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Author Topic: My insane story  (Read 416 times)
dreamlike

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« on: February 28, 2017, 02:26:16 AM »

Hi guys,

I ran across this website while I was reading up on BPD. I was in a whirlwind online "relationship" with a woman (I'm a gay woman) that I suspect had BPD. Looking in hindsight, I can see she's almost a classic textbook case.

Anyway, I met this woman because she writes fanfiction. Someone recommended one of her fics and I read it and loved it. She started writing a second one, and I started reading it, and started commenting on every chapter. I found her on twitter, and decided to follow her to get updates on when she would publish the next chapter. And thats when it all began. I'm married, but at the time me and my wife were having a really hard time and I had asked for permission to explore myself sexually outside the marriage. She had agreed and this woman walked in my life right after. I thought that was amazing timing? So she begins by flirting with me on twitter. Replying to a lot of my tweets and making me, literally, blush with her tweets. So I'm flattered because she's an amazing writer and I love her work. We were in the stages of becoming friends when I sent her a chain letter through tumblr. Something along the lines, "send this in appreciation to other nice people you know." And immediately after she private messaged me. We got a good chat going, like I usually do with tumblr friends, and just out of the blue she started blatantly flirting with me. She was seducing me actually. It was unexpected, it was new, and it intrigued me. After that day, she begin contacting me more, and more, until we were chatting everyday, for hours. We were establishing rapport, when she began to dig into my personal life, wanting to know my name etc. I was not comfortable with that, but she pressured me soo much that I gave in and gave her my name. To which she questioned my motive for doing so? when she was the one who kept asking?

While we were still chatting I remember telling her multiple times that I was afraid of her, because I had a feeling she would break my heart. I just felt myself falling so hard for her in such a short time, it was insane! she, of course, would get offended when I would say that to her. It only  makes sense now. She probably got offended because she does this all the time and I caught it early on? I just knew I would end up really hurt, and I constantly voiced that fear, and asked her multiple times to be gentle. She was extremely charming. complemented me in all the right ways, showed interest in all the things I was doing, wanted to know everything about me. This all happened in a matter of a month? This whole time my instincts were telling me to slow down, that this was all too good to be true, but of course I didnt trust my instincts. See, the thing is, I'm very inexperience in romantic relationships, my wife being my most significant and we've been together since we were 14. About 14 years now. In the time we were getting to know each other she spoke to me about her past relationships and interpersonal relationships as well. She spoke about how nobody bothered to get to know her, that people usually abused her giving nature, and as a result she didnt trust people. Something I struggle with myself. But at the time I was working on it, I wanted to learn to trust people, which is probably why I allowed her in? I felt like we were soo much a like, and I wanted to be the one to show her she could trust people, because I know me, I know how caring, giving, and compassionate I am with those I let in.

The other thing about this whole thing is that I made it pretty clear since the beginning that I wanted to explore myself sexually, and that I was not looking for a long term relationship. But she insisted she was not interested in a fling, she wanted a long term relationship. So at that point we decided not to move forward with a sexual relationship between the two of us, but she insisted she wanted to help me create a sex bucketlist, so that I could carry out my fantasies. She insisted we role play to work on my “game” because I had told her I had no game, that I didn’t know how to approach women at all. I didn’t care for role playing, but she constantly asked me to role play and I gave in as well. I sucked at it, but I was actually attracted to her, how could I not be? With the constant attention and complementing? so next thing you know, this role playing turned into real sexual exchanges between the two of us. Next thing you know she had my phone number and we were texting every day, and soon after we were talking on the phone every day for hours. And next thing you know we were having phone sex. The sexting was GREAT, the phone sex was even BETTER. She was just so damn good at it that I HIGHLY doubted she had not done it in the past with anyone else. But she claimed she hadn’t, she said I was the only one, that I was special, that she never did this with anyone else. I honestly never believed it, but I went along with it.

Sometime before the phone sex started she started to dig more into my personal life. Because I never planned to establish a relationship with her, I didn’t talk to her about my marriage or my arrangement with my wife. But by then we had somehow developed a “relationship” and she would tell me that she really liked me, but that she had been burned so much in the past that she just didn’t trust that I didn’t have a husband, or kids, so I felt it was my responsibility to be honest, so I told her about my wife. She told me she’d have to think about it, that she was not comfortable with that, but eventually she said it was ok as long as I was honest with her about everything. I felt a deep obligation to be honest, so when she would dig into my personal life and my marriage I felt that I needed to explain myself to her. So, basically, over night she had a lot of leverage over me. Something I forgot to mention was that very early on in the relationship she threatened to leave, very randomly. Before we even started texting she would say that she wanted to delete all social media, which was our way of communication, so I’d ask her if she would stop talking to me as well. This actually caused me stress, because I didn’t want to lose her, and I’m pretty sure it was a way to manipulate me. She did this as well when we established a stronger relationship. She constantly spoke about how at any moment, if she didn’t feel the relationship was good for her, she would just leave. Something that often stress me out.

