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Author Topic: Ex BPD engaged after 2 weeks?  (Read 522 times)
Belizabeth

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« on: February 21, 2017, 01:13:41 AM »

I was getting tired of the chaos after being with my ex gf for 1 year and broke up w her. She begged for me back until I firmly made it clear I would not get back with her 2 weeks later she was engaged to an ex from 4 years ago. How do people with BPD move on so quickly? I dodged a bullet and am doing my own inner work in therapy but it's still daunting how quickly these people move on. Also do people with BPD struggle with sexual identity as this was a same sex relationship and on countless occasions she told me she did not respect men and saw them as a "lesser human" than females however she is now engaged to a man.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2017, 11:03:22 AM »

How do people with BPD move on so quickly?

Also do people with BPD struggle with sexual identity as this was a same sex relationship and on countless occasions she told me she did not respect men and saw them as a "lesser human" than females however she is now engaged to a man.

2 weeks... .sounds solid! What could go wrong!

Is her 4 year-ex disordered also? or just daft?
Seriously tho, there's a good chance it could just be a lie to manipulate you.
There's another explanation, but you may not want to go into it right now.

In answer to your question - she hasn't moved on (You should be so lucky).
Don't take her drama personally. This is either coping or her way of lashing out, and possibly both.

And the misandry thing - BPDs are often regarded as having no core personality. She could be an anti-semite or something equally ridiculous in the next relationship. Think of how impressionable you were in your first relationship, now imagine being permanently like that - that approximates to her.

She may always have been bi, and just lied to you as she expected that was what you wanted to hear, or maybe some manipulation tactic. Who knows really - a lot of questions we never get answers to.

My ex always said she hated flowers, as did her mother.
Last week, she was taking a pot shot at me on social media, as her new love interest got her Valentine's Day Flowers, her attack involved an inside joke that only the 2 of us would understand, and boasting it was the first time she received flowers and tagged it with #clueless among other things.

To everyone else, it looks like she was degrading the guy who bought her the flowers.  I actually got pretty angry - more the endless stream of attacks rather than this one incident, but then I managed to work through the anger, got a new perspective on it, and just realised how utterly daft it is.

The childishness would be hilarious if they didn't hurt us so much.

But you and I don't have to live that life anymore.

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earlyL
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« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2017, 11:06:02 AM »



The childishness would be hilarious if they didn't hurt us so much.



Oh so true. Childishness versus manipulation. It is a brutal combination. I do feel so sad for my ex. But I am glad to be out of it.
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gjkopriv

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« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2017, 11:18:42 AM »

YEAH, I GOT THE SAME THING, SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE HER ONE MORE CHANCE AND I SAID NO. WE STILL REMAINED TO TALK FOR A WEEK OR SO AND SHE NEVER MENTIONED A PLANNED VACATION WE HAD, SO I WENT AHEAD AND MADE PLANS TO VISIT FAMILY I HAVE DOWN SOUTH. WHEN SHE FOUND OUT I WAS GOING, SHE ASKED TO GO WITH ME, I SAID NO.  WHILE ON VACATION A WEEK LATER I GOT A TEXT THAT SHE WAS MARRYING ANOTHER GUY. NOW ITS 6 MONTHS LATER AND SHE STILL LIVES AT THE SAME ADDRESS WITH HER HUSBAND (EX SHE TOLD ME) AND HER KIDS... .I NEVER KNEW PEOPLE COULD LIE THIS BAD
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Belizabeth

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« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2017, 11:34:35 AM »

Oh so true. Childishness versus manipulation. It is a brutal combination. I do feel so sad for my ex. But I am glad to be out of it.


