busy) and partner threw a tantrum that shocked even those who knew him. I was forced to leave as we'd taken his car and home is an hour away. I feel such pity for him but know that I can't live with this. Leaving without telling seems to be the safer option. I wondered if anyone else had done this and what did they do. I also realise that many members on here have probably heard these questions time and time again and have moved forward. I'm feeling stuck in being a decent person or just getting out.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2017, 08:50:06 PM »

Hi Freida:   

Quote from: Freida
I have asked and been granted relocation with my job to the city. That's not going to happen for 2 weeks (admin) so I am undecided about telling him. I came on this forum to get help in deciding how to leave.

I feel such pity for him but know that I can't live with this. Leaving without telling seems to be the safer option. I wondered if anyone else had done this and what did they do. I also realise that many members on here have probably heard these questions time and time again and have moved forward. I'm feeling stuck in being a decent person or just getting out.

Sometimes, a separation can give you time to make a final decision.  Perhaps you leaving, might push him to get some help.  You shouldn't feel guilty, if you make a decision for your own safety and well being.

Is it possible for you to get some counseling?  A few sessions with a therapist can be helpful in leading you to a decision that you are comfortable with.

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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2017, 09:53:14 PM »

Hi Freida,

I agree with Naughty Nibbler, seeing a T is a very good idea. I don't have experience with leaving someone without telling them, i've seen it though my exes's dad left her mom and went no contact. I suspect that his attachment has BPD traits, the man would do house renovations every weekend that he wasn't working. He was avoiding her because of the way that she was treating him.

You have a right to be happy. Seperation can be difficult to come to a decision because I feel that there is so much ambiguity, the are no clear answers sometimes. If he chooses not to work on himself and treat others decently and respect their boundaries, mental illness is not an excuse, he has an obligation to take care of himself, if he would take care of himself the benefits would trickle down to loved ones.

Everyone's situation is unique, there's no judgement here and don't beat yourself up. I can see how it would be difficult when he has moments were he's nice, i'd step back and look at bigger picture, he has good qualities and bad qualities, if the bad outweighs the good and the bad moments are much longer than the good ones, and he doesn't want to change its understandable that you'd want to leave, it's a personal choice whatever you choose we'll walk with you, you're not alone.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Freida

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« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2017, 12:06:36 AM »

That really got to me Mutt when you say I'm not alone and that you will all walk with me. I feel so alone at the moment. Good days may only be good hours and that's what I have to remember. I have said that I feel like I'm looking after a child but he's not a child even if he acts like it. I began this relationship when I was an empty-nester so it's my fault for 'mothering' him. I thought he was fun and exciting to be with but that ended aburptly. I live in a rural area with not many counselors around. My doctor tells me that I have reactive depression. When I am in the city and can see family and friends I am a completely different person. I will see someone when I'm there to talk this through. I am definately leaving but the idea of just disappearing seems harsh. He won't get help other than being on a high dosage of antedepressants. I have heard him speak about his exes and I know that he will talk about me in the same way. Such a sorry state of affairs.
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Turkish
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« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2017, 12:58:22 AM »

Freida,

You said that he's "lashed out at people violently. "

Do you feel safe? Have you not felt safe in the past?

T
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Larmoyant
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« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2017, 01:08:24 AM »

Hi Freida, you sound like a lovely, caring person and I just wanted to say that you deciding to leave without telling him doesn’t change that. It’s ok to put you and your safety first. You sound like a caretaker, like many of us here, and we often put our own needs on the back-burner for our BPD partners often to our own detriment. I can understand your feelings of guilt though. It’s one of the things that seems to keep us stuck. Would writing a letter for him to read when you’re gone help?
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2017, 01:13:40 AM »

Hi Freida,

I'd like to echo Larmoyant, your self worth doesn't change.
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Freida

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« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2017, 01:37:30 AM »