Throughout this relationship we had fights, mostly because she got offended at that most insignificant stuff, yet she loved calling me out for being too sensitive, and would get even angrier if I didn’t agree with her. Our first major fight came one day that since our first interaction in the morning she begin to pick on everything I said to her. When I called her later that day and I tried to ask her about her day, about her job, and about her family, she shut me out. I decided to end the phone call and just let her cool down, but hours later when I texted her something sweet before she went to bed and she, again, acted cold, I just had it. I told her something along the lines “if you needed your space today because you’re in a bad mood, you should’ve said so, I would’ve given you your space.” BIG MISTAKE. She, of course, would not admit to being in a bad mood. She actually accused me of ruining her night, and said she was annoyed when I called her earlier because I expected her to lead the conversation and because I was too needy and couldn’t understand that she was busy getting ready for her trip to visit her family. She didn’t allow me to speak to her to work out the issue, she said we would speak the next day. The next day when I asked to speak to her, she said she didn’t have time to speak to me. Which only pissed me off even more because I was upset and couldn’t sleep well the night before because of our fight. I usually don’t ever let problems go unresolved. I’ve just had it. This time, I did go off on her. It told her that it was unfair that a few times when she was angry she had me up until 4am in the morning discussing something she was angry about, but she wouldn’t allow me to speak to her about something that was bothering me. That was enough for her to end it. She accused me of not respecting her family time, of ruining her mood, of spoiling her time with her family. She said she was done. So I said fine. I missed her, of course I missed her, so two days later I asked her to give me an opportunity to speak to her when she got back from her trip. Which she did, and we worked it out, but that was basically the tone of our “relationship” moving forward. She said she had never had anyone try to work it out before, that most people would just leave, and she even thanked me.
I was always afraid she would go off on me, so I never really spoke my mind after that. I knew that if I ever did she would just leave. I was a goner by then. At some point she had confessed she had feelings, I had feelings, and we were now talking about having a REAL relationship.

This whole time my wife had yet to show any interest in me, so I took that as a good indication that she didn’t care for me or our marriage. So I spoke to her about getting a divorce, and she actually agreed that we should get a divorce, because she said we just wanted different things. At that point my marriage was over. So me and this woman freely spoke about a future relationship. I’m actually an MA in psych student, but my academics focus on research, not so much on counseling or clinical psychology.  So I do know about mental disorders, and personality disorders but they’re not my area of expertise. At the time I was juggling grad school, a failing marriage, a turbulent relationship with her, and multiple applications to PhD programs. She knew I had a full plate, yet she would often have meltdowns and didn’t really care how that would affect my life. She also demanded I read other stories that she had written, when she knew perfectly well that I didn’t have time! I was used to a much mellow relationship with my wife. She would often say that I couldn’t handle pressure because I would stress out too much, yet I noticed that she would stress with the slightest things. So I guess she was projecting then.

Because my marriage was over, I decided to take a vacation on my own after finals and after all my phd applications were submitted. So during this vacation things got even more intense with this woman, because I had all the time in the world to speak to her. Right before this vacation, my wife suddenly had a change of heart. I guess she thought I would be meeting up with this woman during my vacation, and suddenly she demanded I stopped speaking to that woman, just like that out of the blue. To which I didn’t respond well, because she couldn’t just play with my feelings like that. I also felt that this move was more about control than anything, because it was clear to me that she didn’t care to be with me any longer. It was more about having something you can’t have type of thing. The week leading up to my vacation my wife just made my life living hell, and while I was out there she started to stalk me on social media and on my phone. I was honest with this woman and I shared with her everything that was happening, but during this trip I also mentioned to her that she was really special to me and she even suspected I was in love with her, because she actually said to me once, “you sound in love” when I was speaking about her.

