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Author Topic: How long was it before the shock of being replaced wore off for you?  (Read 437 times)
mjssmom
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« on: February 24, 2017, 11:58:00 PM »

So it's been 56 days since I was suddenly replaced.  I was a basket case my first few posts here.  The trauma of the shock, when just two days beforehand he was pushing me to move in with him and wanting to plan our future together... .our relationship was going so well.  The hardest part to accept was all the the plans he talked about for us, all the loving words... .his very love for me, just wasn't real.  I escaped a lot of the more negative things many of you here did though.  We were only together 9 months and I think our relationship stayed for the most part in the honeymoon stage up until the end but also, maybe that's why the shock of the sudden end was so shocking too.  I saw no sign at all that he would do this to us.

He always behaved madly in love with me right up until the end.  I found myself dumped for my replacement only 2 days later, I can't even tell you the pain I felt.  It just can't be comprehended except by others here I think who've been through it.  People around me just don't understand.  They think I should just be over it because he cheated.  So my feelings about him should just be turned off like I'm some kind of robot.  But from what I'm learning and reading here, I'm not alone.  This act of setting up your replacement, dumping you and immediately love bombing the next person seems to be common place.  Am I right about that?

I have to say considering it hasn't even been two months yet, I'm actually coping for the most part very well.  I'm selfishly being super diligent doing everything I can to treat myself well.   

But I still experience pangs of shock.  Of disbelief.  It hits me all of a sudden out of the blue.  It's as if this didn't really happen... .but it did.   How long does this last?  It seems sometimes like this has been just a nightmare I'll wake up from and when I do, things will be back to "normal" between us.  The disbelief that he's just completely done with me seems unreal.  But he changed his number, his email, blocked me on social media... .unless I went to his house, there's no contacting him even if I wanted to.

I want to be done with this.  He's toxic.  But I'm also curious yet if he'll try at some point to re-engage me.  It seems a lot of people here have experienced that but never had complete NC forced on them by their exBPD like I have it seems.   Like I said, it's been almost two months since he completely cut me off so I can't imagine why he would try again after he discards his new gf.  And he will discard her.  People are telling me the signs are already showing she may well be on the way to getting dropped despite the show of happiness on his FB.  Am I still at risk of him trying to contact me at some point again?   I'm wondering if his efforts to completely cut me off means he's truly done with me?  Am I safe?   I just don't see it happening when someone completely cuts you of like that. 

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bus boy
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2017, 08:34:29 AM »

Hi, I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. 2 key words " going through." Keep doing just that, don't go around your pain keep going right on through it and you will be and feel amazed when you get to the other side. This is a process not an event. It will take a lot of strength on your part, I wish I could tell you one of these days you will wake up and all will be well. Not going to happen, sorry. Stay clear of social media, it will only hold you back, do not engage in conversation, if you have children than keep it to email or text, about the children only. ( I use text) or go through your L. I kept a journal, pour your feelings out on paper, get a good T. My Xw has been totally out of my life since June 2015 and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die but I kept pushing my self kept posting, wrote endless pages of pain, went NC, did not respond to her crazy talk of everything I am doing wrong with our son. Processed but by bit all the pain and mixed up thoughts I had of myself. This is the importance of NC or very to the point about the children limited contact. You must process all the emotions you are feeling without them dumping more on top of what you are processing. As you work through the pain you start to grow, let your self grieve, if your over whelmed with negative emotion give yourself permission to take a day for your self and process. You will learn, grow, detach and a fresh new life will be waiting for you. I have my days but now, my worst day without Xw is better than my best day with Xw. Be assured I still feel some pain but with all of or most of the emotional web of emotional abuse dealt with and processed I can process and move through painful moments much faster.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2017, 08:39:16 AM »

It hasn't yet.
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2017, 09:45:07 AM »

Found out early December but they had become "official" a month earlier. It's insane because we are still married and nothing has been signed. Any normal person would realize the insanity of it all. All of my friends are shocked when they hear what she has done.

It's taken two months to accept that she and her family are not well to think it's OK to date within a marriage.
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earlyL
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« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2017, 09:54:26 AM »

All of my friends are shocked when they hear what she has done.



Hey, I am on the exact same timeline as you, found out a month after too, so they are on their three month anniversary. My friends have all said the same, especially mutual friends. I take comfort in that as these are people who know us and knew us together.

Keep strong, but let yourself feel the emotions, I sometimes think my body cries because it doesn't know what else to do and is all it has done for two months solid now. There are good stories of people coming out the other side on this website though - we will all get through this.
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2017, 08:43:28 PM »

Hey, I am on the exact same timeline as you, found out a month after too, so they are on their three month anniversary. My friends have all said the same, especially mutual friends. I take comfort in that as these are people who know us and knew us together.