Childish is an understatement. I was w this girl off and on for 2 years so I had seen her latch onto exes (this ex wasn't even one of them)  in between our break ups (these exes moved out of state) so I think she reverted back to the next in line. At this point I wasn't too phased by this "engagement" as it merely seems desperate. I feel bad for the girl that she desperately has to have someone (anyone really) because she can't sit within herself. I'm still curious to see how long this will last though.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2017, 02:15:57 PM »

I agree with infjEpic, it is most likely not true. My ex would say the craziest things to me to get me to respond. I remember one time during a NC attempt, she texted me " I'm glad I didn't tell you about the miscarriage " There was no truth to that.
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Belizabeth

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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2017, 02:27:19 PM »

I agree with infjEpic, it is most likely not true. My ex would say the craziest things to me to get me to respond. I remember one time during a NC attempt, she texted me " I'm glad I didn't tell you about the miscarriage " There was no truth to that.

I wondered how valid it was at first too however once I told her we weren't getting back together she blocked me on social media and posted a photo kissing the guy with a ring on her finger saying "were engaged!" It seemed unreal and I would think it was a lie had I not seen it myself and all the people (including her family) congratulating her. I have since got rid of social media and blocked her on everything including my phone. I only knew of this through a friend who follows her.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2017, 02:37:58 PM »

Also do people with BPD struggle with sexual identity as this was a same sex relationship

My ex struggled with his sexual identity. I know that when he was in high school he did some experimenting. He said that it was just experimentation. Quite frankly, there were times when he acted a bit homophobic. I think it was actually him hating that part of himself due to being repressed because of his religious upbringing.

After 15 years of marriage, he told me that he was bisexual and wanted to experiment with men. I was cool with that. The problem was that he didn't go searching for men. He primarily chased other women. He could go from one day professing his love to me to the next day finding his soul mate. It was very confusing and very hurtful to me that he seemed to flip switches so quickly and could tell me how great these other women were after only knowing them for a short time. We had 15 years together and had 4 kids. Didn't that count for something? Apparently not to him.

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SuperJew82
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« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2017, 02:55:24 PM »

Wow... .well sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction for these guys... .what can I say. I just hope he is prepared for the road ahead of him.

I know this is anecdotal stuff from me, but both diagnosed pwBPD that I know ( my ex and a friend ) have been bisexual.

My hypothesis is that sexual abuse can complicate one's sexual mentality greatly and it is very common in pwBPD. No two people with personality disorders are identical - but it's something to think about.
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gjkopriv

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« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2017, 03:47:39 PM »

ALL OF THE STORIES FOLLOW A SCRIPT,,,ITS KIND OF SCARY... .I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THIS RELATIONSHIP AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT BPD WAS, I TOLD ALL MY FRIENDS I'M GOING TO WRITE A BOOK ONE DAY, CAUSE THEY NEVER WOULD BELIEVE THE THINGS SHE SAID, DID, AND THAT I PUT UP WITH... .THEN I FOUND THIS SITE... .AND I REALIZED MY BOOK HAS BEEN WRITTEN 10000000'S OF TIMES... .SAME STORIES... .SAME LIES... .SAME EVERYTHING... .I WOULD'NT HAVE FUCH FAITH IN ANY PICTURE SHE POSTS WITH A RING. IT PROBABLY IS A LIE OR SHE'S JUST DOING IT TO GET TO YOU AND SHE WONT BE WITH HIM IN A MONTH. AND I WOULD ALWAYS  GET THE STORY OF HOW SHE WAS WITH A WOMAN FOR 15 YEARS WHO PASSED AWAY OF CANCER, AND THAT NONE OF HER FRIENDS COULD BELIEVE SHE FELL FOR ME CAUSE THEY THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO BE WITH A WOMAN,BUT ALL HER THREATS WERE OTHER GUYS... .NEVER ONCE OVER THE YEAR WAS THERE ANY MENTION OF HER MEETING A WOMAN... .  THEY JUST SAY THINGS TO SEE WHAT REACTIONS YOU GIVE THEM, AND THEY PICK UP ON YOUR FEARS AND USE THEM AGAINST YOU TO KEEP  YOU ATTACHED UNTIL YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2017, 04:08:41 PM »

I have also heard that leaving your CAPSLOCK key on is another common side effect from the relationship PTSD.

