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Author Topic: BPD sister made my life miserable  (Read 587 times)
sibling1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 6


« on: February 10, 2017, 11:08:38 AM »

Hi, I'm new here

It's nice to know I have s support net out there now that I've finally found this site. I honestly don't know where to start but I'm sure from what I've read I'm not alone when I say she made my life a living hell. In her case, she's been "off" as far back as I can remember. Her ability to manipulate my dysfunctional parents as soon as she was able to communicate is phenomenal! The lies, my god I can't even begin to describe the length she will go to. My entire childhood she managed to "do things" that my parents wouldn't hear or see, however, I would always get grounded or whipped. She took great pleasure in her manipulation tactics. I've gone through counseling for several years which has helped somewhat. unfortunately, my sister will not accept she needs help. Her own children won't even have anything to do with her. Anyway, here we go again with another new husband and most likely this one won't work out either. The sad thing is once my mom passes I will finally have peace in my life because I won't have to deal with her. It sucks that even though I avoid here at all cost she can still make me feel guilty about not having anything to do with her for the sake of my mom.
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sibling1

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2017, 11:35:01 AM »

I was so nervous about even posting I forgot to ask... .


I won't enable so I know my attitude clashes with her's. How on earth do you get through conflict resolution with a BPD person? Every time she does seek help, she will go to therapy right up to the DX and then quit as soon as the therapist tells her she needs serious help. I believe she is bipolar as well due to a DX years ago by yet another therapist. She wants to repair our relationship but only on her terms.  I want her to tell the truth about a horrible accusation against my husband and I that happened years ago. Is that too much to ask of her? She will admit to our mom she has done many bad things to others but will refuse to make amends to those she has hurt. You see, mom has been her enabler since childhood.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2017, 12:06:18 PM »

Hi Sibling1,

I can understand how nervous you must feel posting for the first time. I know I was ,but I doubt I would have gotten better had I not. So thanks for sharing. At the end of the day no one will know who siblin1 is, so what could go wrong.

You are right, an apology is the least you should expect. But as you may already know, someone with BPD cannot apologies, not unless they are under treatment, and that is super rare. The fact your sister gives up on Therapy is very BPD unfortunately. So maybe it’s a case of learning to accept the things we cannot change. Extra hard in your case, because normal sisters wouldn’t act that way and would apologies. However, there are many techniques we can use to get the best out of someone with BPD and protect ourselves from painful encounters. There is a thing called radical acceptance, which helped me. If you are at the stage where you know your sister will never change or apologies, but are still deeply upset by all that, then check out radical acceptance. Also your T may know techniques, on is called Gestalt technique, where you get to rage back at your sister (only she’s not there) but ask your T about that, you can’t DIY that one. But let us know where you are in your recovery, and what sorts of tools or techniques would help. Welcome to the board, and feel free to share. This is a safe environment, where people are rarely judgemental. BPD behaviour is very predictable, so chances are someone else on here will have had a similar  experience.
 
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
sibling1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2017, 01:56:03 PM »

Hi Sibling1,

I can understand how nervous you must feel posting for the first time. I know I was ,but I doubt I would have gotten better had I not. So thanks for sharing. At the end of the day no one will know who siblin1 is, so what could go wrong.

You are right, an apology is the least you should expect. But as you may already know, someone with BPD cannot apologies, not unless they are under treatment, and that is super rare. The fact your sister gives up on Therapy is very BPD unfortunately. So maybe it’s a case of learning to accept the things we cannot change. Extra hard in your case, because normal sisters wouldn’t act that way and would apologies. However, there are many techniques we can use to get the best out of someone with BPD and protect ourselves from painful encounters. There is a thing called radical acceptance, which helped me. If you are at the stage where you know your sister will never change or apologies, but are still deeply upset by all that, then check out radical acceptance. Also your T may know techniques, on is called Gestalt technique, where you get to rage back at your sister (only she’s not there) but ask your T about that, you can’t DIY that one. But let us know where you are in your recovery, and what sorts of tools or techniques would help. Welcome to the board, and feel free to share. This is a safe environment, where people are rarely judgemental. BPD behaviour is very predictable, so chances are someone else on here will have had a similar  experience.
 


My T had me do the Gestalt technique. It provided some relief but I'm at the no contact stage right now and can't seem to work past it.  I can't help but think this is probably the best solution for now.  I keep thinking if she would finally get help it would be better for all of us.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2017, 03:47:28 AM »

Hi Sibling1,

You're right, it would be better for those around if she got help. Do you feel in control now you are NC ? I’ve been NC for 3 years, and my T couldn’t understand why I would want to link back up. But I will, and I’ve recovered from my C-PTSD enought to do that soon. I have a friend who went NC for life, and it worked for her. We have choices.

But I also found the sticking point was accepting that once a BPD  gets to a certain age, especially if they’ve been enabled, I understand the likely hood of change is very rare. So its comes back to use just accepting, we can not change this. Which was a big sticking point for me. How are you on this point ?

Another thing that helped accepting this, was my T asked me to grieve the mother I should have had. By writing a  eulogy and burning photos of her. Then burying it. It did help.