Hi Turkish, Larmoyant and Mutt,
I have been afraid in the past when he's thrown objects whilst in an incontrolable tantrum. He can also be verbally abusive. At 6'4 and a big man to my 5'2 very slender, he could hurt me very badly but hasn't to date. He has been violent towards men in the past, just lashes out if he feels someone is making him feel inferior and most things do, unfortunately. That's part of 'walking on eggshells' for me. A wrong look, word or deed is all it takes. I have left before due to this but he'll ring me crying and yes, the caretaker in me will react. Hurting someone is not in my nature. I deal with abused teens and know how to deal with outbursts but I expect that from them. I know that he has been badly hurt by his father who is a narrcistist and his ex wife who was very controlling however I am hurting now. Yes, my sense of self-worth is eroded but not to the point where I won't take action. The problem is that until recently I thought he was just a childish person but with nobody to ask, I felt like I was the one who was mentally ill. I have doubted my sanity on a daily basis. I have 2 weeks, a place to live when I leave, kids and friends who love me in the city so I must judge the situation as it comes. If I leave I doubt I will be able to take all my pocessions but being safe is more important.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2017, 12:46:48 PM »

Hi Frieda,
I broke it off with a physically abusive ex-husband and we continued to live on the same property, though not together, until finally our divorce was finished.

I stayed with him for years because I didn't want to "hurt" him, though he thought nothing of hurting me through repeated affairs, verbal abuse and physical violence. Of course, he would go though the apology stage and I would truly believe that he'd turned over a new leaf, but then rinse and repeat.

Finally I drew a line in the sand and told myself if he ever did certain behaviors again, I was done. And I stuck by my promise to myself.

As predicted, he tried to apologize his way out of the situation and no previous strategies he employed now worked.

I learned later that he trash talked me around town, but the people who knew me saw through that and it just reflected poorly upon him.

It took me years to leave, years where I could have had a lovely relationship with a healthy normal man, or just enjoyed a peaceful life by myself. Never for even a minute have I regretted pulling the plug on that relationship. I only wish I had done it sooner.

   

Cat
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Freida

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« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2017, 02:10:17 PM »

Thank you for telling me your story, Cat Familiar. It has reminded me that if I don't do something for myself, I will regret it. I have a new grandchild coming into the world in September and that gives me hope. By leaving this situation I will be able to live without this constant worry and grief. I am in the stages of grief as described by Kubler-Ross. I swing between anger and disbelief but hoping to find acceptance. As you say, the years ahad will be lost if I don't do this final act for myself. Living alone in peace would be so much better than this. That was my final wake-up call so thank you so much. Hope all is well in your world now.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2017, 06:29:32 PM »

Frieda, I'm glad that was a bit helpful. My life is quite good, but I've married yet another BPD partner. This one is much milder and way kinder than the first. Obviously I had a need to learn something from all this.

I know I tend to be a rescuer and I really had no proper template of relationships, having grown up with a BPD mother. All in all, I'm utilizing this opportunity as a way to work on myself and become healthier and stronger. (That wasn't really very possible when my previous BPDh created crises constantly.)

All in all, I'm better with him than without him and he's tolerant of me pursuing things in life that don't include him, so I have a nice group of friends I enjoy and activities that give me pleasure. I've just had to let go of the fairy tale romance I thought I had with him, as it was something he aspired to in the beginning of the relationship, rather than something he was able to maintain.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2017, 06:40:17 PM »

It was hard for me to leave my abusive ex, and it's hard to face being alone when you remember the good times. I understand the loneliness, but it sounds like you will feel so much better not being scared of every little thing you do and say.
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Turkish
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« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2017, 01:18:41 AM »

Freida,

Have you thought about reaching out to local resources by phone to get perspective and support? These calls are anonymous.  They can help point you to local resources you may not know about.
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Freida

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« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2017, 05:01:07 PM »

