The inescapable endurance of the BPD personality

[Methuen]

Where to begin.

Sometime in the last year or two, Zachira suggested I travel more, to put geographic distance between me and my mother, and give myself space to breathe.  This summer I took that advice.  I just got home yesterday.

It was bliss. All of it. I came home feeling more optimistic, invigorated, energetic and hopeful than I have felt in many years. While away, I did not phone or contact her.  She is in assisted living now, so I knew she was cared for, and her needs were being met.  Since getting home I hit the ground with my feet running, and easily had the energy to pursue a flurry of tasks, and enjoy doing them. 

Until.

This afternoon I went to visit her.  I brought gifts.  Some she liked. Some she didn't.  It didn't matter because I was in a "good place" and could stick handle her.  The visit went well in the beginning.  I stayed too long - because it was going so well!

I had actually stood up to go straighten a picture on the wall as a transition to get ready to say I had to leave, and she sensed this and got into her task making, demanding, complaining, negative, accusing, and "life isn't worth living - I'm just here to die mode" and worked through all of that in under 5 min.  It was a remarkable showing of her "skills".

Yet with everyone else who visits her, they all report she is so much happier in assisted living (she fought going there with all the meaness imaginable).  This implies that when she is miserable with me about her living arrangements, it is a choice to be miserable with me, because with others, she reports how happy she is.

And there it is, in under 5 min and at the end of the first visit since going away, despite being happy with her friends and her grandchildren, she is miserable with me, and the positive effects of being away and finally getting space from her, erode.

I stood my ground.  "Mom you have a new walker that was OT recommended especially for you, and works really well for you in this apartment".  Getting the walker Joe has, isn't going to fix your problems.  You're whole life you've wanted what other people have, and even when you get it, it doesn't make you happier".  Bait and switch.

She wants her paints and ironing board again.  She can't lift an iron.  She can hardly lift a cup of water to drink. She constantly complains everything is too heavy. She has Parkinson's in her right hand.  She can't drink without spilling, and struggles to eat.  She doesn't like going to the dining room, because another resident pretends to have a shaking hand.

"Where are my paints?" 

Me: you said you didn't want them anymore.  We gave away, sold, or donated everything you didn't want."

"I want my acrylic paints".

Me:  You painted in oils.

"You got rid of all my stuff and now I can't do anything".

And there it is.  Everything including her unhappiness is my fault.

The interesting part of this little story?  She hasn't painted in 30 years, since her friend who mentored her painting adventures moved away.

So no, when she said she didn't want her painting materials anymore, we had no reason to not believe it.  So yes, everything is gone.

I was weak here:  "Mom I'll take a look and see what I can find".

Mom:  I want it now.

Me: I go back to work tomorrow mom. 

That p_ssed her off.

And there it is.  That feeling like I can never quit working, and retire (again).  (I came out of retirement to get space from her demands/attacks/meanness). 

I just feel so emotionally unsafe around her.  Others don't.  My H doesn't.  Our son doesn't.  Her friends don't (or do they?).  The health care aides don't.

Back to short visits, with another person in attendance, thanks to the inescapable endurance of the BPD personality.

The wheels on the BPD bus just keep going around and around.  The environment can change.  Other people around her can change.  The world changes.  But remarkably, she stays exactly the same.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am so happy you finally got to have a real vacation without having to deal with your mother. What a difference it can make to feel safer from your mother's abuse even if it is not permanent. Long breaks from the abuse can strengthen you and make you less susceptible to being as impacted by how your mother mistreats you. I finally came to realize that I was the target of my sister with NPD and nobody else got treated as badly as I did, and for this reason, I went no contact with her. Of course nobody witnessed the abuse, because my sister behaved differently when others were around. You have got this; your decision to not go alone and for shorter visits will likely make it more difficult for your mother to abuse you and her abusive behavior will probably bother you less if you have a support person with you. You have come a long ways and now have the means to feel mostly lighter, and happier. At some point, you may feel safe enough to retire, as your mother's behaviors impact your well being less and less.

[Notwendy]

I am so glad for you that your mother is in AL and that you were able to travel and have some time to yourself.

I also was the person my BPD mother blamed, complained to. It is frustrating. Like the paints- we hired someone to help move the larger items out of my mother's house. She met him, agreed, and I got the contract. The man sent it to me since I was the one to arrange it. Then, a day later, she calls me and says she changed her mind about him.

I emailed him back to ask him to send the contract to her. I knew at this point that if I hired him, she'd blame me for anything that was moved or donated from her house. She then decided to sign the contract and let him move her.

It seemed that whatever plan we arranged- for her- she'd change her mind about it and then blame me for whatever was done that she didn't like.