:P

On a more serious note: You are absolutely correct. Many a pwBPD will engineer campaign of communication that is put together for one reason only - to elicit an emotional response from you so that you will be charmed into a recycle or put back into their safety net of fallback partners.
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marti644
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« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2017, 04:18:33 PM »

My ex has an endless supply of pictures to post on instagram and facebook to show she is doing something awesome when she wants to hurt someone. Sadly she is 9/10 times at home, in that BPD hole. I caught onto this when I knew that her haircut was different, or the weather in the pic or video was different, only figured this out post-breakup though. Now, I just feel sorry for someone who doesn't have any identity, and likely never will.
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marti644
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« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2017, 04:21:27 PM »

On Super's last comment: this is very true. You have to realize how much more emotionally aware they are than us. It's subconscious and natural for them. My ex was wearing clothes I bought her in all the pictures on social media before I blocked her for good. She said they were ugly and cheap before and never wore them once while we were together. I go NC, suddenly it's all she's wearing.
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Belizabeth

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« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2017, 04:29:07 PM »

ALL OF THE STORIES FOLLOW A SCRIPT,,,ITS KIND OF SCARY... .I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THIS RELATIONSHIP AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT BPD WAS, I TOLD ALL MY FRIENDS I'M GOING TO WRITE A BOOK ONE DAY, CAUSE THEY NEVER WOULD BELIEVE THE THINGS SHE SAID, DID, AND THAT I PUT UP WITH... .THEN I FOUND THIS SITE... .AND I REALIZED MY BOOK HAS BEEN WRITTEN 10000000'S OF TIMES... .SAME STORIES... .SAME LIES... .SAME EVERYTHING... .I WOULD'NT HAVE FUCH FAITH IN ANY PICTURE SHE POSTS WITH A RING. IT PROBABLY IS A LIE OR SHE'S JUST DOING IT TO GET TO YOU AND SHE WONT BE WITH HIM IN A MONTH. AND I WOULD ALWAYS  GET THE STORY OF HOW SHE WAS WITH A WOMAN FOR 15 YEARS WHO PASSED AWAY OF CANCER, AND THAT NONE OF HER FRIENDS COULD BELIEVE SHE FELL FOR ME CAUSE THEY THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO BE WITH A WOMAN,BUT ALL HER THREATS WERE OTHER GUYS... .NEVER ONCE OVER THE YEAR WAS THERE ANY MENTION OF HER MEETING A WOMAN... .  THEY JUST SAY THINGS TO SEE WHAT REACTIONS YOU GIVE THEM, AND THEY PICK UP ON YOUR FEARS AND USE THEM AGAINST YOU TO KEEP  YOU ATTACHED UNTIL YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Luckily she gets no reaction out of me at this point. The first few times it broke me, this time I'm determined to heal myself. I have no doubt she'll try to contact me in the future when things don't work out but lucky for me I have no social media and have taken extra steps to block her from contacting me. I get to make healthy choices today so this doesn't keep messing with my mental state.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2017, 04:34:34 PM »

Yes. Train of thought:

1. Emotionally poke at you. Say something, anything to get a reaction, and the more you resist the more intense it can be.

2. Just like an expert fly-fisherman, wait for the hungry fish to bite.

3. Set the hook by turning on the charm, a glimpse of what you used to see when things were good.

It's like sprinkling some cocaine around on the coffee table of a recovered addict. The recovered addict was smart enough to stop a destructive habit of chemically induced ups and downs. The alcoholic was wise enough to stop living in an impaired state.

The thing that makes our situation tougher is that a recovered alcoholic doesn't have to worry about a bottle of whiskey stalking them, texting them, emailing them, calling them, and leaving all sorts of tidbits to entice them into picking up the horrible habit again.

My problem was never saying " enough " and walking away. My problem was being dumb enough to take the bait of an artificial lure.

