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Author Topic: Been a While. Things have changed.  (Read 439 times)
PFCI
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« on: February 27, 2017, 11:40:06 PM »

First, I recommend anyone who finds this board follow techniques described here.  They really work.

In my case, I set boundaries, including one that eventually led me to reporting my wife to the police for DV.  This turns out to be the best thing I've ever done. 
Since then, the violence has stopped.   Completely.  She was pretty shocked. She tries to guilt me over "selling her out", and that now she doesn't fell comfortable calling the police.  But I don't feel guilty.  If she wasn't violent, I wouldn't report her.

Mainly, walking away from her if she starts personal abuse, or just not reacting to all the incredibly mean things she says to get a reaction helps a lot.  Not JADEing, 'cos there is literally no point.

I also do things for me.  Things that are fun.  Without hesitation or regret.  Knowing you cannot rely on your partner for happiness in any way whatsoever, and realizing you have to do it for yourself has been a major plus for me. 

She's not taking this well, and of course things are still bad at home.  Recently, we were fighting, and she tried to 'make up' with me, I.E get the big emotional reunion payoff she likes so much.  For the first time, I resisted.  She hadn't apologised for her bad behavior, and I didn't want to hop on the roller coaster of up to the highs of getting on great, just to return to the lows of constant anger and torment a few days later.  I'd rather keep myself on an even keel. 

SO, now I feel very far apart from my wife.  I don't talk to her, because if I do, everything I say will be used against me.  I don't spend much time near her.  I have no interest in sex with her at all. 

Sadly, she doesn't even know how to talk to me anymore.  I think the other day when I was away on business, she called me, and was trying to talk to me.   But all she could do was complain about me.  It was kinda sad that she can't communicate with me, even if she wants too. 

SO, next thing to do, I think, is keep myself on an even keel for a bit, get myself together.  I feel like I've been stuck in a whirlwind for years, struggling just to keep from getting blown away, but finally things are settling down, and I can assess the damage, and decide if i should rebuild my house or move on (metaphorically). 

Thanks for reading my rather long-winded post. 
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2017, 06:01:09 AM »



In my case, I set boundaries, including one that eventually led me to reporting my wife to the police for DV.  This turns out to be the best thing I've ever done.     Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  
 

People sometimes ask me to rank skills or "what was most important".  For a while now, I've been consistently saying boundaries.

I think the reason is twofold.

1.  The skill itself.
2.  More importantly, the mindset behind the skill.  That we can... must... .stand up for ourselves.

What is your next step?

FF
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Dragon72
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« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2017, 06:54:51 AM »

Hats off to you.  I like the way that you have stopped taking an active part in the drama and that you are no longer "rewarding" the bad behaviour.  I wish I had the mettle to resist the pressure more often.

I have a hypothetical question for you.  Let's say that your anniversary or her birthday were next week.  What would you do? 

Also, I'm interested to know what your long-term hope/aim is.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2017, 09:51:32 AM »

"SO, now I feel very far apart from my wife.  I don't talk to her, because if I do, everything I say will be used against me.  I don't spend much time near her.  I have no interest in sex with her at all."

Hey PFCI, Give yourself credit for setting boundaries, which is a key step towards regaining your self-esteem.  The estrangement you describe is quite familiar.  After setting boundaries and practicing disengagement, I avoided my BPDxW and declined to share anything personal with her, for fear that it would be used against me.  At that point, we were like two strangers living under the same roof and it wasn't much of a marriage.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Fian
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« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2017, 03:51:08 PM »

She's not taking this well, and of course things are still bad at home.  Recently, we were fighting, and she tried to 'make up' with me, I.E get the big emotional reunion payoff she likes so much.  For the first time, I resisted.  She hadn't apologised for her bad behavior, and I didn't want to hop on the roller coaster of up to the highs of getting on great, just to return to the lows of constant anger and torment a few days later.  I'd rather keep myself on an even keel. 

It is great that the abuse has stopped, and I do understand why you want to avoid emotional games.  But I would like to encourage you to consider how things in your marriage could be improved.  What small steps could your wife take to restore some level of intimacy in the relationship?  My suggestion would be to find a way to tell her what you are looking for, and then let her decide if she wants a better relationship or not.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2017, 05:43:27 PM »


The analogy I try to use is "Am I building a bridge towards her... ."

I used to go overboard... .things would get great, she would figure out in her mind that things were too close and sabotage something.

Things are more stable if I reach out a bit... .if there is a reciprocation or "bid" back... .perhaps I go a bit closer.  If no "bid" back... .then I stay nonchalant. 

