Got A Call Tonight About My Mother

[Turkish]

From my mom's former neighbor.

Except for a call before Christmas,  I've been NC since a April 1st when I brought her back to the mountains and her filthy hoard.  She was picked up by the local police,  making accusative against me.  I took her back.

The neighbor told me stories of my mom meeting people on the bench at the local general store. This is a rural area.  As it has been since the early 80s that I can remember,  probably low lifes looking to take advantage. Her truck broke down (her licence was suspended anyway last spring). She's been hitching it on the highway , all the while living in the Shack where  the ceilings are falling in,  black mold, hoard and animal filth.

I haven't heard anything from the adult protective services social worker in 8 months.  I know know she's on their radar.

The former neighbor lapsed back into codependency. She said she was working with my mom on balancing her checkbook.  Right.  A person who lost a house and 25 acres to foreclosure and almost her current property the same of not for thousands of dollars "loaned" my by me and others. 

The neighbor was concerned that she hadn't heard from my mom in a few days. She told stories of dysfunctional people being around.  I said that this has been the norm as long as I was aware,  circa 1980.

I could send my buddy to check on her,  but he just lost his mother last month.  I live over two hours away by car.  Major reorganization at work; just got our kids out of their grandmother's house and though we found alternate  childcare, I'm adjusting my schedule to make up work hours (getting in at 630 on days I don't have the kids as opposed to just 930 on days I have them). I put on 5 hours last Saturday to make up time.  I deem my kids safe now due to by battering Ez having moved out and separated from her H. That's at least one down.  Work has amped it up; I need to focus and concentrate. My kids depend upon me.

The neighbor wanted me to fix things.  I told her to call the sherif to do a wellness check . I haven't talked to the Adult Protective Services social worker in 6 months.  I feel I should be doing something but in not sure what.

[Woolspinner2000]

It's always such a challenge for us adult kids of a BPD to go the right road with that parent. As you well know, it is different for each one of us. Over and over I see your caring heart; it is there whether or not you rescue. It is the caring that allows us to set and maintain the boundaries we need, whatever they may be.

But it breaks a child's heart to see that change will not happen with their BPD parent, and no matter what we try to do to help, it ends up costing us emotionally, financially, and physically. That sense of obligation hounds us continually, "I must do something to fix it, to help." Must we truly? Such obligation chases us in so much of our lives due the survival training received in our FOO.

Keep sharing those feelings and the process with us as you work through this new red flag.

  
Wools

 

[Fie]

Hi Turkish 

I feel I should be doing something but in not sure what.

Do you think it's possible you don't know what it is you could do, because really there is nothing you can do ?

[Turkish]

I think so. She won't even listen to the professionals. I texted by brother from another mother tonight. He's traveling early tomorrow. He offered to check on her in a few days when he got back.  Even so,  it would change nothing,  though I asked if he had a different perspective having just lost his own mother.  So I drive up there.  It's more of the same.  Nothing will change.  I feel I'm on death watch.

[Fie]

It seems you know there's nothing you can do - am I correct ?
Why would you drive up there ?

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  I read your post a couple of days ago and have been thinking about it ever since.  What strikes me, apart from the heartbreaking situation, is the dichotomy of the beauty and devastation of allowing another person the freedom to make their own choice about how they choose to live and die.  Regardless of the fact that your mother is mentally ill and her behavior, accusations and choices have in essence tied your hands, she gets to make her choices. 

My mother chose to stop her chemo treatments after learning that her cancer was terminal.  The thing is, she did not tell anyone that she was terminal and just said that she did not need her treatments anymore.  It was her choice to make.  At times I have been relieved that I did not know and other times hurt that she did not share that information.  But reading about your situation with your mom makes me feel thankful that I did not know.  I am not sure I would have had the strength and the love to let go, no matter how painful or how right the letting go was.  I know my situation with my mom does not really compare and that is not my intention here.  Through your sharing your story and feelings, it has helped me to put to rest a big question that I have been carrying around for a while.  Thank you for being open and vulnerable here.