Keep strong, but let yourself feel the emotions, I sometimes think my body cries because it doesn't know what else to do and is all it has done for two months solid now. There are good stories of people coming out the other side on this website though - we will all get through this.

I think the dangerous line of thought is to believe that they will be suddenly better. The fact that they went from a serious relationship or marriage and a few months later straight into a new relationship without reflection shows how unwell their thinking can be. I am personally still recovering from being split from her.

From what I have seen, she has gained significant amount of weight since our separation and is getting to be borderline obese. She must be eating poorly and drinking a lot of alcohol. It is very sad to see as she was very beautiful when I met her, and even dared to blame me for ALL of her drinking in our relationship...
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FallenOne
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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2017, 09:13:30 PM »

It hasn't worn off yet... I'm exactly 3 months out of a 4 year on/off relationship (mostly on). I'd say we were broken up maybe 6 months out of the 4 years.

I still find it unbelievable that someone who stayed with me through 4 years of highs and lows, and who told me they loved me countless times, did some pretty awesome things for me, and someone who I helped through a great deal myself, can suddenly decide they hate me overnight?

I mean, what makes sense about that? You can't look for logic or reason where there is none...

I'm mostly better these days, and I'm getting out and even dating, but it still hangs over me like a fog...

it all feels so unresolved... That's really my issue. I think that's the part that still bothers me. Accepting that someone you loved and even still have feelings for has decided to hate you for things that they've made up in their own mind... Events they've twisted out of proportion... I only tried to do good things for this woman, and though I may have made mistakes and didn't understand what was going on at the time, resentment is a little extreme for any mistakes I did make.

My ex gf of 4 years already knowingly had problems before I even got involved with her, and I knew this through her family since I know the family...

She's diagnosed... BPD, PTSD, bipolar... In treatment and therapy since a teenager and is now 24. Her son also shows signs of it...

In her defense, I did break up with her a few different times in those 4 years... Mostly from arguments that she escalated way out of proportion where there was a blowup and I left and stopped speaking to her for weeks/months.

A year ago, I broke up with her while she was inpatient, in person... I even brought some final items and gave her reasons why I was doing it, but that I'd still be there to talk if she wanted to.

We tried again 3 months after that, but she had become much worse... All of the behaviors were so noticeable at this point and I knew more and more that she was out of control...

I couldn't do anything "right" to save it though. She abandoned me on December 19th and filed a PFA against me for false allegations. Since then she has refused to budge or show any mercy, by agreeing to alter it or reach out or even have it dismissed... I'm not a threat to her in any way, but she's so terrified of me (or angry with me?) that she won't change her mind.

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gotbushels
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2017, 10:46:52 PM »

This act of setting up your replacement, dumping you and immediately love bombing the next person seems to be common place.  Am I right about that?
Yes mjssmom, recycling patterns like your description are common to many pwBPDs. It's not comforting to see the grey area here, but recycling doesn't happen with all pwBPDs. Some are identified as hermits and the like. On the positive, I think people with BPD traits that are more active like this are much easier to identify than the hermit varieties. What this means for you is that a relationship with such a person could drag on for much longer than you'd want.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Am I still at risk of him trying to contact me at some point again?
I don't know. If the pwBPD follows patterns of "recycling", then this is more possible.

I'm wondering if his efforts to completely cut me off means he's truly done with me? 
Not necessarily. The pwBPD may behave to "completely cut off" a person, yet show up later. I think what's important is to ask what your role will be if he returns from the "cut off". Will you allow him to be "done with you" again?

Am I safe?
What from?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2017, 02:16:36 PM »

The pwBPD may behave to "completely cut off" a person, yet show up later. I think what's important is to ask what your role will be if he returns from the "cut off". Will you allow him to be "done with you" again?
What from?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can attest to this. In the past, she said I would "never see or talk to her again" so I'd better say whatever I felt at the time (I said I loved her in tears) and then she returned 3 months (I think) later saying that she missed me.

Another split after she moved away and two months later she came back asking for marriage, kids, etc. We got married, I moved down there, she never had the medication she claimed she was on so it got worse once she devalued me. Then she assaulted me, presumably called the police claiming I was violent when I defended myself from her raging, got a warning that she and I would go to jail if it ever happened again. Now some sort of NPA or No Contact Order is in place for some indeterminate period of time.

I kind of expect her to return once her her replacement gets devalued. They have been together for 5-6 months AFAIK now.

Not sure whether she will file for divorce but my Bipolar acquaintance thinks she will.