The other thing was empathising better, and understanding my BPD is mental ill. To view her as an 8 year old child, which is where she is emotion in some respects. So now I’m at the point of, “Do I really want to go through all that again ?” And for the sake of my other family members, I will give it another bash. What about you ? Why do you want to hook back up ? Are you better prepared for dealing with the BPD stuff ?
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
sibling1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2017, 09:33:37 AM »

" Do you feel in control now you are NC ? "

Great question, the answer is not really. Unfortunately, mom has traits if BPD as well. Even with NC I have to deal with a meddling mother who is trying to force a relationship.  Believe me, I have already grieved the mother I should have had. As far as a non-treated BPD recovering is rare, I'm having a hard time accepting and just letting sis do and say as she pleases while I look the other way. I have done this my entire life. I'm tired, I just don't feel like I should be the one who forever has to find a way to make it work. I just don't know if I have the energy to give it another go even for the sake of (other) family members. I could better deal with her if she would get the proper help but at this point it will never happen.
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Charlie3236
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« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2017, 09:35:07 AM »

Hi sibling1, so glad your found us & wrote! I'm struggling with the SAME issues with my BPD little sis. We are currently NC, and it's soo peaceful! But I'm still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about it, especially because we lost our BPD mother to suicide when sis was 7. She kind of got stuck there emotionally, and I feel somewhat responsible for her as I had to step into a pseudo-parental role for her when I was only 12. It's so sad and hard, but her wrath just became more than me and my c-PTSD (from mom) could bear.

We tried to go LC again, and it was AWFUL! So until she can be kind and respectful (fat chance, I know) we'll stay NC to preserve my own sanity & my family peace.

What I wanted to say is that you do NOT need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself, or cutting her off completely if you need to, permanently or temporarily. Sometimes it's the only way, sad but true. Sure an apology would be great, but like was already stated... .the chance of a BPD apologizing is almost impossible. It requires a level of emotional maturity that they just don't have.
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sibling1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2017, 10:20:24 AM »

Hi sibling1, so glad your found us & wrote! I'm struggling with the SAME issues with my BPD little sis. We are currently NC, and it's soo peaceful! But I'm still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about it, especially because we lost our BPD mother to suicide when sis was 7. She kind of got stuck there emotionally, and I feel somewhat responsible for her as I had to step into a pseudo-parental role for her when I was only 12. It's so sad and hard, but her wrath just became more than me and my c-PTSD (from mom) could bear.

We tried to go LC again, and it was AWFUL! So until she can be kind and respectful (fat chance, I know) we'll stay NC to preserve my own sanity & my family peace.

What I wanted to say is that you do NOT need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself, or cutting her off completely if you need to, permanently or temporarily. Sometimes it's the only way, sad but true. Sure an apology would be great, but like was already stated... .the chance of a BPD apologizing is almost impossible. It requires a level of emotional maturity that they just don't have.

Even with therapy, it's been hard to finally let go of the past. I've spent a VERY long time fighting with both my parents about my sister's issues which they ignored and pampered her because "she's had such a difficult life". It wasn't until they finally admitted she has a mental issue and needs help. Imagine that! Finally, after years and years, they admit it and I found a small sense of relief, however, they still sympathize with her. Right now NC is the best for me. She has caused so many issues with everyone around her that most of the family avoids her.

Charlie3236, I think you're right. I think it's the guilt my parents made me feel as a child.  I actually never put a word to how they made me feel concerning her. In fact, I was always told to cut her some slack because of "this or that".
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2017, 01:05:54 PM »

Unfortunately, mom has traits if BPD as well. Even with NC I have to deal with a meddling mother who is trying to force a relationship... .I'm tired, I just don't feel like I should be the one who forever has to find a way to make it work.
BPD quiet often have allegiances. Is it possible your mom has your BPD sis as the golden child ? My bro has NPD and we were also told to “cut him slack” etc... The BPD dynamic is such that they control the family. As a parent it’s only natural to take the line of least resistance. Hence asking you to keep the peace and cut the slack, because they knew your BPD sister never would or possibly its just BPD allegiances. It is unfair, and it is very frustrating.  I know I was angry with my Dad for allowing the BPD NPD to dominate. But BPD are unbelievably good at creating this dynamic over time.
 
You also say  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) I'm tired, just don't feel like I should be the one... .Well as the saying goes, I'm not my brothers keeper, why do you feel you are your sister's ?
Your sister is an adult, sounds like you've done your bit and some. If someone, anyone, doesn't show you respect, do they have any rights to your time ? Maybe focus on yourself, and what you need right now to mend. What do you need right now ?

So if NC works for you , keep doing it. It took me 3 years to heal. So long as you're headed in the right direction. And if you keep posting here, that may help you navigate.
 
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
sibling1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2017, 02:12:53 PM »

I can't even find the words to say how nice it is to "talk" with others that get it. This in itself is a comfort. Just out of curiosity, any of you have a BPD who feels the needs to have numerous undiagnosable mystery illnesses? As soon as she feels threatened she becomes "ill".  Right now I'm watching her manipulate my parents with illnesses that have no definitive test procedures to rule out or confirm. I think I'm going to just sit back and take no comment when the parents want to talk about how "sick" she is.
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Charlie3236
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« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2017, 10:59:55 PM »

My BPD little sis doesn't have that pathology, but I do have a hypochondriac step-mom who can literally make herself physically ill when she's upset about something (which is often). Every few months she has a different, sometimes VERY SERIOUS diagnosis... .Like breast cancer or viral encephalitis! I feel really bad for her, but for me and my mentally healthy brothers it's tough to know exactly how to best handle it.

I can tell you that confronting the mentally ill with their stuff usually backfires for me! They just don't have the mental faculties to fix things or even accept a diagnosis, even if they are aware that something is wrong.

I'm soo glad you found us! This group has been INVALUABLE to me as a resource in dealing with my BPD sis. I honestly would not be where I'm at with the people here! 
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