Just sharing some rambles.

You and yours are in my prayers as always.

Take care.

[Turkish]

Harri, thanks for your words. I'm always happy when you take the time to visit us,  and I hope your own journey is still moving foward... .

Fie, I was sworn at tonight by my mom's former neighbor because I was a bad son in her eyes.  Backing up... .

Mid afternoon, I got a call from a number on my mom's area code. I read picking my car up from the shop.  I went thereafter to pick up my kids.  I called it back after I got home and settled the kids into homework.  I called her back.

Some lady, and I don't know how she met my mom,  picked her up and gave her a ride home.  She apparently went into the house and was both concerned and disgusted. I gave her a rundown on the history.  Long story short, I told her I had thought about contacting the show Hoarders about ten years ago.  The lady said it was worse than anything she'd seen on that show.  Probably.

She was some kind of businesswoman who lived in the valley. She was distraught and wanted to call all of the county agencies and even the Sacramento TV channel to do a bio to fix this.  Here I thought about what my buddy at work said a year ago, "you know the press.  You're going to end up in the papers: ELDERLY WOMAN LIVES DESTITUTE IN FILTH WHILE ONLY SON LIVES IN HALF MILLION DOLLAR BAY AREA HOME." Given the average home price on my County is over a million. It isn't what it seems. 

I explained things and talked her down. She actually entered the home.  Horrible. It was a 45 minute convo.

An hour later, the former neighbor called.  I was fixing dinner for the kids.  She hadn't been able to get ahold of my mom for a week I told her who I had just talked to, a person who was going to call APS. Neighbor didn't believe me.  She demanded this woman's number. I said I wasn't going to give it.  She demanded I drive up there to check on my mom (later, I asked why she didn't,  only being 15 miles away rather than me at 130, "your mom's property is unsafe and scary." I was sworn at "I can't believe I'm effing hearing this,  that you won't drive up there to check on her!" It was all I could do to not hang up on her... .

I was also making the kids dinner.  Drawing their bath. It was over an hour conversation. More of the same when I talked to her last summer: how she spent hundreds of dollars on my mom 10-15 years ago.  How my mom hurt her. I rather enjoyed the story of my mom bringing her laundry over with puppy after birth on the sheets and the neighbor gagging. I've tried to explain mental illness.  The neighbor said she can't comprehend it,  despite living next to my mom for 18 years.

I calmed her down too, and at the end she wasn't accusing me of being a horrible son.  There was more, but I'm just tired and sick of this,  so I'm signing off for tonight.  Kids to take care of tomorrow.  Those innocent need my focus.

[Harri]

Hi again Turkish. 

I think your focus on your kids, your job and you is exactly where it should be.  It is so easy for others looking in from the outside to think they have the whole film when really they just have a snapshot of a situation.

I am curious how this new-to-the-scene-business-woman got your phone number.  Curious situation.  Is your mother giving your number out as a way of trying to reach out to you?   No way to know, but like I said, it makes me curious.  I wonder if, next time, you could say something about the local police and APS being aware of the situation and why you are unable to be involved and that they should speak with them directly (same to neighbor lady... .and then end convo)?  I have no idea if that is the right, healthy, non-triangulating thing to say but (!) to me it seems better than trying to explain things to a well intentioned person for an hour when your efforts are better spent else where... .or at least it seems like the better option from the comfort of my couch. 

Keep posting T.  I am curious how this ongoing situation is helping you focus on your sig line:  "Value yourself for who you are, not for what you are to others".  Do you find yourself gaining strength in your resolve to value yourself?

 

[Turkish]

She got my number from my mom's current neighbor. 

At least at the end of the conversation with the old neighbor I was able to get her to challenge many of her assumptions which were based upon what my mother was telling her.  We revisited some stories she had having lived next to my mom for 18 years.  It's a patten.  She also told me s free times my mom cut off contact when N shamed her.  Like when my mom lamented my son want allowed to stay with her and N said she'd have to clean up her home.  N couldn't understand the shaming and splitting  though she and her then H experienced it over and over for almost two decades.

