20 years of no contact with my BPD mom and she still affects me

[lexicat]

The story of the toxicity in my family is much too long to post today. But when I got engaged my mom told me I would be a terrible mom and she couldn't wait to laugh in my face. She told me my entire childhood that I was useless and no-one would ever love me. I chose no contact a few months before my wedding and have now been married for 20 years (happily). This week my son started college and it was supposed to be an exciting week for all of us.

The problem is I think I clung too tight trying to show my support to my son. I want him to always feel loved and not go through the pain of having no parents growing up (my father was not there, I only found out a couple years ago my mom forced him to stay away). I tried to help him get organized for college and I stepped all over him. Today we had a fight - our first fight ever - and he said he wants to move far away from me. He said I was stupid to lean on him so much. I've never heard him say anything like this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

All I can hear is my mom saying no-one would ever love me. I've worked part time all of my son's life and tried to support him but also give him freedom and now I'm questioning everything I've done as a parent. I'm feeling ashamed and worthless. My son has apologized and I don't want him to feel terrible. He was likely just mad and feeling a lot of stress, especially since all of this was out of character.

But I can't stop crying and I hear all the things my mom told me over and over in my head. Too many terrible things to list. I feel like I'll never be rid of the horrible family I grew up in. I live across the country and haven't seen or talked to them in more than 20 years. All this old pain is just pouring out of me. Where do i go from here?

Lexicat

[Notwendy]

All I can hear is my mom saying no-one would ever love me. I've worked part time all of my son's life and tried to support him but also give him freedom and now I'm questioning everything I've done as a parent. I'm feeling ashamed and worthless. My son has apologized and I don't want him to feel terrible. He was likely just mad and feeling a lot of stress, especially since all of this was out of character.

But I can't stop crying and I hear all the things my mom told me over and over in my head. Too many terrible things to list. I feel like I'll never be rid of the horrible family I grew up in. I live across the country and haven't seen or talked to them in more than 20 years. All this old pain is just pouring out of me. Where do i go from here?

Lexicat

I understand- this is difficult. I am glad your son apologized. While this is a big moment for both of you, it's also a big emotional step for the two of you too. This is one of those big milestones and changes, and while college is not quite leaving the nest, (as he doesn't have his own home yet) it's a big step towards that.

Going NC helped prevent further drama with your BPD mother and helped you feel safe but it didn't undo the childhood you had with her. Sometimes current events can trigger these fears and feelings.

We can still get triggered by situations that resemble our experiences with a BPD parent- even 20 years later and possibly longer than that, and probably most from the people closest to us, the ones we are most invested in. It helps to keep in mind- they didn't trigger us on purpose- we are the ones who had the experiences with our mothers- it's our own trigger and if we feel triggered we can see that it is something we need to work on.

When your son said what he did- to you, emotionally, it felt like your mother said it. You felt the same fears and rejection that you did as a child.  But your son isn't your mother, and you aren't your mother- your relationship is between two different people and it's an entirely different relationship. I have had similar experiences with my own children, my H, and even strangers. One time a parking attendant yelled at me to move my car to a different spot. She may have been having a bad day or just shouting so people could hear her but I had a freeze and fear reaction when she did that. It's harder when it's our own children because we are so invested in getting this relationship "right".

Not only is your son not your mother- he's also an 18 year old - and feeling the need to be independent and a part of this is to separate from parents, and not appear like a momma's boy. I think the underlying emotions at this time on both your part is- he's scared, and you are too, but he's not going to cry and say he's going to miss his mother. This isn't how he thinks he should act now that he's 18 and in college. I think the stress and fear in the moment led to the argument and mean words on his part. Look up the song by Alice Cooper "I'm Eighteen" which I think is a great description of this age. They may be legal adults but they still have a lot of growing up to do.

What to do now? I think counseling helps. I haven't done it continuously but I have turned to it during some big life events and this is one of them. We didn't have the kind of role models for being the kind of mother we want to be. Sometimes we need some emotional support too. My BPD mother has passed away recently. I turned to counseling for support during her last years and I have stayed with it to process some of my experiences. Your going NC with your mother was a part of your emotional growth- but you may benefit from counseling to help with this and also with your feelings as your relationship with your son evolves as he becomes more independent.