The end of my vacation also marked the end of our relationship. I knew I had to cut my communication with her because I had to go home to deal with my wife and marriage. Because My wife was no longer on board with my relationship with this woman, I would be technically cheating, and I could not do that. My plan was to go home, end my marriage, move out do whatever I needed to continue this relationship with this woman. This woman had other plans though, because on my last day of my vacation she suddenly got bored of me. Actually, I’m pretty sure someone else caught her attention because during our phone call that day I heard her say “who is that cutie?” referring to someone who had commented on one of her stories. That day over the phone, something she had never done, she called me names and said I was boring and couldn’t carry a conversation. She also said I was clingy. We weren’t in the middle of a fight or anything, so it was bizarre. We got off the phone but I had a feeling she was done with me. The day after I returned home I asked her if she wanted to speak on the phone and she didn’t care for it. She had never declined before, she was always eager to chat on the phone. That was our last opportunity to chat on the phone because we would both be going away for the holidays. We would be away for at least two weeks.
 
During those two weeks I was dealing with constant fights with my wife, and family stuff, but I also knew she was busy away with her family. So I only texted her on Christmas to wish her a merry Christmas. We texted briefly and then we didn’t text until new year’s. She texted me. It became even more clear it was over, I could feel her getting more distant even over text. I was devastated. I constantly cried because I missed her and wanted her back, but I couldn’t be with her. Weeks later, I saw her interaction with other women on twitter. She was actually offering to be someone’s sexual partner. I saw it, but I didn’t feel I had the right to say anything, but she texted me to make it clear that she wasn’t interested in anyone at the moment. Which only pissed me off. She knew I would see it, why even bother texting me that? So I call her and asked her what that was about, but I also told her that it was none of my business what she did. At this point I felt like she had used me and discarded me, so I asked her if what we had was real, or if I was just one of the bunch. She got super offended over that, and told me that what we had was real but that it was over because she couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had shown no interest in her life, that if I cared about her to be her friend and show her.

I decided to just be friends with her until I could have a real relationship with her, but every time I tried to text her, she would have huge tantrums because she claimed I was not genuine when I asked her about her life. She used that as her way out. But I kept trying still. I made it my mission to be her friend to show her that I really cared about her. But every time I tried to start a conversation with her, she would shut me out immediately. “I’m fine, thanks. Gotta go to sleep.” “My day has been great thanks.” “Thanks, I gotta work though.” Time after time, after time. This happened for weeks. At the same time, I saw her constantly flirting with one particular person on twitter so my suspicions that I was just a game to her became even stronger and I just blew up. I felt stupid, because here I was working towards having a relationship with her, and she was already bouncing off to the next, when she always said what we had was rare and she’d never experienced anything like that before. So I texted her a long text, more like a letter, telling her exactly how I felt manipulated and used. Told her I felt like she hated me. Told her I didn’t care if she blocked me, and that I just didn’t care anymore. When I texted her I did it deliberately wanting to end it all. I was done trying. I wanted to close that door once and for all.
 
She was livid, said that I probably lied about my marriage, that I probably blamed my poor wife for our failed marriage. That I was not a good person. And that she was blocking me and to respect that she didn’t want me in her life at all. That just triggered me, and I think she knew, because I always spoke to her about how much I cared about my wife, and that even if we divorced I would always have her in my life, that I needed her in my life. She knew how important honesty was to me too. Which is why I was completely honest with her, as well as with my wife. So much so, that after she first dumped me my wife stepped in to heal me from the break up. Which made me feel soo guilty, but she understood why I fell for this woman. She pushed the right buttons to make me desperate to talk to her. And even though she had blocked me I pleaded to speak to her through text and we spoke on the phone.
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dreamlike

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2017, 02:28:02 AM »

PART 2.

When we spoke on the phone she just took the time to tell me how horrible I was because I never showed interest in her life, which she knew would trigger me too. I kept telling her I tried, she said I didn’t try hard enough, that other people had done a better job. She said I just disappeared on her, and I told her at the time I was working towards being able to have a real relationship with her. I had to deal with my marriage. She asked that if I expected her to wait for me, I said I didn’t, that that would be selfish of me. Which is why I never spoke to her about my plans. I didn’t want her to wait for me, because what if I decided to stay with my wife after all? I would only end up hurting her. She said she didn’t hate me, but that she would block me because if she wanted to date someone, she was afraid I would go psycho on that person. I think she was projecting because I am not that type of person. I never even cared to confront the person my wife cheated on me with years ago, even though I knew her, she’d been my friend. I’m pretty sure she blocked me as punishment for expressing my feelings. I was never allowed to express my feelings because that made her feel bad about herself. She didn’t like to take responsibility for making people feel bad, but she always made ME feel bad about everything I did and she didn’t like. I always felt pressure to be what she wanted me to be. She projected things onto me and I was expected to live up to those expectations. I also suspect she blocked me because she didn’t want me to see she DID have a relationship with that woman I suspected. That would only validate she’s just a player, a manipulator, and a liar.