[Harri]

Well, that mystery was solved quickly!

It certainly sounds like you got through to the old neighbor so that is good.  I had the impression that the time spent talking was an issue.  Well done on taking charge of things.

[Turkish]

Got a call from the old neighbor again tonight.  N was more of the same.  Still demanding the number of the woman who picked my mother up. I looked up that woman later and she was legit. I even saw an article where she was recognized/honored in her local community.  I had her phone number and her name. It checked out.  No way I was going to give her number to N to be harassed. 

I didn't mean to go Waif, but I told N about my uBPDx's DV against her husband,  what I've been dealing with since late spring. I got some sympathy since her son went through DV with his ex and mother of her grandchildren.

She didn't cuss at me tonight, but I told her point blank that she could call the sheriff to do a wellness check. I told her this last year and she refused to,  "I don't want to get your mom on trouble." Tonight she said she'd never heard the term "wellness check." A co-worker called, I ignored, then my boss called.  I said I had to call them (this was around 6pm... .I was also dealing with my kids).

My called back half an hour later,  said she'd called the sheriff to do a wellness check and said she told them about the other woman and my hesitance. My kids were in dressing for bed stage at this point.  I got a call from a private number.  I knew it was the sherif so I answered. The deputy told me about N. He was reasonable. He didn't mention anything admit N's accusations about the other woman,  nor my refusal to take care of things,  which N told me she told them.  He said he was heading out to check on my mom.  It's a 12 mile drive up the mountain. 

After kid drama where D bit S on the back (the joys of being a patent, but I still love it), the deputy called me back to get specific directions. This is off the men main highway,  but he nodded it by one road. I directed him appropriately. That was over two hours ago. 

I haven't heard anything. 

Though I need to work Saturday to make up hours, I don't have the kids this weekend.  I can drive up there of need be.  That I haven't got a call back is curious, but I need to get my kids to school on the morning so I'm shutting down for the night... .

[sweetheart]

Hi Turkish,
I have been following the situation with your mum. For me protecting yourself, your children and your job against the chaos that your mum leaves in her wake would be my no.1 priority.

It is not the same I know, but my h has become more and more chaotic and I was chasing him, chasing services, chasing his chaos, then backing off, but would get another phonecall from the police etc etc and off I would go again, when my care support worker (who's been involved with our family for about 6 yrs) said 'enough is enough' when your h next dysregulates or comes to the attention of a member of the public because he is acting weird, I'm going to raise a safeguarding alert with APS. She said we're going to do that every-time from here on in. I feel really conflicted emotionally, but i know she's right, for my own sanity I have to let it go.

Your mum, like my h makes false accusations, distorts reality and has limited if any insight into her seriously impaired functioning and lifestyle choices. I question my h's capacity to make informed choices anymore such is the deterioration in his levels of day to day functioning. He has no teeth left in his mouth, he hasn't changed his clothes in the last six months or taken his boots off, he smells. And yet he stays just one step ahead of mental health services all the time by 'bad mouthing' me every-time they see him.

If you step in again this potentially puts you directly at risk of all sorts of crazy allegations again. Your mum needs help that you can't give her. I'm not sure anyone can, but state services can intervene to help her if they feel she lacks capacity to make her own decisions about keeping herself well and safe.

My go to intervention became a Welfare Check when my husband went under the radar. He is vulnerable to abuse from others and is at risk of neglect and self-harm and a potential risk to others. Therefore in knowing all these things about him I feel that as the 'well, stable' person that I have a duty to ensure he is safe, but not by doing it myself, driving around, chasing after him, looking for him, phoning him constantly, but by handing it over to the most appropriate agency.

I hope this makes some sense.

[Turkish]

sweetheart,

I recall you talking about your struggles. What you said definitely parallels what's young on here,  and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this,  especially given your son.