AL was better for her. She needed the help. What she was telling people is that her family forced her out of her house but it was her financial situation that prompted it.

BPD impacted other relationships too- the staff, and eventually her friends and family. It may feel like it's you but BPD affects all relationships. When I visited, it felt similar to your visits, and also I felt emotionally unsafe around her.

If other people don't feel unsafe around your mother- it isn't because of anything you have done.  She isn't their mother. I can't think of any other relationship as vulnerable and dependent as a child is with their mother. Your experience with her is unique. You are an adult now but your experiences with her began in infancy. Your H had his mother and your son has you. They are going to relate to her differently.

Continue to take care of yourself and to manage this in whatever way you need to.

[Methuen]

Today I get a call at work from mom’s OT.  Mom left a message saying she didn’t need OT any more and demanded to be discharged.

It’s important to note that the OT was set up in the first place by mom and her PT.  The PT was to help her with her speech problems caused by her Parkinson’s. The PT saw and learned from talking with mom that she was struggling with functional tasks like feeding herself. Hence she recommended OT and mom agreed.

Later when her name came up on the waitlist and she got the first OT appointment, she accused us of setting it all up and “making her do this”.  Then she refused to go to the first appointment. There was a massive kerfuffle, she had everybody running around, but in the end, went to the appointment and liked the OT!  She got weighted utensils to help her eat, and many other helpful things.

Tomorrow was appt #2, but she cancelled it.

Just like she cancelled home care for her eye drops (and then lost her vision).

The irony here is that she set up the OT in the first place.

It’s another example of poor decision making.  And self sabotage?  Is this a form of self sabotage?

It’s really extraordinary how emotional dysregulation correlates to poor decision making and a loss of the services that she herself requested, only to subsequently demand they stop.

It just seems pretty self destructive.

My struggle now is to make myself believe that all the lies she will make up about us and tell people who know me and H, don’t matter.  I’m just not comfortable with her slandering H and I. It’s a small community.

Just yuck.  Chaos.  Again.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother did this- refused PT, was non compliant with the health care plans. I'd spend hours in team meetings (by Zoom) as health care plans were being made- and she'd agree to them, and then, change her mind.

Even with daily tasks- the aide would come to help her take a shower and she'd refuse or say she was too busy. She also refused to go to meals in the dining room.

This wasn't depression. I don't know if it was self sabotage as much as it was about control. Being in assisted living, depending on people to help- comes with a loss of control, so I think she tried to control what she could.

I think the slander is from victim perspective. Things she said included that her family forced her out of her house. After discussions with the social worker at a nursing home facility about her possible need for that, she anounced in front of everyone that "her family was dumping her in a nursing home" and the idea was dropped.

What I felt during this time was fear at helping to make any decision, or to have anything to do with her belongings, or anyone in connection with her, because, even though I did what I could with the best of intentions, she seemed to find something I did or didn't do that didn't suit her. 

I don't have advice other than to hold on to the belief about who you are. You are doing your best for her. Even with what she may be telling people about you, I realized not everyone believes it and learned that some people even saw through it. Likely some people didn't- but if they were going to judge me, there wasn't much I could do about it. You know you are a good person, you know who you are.

[zachira]

It is incredibly painful to be the target of ongoing slander by your own mother. Some people will believe her, though not necessarily forever, and others will see the truth. It is extremely difficult for a person in assisted living to hide who they really are because they are so vulnerable and part of a community who see each other throughout the day including the three daily meals. Your mother no longer has the protection of hiding behind the walls of her house and venturing out occasionally for a few hours, only showing her carefully rehearsed presentation to the outside world. Most people will see her for who she is, as the difficult people in assisted living no longer have the means to fool most people. I still feel hurt from time to time as I get mistreated and judged from time to time by people who have bought the smear campaign of me run by my disordered family members. Let yourself feel hurt when someone judges and treats you because of the lies your mother tells. It helps to feel the deep sadness underneath the anger of how unfair it is to be treated like this by your mother when you have done everything possible to help her.

[Notwendy]

Let yourself feel hurt when someone judges and treats you because of the lies your mother tells. It helps to feel the deep sadness underneath the anger of how unfair it is to be treated like this by your mother when you have done everything possible to help her.

Yes, it does feel hurtful. There wasn't any way to control what BPD mother did or said to other people. It also changed my impressions of people in her circle as I didn't know what they thought of me, and so I didn't get too close to them or trust them.

What she said about people wasn't only about me. She'd complain about other people and it would turn out that they were good to her.

I felt uncomfortable around people in her circle. I remained polite to them at family events but also would be in tears too, as being around these people was stressful. I can understand it's difficult in a small town where people all know each other.