My son is 28 years old and has very clear BPD.

[micWel]

I need help with my son and our relationship. He needs help but doesn't see it or want it. I need help and want it very badly.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

It can be very difficult dealing with a BPD child. You say your son has clear BPD, how long have you been aware that there is something off in his behavior?

What are the traits you see in him that lead you to the BPD conclusion? What behaviors of your son do you find the most disturbing or difficult to deal with?

To help you get started here, i encourage you to look at the tools and lessons in the right-hand side margin of this screen. These resources can help you get a better understanding of this disorder and help you develop new ways of interacting with your son.

Take care

[Lollypop]

I've got a BPDs26 who lives at home and was diagnosed at 24. I knew something was wrong for years and I think he did too but he was very scared to recognise it. We've had years of drug abuse and all the dramas it brings. I joined this forum over a year ago and our relationship is vastly improved, despite the problems. I've found a way forward for us.

Is your son living with you?
How can I help?

[micWel]

Not exactly sure about posting back to another member. Hope this right. No, my son lives on his own, until something goes wrong and he needs help. You have already helped by simply posting back to me. Thanks.

[Lollypop]

Great to hear back from you!  

You can reply to any post on any discussion thread by clicking the Reply option at the bottom or click the reply with Quote (which is what you did!).  It took me a while to get used to the screens so don't let it worry.

We all learn from reading the posts and replies. Please feel free to join in as you want to. It's safe to vent.

My BPDs26 has left home three times. Each time he had a downward spiral and each time we encouraged him home to try and "help".  This was pre diagnosis.  The last time he was in a bad way and we accepted him back into our home but we were determined that things would he different. Being in this forum helped me come up with a realistic plan and things have really improved.

It's just so exhausting and emotionally draining dealing with our adult children when they keep on and on with the dramas. Once I understood about BPD, I could see why my BPDs behaved the way he does. He struggles so much with just coping with life's daily struggles.  I've found a way of detaching and this has really helped me be calmer.

There's hope to find a way forwards for yourself here on the forum. You aren't alone and everyone of us understands what you're going through. It's tough.  

Is your son working?
Do you have any support for yourself?

I'm sending you a hug because I think you might be needing it right now.  

L

[micWel]

I've found a way of detaching and this has really helped me be calmer.

How did you manage this? I haven't been able to detach at all and have been miserable with each episode. Take care.

I haven't been able to detach at all and have been miserable with each episode. Anyone have ideas on how to successfully pursue detachment? When I say successfully, I mean for my son and for me. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Lollypop]

I'm so sorry I haven't replied earlier and I can hear your anguish and I understand.  It's just so painful dealing with all of this and my heart goes out to you.

For my BPDs26 to behave like an adult he needs to be treated like one.  Because  I honestly knew that he'd be unable to cope with certain things then I would do them for him, under the mistaken idea that I was helping him. Also, if I knew he had to face up to a challenge I would try and ease his way. The more I did, the more I stopped his personal growth and development.  He was always a lot younger emotionally than he was in actual age and this confused me as he got to late teens and early 20s. I tried so very hard to change him but I learnt that I couldn't, I could only change how I reacted to him and his choices.  I'm speaking for myself and not you, all our situations are different,

At 26 he's clearly an adult.  He's totally responsible for himself, his choices and for his own well being. There is no confusion any more and it's allowed me to detach myself from his self-made dramas.

I'm not saying that it's been easy and he's resisted as he didn't want the responsibility.

I started by not giving him any money.

How he chooses to live his life is entirely up to him. He suffers the consequences of his poor choices and learns by his mistakes. He has not sought treatment and its been very frustrating.

I live my own life and try to take care of myself. I am only responsible for myself.  I feel sad that his life isn't what I'd hoped for but it's his life, not mine.

I've worked hard on improving my communication and validation skills and we have a good and healthier relationship now.  I'm assertive but loving when I set a limit. My boundaries are clear.  :)o you think you need some boundaries and limits set to help you both?

I'm sorry this post is all about me. I don't know very much about your situation so it'd be great if you feel that you could share what you feel comfortable with. You'll learn so much in this forum using the tools and posting.

What is your son doing (or not doing) that is causing you so much pain at the moment?

Hugs
LP

[heartandwhole]

Hi micWel,



I'd like to join Kwamina and Lollypop in welcoming you. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable. I hope you will be gentle with yourself going forward. It's not easy to deal with a loved one with BPD. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion. 

This site has tons of tools that can help, and members who understand. It's a safe place to express what you are going through.

When you are ready, please share more about your situation with your son. Many members here have been in similar situations and would be happy to share their experiences with you.

You are not alone, micWel. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Lollypop]

Hi again MicWel

I just wanted to touch base with you again.

My BPDs26 lives his life mostly with full on anxiety.  He internalises and is a quiet BPD so he doesn't rage.  It's difficult to judge how he's feeling.  He's highly skilled at picking up on the slightest irritation towards him and is hypersensitive.  Abandonment is a biggy for him.  Terribly unconfident, highly intelligent and eloquent.  He feels himself to be very special and wants a different kind of life. He's responded amazingly well to me using better communication and validation skills.  They've worked like magic at times.  I've discovered he's like an orchid and only blooms in a more supportive and nurturing environment.  I was always more of a black/white, get on with it kind of parent; very judgmental.

His use and experimentation with drugs has been my biggest problem to cope with. I see that he's trying to calm his racing thoughts, trying to make himself feel better the easiest way he can but this way of life just isn't sustainable.  He has a deep mistrust of the medical profession because of previous bad experiences.

We are currently enabling him by allowing him to live at home with us.  He enjoys smoking weed daily and self medicates with unprescribed diazepam (low dosage) to help him sleep.  We do not allow him to smoke at home and he pays us rent each week.