I still haven't heard anything from anyone.  Even the former neighbor,  whose call I was going to ignore tonight if she called.  I'm vegetating  tonight (self-care?) before I go on to work tomorrow and clean the house while the kids aren't with me this weekend.  Continuing to work on clearing out D4's soon to be room is a project. I red-neck fixed the fence that had partially been blown down by the storm here (I need to talk to the neighbors about splitting the cost of a new fence),  and did some laundry. Enough of being an adult for today.

Did I mention this before? I figured out N's trigger and why she is mad at me.  She said she cried over me.  I said that I remember hereading sobbing to me last summer on how much my mom hurt her. At first she denied it. Then said she was crying because I told her "I'm done with my mom." I did say that.  N said, "I know how this feels because my kids did the same thing!" Not entirely true,  that's just her daughter,  not her son.  I didn't mention that.  

I looked up the lady who picked up my mom today. I had her first and last name as well as her phone number. She is who she says she is.  I even saw an article where she was awarded recognition for being an upstanding citizen on the community (basically).

Still no word from anybody.

Given civil rights,  my mother can legally forbid anyone from updating or contacting me. This is the tough part which outsiders don't get.  This situation has been reported (again) to the appropriate authorities. If the lady who picked up my mom wants to take this as a crusade, more power to her.  If N wants to badmouth me around the community,  it is what it is.  Even being moved away for 27 years, I have more credibility there than she does. She has no idea.  

I hate this.  It's like I felt when I reported my daughter's molestation: like I've done something wrong. As if I'm the one going to be taken "downtown."

Yes,  I've written my mom off, but by my faith,  I hope to see the horribly abused and abandoned little girl in heaven someday,  healed of her pain.

Me, too.

[heartandwhole]

Yes,  I've written my mom off, but by my faith,  I hope to see the horribly abused and abandoned little girl in heaven someday,  healed of her pain.

Me, too.

My heart goes out to you, Turkish.    This is a LOT to deal with. I can fully understand your feelings.

In your shoes, the fact that no one had gotten back to me would be circling in the back of my mind.

You know you've done what you can, and that authorities who have access to resources are aware of the situation. I'm glad you have taken some time for self-care (maybe a nap would help more than cleaning?  )

It's a sad situation, and I hope you will allow your feelings to move as they need to. 

heartandwhole

[Kwamina]

Hi Wolfish

I hate this.  It's like I felt when I reported my daughter's molestation: like I've done something wrong. As if I'm the one going to be taken "downtown."

You in my opinion definitely have done nothing wrong. Life is what it is and I can't say that it is wrong or right when things happen, yet the situation you are in is very unpleasant and frustrating and I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. There are so many things going on at once, with your mother, the people trying to get involved in your mother's life, your daughter's molestation, your son's recent diagnosis and of course the problems your ex is causing. Like heartandwhole says, this indeed really is a lot to deal with. I do think you are dealing with this situation as best you can, it is normal to experience all these feeling in such a situation, but I do think you are doing an exceptional job staying calm and keeping turning your mind back to the path of acceptance. As Dr. Marsha Linehan said, turning the mind back to acceptance is something we need to do over and over and over again.

Yes,  I've written my mom off, but by my faith,  I hope to see the horribly abused and abandoned little girl in heaven someday,  healed of her pain.

Me, too.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good report.

You've let go of the possibility of her changing in this lifetime. It is sad that she has lived and continues to live the way she does and very sad also how this has and continues to affect you.

I think it is wonderful though that in spite of everything, you are still able to see the child she once was, deep inside in many ways still is, and can find compassion for her. This is such an important part of being able to empathize. I hope you are also able to see and nurture your own inner child and that all of you will one day indeed be freed from your pain and find healing

The Board Parrot

[sweetheart]

Despite accepting that my h is the way he is, I am still blindsided by the vulnerability that exists within him. It is this vulnerability that as a human being I am pulled toward in an attempt to soothe and hold for him. Of course the irony of this disorder is that the minute I step forward and extend my hand to him I trigger him and bring him up against his original trauma. It is for me utterly heartbreaking. I thought for ages I couldn't feel sad for him and withdraw emotionally from the relationship at the same time. I realise now I can do both, but what's changed is although I feel sad I no longer feel the all consuming pull to fix things for him and keep trying to make things better. 