Hi to everyone who has replied. I can relate Cat Familiar to not having any template for a healthy relationship whilst growing up. My father died when I was a baby, my grandfather sexually abused me and my uncle physically abused me while my mother looked the other way. I was thinking about my family of origin and how it played such a part in my life when I thought about SO's family, Narcissitic father and codependant mother and I suddenly thought 'that's us'. He shows no empathy for others, will interupt someone to tell 'his story' and takes everything as a slight against him then throws a tantrum. I meanwhile, am walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace! I felt so sorry for his mother when I am her double! That was a shock like cold water being thrown in my face. I spoke to my daughter who told me that the whole family can see it. I have rang various helplines in the past, Turkish but without any clear understanding of what was going on. Momtara, yes I believe that being alone will be better than this. I also read on another post that their BPD SO wasn't brushing their teeth and mine isn't either. It's almost as though he wants me to say something so he can get offended. I am only here so I can take up my new position in the city in 10 days but still haven't worked out my escape plan.
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Turkish
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« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2017, 09:57:35 PM »

Hi Freida,

What do you mean by not having a clear understanding of what's going on,  do you mean the people on the help lines?

I'm glad you are thinking about an escape plan.  A plan is what's needed,  and no matter what's happening in the moment (in most cases except immediate life threats), logical steps and a plan are what's needed. Have you seen the safety pen here?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

The teeth bushing thing is likely about him,  not to get a rise or of you,  though it might.  Walking away from triggers like this is better than engaging,  even if it disgusts you.  Focus on keeping yourself safe. 
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Freida

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« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2017, 01:18:28 AM »

Turkish, thank-you for that very informative link. I am a Suicide Prevention Volunteer at Lifeline Australia. Whenever I rang in the past my SO's behaviour was so bizzare, one minute loving the next angry and name calling. The helpline thought it was due to him reducing his meds, as I also thought that but he's just as bad on them. Now I've found out from a neighbour that my SO (in the past) had taken a hammer and killed 20 chickens just like that because he felt slighted by a woman he was seeing. When I met him I had had one year of therapy plus 3 yrs alone. He seemed to be caring,gentle and kind. He was so unlike anyone I'd ever met before. I am a city woman,petite, retro-style, artistic and well educated (not that it matters) while he was this giant of a man, ruggedly handsome (always washed and brushed teeth) country loving and our shared interest was vintage VW Beetles,music and similar sense of humor.He is also intelligent and well read but hated school. He took me to the outback, we slept under the stars and I felt safe and loved. I am crying now. The abusive behaviour began slowly, irritated easily, then throwing things, swearing, agressive behaviour and disappearing for hours. I walked away and he promised that it wouldn't happen again but it did and it has. It doesn't happen all the time but I'm on eggshells  as I really don't know what triggers it. His friends are advising me to leave. They know him but don't have to live with him and he doesn't behave like this with them but they've seen him act agressively. I enabled him to treat me this way and I deserve better than this. I will return to therapy. I work with teens who've been horribly abused and I do a good job. I 'get' them and handle them well. I don't get flashbacks to my own abuse. I have actually felt forgiveness. I am sorry for such a long reply. Perhaps I needed to say it.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2017, 10:40:58 AM »

Freida,
I'm sorry you've been through so much with your SO. Your story reminds me of my beginnings with my ex-husband. He was so kind and solicitous at the beginning of our relationship that he hooked me through that behavior. The first incident I saw that gave me a hint of his out of control anger was when he smashed something that was his prized possession on the wood stove. I was horrified. Over time, he became verbally abusive to me and then physical violence followed.

At the time, I was planning a career as a therapist; ultimately I quit grad school when I realized that I didn't have the necessary temperament to do that kind of work. It was so ironic to me that I was wanting to help others when I wasn't able to help myself.

Part of the problem with BPD is that it often sneaks up on you a little bit at a time. You think, this person has had a rough life and I can sympathize. Then I found myself creating more elaborate excuses, hoping that that nice person who showed up at the beginning would return. Finally, when he had swept me up in his never ending chaos, I was figuring that either I would live this out to the death, or I had to escape. I chose escaping and it was the best decision I ever made.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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