Time to call it quits?

[Chloe65]

Hello all. I am new to this.  Been married a long time to a man who seems to have BPD.  I have had many years of frustration trying to figure out what the problem is and how to cope.  Have often wondered what is wrong with me and why I stayed.  I even tried Al-anon to see if it would help (it did, somewhat and led me to find out about co-dependency).  However, nothing changes and I am at the end of my rope and on the verge of filing for divorce.  I started reading the book, "Walking on Eggshells" and the light went on!  There he is.  This is a good man who can turn on a dime, without warning and become a loud, obnoxious bully.  I must want to keep trying, or I would not be here, but this is a last-ditch effort.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Well you are amoung friends here. Many people choose to stay with their partners, and make life better.

Staying does require effort. And unfortunately he will probably never change. But YOU can change, and in turn this will make the relationship feel better.

You can learn to stop invalidating him - and to start validating more. This should have the effect of lowering the rages. You can also learn to not take things to heart, to not second guess yourself, to trust - and to KNOW that it's not your fault. These all make you emotionally stronger, and you can then enjoy life more.

There is hope! And it does get easier!

Read some posts and tell us more. Do you have kids in the house? What are your interactions with him like? Do you have close friends you talk to?

[Chloe65]

We have two grown sons, one of which still lives at home.  The other is married and has a child.  I am a retired nurse and am caring for my grandchild during the week.  My husband has a small business and works from home but also travels on business.  He has mood swings... .like someone turned a switch.  He can be cheerful, nice, happy... .and then, whammo out of nowhere... .angry, irritable, critical, and verbal rages.  It has always been like this but much worse since his mom died a year and a half ago.    Over the years I kept busy with my career, friends, and raising our children, but at this point I feel angry, resentful, depressed, and just plain fed up.  He has never been physically abusive.  It has always been verbal and emotional. 
Demands that things be done his way, things have to be addressed immediately, if I lose something or forget something it's because I am deliberately not paying attention, I don't know what I am talking about, I am exaggerating ( if I try to say how I feel about something), I get put-downs in front of others, etc. 
In the past I have coped by saying well that's how he is, by keeping busy out of the home, by ignoring a lot, arguing with him, etc. 
I'm just tired of it all.  I realize he will never change.  I dragged him to counseling a couple of times and he became mister charming for a short while and then back to the usual.
He has no friends.  He has fought with all of his family and there is now no contact.  We have no friends together.  I have friends that I go out with occasionally, but I never invite anyone over because I can never depend on him to not say some crazy thing.  His specialty is jokes at other people's' expense. 
I realize I am unloading here, and making him sound just gosh-awful.  The thing is that a lot of the time he is a nice person and a good husband and father.  But then, we get the unpredictable behavior.  I just want some peace and not to have to go through this anymore.  It is a relief when he goes out of town on business.

[Time4achange]

I am at the end of my rope and on the verge of filing for divorce.  I started reading the book, "Walking on Eggshells" and the light went on!  There he is.  This is a good man who can turn on a dime, without warning and become a loud, obnoxious bully.  I must want to keep trying, or I would not be here, but this is a last-ditch effort.

Wowosh!  I am so glad I have found others like me!  I only came across BPD on Friday after my marriage counselor (who I'm going to by myself) suggested I google "walking on eggshells".  When I did I was just floored! 

I am in the identical spot as you, I want to make this work... .  I love him dearly, but the verbal assaults and projection are driving me away.  I truly want him to be happy, however, I deserve to be happy too. 

The more I get into the book, the more I think this could have been written for us.  And I can't help feeling a little foolish that it's taken so long for me to find this information. 

I'll be thinking of you on this journey. 

[Chloe65]

I'm thankful to have found this website.  Yes, sometimes I feel so stupid that I have let it go on this long, but actually I didn't.   I went to counseling by myself twice and to Al-anon and to a support group for Adult Children of alcoholics.  That all helped some or I guess there would have been a divorce or a murder by now! 

[Chloe65]

I am going to have to see if I can learn about validation.  At this point, I am so angry that I think Ineed to take a time out

[Time4achange]

I'm right there with you on the anger part.  I'd love to hear how validation works for you.  Good luck!

[Eggshellz]

Hey, you just wrote my story! 

I'm starting with walking away AS SOON AS the rage "look" comes across his face.  This is so hard because all I want to do is react to his irrational, hurtful words. But,  I understand that my reactivity isn't helping so here's my challenge.

maybe my next step should be validation - interested in your experience.

Stay true to you!

[Sgtmack]

You will find many people here in the same boat has you. It is hard to stay and to leave seem ever worse. I am in much the same boat has you. There is a video here under "tools" called "don't be invalidating" about half way down there is a You Tube video called "understanding validation in the families". If are anything like me. It will help to understand the dynamics of your house hold.  Good Luck!

[livednlearned]

Hi Chloe65,

Welcome and hello 

These are hard relationships, and they take a big toll. It sounds like you are someone who puts others' needs before your own. When that person is, in return, emotionally and verbally abusive, it can feel awful.

I am going to have to see if I can learn about validation.  At this point, I am so angry that I think Ineed to take a time out

This is wise! Feeling angry can be a form of momentum to make changes. It can also be a way to protect ourselves when a loved one is not available and can't meet our needs.

For me, I find it helps to get my needs met, first and foremost. This is essential in a BPD relationship. It's often the case that we feel guilty when we put our needs first, that's how to tell if you're doing it right 

Then, when I'm feeling a bit more steady, I might try to tap into my compassion. I do this by reading books that help me understand what a pwBPD deals with.

You can do these things at the same time as learning to validate, though validation tends to be a verbal version of empathy, so if you're feeling too angry, attempts to validate might come off hollow.

One middle way that might help is to use validating questions. For some reason, the simplicity of this approach was easier for me.

Some examples of validating questions are:

Oh?
How did you feel about that?
What did you do?
And then what did you do?
What would you like to do?
When do you think it could be done?
What do you think the outcome will be?
What do you think might work?
What do you think would work next time?
Are there other options?
What happened?
How did it happen?
Where did it happen?
When did it happen?
What did you think when it happened?
How could you stand that?
How did you stand that?
And then what did you say?
What do you think caused the problem?
What's wrong?
What went wrong?
What was that like?
Did you enjoy that?
Did that hurt your feelings?
What does that mean?
What would you like me to do?
Is there anything I can do to help you?
Would it help if I (name something you can do)?

These questions won't stop your H from biting off your head if he's already dysregulated. They work best to head off a dysregulation when emotions are aroused.

Are the questions something you feel might work with your H?

Or, more importantly, do they feel like something that you are comfortable doing?