Sister/best friend with undiagnosed BPD went no contact (christian worldview)

[mdsat25]

Background:

My parents are wonderful. Full of grace, compassion, so supportive, emotionally in-tune, and reasonable. We are also all christians, which I have found makes this complex for me personally in knowing what is the right thing to do. I believe reconciliation is what is best because ultimately that is what Jesus did - he reconciled us to God.

My sister and I are extremely close. Planned pregnancies around each other, spent every day talking or hanging out - even sometimes twice a day.

However, it hasn't come without an unbelievable amount of conflict. Since I was a teenager she has threatened and leveraged her relationship with me.

While we maintained very close relationship, it came with a lack of her acknowledging things. She truly has told me on multiple occasions she has nothing to work on and has done nothing wrong. She doesn't show a lack of humility- it is always a resounding confidence that her opinion is correct and any opposition to that she will not tolerate.

She's getting a divorce. Her husband was emotionally abusive and intimidating. There is a lot of problems there that no one has ever denied. She has been told by church leaders that she can divorce this man and that there would be zero church discipline.

This summer we went to the beach, but of course she left early. It was a massive deal, just like every vacation and holiday or family event is. I spend half my time consoling her. Well, this time she got mad at me because she said I need to "validate her" over a fight with my sister and mom and herself. Well I disagreed. What happened was my oldest sister told her kids to stop running. My BPD sister told them to stop running twice. On the third time, my oldest sister (their mom) raised her voice and said "Guys, park it!" They are 8 and 9.

My BPD sister took all of the toddlers (mine and hers) out of the room and gave my oldest sister a disturbing look, as if she was dangerous. This is when it all went extremely south. She claims that her children and herself are so traumatized that even something like this situation is triggering. You see, trauma has now become to perfect excuse for her behavior. She can be a real victim and have chaotic behavior because she was "triggered"

She left the beach trip early because she said she was "alone" and went home and briefly reunited with her husband she was separated from. Which we knew would happen. We all called it.

Anyways, several weeks later after a couple more fights I told her she was controlling and manipulative. I told her she has leveraged her relationship with me since I was 14. She got so upset, but then she texted me and said she would pray about whether or not she was.

Well, she needed up saying she didn't think she was, which I completely accepted. I didn't fight her on it- if she felt that way it was fine, but I felt differently. She told me that until I retract what I said she would no longer share anything with me. I told her "why can you call out my sin but I can't call you yours?" and she said "Because what I was is true" (she believes I have an anger problem) And I had told her two years ago that I would work on my anger with her, and by God's grace I have. He has strengthened me to not lash out at her in most situations, of course I have failed at times.

Anyways I told her that I didn't believe it was her identity but that didn't matter - she then went on to accuse me of a "smear campaign" - she had reached out to other friends and specifically asked them what sin they see in her life. they told her control and manipulation - they thought these things APART from me. They had their own conflict with her.

When she blew up on her friends and cut them off, I called her. I told her and tried to plead with her to just be okay with us disagreeing, but she said no. She said I had re traumatized her - and that solidified so much for me to hear her say that. I will just never be able to communicate anything of substance. She claims my entire family, her church, and her friends have re traumatized her, enabled her abuser, and trigger her. There's no getting through to her because she uses trauma as her scapegoat.

She is now saying until I admit that I re traumatized her and process how I have, the foundation of our relationship will be broken. She said until I show true repentance, she will not continue our relationship.

I have told her so many times she asks me to go against my conscience - these are things I see in her. I do see control and manipulation. I'm not allowed to have autonomy of thought.

SOOOOO much more has happened it is just so much to type out.

She screamed at my "YOU'RE OUT OF MY LIFE" so loud the neighbors came out, but she never acknowledged it. I waited a month. During that time she contacted me mostly for things she needed - same with my parents, asking for money or childcare - and then when thanksgiving came around she said she wanted to have thanksgiving with us, but she would not call us back! She truly refused to talk to us on the phone even about scheduling. She said we could text her and she would not be calling.

My mom texted her and suggested she call me because we were feeling anxious about thanksgiving. She responded in bold font about her boundaries and how her and her kids wouldn't be coming and she cancelled their birthday party to "protect her peace"

I finally texted her and addressed when she screamed at me over a month ago - she never repsonded. Instead, she texted my dad and told him that me, him, and my mom were being cut off- no contact. She isn't allowing us to see her kids. My parents are hurting over this - my whole family is. It is really hard.

I read Walking on Eggshells this summer and so many things resonated with me about my sister - I do think its the unconventional type.

It's hard to accept that she would rather it be this way. My family does not deserve even remotely to be cut off. They are the most respectful, gracious, loving parents. And what's so confusing is I saw her in public and she said hi to me. I don't get it. I feel so sad. She was my best friend. I am realizing though how unhealthy the relationship was all along - periods of distance as punishment. It still hurts though, even if it is a disorder, it is extremely painful.

[Pook075]

It's hard to accept that she would rather it be this way.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and your experiences sound very familiar.  My ex wife was also the unconventional type while my daughter has traditional BPD.

I realize that you needed to vent and get it out on paper, so hopefully it felt good.  You've been through a lot and you're dealing with trauma, with grief.  It's so hard.  Now is a great time to begin studying boundaries and how to avoid so much of what your sister brings.

I remember one time my ex wife did something to get me upset, and I told her that she was being unreasonable.  Honestly, I can't remember what it was...I've learned to forgive and let go.  But whatever it was, my ex replied to me, "That's not a thing, you shouldn't be upset by that.  If you are then that's your problem."

There were so many conversations like that- everything was about her needs, her feelings, while mine didn't matter.  But our relationship changed once I started to implement boundaries and learned to push back in a loving way.  The fights stopped and for almost a decade, we had peace between us.

What have you read about boundaries?  And what have you tried?