How did you deal with social media? I have remained friends on Facebook.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well it's been about a month and I'm back. I'll probably write more later, but for now just a question to those who feel they've moved on or are in the process of moving on successfully.

How did you deal with social media? I have remained friends with her on Facebook and although we don't interact at all (haven't in 3 months), I'm always tempted to look at her page, see things in my feed at times, and I have to assume she occasionally notices what I post as well. I don't know how I feel about this, since it doesn't really feel like NC even though we're not actually communicating. I'm not seeing anyone or anything but I don't really like the fact that she still sees pictures of me and where I go, etc. when she isn't talking to me. I thought about blocking her and her family/friends, rather than unfriending them. That way some day when it bothers me less maybe I could undo it. Unfriending entirely just isn't something I want to do.

What have you done that's helped you?

[JJacks0]

Well it's been about a month and I'm back. I'll probably write more later, but for now just a question to those who feel they've moved on or are in the process of moving on successfully.

How did you deal with social media? I have remained friends with her on Facebook and although we don't interact at all (haven't in 3 months), I'm always tempted to look at her page, see things in my feed at times, and I have to assume she occasionally notices what I post as well. I don't know how I feel about this, since it doesn't really feel like NC even though we're not actually communicating. I'm not seeing anyone or anything but I don't really like the fact that she still sees pictures of me and where I go, etc. when she isn't talking to me. I thought about blocking her and her family/friends, rather than unfriending them. That way some day when it bothers me less maybe I could undo it. Unfriending entirely just isn't something I want to do.

What have you done that's helped you?

[marti644]

Hi JJack,

I would suggest you unfriend or block all her social media accounts, and family and friends (depending on the importance of the relationship with you of course). The fact that you posted about this probably means that it does bother you to see her posts and the fact that she knows what you're up to. I was incredibly bothered by what she posted (how great her life was, how awesome of a birthday she had - she dumped me three days before, and insinuations of new romantic interests). At one point when I was stupid enough to still look, she was deleting one picture a day we took together. Likely your ex will use her social media as a way to reconnect with you, either by posting things that will hurt your feelings, deleting old pictures, or attempting to recycle you.

But there are no fast and hard rules here but I no going fully NC for me meant blocking and deleting my BPD-ex from everything. Since blocking her accounts, numerous stalking accounts have tried to re-add me and I have received strange messages fishing for information about my whereabouts from people I believe are her friends. If anything this has reinforced my belief in her illness and made me more resolute in my NC policy.

If blocking seems more proper than unfriending than that is a great idea. But just ask yourself: Do you ever want to be in a relationship with her again? If that answer in your heart after you search your feelings is no, unfriend and never look back.

[once removed]

if you block, it has the same effect as unfriending. if you undo it, youre still no longer friends.

have you tried unfollowing?

[Maboo]

What have you done that's helped you?

When we broke up she blocked me on Facebook. Although I wasn't surprised as social media in general was a major source of her arguments with me, at first I felt anxious about the fact that she won't know that I can move on. She was the one who left me, and I believe that somewhere I wanted her to know that she didn't totally break me by her seeing me moving on. That's an unhealthy approach, given the fact that by thinking this way I did the opposite of moving on, I was putting my self-esteem and approval of "doing better" in her hands again, hoping to get the borderline idealization drug, not accepting the fact it is done and over and I need to REALLY move on eventually.

I believe her act of blocking me actually made the environment of healing better for two reasons:
1. I would've been obsessed with looking at her page and my heart would explode seeing her doing stuff while I was stuck as a depressed wreck in bed. We have some mutual friends and I notice her liking their posts (likes that I can't see as I'm blocked) and even that sometimes makes me miss her. Given my current condition this is just better like that. I once saw a picture of her on her friend's page and instantly regretted doing so. Her eyes still has power over me. This is natural but unhealthy right now.
2. I would've expect her to see every post I am tagged in or posting myself, just to get the approval for myself that she see that I am not a wreck. This is a great way to distract myself from the real goal - actually moving on from this need, and actually accepting the present fact that our relationship is over.

[Mutt]

Hi JJacks0,

I would suggest you unfriend or block all her social media accounts, and family and friends (depending on the importance of the relationship with you of course). The fact that you posted about this probably means that it does bother you to see her posts and the fact that she knows what you're up to.

I hadn't noticed until I started removing my exe's family and friends but some had removed me, probably because of her smear campaign, none of them gave the courtesy to ask me my side of the story, they were loyal to her. That being said, I was tempted to peek on her social media too, I decided that my boundary was going to be that we talk only about the kids and nothing else, I don't share anything personal about me.

What if your ex contacts you? It was a set back in the beginning when my ex contacted me or I tried to reason with her, my advice is if you have kids, minimal contact, if you don't have kids I strongly suggest NC, don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) if your ex contacts you because you're not going to be able to reason  her, BPD is a lifelong mental illness, look out for yourself, there is only one person in this world that has that job to take care of yourself and that's you, I'd block social media to speed up your recovery until you feel much stronger because you're going to lose your emotional footing if you communicate with your ex.

[valet]

Do you think that NC is what's best for you?

Start there and proceed accordingly. You can make all of this easier on yourself by figuring out what your goals are from the get go. Take some time and think about them!

[Pretty Woman]

You can block what she sees on your page if you go to settings. That way you won't trigger her by unfriending.
You can also click the "unfollow" button and her posts won't pop up in your newsfeed.

This won't prevent you from looking at her page, that's all up to you  but it will restrict what she sees on yours.

I had to do this to a friend recently. I didn't want to cause drama and it was an easy fix. To her, it looks like I haven't posted in awhile or am not posting.