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Belizabeth

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« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2017, 04:54:23 PM »

Yes. Train of thought:

1. Emotionally poke at you. Say something, anything to get a reaction, and the more you resist the more intense it can be.

2. Just like an expert fly-fisherman, wait for the hungry fish to bite.

3. Set the hook by turning on the charm, a glimpse of what you used to see when things were good.

It's like sprinkling some cocaine around on the coffee table of a recovered addict. The recovered addict was smart enough to stop a destructive habit of chemically induced ups and downs. The alcoholic was wise enough to stop living in an impaired state.

The thing that makes our situation tougher is that a recovered alcoholic doesn't have to worry about a bottle of whiskey stalking them, texting them, emailing them, calling them, and leaving all sorts of tidbits to entice them into picking up the horrible habit again.

My problem was never saying " enough " and walking away. My problem was being dumb enough to take the bait of an artificial lure.




True, luckily I haven't experienced the stalking yet. She tends to paint me black until she needs something in which case she reaches out but once I reject her she's onto the next in no time.
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marti644
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« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2017, 04:55:34 PM »

Super, you make it sound like people with BPD are predators, I thought so at one point too. But the more I learn the more I realize that they have an emotion and they shape their reality around it. Nothing about it is planned, these are acts of desperation. They feel so therefore they are. I think for my healing at least that's important to understand. Anger is good at points in this process, but it also shifts blame and at least for me, makes me lose sight of my faults in the relationship. ie. Trying to fix them for my own selfish reasons or being with someone who it was clear after a time didn't love me the way I needed them too.
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Belizabeth

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« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2017, 05:12:04 PM »

Super, you make it sound like people with BPD are predators, I thought so at one point too. But the more I learn the more I realize that they have an emotion and they shape their reality around it. Nothing about it is planned, these are acts of desperation. They feel so therefore they are. I think for my healing at least that's important to understand. Anger is good at points in this process, but it also shifts blame and at least for me, makes me lose sight of my faults in the relationship. ie. Trying to fix them for my own selfish reasons or being with someone who it was clear after a time didn't love me the way I needed them too.

I agree with this and maybe I am naive but I don't think these people intentionally hurt others. I think these are coping mechanisms for them to protect themselves and unfortunately those around them get hurt. I also agree that there are 2 parts to this type of relationship and it's good to look back at ourselves and ask why we stayed with these types of people for so long and tolerated them? Yes I think there is an addictive component for sure but I also think it stems from our own childhood wounds as well which is important to look at
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2017, 05:40:54 PM »

I agree with this and maybe I am naive but I don't think these people intentionally hurt others.

I don't think it is naive at all. I don't feel like my ex ever intended to hurt me.

Excerpt
I think these are coping mechanisms for them to protect themselves and unfortunately those around them get hurt.

I think this is a very true statement. I know that ex has told me that he felt ashamed of his sexuality due to growing up in such a strict religious environment. His parents weren't abusive in the traditional sense but they were pervasively invalidating and he felt like he had to be who and what they wanted him to be rather than being himself. As such, he wasn't really able to establish his own identity and become internally driven. He had to check with external sources such as his parents or his church and then later me to see if what he was doing was okay. I know there were times when he would say and do hurtful things and he seemed to be totally clueless that what he did was hurtful. I had a very difficult time with that because I would find myself thinking, "How can you NOT know that something like that would be hurtful to another person?"
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #19 on: February 21, 2017, 08:53:20 PM »

Am I turning them into predators in my head as some type of coping mechanism? Maybe that isn't healthy for me to do. I understand the basic psychology of it.

I know they don't wake up and say " Who can I hurt today? "  - but in the end, they still hurt everyone and leave a trail of destruction. I'm sure if they could take magic pill and be done with this order, they would do so in a heartbeat.

I don't want my ex to be unhappy. I really don't. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, but in the end, it all feels the same.

I know that they are people with disorders, but they do put their own emotional needs above the needs of everyone else. This much is certain. If doing something that hurts someone makes them feel better, I would say that a big percentage would do so and find a way to justify it. To me, that is what makes a person " bad ". I dunno... .I'm confused.