I had suspected she suffered from some type of mental illness, but I never took the time to research because I was always soo busy with school. My last phone conversation with her left me cold. I didn’t know how a person could be that cold, not care, be so detached after everything we shared. Every time we had a fight and I explained myself she lacked the ability to see my perspective. No matter what I did, I could never win with her. I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t. Everything I said she would spin it and make me sound horrible. I was baffled and lost when I decided to search BPD on google. But she’s literally the textbook definition of BPD. I went through the three steps of BPD romantic relationships. The idealization, the whirlwind, the hate.
Thankfully this whole experience actually made my marriage stronger. My wife sought out counseling for some of the issues that originally pushed us apart. She actually realized that she really loves me and cares for me, and actually showed me with her actions. I myself have been in counseling and understand now that me asking for sexual exploration was really just a symptom of all of the issues in our relationship. I hit rock bottom in this whole ordeal but I’m coming out of it stronger. I almost lost my 4.0 GPA because she’d stress me out so much with her anger, tantrums, and threats to leave. She depleted my already low self-esteem, but now I’m working on it so that I never fall pray of someone like her again. I’m working on my self-esteem so that I don’t ever doubt myself, and be confident that I can finish the phd program I go into. She made me realize that what I have at home is worth fighting for.   
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dreamlike

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2017, 12:24:11 PM »

Ok, I know that was super long, and I didnt leave room for discussion. I guess I was wondering if you guys agree that she has BPD? And while I am recovering now, I do feel damanged by this whole experience. I just recently cut off all contact.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2017, 05:25:40 PM »

Ok, I know that was super long, and I didnt leave room for discussion. I guess I was wondering if you guys agree that she has BPD? And while I am recovering now, I do feel damanged by this whole experience. I just recently cut off all contact.

I only read bits and pieces of your story. I wanted to welcome you to the forums.

I don't think that anybody can diagnose whether or not she has BPD. This stuff is hard with or without a diagnosis. Having this sort of experience is crazy making and it takes time to heal and sort through things. You mention that your wife sought counseling. Have you sought it as well?



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dreamlike

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2017, 07:25:09 PM »

I only read bits and pieces of your story. I wanted to welcome you to the forums.

I don't think that anybody can diagnose whether or not she has BPD. This stuff is hard with or without a diagnosis. Having this sort of experience is crazy making and it takes time to heal and sort through things. You mention that your wife sought counseling. Have you sought it as well?


  and thank you for the welcome Smiling (click to insert in post)

I realized that I wrote way, way, way too much. I got carried away. writing that was very therapeutic. I've been in counseling since before this whole thing happened. Working with my therapist was when I decided to ask my wife to allow me to explore outside of the relationship. I worked parts of the initial break up with my therapist, but just recently I realized that I might be dealing with something much more complex than a regular break up. I knew she was not good for me, but I couldnt help thinking that maybe we would end up together in the end. This was more because of the fantasy she created for us. I so desperately wanted that, and needed that. But thats all it was, a fantasy. 
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vortex of confusion
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2017, 07:51:17 PM »

I realized that I wrote way, way, way too much. I got carried away. writing that was very therapeutic. I've been in counseling since before this whole thing happened. Working with my therapist was when I decided to ask my wife to allow me to explore outside of the relationship. I worked parts of the initial break up with my therapist, but just recently I realized that I might be dealing with something much more complex than a regular break up. I knew she was not good for me, but I couldnt help thinking that maybe we would end up together in the end. This was more because of the fantasy she created for us. I so desperately wanted that, and needed that. But thats all it was, a fantasy. 

I am queen of writing too much!  Smiling (click to insert in post) I know how therapeutic writing can be. Look at how high my post count is.

She may have created that fantasy for the two of you. You went along with it. Who wouldn't? Your marriage was a mess. My ex and I went down the path of "Let's see other people". It blew up in our faces. We were married 15 years and had 4 kids together.

I am really glad to hear that you and your wife are working on things. You said that you cut off contact with this other person. Has she tried to contact you?