[Turkish]

The current neighbor called me early this week.  Firetrucks and ambulances took my mom away. N said she was bad.  Said that so many people have tried to help her,  but it was too much. This is how it's been for years: my stubborn mom surrounded by enablers. Unlike in October,  no one from the hospital called me.  Given HIPAA (privacy) rules, they won't call me unless she gives permission.

My buddy (brother from another mother) who lives in the county offered to go check,  but then said if she were demented,  she might bring up the accusation from a year ago that he stole her truck.  Not being a relative,  they probably wouldn't tell him anything anyway.  I don't blame him.  My mom threatened getting a lawyer about the truck,  which now sits on her property, derelict. It will be stripped if she doesn't return. 

I've been recovering from walking pneumonia the past two weeks.  I don't have the kids this weekend. I could drive 2.5 hours there to see what's going on.  I put off calling Adult Protective Services this week.  I think I need to call Monday. 

It's sad.  I have the money to take care of her property tax issues which I'm sure she's let lapse again.  Yet given she's let her properties lie in limbo not going through probate for her dead husband (of over 15 years now), it may be throwing good money after bad. A year ago, she accused me of stealing her money. It was investigated and dismissed. 

It sucks because I do have the means of fixing this easily,  but her stubbornness and paranoia precludes it. 

She used to tell me,  20 years ago,  about those kids who would get control of their parents,  ship them off somewhere and take their money.  She has no money to take.  Even if she did,  I wouldn't do that.  Now she's going to lose everything. 

[heartandwhole]

How sad and frustrating, Turkish.   I'm sorry.  When my father was dying, there were strange and incorrect perceptions on his part, too, about intentions, money, etc. I feel it caused damage to our family, especially in my relationship with my brother.

I think your health and wellbeing is the right priority right now. If your mom gives the hospital permission to contact you, maybe you can at least speak to her if you feel comfortable doing so. As heartbreaking as this is, you have responsibilities to yourself and your children.

I hope you'll be able to find out how your mom is doing. Do you think she is getting good care?

heartandwhole

[Harri]

Hi Turkish, how are you feeling?  This really is a heartbreaking situation as it is all so unnecessary (when I let myself go to "if only land" yet your mother has left you no other good options.  Of course you would never steal from your mother or harm her in any way.  We all know that.  It is a testament to the power of her mental illness that does not allow her to see you and that is the most heartbreaking part of all of this.

I hope you decided to stay home and rest this weekend.  Please keep us posted.

Be well.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Turkish:
So sorry to hear you have been sick and about your mom.   

Even with healthier parents, the episodes with fire trucks and ambulances become too common.  An elderly couple lives a few houses down from me and the emergency vehicles have visited 3-4 times in the last 12 months.  It brought back unpleasant memories.

Perhaps getting medical care on an in-patient basis, might help turn things around for your mom. Metabolic problems with low sodium, low potassium, dehydration and even a UTI can bring about changes in mental function, which can be temporary.

With my mom, she had all of the aforementioned situations/conditions and then was diagnosed with sepsis on 3 occasions (the 3rd time was the nail in the coffin).  My observations were that although her mental function snapped back to some degree after each event, there did appear to be some loss of mental function after a physical/metabolic problem appeared to resolve.

My mom had episodes of paranoia, hallucinations and mental confusion.  It was a point of debate and argument with my uBPD sister. 

I put off calling Adult Protective Services this week.  I think I need to call Monday.

Hope a call to them give you some helpful information.  Not knowing and wondering brings a lot more anxiety.

[Turkish]

Got a call from the current neighbor last night.  Someone towed my mom's truck off the property. I didn't give permission.  Who knows about my mom but it's likely stolen.  Likely by someone she knows. The neighbor asked my permission to fell a tree across the road.  I said that it wasn't mine to give but that I'd do the same thing. 