Due to the trauma bond, it doesn't feel like everything is over.
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JHKMX

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« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2017, 03:36:26 AM »

Im pretty much 4 months out and its been NC. She had my replacement lined up around 5 months
before she finally told me it was over. I am still coming to terms with it all. Last week they had a fall out and she messaged me the same day. The message didnt make any sense but it was her way of trting to strike up conversation. After all shes put me through she thinks its acceptable to reach out to me the minute they have a fight! These people are vike creatures. I still have her on facebook but i cant bring myself to block her. Maybe checking her on there is holding my recovery down i dont know. Im just hoping this whole mess will leave me in peace.
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ZeusRLX
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« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2017, 04:03:09 PM »


He always behaved madly in love with me right up until the end.  I found myself dumped for my replacement only 2 days later, I can't even tell you the pain I felt.  It just can't be comprehended except by others here I think who've been through it.  People around me just don't understand.  They think I should just be over it because he cheated.  So my feelings about him should just be turned off like I'm some kind of robot.  But from what I'm learning and reading here, I'm not alone.  This act of setting up your replacement, dumping you and immediately love bombing the next person seems to be common place.  Am I right about that?

Yes, that has been my experience as well, multiple times. The only thing is, lately I have been ending the relationships but once their recycle attempts would fail, they would invariably love bomb the next person.

But I still experience pangs of shock.  Of disbelief.  It hits me all of a sudden out of the blue.  It's as if this didn't really happen... .but it did.   How long does this last?  It seems sometimes like this has been just a nightmare I'll wake up from and when I do, things will be back to "normal" between us.  The disbelief that he's just completely done with me seems unreal.  But he changed his number, his email, blocked me on social media... .unless I went to his house, there's no contacting him even if I wanted to.

The first time for me lasted for many years and was very traumatic. Maybe took 5 years to really get over it. It was a big surprise the first time because I thought this was the great person you only meet once in a lifetime that everyone dreams about.

I want to be done with this.  He's toxic.  But I'm also curious yet if he'll try at some point to re-engage me.  It seems a lot of people here have experienced that but never had complete NC forced on them by their exBPD like I have it seems.   Like I said, it's been almost two months since he completely cut me off so I can't imagine why he would try again after he discards his new gf.  And he will discard her.  People are telling me the signs are already showing she may well be on the way to getting dropped despite the show of happiness on his FB.  Am I still at risk of him trying to contact me at some point again?   I'm wondering if his efforts to completely cut me off means he's truly done with me?  Am I safe?   I just don't see it happening when someone completely cuts you of like that. 

My first one disappeared, then tried to recycle about 8 years later, while being married to someone else. In my experience, it's hard to predict what they will do but a recycle attempt is always possible, no matter how many years it has been. Some of my exes would try to recycle in the first couple of months, after no response for me, they would disappear. But that one came back after 8 years nc. So hard to predict.
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hopealways
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2017, 10:10:53 PM »

About 20 minutes.
I wish I knew sooner.
For some, like me, knowing there is a replacement (especially a downgrade) makes us totally lose all interest and love.
That's what has made it so much easier for me.
It validated my suspicions about her and made me lose respect for her, and that did it for me.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2017, 08:03:40 PM »

About 20 minutes.
I wish I knew sooner.
For some, like me, knowing there is a replacement (especially a downgrade) makes us totally lose all interest and love.
That's what has made it so much easier for me.
It validated my suspicions about her and made me lose respect for her, and that did it for me.

I think this is useful for others to explore. I think it can help.
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Duped 1
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« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2017, 08:14:04 PM »

I love your answer hopealways. Unfortunately the addiction is strong but I definitely lost all respect for her. The lying, complete lack of empathy and integrity, and disgusting hypocrisy is profound. Thank God I didn't marry this POS
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gotbushels
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« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2017, 11:21:05 PM »

Duped 1   I understand that heaps.

Thank God I didn't marry this POS
I really understand where you're coming from. I've thought this a lot.

Something I noticed was that when I described her negatives, I started getting angry, disgusted, more angry etc. I then noticed that my ex actually had a strong "relationship" with these emotions herself. I didn't want to spend a lot of time with these emotions after that. Are you able to get onto the middle ground here regarding your negative opinions on your ex? Oh, don't mistake this to mean I want to dumb down your anger about the things your ex did--I get that too.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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ShadowA
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« Reply #15 on: March 26, 2017, 12:51:18 AM »

To me the shock of everything died once she said something that was beyond absurd.
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earlyL
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« Reply #16 on: March 26, 2017, 06:23:00 AM »


It validated my suspicions about her and made me lose respect for her, and that did it for me.

