Daughter is pregnant , has bpd, is single

[Blueeyes62]

My 23 dd is single, living with me and pregnant. The father is not in the picture at all. She originally wanted to keep the baby, keep living with me. My emotional and physical health would take a serious toll if things went this way. She the spoke of placing baby for adoption, but now is planning for an abortion. I am heartbroken and in severe anguish as I know she would keep the baby if she could just live with me. I feel I would be enabler her to take more help from me to where it would be very difficult for me, but the thought of her having an abortion has been heartwrenching. I'm scared she will regret the decision and could result in worsen I ng BPD symptoms. She feels she would be suicidal if she carried the baby and gave up for adoption so feel that mentally and emotionally an abortion is better for her and doesn't want to live alone and raise a baby on her own. I 63 with some health issues no, but fear I am being selfish by not telling her she can just live with me as I know I would end up co-parenting the child. Please help - I am trying to do what is right, but have been in therapy a long time learning to stand up for myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

This is certainly a difficult situation for both of you. First of all- you both have your needs and need to look out for your own well being. At 62, it's understandable you would have concerns if your D was living with you and you were parenting a baby.

Preserving your own emotional health is not being selfish. Your D may be choosing to do this for herself as well.

Your daughter also has legitimate concerns. Being alone and a single mother at 23 is a challenge and even more of a challenge for someone with BPD. She may not be able to handle this.

What are the alternatives? Adoption seemed like a possible compromise. Now she's changed her mind. Is this a threat- if you don't agree to let her live with you, then she's going to have an abortion. ie- is she using the unborn baby to get what she wants. Or does she truly not want to carry the child to term?

Do you not want her living with you at all, or is it that you don't want to be in the position of raising a baby in your circumstances- health and age? If she can't live with you, what will she do and how would she support herself?

If abortion is legal in your area, she is an adult and she can make this choice. Depending on how much time she has to decide- some states have strict limits, perhaps there's time for her to discuss her concerns with you.  Would she consider open adoption?

Each of you has the right to make the decisions you think are best. I think it's important for her to know you love her unconditionally no matter what her choice and you are still willing to be emotionally supportive of her. I think you also can express your concerns -without judgment of her- and let her know she can speak to you.

[js friend]

Hi Blueeyes62,

This is such a difficult one .

My udd had her first child at 19yo and was pretty adamant for quite a while, after finally announcing her pregnancy (which was kept secret for quite a while) that she would be having an abortion, then she said that she wanted the baby adopted. The same happened with her 2nd child (20 months apart) which she also ended up keeping .

I think you are quite right to be upfront with the concerns you have about your health, age and how much support you will be able to provide. This isnt being selfish. Its being aware of your own circumstances and limitations. My first gc is now 12yo and udd and the baby lived me for a while after the birth and she needed lots of support and I also working. I know that I definitely would struggle if I did it now.

I think that it is important right now to make sure that your dd knows knows all her options. can the baby's father, his family, a friend or a family member able to take her and the baby in if she chooses to have the child?

Be prepared for your dd to change her mind several times and try to stay neutral. I always tried to not show any emotion when my udd discussed her options as I knew that later on down the line I would/could be somehow be blamed for any decision she made.
 

[CC43]

Hi there,

I feel for you, you are in a very tough spot indeed.  I think you should be able to make decisions based on your own best interests, and not feel guilty about it.  You've seen how hard it is to live with your adult BPD daughter, and you can imagine how much harder it will be on you if she continues to live with you and bring a baby in the picture, while making you responsible for both of them--financially, emotionally, logistically and physically.  Do you feel like you really know your daughter, and you can predict what she'll do and how she'll act, even before she's made any decisions?  I feel that way most of the time with the BPD in my life.  History has taught both of us what to expect, and how things will go down.  We can hope for the best (and appear that way externally), but we have to gird ourselves for the worst.  Do you feel like you're watching a slow-moving train wreck?  It's because you know your daughter better than anyone else.  No matter what her intentions and her stated objectives, you know full well what is going to happen.  So I guess my advice is, you're allowed to make choices to protect your well-being.

Granted, if you say your daughter isn't allowed to live with you anymore, she will throw a fit, and she'll threaten you and use her child as a pawn.  If she has severe untreated BPD, she will have an extremely hard time supporting herself and her child, and her child will likely suffer.  If you say your daughter is allowed to live with you, but not with a baby, she will blame you for making her give up the baby or for making her have an abortion.  Do you think I'm right here?  I guess my point is, you will be blamed and hated no matter what you decide, so you need to decide based on your own best interests, knowing that YOU are not to blame for your daughter getting herself in this situation.   I'd say, you make it clear that it's your daughter's choice whether to have the baby or not.  But it's your choice to say that she can't live with you and the baby in your home, because you are in no position to have a baby in your home anymore.  If she thinks she is adult enough to bring a child into this world, then she needs to bear full responsibility, or else find someone else to take that responsibility from her so she can focus on herself.  Fair enough?