What are your struggles with that break up? I know how confusing it can be to sort out all of the feelings associated with ending, beginning, reconciling, and who knows what else with multiple people.
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roberto516
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782


« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2017, 08:12:34 PM »

 and thank you for the welcome Smiling (click to insert in post)

I realized that I wrote way, way, way too much. I got carried away. writing that was very therapeutic. I've been in counseling since before this whole thing happened. Working with my therapist was when I decided to ask my wife to allow me to explore outside of the relationship. I worked parts of the initial break up with my therapist, but just recently I realized that I might be dealing with something much more complex than a regular break up. I knew she was not good for me, but I couldnt help thinking that maybe we would end up together in the end. This was more because of the fantasy she created for us. I so desperately wanted that, and needed that. But thats all it was, a fantasy. 

If you want a simple "answer" look at the dsm criteria. But as much as I am finding solace understanding why she did what she did the diagnosis isn't thay important. For example, you could just say "he's some one who fears vulnerability and wants to be in control. Doesn't do well with expressing feelings and emotions. And has fears thay people will leave him and so he protects himself despite his initial desire to be loving and caring".

Welcome t the forums by the way. I'm on here all day and it helps. And I do appreciate when people give me feedback so I wanted you to feel the same way. Keep posting because it's gonna help you and help me. Just look at the forum. I post all the time. I'm a nUT in this initial healing Smiling (click to insert in post)
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
hopealways
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« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2017, 10:13:29 PM »

Ok, I know that was super long, and I didnt leave room for discussion. I guess I was wondering if you guys agree that she has BPD? And while I am recovering now, I do feel damanged by this whole experience. I just recently cut off all contact.
Doesn't matter if she is diagnosed BPD the fact of the matter is that you are on this forum because the stuff about BPD resonates with you and your relationship. So learn about this disorder, gain insight, and make an educated decision.
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KimCoco

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged, together almost 6 years
Posts: 10


« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2017, 10:52:43 PM »

As another gay woman I read your whole story and parts of it really resonated - especially the fact that you and your wife are reconciling. My partner has BPD, and it almost ended our relationship when we decided to try an open relationship after a rough patch. I played the same role as you - met someone and it progressed past just sex. For you - the other woman was the emotional lure. For me, my partner's BPD and the emotional turmoil were driving me towards this other woman.

But after it almost completely wrecked my relationship with my partner, the love of my life, I realised that it's just not worth it. Whether this other woman was narcissistic, had BPD, whatever - all you need to remember is that it wasn't about you, it was about her. I know this is a BPD forum, and if it will help you to recover and move on from that experience then by all means keep learning and discovering. From that perspective, my reply is a little off-topic.

But can I just say that I'm so happy for you that you and your wife are reconciling. It's much more difficult to stop looking outside of the relationship and to turn, face it and decide to fix it.

I'm so sorry you had this awful experience, I hope that you find all of the comfort and therapy that you're looking for here Smiling (click to insert in post)
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dreamlike

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2017, 02:22:17 AM »

I am queen of writing too much!  Smiling (click to insert in post) I know how therapeutic writing can be. Look at how high my post count is.

She may have created that fantasy for the two of you. You went along with it. Who wouldn't? Your marriage was a mess. My ex and I went down the path of "Let's see other people". It blew up in our faces. We were married 15 years and had 4 kids together.

I am really glad to hear that you and your wife are working on things. You said that you cut off contact with this other person. Has she tried to contact you?

What are your struggles with that break up? I know how confusing it can be to sort out all of the feelings associated with ending, beginning, reconciling, and who knows what else with multiple people.

I've been working on forgiving myself for going down that road. I've been really hard on myself about it. I have to forgive myself. I think once I do I will make peace with it, I'll be able to build my self-esteem back up, and I'll be ok.

My struggle with the break up is that I was confused about the sudden change of behavior. She literally went from really liking me one day, devaluing the next, to hating me. I've just been struggling trying to figure out what I did wrong, what is wrong me, and questioning my self worth.

She only contacted me twice at the beginning, then never again. I had done a really good job staying away from her, but my anger/pain got the best of me and I lashed out. I wanted her to hear what I had to say, something she never allowed during the relationship. I was always walking on eggshells. So thats when I wrote her that long text where I called her out on her behavior. Only then did I realize I was dealing with a different type of person. She had zero empathy. She didn't care to take responsibility for how poorly she treated me those last days, and she completely lacked the ability to understand my perspective. I baffled, I didnt know cold people like that existed. Thats why I looked up BPD traits, and why Im here. She has a majority of the traits, and we definitely went through the BPD relationship cycle.       
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dreamlike

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2017, 02:30:45 AM »

Doesn't matter if she is diagnosed BPD the fact of the matter is that you are on this forum because the stuff about BPD resonates with you and your relationship. So learn about this disorder, gain insight, and make an educated decision.