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SuperJew82
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« Reply #20 on: February 21, 2017, 08:58:49 PM »

I can't comprehend how someone would not have a clue how something could hurt someone so badly. I know every person if different, but my diagnosed ex would cheat and lie over and over again. It is just really hard for me to honestly fathom the idea that she didn't know.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2017, 09:02:20 PM »

Super, you make it sound like people with BPD are predators, I thought so at one point too. But the more I learn the more I realize that they have an emotion and they shape their reality around it. Nothing about it is planned, these are acts of desperation. They feel so therefore they are. I think for my healing at least that's important to understand. Anger is good at points in this process, but it also shifts blame and at least for me, makes me lose sight of my faults in the relationship. ie. Trying to fix them for my own selfish reasons or being with someone who it was clear after a time didn't love me the way I needed them too.

Thank you. That is a very sobering statement. You should be charging my insurance company.

I'm exhausted and too tired to be angry anymore.

:/
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Leaflet

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« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2017, 09:07:00 PM »

2 weeks... .sounds solid! What could go wrong!


And the misandry thing - BPDs are often regarded as having no core personality. She could be an anti-semite or something equally ridiculous in the next relationship. Think of how impressionable you were in your first relationship, now imagine being permanently like that - that approximates to her.

I completely agree! My BPD mom is constantly changing her personality. Now she's married to a Jewish man, and she's started talking like a Jewish grandmother. Sometimes I just stare at her like, 'Who are you?' She tells me she intends to start playing Bridge, which sounds super fun, except that she's NEVER liked cards in her life. She seems to take on the core personality of her husband now. His beliefs are her beliefs down to disliking me and my sister. I've just kinda gotten used to her and don't take any of it very seriously.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2017, 09:13:35 PM »

Am I turning them into predators in my head as some type of coping mechanism?

Sometimes it feels like "predator" is the only reasonable explanation because the nature of their actions feels like it has a high degree of intentionality to it, and it indeed does.  The "predator" understanding is an overlaying of our intellectual construct of acceptable behaviors on top of their emotional disorder and need to defend what they perceive as scary or frightening. 

My ex told me early on that "the best defense is a good offense".  Though I thought it a little strange that she would offer some Football logic while talking about friendships, I really didnt see it as more than an odd-comment.  Knowing what I do today, she was telling me outright; I need to be offensive to defend myself.  Of course I couldn't see what she was defending against, and maybe she couldn't either, but she sure felt a need to be.


If doing something that hurts someone makes them feel better, I would say that a big percentage would do so and find a way to justify it. To me, that is what makes a person " bad ". I dunno... .I'm confused

I think being confused sounds accurate.  Not because your understanding is confused, rather, the context is.  Truly pwBPD feel emotions in the way that a person with a 3rd degree sunburn feels touch.  Using that analogy, if I did not know that you had a 3rd degree burn and gently touched your arm and you pushed me back I would be hurt and offended and claim that you were simply mean. 

Seeing a pwBPD in this way helps provide context in our understanding.  They are not "bad", they are "hurting".  But unlike a sunburn, their emotional hurt is covered over with an adult exterior that gives the impression that their emotional skin is just like everyone else's; it is not, and that is part of what the definition of BPD is.

Over time, when you begin to see a pwBPD as having a disorder; perspective shifts from "bad" to "disordered" and though our hurt feelings are not erased by that, we also find that perpetuating negative beliefs about the same is not helpful either; for us or them.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2017, 09:31:08 PM »

I've heard the burn-victim analogy before. For the life of me, I still cannot, as much as I want to, truly understand it.

If I survived a gas station fire and was in the burn unit trying to heal and an apprentice nurse grabbed my charred arm, I might yell in agony, but as soon as she stopped - I would feel bad for her because she must be feeling pretty dang horrible for unintentionally causing me so much pain.

