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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: The BPD relationship experience  (Read 790 times)
marti644
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« on: February 20, 2017, 08:36:08 AM »

Just a random thought. This whole experience has been one of the most devastating in my entire life. I have had other ups and downs but none as confusing or painful as this one.

But there is also something so serene (can't think of a different word) about this situation. I never knew about BPD or anything about PD disorders before this experience. Now that the FOG has cleared I realized that there was numerous people in my life with BPD and that several of them were orbiting me, some of them very clearly manipulating me and using me (specifically a coworker and an ex-gf/friend that continues to pop in and out of my life even though our intimate relationship is long past).

Now that I am aware this very much reinforces that I need better boundaries. I was so naive and my need to be loved has damaged so many relationships.
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CrossroadsGuyMn

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« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2017, 01:00:15 PM »

Hello Marti,

You bring up something that my therapist and I discussed last week.

The reality of the BPD relationship experience for me has been amazing highs, and amazing lows.  I can choose to remember only the bad, and in doing so bring myself down.  Or I can look at both the good and bad together honestly. 

In doing so, I can then learn from this experience.  What has it taught me about myself?  What has it taught me about what I truly want from a relationship with a partner?

If I had not had this experience, I would have completely missed out on understanding my co-dependency, and how it can contribute to an unhealthy relationship.  I would have had no knowledge of the Karpman Drama Triangle.  I would have never learned the traits that pwBPD display.  I would have never understood how important boundaries are in a relationship.  I would have never known that I deserve a person who compliments my own personality traits.

So looking back I have chosen to internalize my experience as a series of very valuable life lessons.  Trying to actively think that way has helped me immensely, and has as you put it led me to a sense of serenity.

Best wishes in your path to recovery.
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stimpy
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« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2017, 03:04:40 PM »

Just a random thought. This whole experience has been one of the most devastating in my entire life. I have had other ups and downs but none as confusing or painful as this one.

But there is also something so serene (can't think of a different word) about this situation. I never knew about BPD or anything about PD disorders before this experience. Now that the FOG has cleared I realized that there was numerous people in my life with BPD and that several of them were orbiting me, some of them very clearly manipulating me and using me (specifically a coworker and an ex-gf/friend that continues to pop in and out of my life even though our intimate relationship is long past).

Now that I am aware this very much reinforces that I need better boundaries. I was so naive and my need to be loved has damaged so many relationships.

I like this post, it reflects closely where I think I have reached as well. After my discard, I did a ton of research to find out what the hec just happened to me, and found out for the first time in my life about personality disorders, narcissism and BPD. Quite a revelation.

And I get what you're saying about serenity. I couldn't quite say that I am serene as such, but the learning I have done has given me (for the first time ever) a framework to interpret some of the more difficult and disturbing relationships I have had in my past. I am now certain that my father had a form of narcissism, maybe even NPD (raging/blaming/beating my mother/selfishness/social ladder climbing) I guess he fits the criteria pretty well. And my mother also was a damaged person, had a nervous breakdown (maybe because of my father) and was sometimes spectacularly unempathetic with us children. As one tiny example, there was one time when I was 17 yo and I had been in a lot of back pain for many months and it was having a terrible effect on my life. I said to my mother, "If I had £1,000 I would gladly give it away to be better" Her reply was... ."yes, but you don't have a £1,000 do you". And that was it.

She also made a quasi sexual advance on me at the age of 14.

So basically I grew up in what was quite a dangerous environment, certainly at an emotional level I think it has had lasting effect on me, and I have for example never wanted to get married.

This I guess is hardly surprising given my upbringing, and another example was that that I was only told by my parents that either of them loved me for the very first time in my life, was after I had left home and was in my early 20's. Before that, I never heard the words "I love you", either between my parents or ever said to me. I never even saw my parents kiss. Not once.

By the time I was in my mid 30's I had cut all contact with them, and I lived my own life away from them. At some level, I just knew that they were bad for me, and even though they were the only example of a family I had, it was not a good example.

This I realise now was my NC, self imposed to protect myself. It had nothing to do with them, I never thought about them, I didn't care.

So wind on a few years, and this awful experience with a BPD woman. It ripped off all the emotional bandages I had put in place to protect me from thinking about my parents and the poor childhood they had given me. Now I know so much better what happened to me, why I became a fixer personality (I was always trying to fix my parents broken marriage - even at the age of 9 or 10 years of age) and that fixer personality has sometimes overridden my gut feel/boundary warnings. So I have stayed in dysfunctional relationships too long sometimes, trying to fix them, rather than walk away when I should have done. I first walked away from my exBPDgf after 5 weeks of dating. I ended it, my gut feel was to run and stay away from her. But my fixer personality overrode this and I went running back to her, to ask for her back, and of course that is when the mayhem began.

But in the learning and sharing and personal development I have had to undergo to get over this, I have somehow got myself a new "toolkit".

The tools I have learned, about PD's, boundaries, red flags, self protection, self love, standing your ground, not trying to fix situations (or people), etc... .etc... .has given me a type of serenity. I now understand my childhood better, I feel a sorry for the young me, the little boy hearing his parents arguing, my mothers screams as she was beaten. And I understand that little boy saying to my father, please don't do that. His self centred useless reply was "it's just what adults do sometimes". He was wrong, it is what he did, not what adults do. And I can now comfort that little boy (inner child?) and say it is not your fault, you don't have to fix these things. You did what you could, but these are not your issues to fix. You did what you had to to survive, and when you could get away, you did.

