Emotionally drowning

[finding_hope]

Hello! I've been married for almost 15 years and have 5 amazing girls. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship from the get go. Things have always been a little "off" with him. However, nothing compares to what the last year has been like. I should first start by saying that my husband has had about 10-12 concussions in his life (sports related) and comes from a very abusive childhood. His mom severely abused him both emotionally and physically.

I spend my days walking on eggshells, never knowing when I'm going to get criticized, corrected or upset at for the smallest things. Sometimes I even think, "if I do this, he will get upset, but if I do the opposite he might also get upset." Over the last number of months, he has started to get very irritated in some of my mannerisms. The way I move my mouth, eyebrows and most recently, the way I say my "s." He says its like nails on chalkboard to him. Up to this point, when I talk with him I always have to be on guard making sure I don't do any of the things that he doesn't like (don't move my mouth this way, don't lick my lips, etc) or else he will get angry and treat me horribly unless I respond with an apology and recognize his  hurt. Well, now he can't stand the way I say my "s." He has asked me to practice the way I talk, but not just with him, with everyone and also to be practicing when in the shower, doing laundry, etc. He says I get upset and defensive when he asks me to stop. I have to say when he first brought it up to me, I did think "oh brother here is yet another thing." And I said that I'm sorry, but its just the way I talk. He said I'm being snooty and disrespectful that I don't take all measures to practice and change. I have committed to him that I do practice when I talk with him, but I will not take time during the day to do speech exercises. I don't think that is reasonable or he should ask this of me. I have asked a ton of people if I say my "s" with a whistle but no one says I do. I have asked friends if I should abide by his wishes to do exercises and no one thinks I should have to do that, that things have crossed over to emotional abuse now. It's not just this, its so many other things as well. I have lost total confidence in being a mom because I always do it wrong. Don't brush their hair right, don't give them baths right, etc. He's always pointing things out to me. To him, he's just helping me and i should receive it all. He's like a walking time bomb. I never know if he's going to love me or hate me.

We have had some really good conversations over the last few months about it. I have brought up gently that he just isn't himself lately. And I have even brought up the concussion thing. A few times he has soberly said, "yes, I need help." Recently I told him he really needed to get a therapist and we could go together cause I know I need help as well. He finally found one and we have started to see this guy. I met with him one on one to start. He recommended the book Walking on Eggshells and I found the site BPDcentral. com. For the first time I felt like I found something that described my life to a T as well as our relationship. The therapist said that ADHD (which my husband and I both recognize he has) could also mimic some of the BPD symptoms.  I felt encouraged after the meeting, but then we have started to meet together. During the last meeting the therapist were giving us help in how to communicate, listening, etc. I need help not getting emotionally involved. I'm a mess when he is down and when he's up I do much better. He said that it would be ok for me to work on trying not to say "s" in a way that irritates him when we are talking, but that I should not have to while with others.

Well after the meeting we went out for coffee and my husband asked if I was surprised that Nick said to practice. I said that I always am aware of trying when I talk with him. But he is just so convinced that I'm not. He went on to say I'm not passionate about him and I asked why and he said because I won't practice the way he wants. He said I'm being snotty and disrespectful. The conversation just went around and around. I was emotionally exhausted by the end. I tried emailing our therapist after our interaction and asked if I could come in by myself because I felt like a lot of what my husband shared was just not accurate and I need help navigating our conversations better because I'm concerned about my mental and emotional health. But he was very neutral in his response. I get it. He has to be and can't take sides. But his suggestions for communication and listening i just don't think my husband can do because something is off with him. I'm not sure if he actually does have BPD (therapist said it's too early to make diagnosis), but what do I do in the meantime. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

I have even started talking with some close friends to get help because I'm so confused and he does not like that AT ALL. They all say similar things and are encouraging me that i need to stop letting him have control. My default is to just do as he wishes to keep peace. He has even taken my phone and read through my texts and accusing me of just running for validation and 3rd party help and that I can't just talk with him, that I'm not committed to working in out with just him.

But I am emotionally falling apart. My depression has gotten so much worse. I'm having digestive issues and have a hard time eating, etc. Anxiety is through the roof.