I am afraid I cannot use this analogy. If I had to make up an analogy it would be a drowning analogy - as I have been in a near drowning situation.

When you are coming close to drowning ( I hope nobody here ever gets to do this ) , nothing but primitive "stay the heck alive" kicks in and you are only focused on getting air. I could easily see how one might pull in someone to climb atop on to grab some air.

But that was one of those most intense memories in my life and I just can't compare that to a relationship issue.
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« Reply #25 on: February 22, 2017, 03:45:40 AM »

joe,

I have never heard the sunburn analogy before. Thanks for that!
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infjEpic
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« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2017, 04:58:13 AM »

Am I turning them into predators in my head as some type of coping mechanism?

Maybe that isn't healthy for me to do. I understand the basic psychology of it.

Just like pwBPD, Anger is part of the coping mechanism for Nons too. Especially for people who are struggling with No Contact.
Viewing them as predatory helps establish that anger and remove the dangerous self doubt that results in people being recycled.
It's a stage in the process - and I don't think it can be skipped.
And people experience anger later, and for other reasons.
Suffice to say, it serves a very important purpose.


People in the very early stages of the recovery, do not need a deeper understanding of what occurred, or be accountable for their own part in it. That comes later with stability, then growth.

Their immediate need is to survive. We all know that incredible pain - mourning the living... .

Therefore, when I see people who are just coming out of a relationship, or very early in NC, I'm never trying to communicate a higher understanding of it.
I'm just trying to help them cope & that often means - them giving themselves permission to use whatever emotional tools they need to survive.


Here is a pretty good explanation that helped me understand how we evolve through this recovery process.

Quote from: skip
There are many months of healing ahead and lots of rungs on the ladder. At each rung, you will think you figured it... .and then you will learn more (net rung) and think you have it... .and then another rung... .and another... .

Here is a story.

Your friend gets a really cute mutt puppy at the SPCA - breed unknown. The dog is cute at time and hard to handle at times. Every time you check in on your friend over the next 4 years, you here a story. Cute Christmas doggy photos. Then Dog ate the sofa. Dog bite the child next door. Dog ran away. His kids love the dog. Dog got hit by a car, needs $10,000 surgery. Dog came home bit the owner on the face. Animal control is pressing charges for the child bit. Dog is great running companion.  HOA is angry about dog barking at night and fines owner. Owner goes to court. Dog runs a way for good. Owner is heartbroken for two years after the dog is gone. Owner really wants the dog back. Refuses to get another dog.

You talk to the broken-hearted owner who asks you, what went wrong?

Would you say "it was all the dogs fault? You gave the dog everything a dog could want, nothing would satisfy that dog. End of story."  Hardly. There is something off when someone lives fro crisis to crisis and keeps doing the same thing.

Would you say "the dog conned you, manipulated you, gaslighted you. You couldn't possibly have made sense of any of that."  Dogs aren't that smart or organized.

Would you say "if you had watched the dog whisperer before you got the dog, this would have been manageable. That's where you came up short. "  But when he discovered that it was a difficult dog, he knew he was not Cesar Millan, or a pro golfer, or an architect - he was just a typical dog owner.

In the last 300 posts in this thread series, these three comments have been made many times.

Was the 4 years really about the dog?  Or is it a much more complex story about a difficult dog and someone with not very good dog skills who went deep into a two -way destructive cycle with a dog (for months and months and crisis after crisis) and couldn't rise above it enough to find a way up (or out). Even after the dog was gone - the destructive cycle was missed.

Is it possible the thing to think about in this story, is what I highlighted in yellow. Why did that happen.

Don't worry about this today. Don't feel a need to deny or agree.

We all have to go up each rung of the ladder. I'm only sharing this to encourage you keep an open mind and to understand that this process like peeling an onion layer by layer, learning more with each layer until you discover who you were in that "event".

When you do, you will have the key to a better relationship life.
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« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2017, 05:51:56 AM »

I can't comprehend how someone would not have a clue how something could hurt someone so badly. I know every person if different, but my diagnosed ex would cheat and lie over and over again. It is just really hard for me to honestly fathom the idea that she didn't know.