There are times when I am incredibly direct usually due to some need or big want.  In my mind I usually want to figure out if this is an option or not in fairly short order.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

My understanding is that gottmans work is for "non PD" types.  I think there are still some good lessons to think of.  Just be careful you don't go overboard.

FF 
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PFCI
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« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2017, 08:34:36 PM »

It is great that the abuse has stopped, and I do understand why you want to avoid emotional games.  But I would like to encourage you to consider how things in your marriage could be improved.  What small steps could your wife take to restore some level of intimacy in the relationship?  My suggestion would be to find a way to tell her what you are looking for, and then let her decide if she wants a better relationship or not.

Nice idea, but it won't work.  I always have this kind of conversation with my wife in my head, but not in real life.  Because I know it won't be of any use. She can't relate to me in what you'd consider to be a normal way.  She has no interest in me or anything I might want.  I know, on some level, she does want us to be together, and be happy, I think.  But she has no idea how to do that, or how to relate to me, or treat me like an actual human. 
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PFCI
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2017, 08:38:13 PM »

Hey PFCI, Give yourself credit for setting boundaries, which is a key step towards regaining your self-esteem.  The estrangement you describe is quite familiar.  After setting boundaries and practicing disengagement, I avoided my BPDxW and declined to share anything personal with her, for fear that it would be used against me.  At that point, we were like two strangers living under the same roof and it wasn't much of a marriage.

LuckyJim

My life is kind of like this.  But she will talk to me. Mainly complaining about someone or something.  So I'm a stranger to her, but she isn't to me. I won't tell her anything about me or my life unless I have to.  She either doesn't notice or doesn't care that she doesn't know me.  Anyway, things have moved up a notch with recent events, which I will detail in another post.
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PFCI
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« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2017, 09:47:50 PM »

The analogy I try to use is "Am I building a bridge towards her... ."

I used to go overboard... .things would get great, she would figure out in her mind that things were too close and sabotage something.

Things are more stable if I reach out a bit... .if there is a reciprocation or "bid" back... .perhaps I go a bit closer.  If no "bid" back... .then I stay nonchalant. 

There are times when I am incredibly direct usually due to some need or big want.  In my mind I usually want to figure out if this is an option or not in fairly short order.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

My understanding is that gottmans work is for "non PD" types.  I think there are still some good lessons to think of.  Just be careful you don't go overboard.

FF 

Interesting, and would have been worth a try a week or so ago.  Sadly, things have gone down hill since then... .
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Fian
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« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2017, 09:56:08 PM »

Nice idea, but it won't work.  I always have this kind of conversation with my wife in my head, but not in real life.  Because I know it won't be of any use. She can't relate to me in what you'd consider to be a normal way.  She has no interest in me or anything I might want.  I know, on some level, she does want us to be together, and be happy, I think.  But she has no idea how to do that, or how to relate to me, or treat me like an actual human. 

I haven't read your other post yet, but it sounds like this isn't the time to be building a bridge.  Anyway, responding to this post, she has no idea, and you admit that you haven't told her what you wanted.  Is it any surprise that she doesn't know?  My advice is to stop worrying about her reactions.  Tell her what you want and then let her make her choice.  In your original post it seemed like she was trying to reach out and mend fences, but it wasn't what you wanted.  Let her know what it does take to mend the fence is my suggestion.
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PFCI
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« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2017, 10:05:53 PM »

Anyway, responding to this post, she has no idea, and you admit that you haven't told her what you wanted.  Is it any surprise that she doesn't know?  My advice is to stop worrying about her reactions.  Tell her what you want and then let her make her choice.  

I used to tell her.  But no good ever came of it.  I learned from bitter experience the only result was giving her more information to use against me.  

In your original post it seemed like she was trying to reach out and mend fences, but it wasn't what you wanted.  Let her know what it does take to mend the fence is my suggestion.

She has a cycle where she's intensely angry and antagonistic towards me for a period of a few days.  This used to end when I basically begged her to forgive me for whatever I was supposed to have done wrong.  

Since I set the boundary of not apologizing for things that aren't my fault, just to keep the peace,  she eventually cracks, and becomes over emotional towards me.  If I give in at this stage, it just resets back to the beginning of the cycle, where things are OK for a few days, then the intense anger part starts again.  She needs the big emotional reunion as payoff at the end of her rage.  

I also  decided to set a boundary where I wouldn't respond to that, as it does neither of us any good.  

And it had been working.  Recently, she's been trying to relate to me in a more normal way, and we've even managed to get on sometimes.  Sadly, a big event ___ed that all up.  
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