Young Adult dtr attracted to bad relationships

[Parents! Get help here!]

Making progress on other enabling behaviors but can't get over worry about possible danger in romantic relationships based on past, serious problems but hard to get an adult to listen because their need to be in intense relationship is strong.  What to do?  Haven't found good advice - get told to just don't worry which is crazy.

[distressedbpd]

Making progress on other enabling behaviors but can't get over worry about possible danger in romantic relationships based on past, serious problems but hard to get an adult to listen because their need to be in intense relationship is strong.  What to do?  Haven't found good advice - get told to just don't worry which is crazy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Oh, it's hard watching young adult children make risky choices, I hear you (my husband's kids are 17 & 19, and while they don't have BPD, their mom has many traits that have rubbed off on them).

Is your daughter on the younger side (18-19) or older? In college? Holding down a job? Still living it at home, or out of the home? Doing any other generally age appropriate things? Just getting a picture of her functionality.

It sounds like she communicates with you (or, at least, you have some visibility into her life) -- does she seem to experience you as someone who listens to her?

Young adulthood is a tough time to parent. What does your support system for yourself look like? Not a lot of my friends have the step parenting challenges that I do, so I often come here or tell my therapist about what's going on, because I agree: getting advice to "just not worry about it" doesn't quite do it for me either.

Any other family members in the picture? Do you have a spouse or other kids? How's everyone doing with your D's risky choices?

I'm guessing there's a lot of backstory with your situation, so hopefully we can start there and learn some more, whenever you're ready.

[Pook075]

It may be tough to hear, but your friends are right- the path here is letting your kid learn from their mistakes.  That doesn't mean, "don't worry," but it does mean that you can't try to be at the center of everything either. 

Give your opinion, show why the relationship is potentially toxic, and then take a step back.  When it implodes, be there for your kid and let it be a bonding experience to grow closer.  Then rinse and repeat until they begin to get some sense of who to call a friend.

The reason this happens is because people /w BPD have low self esteem and often feel misunderstood.  Who understands them best?  Others with mental illness; they sort of feed off of each other's emotions.  At first it's great because everything is so relatable, but it always blows up in spectacular fashion and everyone is deeply hurt.

Again, the key here is growing closer to your kid without fighting them at every turn.  They need to learn right from wrong, and telling them only ensures that they'll rebel even harder.  It's a far better approach to say, "You're making a mistake with that person and they will hurt you, but I love you and support your decisions regardless.  Just be careful!"

In short, stop being "the enemy" in their mind that doesn't understand anything about them.  Every time you argue, they feel like you'll never be able to love them because they're so different.  I'm sure you've never said anything like that, but it's how they feel and feelings = facts in their mind.

Make sense?