[zachira]

Having an abusive mother with BPD who said and did cruel things to you is a life time sorrow. My mother with BPD is deceased. Her cruel words and actions still haunt me from time to time. You have done everything to be the opposite of your mother. The bond between a mother and son is very special. It does hurt while being a source of pride as a child becomes more independent and needs us less. What your son said to you was hurtful and I am glad he apologized. With life time sorrows, we do need to grieve the losses at different moments in our life. You are not alone in not wanting to be like your mother. I seem to worry too much about treating people as badly as I was treated by my disordered cruel family members.

[lexicat]

Thank you to both of you. This helped me see things more rationally. It's hard to get myself out of these emotions when they hit. It's been years since the last time. I will read your responses a few times to help ground myself again. I'm so glad this place exists. My first post was 20 years ago and sometimes I need the help again from people who get it.

Lexicat

[Methuen]

Hi Lexicat,

Goodness, I can see where what he said would send one into a spin.  It hit your vulnerable spot.

That "taking to college" and setting up house/dorm, and the "goodbye", is tough for any parent/child.  Like NW said it's a time of stress, because it's such a monumental change and stepping stone (more like a gigantic leap!).  Change is always stressful, even when it's something someone looks forward to, like a wedding, or a move that's wanted, or even getting ready for travel.  Even positive stress is still "stress" which means heightened adrenaline, more easily aroused emotions, and less "filter control".

Your son would have been excited about going to college, but also stressed because it's a transition with unknowns: he has to make new friends, maybe have a room mate, worry about getting the classes/profs he wants, managing his finances, and his choices away from home.  And while he knew what to expect in high school and at home, this is a whole new field of unknowns.  Not to mention he has to now look after his own laundry, and perhaps some other chores.  You on the other hand are experiencing a whole different set of challenges with him leaving home.  So it's not really surprising that emotions collided into a bit of a storm.  I think this is a pretty common occurrence.

What is special here, and speaks to the qualities of your son, and also the parents who raised him, is that he apologized.  The kid is 18.  I'm guessing that a lot of 18 year olds aren't in the habit of apologizing to a parent after a mistake, and a lot of parents would like to be in your shoes with a kid who did. I am a retired high school teacher. I spent a career working with teens and loved it, and I've seen all their emotions and behaviors. It's more typical than you think.  I feel confident that if he apologized to you, you've got a keeper kid there, and that kid also has a keeper parent!  

He owned it at 18.  My mom is 89, and hasn't owned a bad behavior in her life. Just saying.

What I'm working towards here is a paradigm shift for you.

The words your mom said are probably words she was projecting onto you to dump her toxic feelings about herself as a mother.  Just because she said them to you doesn't make it true.

He was likely just mad and feeling a lot of stress, especially since all of this was out of character.

Yes, this.

You say you "stepped all over him".  So whatever this means and however it looked, be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you were coming from a place of love and caring and support.  That is completely different from how your mother treated you.  So you tried to do too much maybe?  OK - it got a reaction, and now it sounds like you've both learned from that.   He apologized to you, and you get to decide how to respond in turn.

This isn't a big change in your relationship, or the end.  It's just a blip.  My kids have finished college and are well into their careers.  I've had my share of blips with our kids.  What I can say is they are just that - blips.

Every relationship has ruptures at times, even the strongest relationships.  It's how we manage the "repairs" that really matters.  And these "repairs" can strengthen relationships and continue to build trust and actually make the relationship stronger.  The important part is that the repair actually happen from both people.

The emotional response you had is understandable.  It would have hit me exactly the same.  Our nervous system was programed to think the worst by our mothers. But NW hit the nail on the head.  Instead of feeling "she was right" (she wasn't!), take it as a sign that there is some unresolved "stuff" there for you to work on.  I'm 63 and still working on my "stuff".  My uBPD mother is 89 and lives 5 min from me and I have not gone NC, and I feel like I have quite a bit of "stuff" still, even though I've been working on it intensely for 5+ years.  Like Zachira says, a uBPD mother is a lifelong sorrow, but this also means that we have more work to do on ourselves.  Which is important, because if we let ourselves be hurt when others don't filter their own emotions or behaviors, we are perpetuating the cycle of our mother, and none of us wants to do that.

You've got this.  I believe in you.  And if you're 18 yr old son apologized, that's a testimony to his character, and yours as the parent who raised him.  That's the paradigm shift.  Also, it's how you both respond to to the blip that matters most, and it's less important that it happened.