I suggest it. It works great for me.

[Rayban]

I agree unfollow is your best bet here. Unfriending or blocking could trigger a negative reaction on her part and you don't need to deal with that.

For myself I just deleted my Facebook page. It wasn't a necessity in my life, and 90% of the stuff on there is mindless bs. Before I deleted I would seek peeks at her page and seeking new random guys liking her pics that she changed often just had me ruminating on her instead of focusing on my self.

[vortex of confusion]

I blocked and unfriended.

At one point, I thought I was doing better so I added him back because I thought he might want to see anything that I might post about our kids.

I found out rather quickly that I couldn't handle it. There were pictures of him going out with a friend. His posts made is sound like nothing had changed. I found it very triggering and I wanted to lash out at him.

Rather than allow myself to see that stuff, I just removed it. How you approach it will depend on how hurtful it is to see that stuff and whether or not you can keep yourself from ruminating or setting yourself back. For me, it was a huge setback and I couldn't do that to myself.

[bunny4523]

Maybe ask yourself "what am i hoping to see?"  Sometimes we think if we see them appearing "happy" it means everyone might think it that it was us that ruined the relationship.  Sometimes not seeing those displays of happiness tell us, "good she is missing me or getting what she deserves."  Both are a false sense of security.

The bottom line is... .  there is no correlation between your ex's happiness and yours.  Seeing your ex happy doesn't make your life any less fullfilling.  Nor does seeing your ex unhappy make your life more enjoyable. 

My suggestion to you is... .stop looking at the ex's life and look at yours.  Think about what you want and deserve in a relationship and go live your life.

I'm not on my ex's social media but I wouldn't look anyway.  I don't care.  I'm busy living, loving and enjoying my life.  I still hear things but I don't care.  I think it helps that I found a really great guy and I am very happy in my new relationship.  Actually I'm sure that helps alot because then the lies my ex would say about me no longer circle in my head.  Instead I hear wonderful things about who I am everyday.

Surround yourself with people that say wonderful things about you.

Bunny

[Circle]

If you do stay on, the pain of looking may stop you from doing so.
This is how it worked for me.
I have not 'unfriended' them.
I don't want to set them off.
I just unfollowed them.
Also, I am posting on f.b., a small amount.
However I am not scrolling through other's posts.
I may see one, as I log in.
It just makes me feel better, not to see a lot.
Seeing what anyone is thinking can be disturbing, I've found.
I never wanted to be a telepath/see into peoples minds.
At least with bpdfamily.com, you get a list of boards, and then, posting titles.
On f.b., you have no idea what is going to appear.

[balletomane]

Six weeks after my ex told me he was now in a relationship with his flatmate (but he hoped I'd stay his friend, because he didn't feel able to tell her about his self-harm yet and he "needed me ", I wrote him a polite e-mail explaining that I was in a lot of pain over his behaviour and that it would be best for me if I removed him from Facebook until we were better able to establish an equal friendship. During that six weeks I was in hell because of what he'd done to me (not just the cheating - I was finally being forced to confront the abuse that preceded it), but I tried hard to maintain the friendship he'd asked for, as we'd been good friends before we became a couple and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He didn't have time to talk or to see me even once, and on the one occasion we bumped into each other in public, he was incredibly rude and passive-aggressive (I tried to make conversation, and he walked off right as I was speaking without any further ado). He did contact me once when he'd self-harmed after a fight with his new girlfriend. It became clear to me then that he just wanted me to stay out of sight until he wanted me for something, and I realised that I couldn't put myself through this. I also realised that so long as he remained on my social media, I would be logging in every time with the pathetic hope that maybe, maybe he would have sent me a message. I was like a hungry puppy desperate for scraps. Removing him from Facebook set me free from that, at least. At first I did worry that I would trigger his awful behaviour, which scared me and made me worry for him, but then I reflected that given the nature of his illness he is going to be triggered no matter what I do (he could be triggered by a completely innocuous status I make, for example!) and it's not my responsibility to be his guardian. Trying to take responsibility for his symptoms and their management was a major problem during the whole relationship and I had to stop doing this for my own sake. Unfriending him was part of the process - it meant putting my needs (which I actually have power to do something about) in front of his issues (which I have no power over, and are his responsibility anyway).

[JJacks0]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I didn't realize that part of blocking included unfriending, so I've just unfollowed her and her family/friends. It's tempting to check in, so it would be easier if it weren't even an option. But I guess I'll just need to show restraint.

[mjssmom]

It hurts too much to see him with the woman he lined up as my replacement.  Thank God he blocked me and I didn't really have a choice.  As far as I'm concerned, true NC also means blocking social media.  Emotionally it's better for you not to have the trigger of constantly running into seeing anything pertaining to her or anticipating it could happen when your using social media.

[Tottie]

No contact has to be 'no information'. Block everything tell your shared friends that you dont want to hear a thing about your ex. No news is good news

[marti644]

Exactly. No information is key. I have found since I cutoff of any information supply that I have rapidly improved my ability separate my feelings of loss from the real person I was with, not the idealized person (which is what you see on social media). I side bonus for me has been her attempts to reach out to me through stalker accounts and through missed phone calls. Sad and really reinforces the nature of her disorder. Her attempts to find out what I am doing make we want to stay NC permanently. It helps so much to move on to not know anything!

[lovenature]

Well JJ I am old school and don't have any interest in face book, but I have heard it called "fake book" a number of times on here and I recognize why; people want others to see the best in them, to the point of being unrealistic by posting only positive things, and at times they aren't even being genuine about what they post.
Bottom line is face book or any social media involving our ex.'s is breaking NC and hindering our recovery.
Total NC is the best way to detach.