A while later the sheriff calls.  Same questions.  She asked if I was the person responsible and I said that I had no legal responsibilities whatsoever.  Her tone softened a bit.  I gave the same answers and said this is why I had a buddy keep the truck on his property last year,  to avoid exactly this.  I told the deputy that I didn't know where my mom ex because no one had called me.  She replied that she knew exactly where she was,  something like Shady Acres Rest Home,  in the next county,  another 45 min drive north.  Ok.  The deputy said that she'd tell the social worker. 

This morning on the way to work I got a call from the CHP  (highway patrol). The officer asked the same questions to which I gave the same answers. 

[Turkish]

Another call yesterday afternoon from the facility where my mom is.  My mom refuses to sign admission papers. She has medicare and insurance.  The lady said they could charge that but if she refused to be admitted,  they'd have to charge welfare (the state). I said that I wasn't sure if I had the authority to sign.  She said she'd email me a pdf.  I gave her my email.  I never got anything today.  I suggested talking to her social worker.  Since I don't have POA, I probably can't sign anyway.  I should have thought of that yesterday.  I think I was just in fixer mode.

A 2 acres property. 5 acres. A truck that was stolen. My old truck which she ruined. $70-100k of assets (at least) going down the drain, for what? Mental illness? Stubbornness? I tried to tell her over a decade ago what to do,  but nothing.  Kind of like my ex: everything I told them at the time eventually came true.  Fixing and rescuing yield no rewards, just anguish past a point where one needs to give up.

[heartandwhole]

A 2 acres property. 5 acres. A truck that was stolen. My old truck which she ruined. $70-100k of assets (at least) going down the drain, for what? Mental illness? Stubbornness? I tried to tell her over a decade ago what to do,  but nothing.  Kind of like my ex: everything I told them at the time eventually came true.  Fixing and rescuing yield no rewards, just anguish past a point where one needs to give up.

Such a hard lesson, Turkish. I'm sorry.   How are you holding up?

heartandwhole

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish,

I've been recovering from walking pneumonia the past two weeks.

How is your health now?

Fixing and rescuing yield no rewards, just anguish past a point where one needs to give up.

You've done what you could and tried to help her as much as possible, even going above and beyond at times. This however does not change the fact that the situation still feels horrible, after everything that has happened, she is still your mother and through all your posts it still always shines through how much you care for her and wished things would have been differently.

[Turkish]

I feel guilty.  Everyone, including the cop, offer condolences to me on how hard it is on me.  Feels odd  since I'm just am observer.

Still not 100%, Parrot,  but slowly getting better.  Hope it's not the bird flu!

[Woolspinner2000]

Turkish,

I'm sorry about your mom and also for your hands being so tied. You must have a lot of feelings going on and understanably so.

I hope it's not the bird flu too. The four legged animals and the board parrot could maybe be the Bremen Town musicians. We just need to substitute a few animals.  What do you think? Singing helps the soul. 

 
Wools

[Turkish]

If we could get Lindsey Stirling to back is on the violin that would be awesome.  I introduced the kids to her on YouTube and S7 was into the music. 

Not to sound like a Waif myself but I struggle with this. 

Honor your father and mother, "which is the first commandment with a promise,  "that it may be well with you and you live long upon the earth."

I'd really like to see her,  but don't know what I'm getting into.  I'd like to take the kids though I would triage the situation before I brought them into it. 

[Fie]

Hi Turkish  

Another victim of the flue here  

I am really sorry for your situation.
From what you are saying it seems you are realizing you are a fixer / rescuer.

How about some rescuing for yourself ? From everything you have said, my personal conclusion is that your mother cannot be fixed, not now and not in the future. How about working on why you feel so much need to fix your mother or your ex ? Or to try to warn them for things that you see coming and they don't ?

If I were you, I would put my energy into people who are worth the trouble : you and your children. And as a nice side effect you can teach them that it's ok to not help people who don't want to be helped, and to do some self care instead. Show them that it's ok to not be codependent. Give them what you did not get !

xx

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Turkish,

How often I've struggled with that same verse. I have another thought for you that has caused me to ponder as well.