I still feel I am in limbo land and have a way to go before I can be at peace with myself but I do agree with the above, I really have lost all respect and I don't feel the love for her, and I think it really helps. However I also find that incredibly sad, I have never known a break up like it. I know how much I did love her and I am now trying to deal with how I let this person into my heart and home that could be so brutal and cruel at the end.
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jo19854
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« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2017, 08:53:46 AM »

I am not much of a help here I'm afraid. She left when I was at work and after more than 11 years . I've never heard from wife again. She took a plane and from a single resource I have she has no replacement. Except when you can be replaced by grandchildren. She watches them in daytime. It's more then 3 years now and soon I will get special treatment for enresolved grief and severe symptoms of PTSD. She ruined my life completely in one blow.

Jo
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One day at a time
balletomane
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« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2017, 09:15:18 AM »

Mjssmom, my heart went out to you as I read your post. I relate to so much of what you're feeling, and the similarities seem especially sharp as we are getting close to the two-year anniversary of when my ex discarded me for my replacement and I found out about the cheating.

I felt sick with pain and grief. After he'd told me I didn't know how I was going to physically get myself home. I felt like my lungs couldn't take in air. In the weeks that followed, a recurring thought in my pain was, "I wish I'd mattered." I didn't wish that he still loved me; I think part of me was already dimly, painfully aware that I didn't want the love of someone who would act like this. I just wished that I'd mattered enough for him to consider my needs and break up with me in a respectful way. He is diagnosed with BPD and I accepted that his disorder makes it extremely hard for him to see needs other than his own, but I wished for it all the same.

In answer to your question, it took about three or four months for the first really terrible gut-wrenching shock to wear off. After that it settled into a quieter kind of pain, but still pretty intrusive. It was about eight months before I started to feel that I was really on the way up and out, and two years later, I'd say I'm recovered from the experience. Some memories hurt but I am a much stronger, more assertive person and I'm enjoying life again.

Remember that everyone heals at their own pace. Give yourself the time you need. I used to get very frustrated and frightened because I didn't feel like I was healing fast enough - like you, I was "super-diligent" with doing all the right things, so why wasn't it working? Part of me was scared I'd be stuck with these horrible feelings forever and I'd forget what it was like to be any different, as my previous life seemed a whole world away now. That passes. Another part of me was even afraid to lose the pain, as it was my last link with him. That passed too.

It seems from your post that on some level you actually want your ex to reach out to you, and I understand that perfectly - the hardest thing for me was the feeling that I didn't even exist to him any more, I was just some trash he'd thrown from a moving car. Wanting to feel seen and heard is very natural. But we can't expect that kind of empathy and insight from a person who perceives the world only in black and white, who may blot out/dissociate from memories that they find too difficult to deal with, and whose own vulnerabilities are so great that they feel swamped and threatened by other people's. Even if your ex is capable of providing that recognition and respect, he has chosen not to. That's within his control, but your recovery is not. You ask if you are "safe" from him, and the answer is yes, if you choose to be. If he does reach out to you, you don't have to respond. You do have agency and choice in all of this, even though your ex dumping you and then severing contact with you may make you feel as though you don't have any at all. It took me a while to realise that I had choices too, and my situation wasn't entirely governed by him.
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marti644
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« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2017, 10:12:56 AM »

I am just over two months NC, and I finally am out of the FOG. I would agree with others that there is no specific time frame to healing. Really depends on how each of us deals with things.

This is my experience.

Now I am just mainly very sad, with short bursts of intense anger at specific things that my BPD-ex did to me (like cheating and giving me STIs)

Feel in "limbo land", as Early L said, but each day gets better. I try not to count the days, as that just makes me feel anxious, I am just taking the time to heal (or at least trying to). Most importantly as I am not trying to hide from my feelings. Like a detective I am trying to figure out the source, and come to terms with my feelings of low-self esteem and self worth.

I am exercising alot and hanging out with family and friends. I have open conversations about what happened, I don't censor myself. I am never censoring my feelings again. I have begun cutting certain people out of my life, as well as LCing my Mom (who I think is disordered), which has been super helpful in reducing toxic advice that won't help me heal. For once in my life I am finally following my intuitions. And i am discovering that these intuitions are good, for the most part. Feel liberated but weak.

 Looking for good therapist who deals with BPD, which isn't easy where I live. I know I need someone professional to talk to, especially about my childhood stuff.

Biggest advancement I've made this week is realizing that I was dating an emotional 4 year old, not an adult. I don't want to be in a relationship with a 4 year old anymore. I want an adult that has mentally healthy feelings. I've seen the other side and it is not or me. And if I don't find someone who does have the emotional stability to be an adult than I would rather be alone and happy, than with someone and unhappy. Huge step for me to say that. I need to lose my desperation.

I have growing sympathy for my BPD-ex though. As this sympathy grows, I just feel so sorry for her, at the same time as I feel liberated from that path of destruction. I wasn't good for her as I was trying to fix her, while she definitely wasn't good for me and would have destroyed me, mind, body, and spirit.

I want to use my newfound freedom to build something better, for me, not for others.
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