Since being on the forum I've found a way to not only cope but, surprisingly, have a better relationship with him.  

I've accepted that I couldn't change him.  I could only change myself and how I react to him.

There's much to learn and it's can be overwhelming, particularly when you're having to deal with all the dramas.  

It's very important to take care of yourself.  Gently forwards.  Baby steps.

How can we help you MicWel?  

LP

[micWel]

Hi LP,
You seem to be my best "responder" and for that I'm quite grateful. Sorry I haven't shared much about him (or us), just wasn't quite sure where to start. He was born in a Romanian orphanage and we adopted him at age 2 and a half. The first years were lovely for him and for us back in Oregon. School was a struggle but he had friends and life seemed good. At about age 15 things started to teeter a bit. I think that the BPD was beginning to surface, but of course I had no idea what it was all about. It only got worse from there. Dropped out of school part through the 9th grade and never returned. Started marijuana, both growing and consuming. Several arrests and lost his drivers license. His mother (we were divorced) died in 2014.  This, of course, only heightened his symptoms and behaviors. He has a giant fear of being abandoned--I took a two day trip to see my daughter (his sister) and grandson in Colorado. Huge drama. All kinds of mean, hateful text messages because I was leaving. I could go on a bit but I think we have very similar stories. Thanks for being a good listener and responder.
MICWEL
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi again MicWel

I just wanted to touch base with you again.

My BPDs26 lives his life mostly with full on anxiety.  He internalises and is a quiet BPD so he doesn't rage.  It's difficult to judge how he's feeling.  He's highly skilled at picking up on the slightest irritation towards him and is hypersensitive.  Abandonment is a biggy for him.  Terribly unconfident, highly intelligent and eloquent.  He feels himself to be very special and wants a different kind of life. He's responded amazingly well to me using better communication and validation skills.  They've worked like magic at times.  I've discovered he's like an orchid and only blooms in a more supportive and nurturing environment.  I was always more of a black/white, get on with it kind of parent; very judgmental.

His use and experimentation with drugs has been my biggest problem to cope with. I see that he's trying to calm his racing thoughts, trying to make himself feel better the easiest way he can but this way of life just isn't sustainable.  He has a deep mistrust of the medical profession because of previous bad experiences.

We are currently enabling him by allowing him to live at home with us.  He enjoys smoking weed daily and self medicates with unprescribed diazepam (low dosage) to help him sleep.  We do not allow him to smoke at home and he pays us rent each week.

Since being on the forum I've found a way to not only cope but, surprisingly, have a better relationship with him.  

I've accepted that I couldn't change him.  I could only change myself and how I react to him.

There's much to learn and it's can be overwhelming, particularly when you're having to deal with all the dramas.  

It's very important to take care of yourself.  Gently forwards.  Baby steps.

How can we help you MicWel?  

LP






[/quote]

[micWel]

Hi LP,
You suggest that you no longer hope to change your son, just yourself. I have also come to the conclusion that I can't change my son but only my responses to him, if I want anything to be better. Easy to say but hard to do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi M

It really sounds like your family has had such a tough time. Im very sorry to learn about your ex-wife's passing and can understand that you're carrying such a heavy responsibility trying to support your family.

You know MC, you're doing your very best and you've come to exactly the right place to find a better way to interact with your son and how you can support him.

You mentioned you used to live in Oregon and that's when times were good. I used to grieve for the son I once had and felt, that if only he would listen to me and change, then I'd get him back. It took me a long time to realise that he couldn't help the way he behaved (this was pre diagnosis).

You've said you know your son has BPD. Is this because you've read up on it and can see the traits or that he's been diagnosed?  

My BPDs was initially enlightened but then dipped feeling that he was, excuse my language, "fxxked" forever and he was never going to be happy.  Things are different now for my family and we have hope.

My BPDs started to look at me differently when he could see me changing and improving the way I interacted with him. I demonstrated the behaviours and he learnt without realising.

How has your son taken the BPD diagnosis?  You've said that he doesn't want help and I completely understand the anger and frustration that inaction brings.

We are not responsible for our adult children's happiness. They have to learn to take care of themselves and they learn by their mistakes. I know it's an uncomfortable truth and it's incredibly difficult to watch them "ruin" their lives and easy to predict a downward spiral in the future. You can learn to not fear the future and remain calm in the present.

I encourage you to take a look at the tools at the right hand side of the page. There's everything you need to help yourself.

You can post any time and just vent if you need to. I used to ask questions.

Hang in there MC. Do something nice for yourself today.

LP

[Kwamina]

Hi again micWel

Hi LP,
You suggest that you no longer hope to change your son, just yourself. I have also come to the conclusion that I can't change my son but only my responses to him, if I want anything to be better. Easy to say but hard to do

Hard to do, but practicing will hopefully make it easier in time. Though you cannot change your son if he does not want to, by changing your own behavior and how you respond to him, you will change the dynamics of your relationship with him, regardless of whether he changes or not. If you change your 50% of a relationship, you basically change the entire relationship, no matter what the other 50% does.

[abcdef1]

so sorry for your pain. I recently discovered my daughter has BPD/NPD after her insane rage i spoke to a therapist and she diagnosed her as a BPD/NPD and told me to start reading. I went on Amazon and bought every book I thought would help. Best one was stop walking on Eggshells by Randy Kreiger and I would recommend it. she met 7 out of 9 criteria. I always knew something was very wrong but now I know what it is. Its a day by day, step by step process. No easy help or cure esp since she says it me and DH who have it and who are the prob (super common). Sending you hugs at this super difficult time.