Take a look at Luke 2:41-52. This is the story of when Jesus and his family went to Jerusalem for the Passover Feast, and Jesus stayed behind in the temple.

His mom says to him: "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." He responded, "Why were you searching for me?... .Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?"

When I look at this interaction from my [earthly] perspective, I say to myself that this seems so bad, sinful even, and dishonoring to his parents. Yet Jesus was without sin. As humans we look at life from our earthly wisdom and knowledge (a horizontal view of life), but in this example, Jesus is clearly showing us that he is following his Heavenly Father's orders (a vertical view of life) above that of his parents. Was it wrong? It must not be because he did not sin.

When I look to how my own parents treated me, and how they expected me to treat them, it has brought about no end of struggle for me as I attempt to let go of co-dependent tendencies and the orders from my uBPDm especially that I had to obey her. What if it is a higher calling to obey God and follow his orders above those of my dysfunctional parents? Again I need to emphasize that I struggle to wrap my head around this, but first and foremost, I need to go where the Lord is leading me above all else. It is an individual walk we each have and you would have to ponder this for yourself to see where you need to be. I needed to let go of my mom's orders and follow the healthy path that the Lord has put in front of me rather than the dysfunctional path of BPD and all the fallout thereof. As adults we have the opportunity to make healthy choices that were not options to us as a child trying to survive. I know you want to do what God wants you to do above all.

Most of all, be at peace. It is where the Lord would have you to be. Seek him and find him.   

 
Wools

[Turkish]

"So a wolf walks into a bar... ."

Wait.  That's not it.

So I got a call from my mom's neighbor this morning as I was getting the kids ready for school.

He spotted my mom's truck  (the one I gave her in 2009 which she all but ruined, blowing the clutch, then the engine) in back of a nearby tire shop. In his words, "one of those tweaker kids has it." It's a rural county, murders are rare, but property crimes and drugs are  high. 

I sat on it all day, yet on the afternoon,  looked up numbers and made the call I've felt too weak to make for the past two months: to adult protective services and her social worker. After that I was going to call CHP to provide the tip on the stolen vehicle. 

I got a hold of the social worker.  She said that she had thought about calling me,  but didn't want to bother me given what had transpired between me and my mom a year ago.  I thought, "why is everyone trying to rescue me? I can take it." I told her to feel free to call me at any time. I'm not trying to hide.  I just need to be safe given I have two little kids to take care of, and the innocent that need protection come first.  She agreed.

She also has dealt with my mother over the past year to observe her paranoia. I told her some stories, going back to maybe 1980, of my mom spitting people,  and even then as a kid, not understanding, but realizing that something wasn't right. A family moved into her house,  we were all bonded, and then everyone was yelling and accusing,  and they were moving out. I moved out in 1989, yet there were so many mixtures of single mother Waifs my mom would "adopt" and also borderline criminals, like the one lady who ended up doing 7 years in the state prison for slicing her boyfriend's head with a knife during a drunken rage. I met this lady randomly at a gas station late last year. I talked to her a little bit. She was asking about my mom. I had my kids. There were creepy guys in the back of her van. It was weird.  Small town weirdness. We talked at the driver's side window was I was holding then D4 and parted ways. I struggle with wanting to raise the kids in the city with gangs, or a small town with tweakers and weirdos.

All that aside,  the social worker told me that the county forbade my mother from returning to her property unless she met certain requirements which the SW was of the opinion my mom was incapable of doing.  The good news is that she ended up living in a motel in the nearest incorporates town (about 2500 population), and the SW has visited her. She says there are several long term residents there, and they have BBQs and such.  My mom is stable and acclimating.

What is concerning is that my mom fell and broke her shoulder.  She went to rehab,  and the SW said she was better having regular meals. The SW also said that she thinks my mom's thyroid condition makes her mental state worse.  My mom refusses to continue on it.  No one can force her.