Thank you for the welcome. I'm glad I'm here, mostly learning about myself, and moving pass this. Smiling (click to insert in post)

As another gay woman I read your whole story and parts of it really resonated - especially the fact that you and your wife are reconciling. My partner has BPD, and it almost ended our relationship when we decided to try an open relationship after a rough patch. I played the same role as you - met someone and it progressed past just sex. For you - the other woman was the emotional lure. For me, my partner's BPD and the emotional turmoil were driving me towards this other woman.

But after it almost completely wrecked my relationship with my partner, the love of my life, I realised that it's just not worth it. Whether this other woman was narcissistic, had BPD, whatever - all you need to remember is that it wasn't about you, it was about her. I know this is a BPD forum, and if it will help you to recover and move on from that experience then by all means keep learning and discovering. From that perspective, my reply is a little off-topic.

But can I just say that I'm so happy for you that you and your wife are reconciling. It's much more difficult to stop looking outside of the relationship and to turn, face it and decide to fix it.

I'm so sorry you had this awful experience, I hope that you find all of the comfort and therapy that you're looking for here Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you. It's been a really tough road, that woman only blocked me Sunday morning. So its only really been two days since I realized I was dealing with BPD traits. I'd been strong and was moving forward gracefully until I thought I was strong enough to confront her. I thought I was emotionally ready to end it once and for all. I guess I was not ready for her manipulation where she turned the whole situation around on me. gaslighting me one last time. That's what really made me hit rock bottom again.   
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Mr.R.Indignation

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 43


« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2017, 11:59:45 AM »

As a fellow long poster I felt obligated to read your entire mind splurge. Also it was pretty interesting how much it resonated despite being so different to my own experiences!

I'd known my ex for around a year before we decided to pursue a relationship. Well, fell into a relationship. At this stage we were in different areas though, so the decision (and most of the relationship) happened long distance.

I saw a lot of the same signs as you, it was all a little off. I tried not to get pulled in, do everything right, maintain honesty yadda yadda, but having already had some feelings for her I opted to play the hopeful optimistic. When that boulder's already a rollin' it's not easy to stop it.

She wasn't especially predatory, but she would keep guys hanging on despite not actually showing any interest in them. Sometimes I wonder if she is actually more of a subtle predator. By the way she was acting it's possible she was trying to woo me before I actually realised I was interested, and I was just lured into the spider's den.

Anyways!

Any time I'd question why she was continuing to speak to someone giving her verbal or in some cases animated sexual attention, she'd say 'I thought they'd learn not to do it!' When she was with a friend who'd just been through a breakup and had been openly flirting with her, who she'd nearly gotten together with in the past by the way, she apparently spent the evening with his head held in her lap while she stroked his hair.

Call me crazy but I thought that was a little weird.

I didn't accuse her of anything, I didn't suspect anything, I was just perplexed, so I asked her if she felt it was appropriate and how she'd feel if it had happened with the roles reversed - me and a woman. I was a little jealous because pfsh I was long distance and this guy was able to spend intimate time with her, but mostly I was just trying to get some insight. The role reversal question was met dismissively, and for questioning it I was compared to her genuinely psycho ex who was super jealous of this same guy.

And speaking of psycho, I was once without any basis thought to be a serial killer.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

So when I had basis - paranoid like her terrible ex. When she had no basis - I'm a serial killer. Makes perfect sense!

Point of all this being I empathise. :P There are snickers bars who dream wistfully about being as nutty as these stories! You seem to have a pretty good handle on everything but it never hurts to see how common it is for people (meaning all of us here) to get into these situations.

The most important thing is to maintain No Contact.

The exit is relatively recent and although you've already had a series of ups and downs, never understimate your ability to bite yourself in the wazoo with whimsical ideas. Getting back into contact with someone who's done you more harm than good is not typically a good move. You recognise that it was doing you harm. You know it was ultimately not so enjoyable. You're fortunate enough not to be tied to this person. So my advice isn't especially bold or nuanced or grand; just forget about her, forget about it. Learn from it, but don't keep yourself tied to her in anyway. Contact in any form is like going from shackles to ropes.

You're doing well managing things so far, so keep up the good work.

R . Indignation
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