I don't think I'd have much credibility left with you, if I told you it could all be blamed on the disorder, on impulsivity.
But the sad truth, is that it only takes a nominal amount of these personality traits to be very destructive and hurt us that badly. (and repetitively).

Someone could be mildly BPD, yet seem like the greatest monster who ever lived by how much they hurt us, and if they hurt us that badly, surely it must be deliberate?
It doesn't necessarily follow tho.

It's difficult to believe (I know!). But a lot of the very hurtful stuff BPDs do, which we perceive as predatory - are their toxic comping mechanisms.
Non-disordered people act impulsively & cruelly too, but as would be expected, this behaviour is more pronounced among disordered people, which is unsurprising given the lack of boundaries.

I don't subscribe to the idea (presently anyway) that everything can be blamed on the disorder.
I don't think anything is that black and white.
Non-disordered people act in reprehensible ways too after all - think of 'Gold Diggers'.

And I certainly reacted with anger during the BPD relationship, that I didn't think I was capable of.
I didn't set out with the attempt to do that, but it was my impulsive reaction to emotional stimulus - kind of like a pwBPD I guess?

I would say that my previous understanding was that pwBPD are typically impulsive when getting into relationships or during the idealisation phases, and more predatory during the devaluation/discard phases.
The more familiar I become with the broad set of BPD relationships, the more I realise that evaluation was inaccurate. (I was transferring my own experience*).
Now I would say that impulsivity does in fact play a much larger role


*I do make an exception here, for co-morbidity.
I see huge distinction between my ex and many of the typical BPD cases I see here.
Viewing all these cases, showed me that my experience was not the norm.
Some of us did not have what I would consider a typical BPDex, but probably someone with pronounced co-morbid traits - or where BPD may have been the lesser disorder.
In my opinion, there is definite predatory behaviour in this subset.
(my ex has done hospital, and in a different country with a different justice system, probably jail time)


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« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2017, 08:59:44 AM »

rejection and abandonment hurt to the core. sometimes a person (anyone, though perhaps particularly someone who struggles with self esteem) will do anything (whether through thought or action) to reverse those feelings.

i wanted my ex to come back so i could reject her. i fantasized about it. thats coping with rejection and abandonment. she had her coping mechanisms from the perceived rejection and abandonment too.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
SuperJew82
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« Reply #29 on: February 22, 2017, 09:00:07 AM »

I dunno. I just read articles like this that describe my experience with amazing accuracy:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

- and in articles like these, the professionals call them predatory in nature.

I've read several books about the disorder, how they think it comes about, how they see the world, and etc... .

but when it comes down to me - I might have to my own black/white split style thinking and just go with the statement of:

If someone puts their own emotional needs above everyone else's and is willing to do things that require other people to endure significant suffering in order to fulfill there needs - then that person is "bad" in my book

So, of course, my primitive caveman survival code would tell me: " Stay away from bad person who hurts you "

I understand where you are trying to go with the dog analogy - but I just can't say it's right.

The dog ... .well is a dog. pwBPD are not animals. They are Teachers, Nurses, Mothers, Sons, Coworkers, etc... .They go to college, perform all sorts of high functioning activities, and some even become therapist! In my case - my ex was absolutely brilliant, multiple degrees, deans lists, honors, etc... .

They have to understand that things such as cheating hurt people. I also understand that their fear of abandonment is much more strong than feelings that you and I might have. I just can't imagine doing something that would devastate someone to give myself comfort. I would rather suffer alone.

The only thing that makes sense to me is that most of the Cluster B disorder share a certain attribute: The lack of empathy.

Empathy requires the ability emotionally to really feel how someone else feels, understand their emotions, put yourself in their position and truly feel for them in an understanding, care, and giving way.

Based on their actions I would say that most borderlines ( not all ) that a lack normal empathy and that would explain so much.





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