I looked up the motel on Google.  It's not an hourly motel like in the city with prostitutes, but a nice place with pine trees.  I never knew that place was there but I've driven on that small road enough so I know where it is. 

The next step is getting up the courage to contact her again.  There are still 5 and 2 acres properties to deal with.  If I do nothing,  they will be auctioned off by the county at some point. I'm on a will, but I've got a lot of equity in my Bay Area home. No debt except for that mortgage.  I guess I don't want to be viewed as the greedy kid.  It just seems a waste to let those properties go because of her stubbornness and paranoia. Yet this isn't my concern. It's getting possibly sucked back into the drama I ran from in 1989.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Turkish:

The good news is that she ended up living in a motel in the nearest incorporates town (about 2500 population), and the SW has visited her. She says there are several long term residents there, and they have BBQs and such.  My mom is stable and acclimating.

  I'm sorry to hear she broke her shoulder.  Good to hear that she is in a safe living situation, with some independence.

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you, at the right time, in regard to both your mom and the property.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Turkish,

A few days have passed since this post. How are you feeling about contacting your mom?

I just want to say, regarding the property issues: do what is right for you. If it's a headache that you just don't want to deal with, that is okay. If taking over the management and selling of the property would bring benefit to you and your mom, then I don't see anything greedy about it at all.

I agree that you don't need any more drama, so maybe you could hire a real estate lawyer to handle it for you? After my father's death, my brother did that and it helped keep the chaos down. The firm took a portion of the estate as payment. I realize your mom is still with us, so it's different. But maybe there are options out there.

heartandwhole

[Justsomebelgian]

Hey Turkish, just reading this now so I hope you're doing better. The only obligation you have is to take care of your children. You sound exhausted. Take some days off. You need to charge your batteries if you're looking to get through all of this. Here for you!

[Turkish]

Thanks everybody.  A lawyer is a good idea.  I could afford the retainer. Off the top of my head she could get at a minimum of $30k for the 5 acres as is. A savvy and handy buyer could take permits to add onto the house and tear the old parts down as they go. Our family friends could start paying her $300/mo for the old property to pay back the $20k under the original agreement.  I never understood why she never went forward. Seemed like easy money.  In retrospect,  it may have been in part to her hoarding "fear of loss" which is what my T said. Once she got the initial payment,  that was good enough for her. 

It's turning mega hot here in California,  within a week's time.  I want to hang out here with my kids,  school and weekend ballet over.  Play in the sprinkler.  Go to the park (or also the water park). Relax. I have to take Friday off work to watch them,  so it's like a 3 day weekend for us.  S7 wants to build something he saw in his minecraft craft book.  I hate craft stores (my mom was always dragging me to them and also fabric stores,  along why garage sales), but I'll take one for the team for my boy. 

Speaking of garage sales,  I picked up a like new stunt bike for my son.  $40. For another $40, I got an adult sized 20-something speed, an iron man bike.  Both have new tires,  and they threw in an extra set of off road tires for the adult bike.  Deals can be found.  Maybe I shouldn't let my childhood experiences prevent me from enjoying things.  Upside: I've been trying to get S7 to stand on the pedals on his old bike,  but being Asperger's, I think he's thought "seats are for sitting." The stunt bike is slightly too high for him to ride (seat adjusted the lowest), unless he stands on the pedals, so I demonstrated, and he was trying it on his small bike.  We even had D5 on her little push bike (no pedals). I was demonstrating balancing and standing for both of them. 

This seems kind of pedestrian,  maybe,  but I never had a dad,  so I'm trying to be what I imagined I might have had.  Whatever the case, I'm enjoying it.   

Maybe the weekend after next I'll go find my mom... .take the kids with me as wing persons... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

This seems kind of pedestrian,  maybe,  but I never had a dad,  so I'm trying to be what I imagined I might have had.  Whatever the case, I'm enjoying it. 

Enjoy your Father's Day Weekend!  You sound like a great dad.  With you enjoying fatherhood, and the children enjoying time with you; well, that sounds like success.

Great find on the bikes.  Your son will grow into his bike before you know it.