Tired and considering no contact

[Sissy53]

This is going to be long, sorry in advance. I recently spent time with family, and that included my BPD sibling. Every time we get together there is a row, and due to my age and living in another county, something inside me just snapped this time. I’m now struggling with possibly going no contact. I love my family including my BPD sister, but the just-under the-surface resentment is exhausting. She consistently makes comments about my appearance and alludes to me looking like a certain famous person who would not be considered conventionally beautiful. A simple conversation about an appointment I had made for my hair turned into an opportunity for her to say how she thought I should cut my hair and then “you won’t look like xxxxx”. This time however, in the moment, I reacted by just standing there looking fed up, and that was all that was needed to go into full argument mode. I might add we were in public and my young child was present. “Are you that offended?? I was complimenting you!!” And on and on until it was a full scale public meltdown, full of righteous indignation. My mother was also screamed at when she tried to say “why are you making comments on your sisters appearance anyway?” Sadly, this led to my BPD sister screaming “Oh you’re no better than her, nothing I ever do is good enough for you!”. I might add my mother is the most supportive and kind person to my sister. I received two long voice notes late that night doubling down on how hurt she was by my actions, going back years, and telling me how I’m not “doing it to her anymore”. I did not respond and I left to return to my country of residence without any further contact, or saying goodbye. I am aware of my own personal issues and have tried to see my role in it all, but at this point I’m just so done.

BPD sister is a consistent party-drug user, has no spouse or kids, and currently unemployed. I am the “boring” (her words) sibling with a job, spouse, child, steady job etc. I face multiple challenges every day with a immunocompromised child, demanding job, and just paying the bills like everyone else. I rarely get phone calls and if we do talk it’s all about her and her issues for 45 minutes, then when I talk she “has to go.” Yet the voicemail said that I “always talk to her like a parent” and how much she hates it. No messages for my son ever, no birthday cards, nothing.

If you have read this far then you will have read the first time in my life I have ever gone public with my situation. Not really sure what I am looking for, non-judgmental support would be a great start. The issues are often so subtle I feel like no one else can really get it. Hoping people here might.

[Notwendy]

We do understand and there are several of us who have considered this decision.

If you are in another country from your sister, distance is a type of boundary. There isn't frequent in person contact, and so I think you can think of your options and what to do.

NC is certainly an option but one difficulty with NC is that if the person is connected to other family members and so will be included in family get togethers, you'd have to avoid all of them in order to not see her.

Another option is LC- where you decrease contact and also when you do have contact, decrease the emotional content of conversations and interactions- so you don't get into as much drama with them.

It helps to have our own emotional support- counseling for these situations. It feels hurtful when someone we are close to says something mean to us, and if we react, the exchange can escalate. While we can not control what another person says or does, we can have some control over our reactions to it. Counseling can help us with how to do this.

Either NC or LC is a choice, so you can choose what works best for you in your family situation.

[zachira]

You are far from alone in feeling tired and considering going no contact with a disordered sibling. I have been no contact with my sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder for several years, which has ended up with my going either low contact or no contact with the family members who enable my sister. Going low contact or no contact does not have to be a permanent decision. For most of us on this site who are low contact or no contact with a disordered family member, finding out what kind of contact works best for us has taken time as we work on adjusting our boundaries to figure out what level of contact is best.

[TelHill]

My brother (I’m his sister) has strong BPD traits and I’d prefer no contact but am not due to us both spending time with our elderly non-bpd father.  I tell my brother next to nothing about my life.

I’ve been his target in smear campaigns within my family or he’ll ridicule me to my face. He’ll have no ammunition if he knows nothing about me. I would like to share more of my life with my dad but it’ll get back to my brother if I do.

You may want to consider what you’ll tell your mother if you go NC/LC with your sister. Sometimes a parent will deny their adult child has problems.

They may ask you to smooth things over and get along with them. Your sister could retaliate by telling your mother that you are a terrible person with made up stories.  It happened to me when I went NC with my brother a few years ago.

If this is a likely scenario, preplan as much as you can.

[Notwendy]

Yes, these kinds of dynamics can involve the whole family. Changing your part in the family dynamics may involve other family members too.

Reading up on the Karpman triangle dynamics helps explain this.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Other family members may step in as "rescuers".  I may not have shared something personal with BPD mother, but if I shared it with others in the family- they would share it with her. So keep this in mind when considering what to share with other family members.