So there is now more serenity and turbulence all at the same time. The serenity from understanding me, and my past very much better than I did, and having to face it head on and accept that it happened, that my childhood was in a family with little love, little affection and dysfunctional parents unable relate to each other, let alone us children.

But with that comes a new turbulence, in that I may not  actually be quite the person who I thought I was. I guess I am still learning.

The serenity also comes from being able to read and understand people very much better than I used to be able to. And that has involved being very careful who I let into my life, and indeed ejecting one or two who in truth I am now glad to see the back of.

It has also helped me understand far better the nature of abuse, how people can get hooked into the cycle, and end up staying with their abuser, something I had no knowledge of prior to this experience.

I guess for me it has all been a life changing experience. I knew it was going to be when she dumped me, especially how she did it. I knew straight away that the life I had envisaged had gone, and that things were going to get tough. And yet, now I feel like I know myself better, I understand human nature better, and I now have more the tools to help me navigate a difficult and complicated world.

I'm not happier now than I was, I have after all seen the dark underside of human nature, and that has left it's mark on me, but at the same time I am certain I am wiser, and that I will keep my life calmer and more in line with how I want it, maybe that will be with someone else, maybe not, let's see.

Thank you Marti, your short post somehow brought a lot a loose ends together for me - and err, sorry for somewhat hijacking your original post.
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marti644
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« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2017, 03:09:51 PM »

Hi Crossroads,

Thank you for your insights. I am only a little over one month NC and I am trying to really see both sides and be as honest with myself as possible. Like I was saying below the range of people and past relationships that this relates to and this BPD experience has shed a light on many of my various negative behaviours in relationships, which include family, friend, and romantic relationship. Hopefully I can learn from this and make it stick and create healthy boundaries for myself and others so I do not get into these types of conflicts again or create co-dependency.

Good luck on your journey as well!
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marti644
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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2017, 03:17:39 PM »

Stimpy,

You have no need to apologize. Thank you so much for sharing your story. As a child I was a fixer too, and at the core of my current recovery is the idea you mentioned: I did what I had to do, I tried to fix it and I did my best to survive. Dealing with my parents emotional turmoils was not my responsibility and I have to move past it to understand my own feelings and construct new boundaries. That serenity - which is really our freedom - is going to be found. And at least in the short term, we now know what our wounds were, before I didn't even know I had them it was just buried so deep. And I like your comment about being wiser, this is something I strive for everyday.
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Duped 1
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« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2017, 02:27:31 PM »

Worst experience of my life. Nothing serene here and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even her
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2017, 02:44:26 PM »

CrossroadsGuyMn -> Fantastic that you can view this as a positive experience! I too have learned a lot from this.

stimpy -> I'm glad to hear that you are becoming more than your upbringing and breaking a potential cycle. I have a ton of admiration for you there.

marti644 -> Once I starting talking about personality disorders with my circle of friends and starting to recognize their red flags, I too started to see them. I also found out that I had a BPD acquaintance who had been in DBT for years. Keep in mind we should not start automatically diagnosing people right off the bat - but it's good to be aware of possible pitfalls and warning signs.
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marti644
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« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2017, 04:32:32 PM »

Ya Super, you're absolutely correct, shouldn't diagnose people too quickly. But I have such bad boundaries (ie. Wasn't paid a contract for four and a half month, but still went and fed my bosses cat twice a week) that I have definitely allowed people who use me. I have a list of people who have taken advantage of me, and I'm not a victim, this is my fault. Working on those boundaries now.
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Gear Jammer

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« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2017, 02:09:10 AM »

Its going to take you some time to clear your head and figure out what in the hell just happened its taken me nearly 2 years I was dealing with job burnout and dealing with her at the same time I was burned out. My head is clear I have a new outlook on life I've learned a lot about BPDs I didn't know what BPD was with her I knew she has mental health problems.
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marti644
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« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2017, 02:59:45 AM »

Duped I understand the sentiment. With healing comes perspective for me. I wouldn't wish my experience on my worst enemy, but at least now that I know about BPD and my own issues I will never have to go through this again as long as I am careful and work on myself. More importantly I escaped from a life of abuse, cheating, and lying. The silver lining is freedom from a life of that. That's where my serenity comes from.

Gear Jammer I hear you. My mind is a tangled mess the more I think about things. But each morning I improve. Yesterday I cleaned my apartment for the first time in months. Today I go grocery shopping properly for food. Have phone calls and dates with friends and family to fill the gaps. I don't look at my phone or social media with the same intensity, don't have reasons to doubt my own feelings and wants all the time.

Each day I feel a little better rested and released from this poisonous experience. Freedom comes from that.
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marti644
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« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2017, 03:02:02 AM »

And it's not about getting back to the person I was. The person I was is a fantasy. I was vulnerable and unhappy with myself, whether I knew it or not. I want to be a different person, that actually loves myself.
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bus boy
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« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2017, 05:16:46 AM »

I've been able to emotionally detach although I still feel some pain from my experience. I can say I'm leaps and bounds from where I was 6 months ago. I knew nothing about personality disorders, I came from a verbally abusive home so I slipped in so well with Xw. My dad is a kitten compared to Xw. I have learned to look at me, I have learned how to deal with my father in a more positive way and I have learned to deal with Xw, to a point. I don't back down from my dad any more but Xw is different she's always thinking, conniving, devious manipulator who doesn't let go or back off ever so I have to always find different ways to deal with her, mostly NC. Xw has something very deep in her I can't pin point it. I know it's an emotional disorder. My dad in his good old Catholic upbringing thinks Xw has the devil in her. I just continue to detach go to my T and leave theology out of it.
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