I came here for support and help because I am desperate and feel like I'm dying inside.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Deep roots]

Hello Finding Hope! I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I can identify with some of the problems you are having with your husband. My husband also has ADHD. But last year I initially thought that his symptoms had exacerbated because of stress. He started blaming me for everything and his anger turned to yelling and then to rage. I did not know until things got very bad that he was in a manic state from being bipolar. The only way I got him help was to get him to a psychiatrist. He only went so he could tell the doctor how depressed I was and 25 other accusations about me. Thank God the doctor knew he was very sick and put him on an antipsychotic. It took a month for the medicine to work but our marriage survived and we are doing well. He was never like that before. I do see some traits of BPD in him that make our marriage difficult.  We didn't know he was bipolar at all. The reason I am sharing this is because you also expressed that this year is different. I am glad that you are both going to a counselor. I hope the counselor will have your husband go for a screening with a psychiatrist mostly because you have seen a "change in his personality" - and for the worse. A change in personality is a symptom that most doctors will take seriously. It could be a mental or a physical problem. I hope you can also tell his/your General  practioner who may give a recommendation. Please don't wait too long because he could get much worse.   I understand that you take a lot of "garbage" because you want to keep the peace. But by doing that it is at your expense and it may add to your depression and cause low self esteem.  If he is very sick you may have to keep the peace until he gets better. Remember that my husband really thought that everything was wrong with ME and that I was sick and picked on me and put me down in every area of my life. He did not have the self awareness to know that he was sick. It was up to me to help him. Your husband has put unreasonable demands on you and he thinks it is you causing him an ear ache or whatever. I will pray for you and your husband. It is a difficult time that you are going through. 

[incadove]

Oh wow - that sounds so awful.  It sounds like he has a definite mental illness maybe related to the injury.  If you care for him I understand not wanting to leave him when he is ill, but please do get respite care and take care of yourself.   It may be that he is a sick person and not able to control his reactions in a logical way, but in that case you need enough care to be able to take care of him in this extremely difficult sickness.

[finding_hope]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, really. I logged on tonight not knowing if anyone would take the time to read, but I'm so grateful to see responses. It's just helpful to get affirmation that I'm not crazy. This morning he started accusing me of not being honest. He started pointing out all the ways I lied in our meeting with the therapist a few days ago that I dodge his questions and that we won't make progress if I keep doing these things. He went on and on. I just listened and spoke when I could, but not much. I was so emotionally rattled afterwards, I actually packed up the kids and left to go talk with a friend. I'm doing much better since then. I seriously hope this therapist can can move quickly. He wants to meet again with us soon. He encouraged us to talk about hard things and put into practice the skills he gave us. But I'm honestly not sure how I can keep communicating with him when he just attacks me. It's killing me emotionally. But I do understand if the therapist doesn't build a trust first with him, my husband could walk out on therapy the minute he brings up a disorder.
So I know I must exert some effort. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through therapy, what it looked like, how it helped. I'm seriously afraid that it will just be about changing me.

[Deep roots]

I think it is a good sign that your husband is willing to go to therapy but it seems like he is not capable of thinking rationally at this time. When my husband was irrational and accusing me of countless things and blaming me I know that counseling at that time would have been useless until he was on medication and got well. Than we could go to therapy. I hope you have a very good counselor who will be able to see what is really going on with your husband. When my husband was ill he could talk to anybody and seem perfectly fine and wonderful and charming. Then they would see me and think that I looked sad and depressed. I was completely wiped out emotionally from being verbally beat up by him. Almost no one believed me that he was ill. I was so alone but I knew the truth and I was finally successful in getting him help. When The medication kicked in he heartedly thanked me because he knew that he felt much better. I don't think he really understands today how sick he was and how badly he treated me. That is ok as long as we have a good relationship now. I often thought about writing my story in full to possibly help someone else but what I went through was so unbelievable I don't think people would even believe it!

[finding_hope]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I feel exactly the  same way. Fortunately I have friends who believe me and my mom. But I'm not sure what ultimately our counselor will do. However, when I met with him personally he recommended the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and even told me about a dr down in Alabama who does thorough brain scans to see if there is visible damage from concussions, etc. Not sure we could afford that. But I came away from the meeting feeling like he got it. However, like you, my husband can be completely normal with other people and is very smart and intellectual. So he is VERY good and spinning things. He even confuses me and makes me come out of conversations wondering if I really am the problem. Only time will tell. But I hope this therapist can act fast cause I am emotionally coming unglued.

[incadove]

Deep roots which medications helped?  I know this is not for diagnosis and we are not medical professionals but sometimes it helps to look things up for ourselves so we're informed and can also look for a professional experienced with those medications.

[Deep roots]

Hello emotionally drowning, hope you are able to "Keep from falling/ drowning while you are walking on thin ice!" My husband was treated with an antiphychotic medicine for a few months although the psychiatrist said he wasn't psychotic, the drug latuda works well to treat manic depression and other illnesses. His symptoms were manic but also seemed like symptoms of BPD. My daughter has BPD. It seemed to calm him down a lot the first week but took about a month to really see him back to normal. He was also on depakote but a low dose. He was able to go off the latuda after a few months and is now stable on depacote.
   Please let us know how you are doing. I understand how you sometimes think that maybe you are the one who is crazy after listening to your husband. Verbal abuse and criticism will wear you down even when we know it isn't true. You know the truth down deep.